Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015: GREEN STREET (2005)

SHITFEST2015

THIS POST BROUGHT YOU BY THE LOVELY:

emmalogo

Thank you very much Eric for inviting me to join in with Shitfest! It’s a real honour.

I’d be lying if I said it had all been fun and games though. I actually struggled for ages to come up with my movie choice. I mean yeah I’ve watched some dumb films (special thanks to Michael Bay) but nothing I thought of really felt…..right.

Then happily I had, I guess what you’d call an epiphany. A movie came to mind that is so awful, so inaccurate and so poorly written that you would be forgiven for thinking it’s a parody. (I double checked and it’s definitely not supposed to be a parody)

I am talking of course about Green Street – a movie about football hooligans in London. Though to try and make an already loose plot just that bit more silly, they included a bit about an American Harvard student (yeah okay…!) who joins with one of the ‘toughest firms in the East End’ – the Green Street Elite – a gang of West Ham supporters who like to fight opposing football fans.

greenstreet1

Now I know it seems childish to say that everything is wrong in this movie, but I’m going to say it anyway.

Everything is wrong in this movie. Football hooliganism is a real thing after all (somewhat of a ‘national sport’ in the UK) but almost every part of it is misrepresented in a film that can’t decide whether it’s ‘low key England’ or ‘Hollywood jazz hands’.

You know how some movies are so bad they’re good? Well this isn’t one of them. It’s so bad it’s really bad. Perhaps if it were slightly shorter it might have worked better but at 109 minutes it’s clearly 108 minutes too long. It’s not the genre or topic that I find unappealing, I actually like thuggish movies if they’re made well and I did specifically want to choose a film for Shifest that had potential for enjoyment.

But Green Street just feels like a joke from start to finish. The fact it has a 7.5 rating on IMDB only serves to prove what bollocks their rating system is.

The ‘Green Street Elite’ themselves are a bunch of less-than-menacing youths. They are led by Pete (Charlie Hunnam) who walks around like a low rent Fagin, swinging his arms from side to side heavily JUST IN CASE WE FORGET he’s supposed to be a cockney (Hunnam is from Newcastle in real life – about as far north from London as you can get without seeing the Aurora Borealis). It’s strange how this young whippet of a boy is running the whole of the West Ham hooligan firm but that’s the incredible writing of Green Street for you.

greenstreet2

I may as well talk about his accent now too. One of the most incredible glaring errors in the film was to let Charlie Hunnam speak the way he did and actually release the film afterwards. Well I say ‘accent’ – I’ve actually counted six of them. Six garbled accents crammed into one person. Amazing!
And whilst I commend his effort at covering such a broad base of enunciations which so far includes British, Australian, Northern Irish, American, South African and what I like to call “the Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins special” – it really wasn’t necessary. Though it gives the film one extra point for sheer comedy value I guess.

And I’m honestly not just being an anal bitch about this. His accent is the worst I’ve heard in MOVIE HISTORY. And I’m including Josh Hartnett when he made Blow Dry.

*Note to the German/American director who made this British film – don’t cast a Geordie as a cockney. And NEVER cast a Geordie who can’t do accents as a cockney. In fact just don’t make films about football hooligans (or cockneys). You’re German – you can actually PLAY football. Leave the thug behaviour to us.

The fight scenes unfortunately are no better and pretty laughable – embarrassing to watch even. Though the Green Street Elite only seem to have six members (ridiculous!) they have street brawls against hundreds of men – and still win.

Injury doesn’t seem to be a problem however. The screenshot below of the lads laughing, skipping and high fiving as they dance down some steps followed one of the biggest fights in the whole movie, where the six youths fought against seventy men.

greenstreet3

My problem with this is – where’s the broken ribs? None of them are doubled over in pain. No-one’s limping. No-one’s wincing. No-one’s nursing anyone.

You can’t dance your way down some steps after fighting off seventy men. You just can’t.

It’s a film riddled with clichés (there’s a character called “The Major”) inconsistencies and mistakes. I mean the Hobbit is only in London for five minutes and he gets given a ticket to a football match!! Anyone who’s even tried to get a ticket to a premiership London match will know it’s near impossible.

It’s a real shame because I genuinely like British thug movies and this is one I thought I would enjoy. But shoddy writing, mortifying accents, boring sports scenes and implausible situations (why on earth did they set fire to that pub????) just make this a movie to avoid.

And don’t get me started on the Hobbit from Harvard. Elijah Wood in a hooligan film?

Look…..he can’t even fight off a CREDIT CARD

greenstreet4

THE END (thanks for reading!)

154 comments

    • emmakwall

      Thank you so much Luke! I keep saying “that made my day!” to all the nice comments but really, it genuinely does!! I’m so glad you enjoyed it (coming from the Oracle of Film!!!) and glad you liked the last picture 🙂 I’ve never seen a man fighting with a credit card before. It made me laugh!!! (immature!!!!!!)

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
  5. sweetarchive

    I love this review and I could totally hear you reading it out loud with an angry British accent. Brilliant stuff! I love British thug films my self. This one doesn’t seem to be even worth a spit! Oh yeah, “Elijah Wood in a hooligan film?” totally with you on that one!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • emmakwall

      Thank you Reut!!!! It’s funny, a lot of people do like this film. But I am here to tell them they are wrong. Wrong dammit! I never usually get that pissed off with ANY film but this was a mockery!!!! A mockery to……tp all REAL thugs!!!!! Haha.

      Elijah Wood may be able to get away with a psychopathic role, but not a good, old fashioned hooligan role!!! That’s why people like Ray Winstone are in the industry haha.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
  6. movierob

    Hey Emma!

    What a really shitty review 🙂

    Doesn’t sound like it’s worth seeing at all.

    Only complaint I have with your review is that you dissed the IMDB rating system 🙂

    I cant believe that 103,130 people wasted 108 minutes on this pile of green crap 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • emmakwall

      Thanks so much Rob!!! Really appreciate and love your kind words!

      I know, poor old IMDB. It’s still my first and favourite point of call for any movie information! But the rating system is………….not good. This is the proof man!!

      103,131 people….including me 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
    • emmakwall

      It’s absolutely terrible isn’t it!!!!!!! But it’s good to get enjoyment from it, I totally understand what you mean 🙂

      What about Charlie Hunnam’s accent?!!!! As I know you’ve seen it I must ask what you think. I have never heard anything like it in my life, he literally starts off a sentence talking in one accent, ends the sentence talking in another! I genuinely don’t blame him. I blame the people who made it. Who filmed it!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Abbi

        Most of the enjoyment is from Charlie Hunnam’s shirtlessness… phwoargh!

        His accent is horrendous but you have to understand how difficult it is for people who are not familiar with British accents to pick this up. I first saw this just after I moved to the UK and didn’t clock it at all. Now of course 10 years later it makes me feel physically ill but if this was made for an international audience I doubt they’d really notice. I think it’s a common thing with accents. Virtually every cinematic attempt at a South African accent assaults my ears.

        Liked by 2 people

      • emmakwall

        It is a movie that is unintentionally hilarious in places too!! I understand the weird love 🙂

        Haha “physically ill” !! Yeah I know what you mean, I knew it would be lost on a lot of people but seriously……I’ve never heard anything so garbled in my life. There was one bit that even my boyfriend laughed at (he doesn’t show emotion during films….) and said – I’m sorry for this Abbie! – “is he supposed to be South African?”

        Does it make sense that this makes me even angrier?! What a false image this gives to international viewers. They’ll think we all walk around London clicking our ankles together “you alright me old guv’nor?!”

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        “They’ll think we all walk around London clicking our ankles together “you alright me old guv’nor?!””

        Wait…..?? You DON’T????!?!?!?!

        #imageshattered

        Liked by 1 person

      • emmakwall

        Yes OBVIOUSLY! Only when she’s old though…..no one wants a picture of a young queen.

        And we all have bad teeth. That’s what you were all waiting for wasn’t it, wasn’t it?!!! Admit it!!!!!!

        🙂 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • Abbi

        I’m not offended. South African accents are cobbled together from a vast collection of European accents and vary massively regionally. There’s a pretty good chance he did sound South African in places.

        I think most international audiences would prefer to believe we do all walk around London talking about apples and pears and tipping our hats to each other.

        Liked by 1 person

  9. The Vern

    Great review Emma. What friends can’t be all happy and joyous after a big fight. That’s absurd. I never heard of this one, but based on your thoughts of the actors having bad accents. Yeah I’ll avoid this one

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • emmakwall

      Thank you!!!!!! So much!! 🙂

      It’s weird, it was actually that scene that really made me hate this movie. I could kind of make excuses for bits of it, but I was actually quite angry when I watched it and they all danced down those steps laughing happy and joyous. What a mockery of real thug behaviour eh?!

      Charlie Hunnam’s accent in this movie is unreal. There are videos on youtube dedicated to his “best bits” it’s worth watching on a day when you need cheering up.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  10. Justine B.

    Emma! Loving this shitty review! I actually had this movie sitting in my Netflix queue for a while, although on US Netflix it’s called Green Street Hooligans, and I figured, well I don’t know shit about football hooliganism but…Charlie Hunnam!! How dare they put a beautiful man in a shit movie! Glad I never watched it now. “The Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins special” hahaha!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • emmakwall

      Thank you so much Justine!!!!! I must admit Charlie is good looking isn’t he. As I was looking for pics for the review I thought how handsome he was, but he’s so hateful and annoying and smug in the movie that I never once thought it whilst I was watching it. Not once! (not like me)

      Green Street Hooligans, yes I should have called the review that really as I think it’s only this country it’s called Green Street. Oops! It is worth watching for comedy value. I just hate the thought of people across the world watching it and thinking there’s a semblance of honesty in it. There’s not!!!!

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
      • Justine B.

        He is! But us Americans only know him as Jax from Sons of Anarchy, and he does a decent American accent although you can hear him slip sometimes. My mom is in loooove with him, but he was an asshole in that show too haha.

        Makes me think casting a guy like him and throwing an American in there for good measure was meant to market it to people outside the UK, and trick unsuspecting Americans who are ignorant of other cultures into watching this and loving it. Haha. That must be the explanation for the sort of high rating on IMDb! Or more than likely most people on there have shit taste in movies. 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • emmakwall

        Of course!!!!!!! I actually forgot he was in that show, he’s more bushy beard in that isn’t he? He’s obviously more proficient at a US accent than a cockney 🙂

        You’ve hit the nail on the head there! They definitely made this movie for Americans and other nationalities. I mean why have the mortifying storyline with Elijah Wood?! What’s the point???

        I’ve read plenty of comments or reviews from people saying this film is good. But I know they’re wrong. Sorry and all that…! Haha!

        There’s a film by Nick Love called The Football Factory and it’s really good. Unlike Green Street it has no moral conscience, it’s just a film about football hooligans. Some of the actors were really hooligans in real life and even the clothes they wear and the way they speak is all true to life. It’s far better 🙂 It’s a thuggish movie that won’t appeal to everyone, but at least it’s got a semblance of realism!!!

        Liked by 2 people

      • Justine B.

        He is a bushy beard! And longish hair for most of it too. Real motorcycle gang type fake American lad.

        That does put me off a bit actually, because I’m not a huge fan of Elijah Wood in the first place, ever since he annoyed the shit out of me as Frodo Baggins. I’m sure it’s the character’s fault and not his, but he gets the blame anyway!

        The Football Factory. I’ll write that one down. I already found the other two horror movies you suggested to me. Haven’t watched them yet though, I have to wait until I have time during the day 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • emmakwall

        Haha “real motorcycle gang type fake American lad” – sounds like Charlie is up to his old tricks !

        Yay! That’s so great you found the recommendations I gave you, I really hope you enjoy!!!! I totally understand. The Babadook is out on DVD now so I’m going to treat myself on pay day but I can’t watch it on my own or at night. And I may need psychological help (and a light on in my bedroom at night) for a month or so afterwards!!! (who am I kidding…three months minimum)

        I’m not really a big of Elijah Wood either. I liked him as the nerd in The Faculty though 🙂

        Frodo Baggins!! To be honest he’ll always REALLY be Frodo won’t he. Whatever he does!

        I really like The Football Factory. Some people hate it. It depends I suppose ! I wouldn’t be offended if you thought it was bullshit lol

        Liked by 1 person

  12. Laura

    I haven’t seen this one but it sound atrocious. Hunnam is clearly too pretty to be a football hooligan, and too young to be the leader of a whole firm (that’s the terminology, right?). What an utter load of shit!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  13. Damian Thomas

    Top action!

    I’ve always avoided this film of course, I heard good stuff and bad stuff about it and obviously chose to believe the latter. I never quite knew it was this shit though. 6 pretty boys.. well, one’s Elijah Wood so, 5 and a half pretty boys taking on the rest of Laandon’s hooligans? Give it a rest eh!

    I spotted that arse from Goal III is in it as well. This has just got “please no” written all over it.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • emmakwall

      Thank you Damian!!!! 🙂

      It’s absolutely atrocious. I know you’re not the biggest fan of football hooligan / thug movies anyway, but IF you were to watch one….it should never be this one. Haha “give it a rest eh!” 🙂

      I’ve been meaning to ask you for ages about your Goal reviews…it seems so odd having those amongst all those horror films / b movies / mondo stuff! Which one is the arse from it?!!! I’ll look it up!

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
  14. caragale

    LOL. That last pic is wonderful. I would LOVE to hear Gandalf use the word “twat” as an insult. Well done, Emma! I’d heard of this one, but I didn’t realize it was so…well, shitty. Bahaha. I shall avoid.

    #shitfesthelpspeople

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  17. By Hook Or By Book ~ Book Reviews, News, & Other Stuff

    This sounds truly horrible Ems! Not even a B movie, but more like a D or F? Talk about when good Frodos go bad 😦 And I hate it when actors don’t get their accents right. One of my biggest pet peeves was Robin Hood with Kevin Costner. Everyone else spoke with an English accent except for him. Arrgghh! The only saving grace was Alan Rickman’ s hysterical portrayal of the Sheriff of Nottingham! Anyway, awesome review 🙂 I think I’ll be skipping this.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • emmakwall

      Haha! Your comment really made me laugh Kim 🙂 Alan Rickman’s hysterical portrayal of the Sheriff of Nottingham!! And he wasn’t the best ‘German’ in Die Hard either LOL

      The Kevin Costner thing reminds me of 300. Always found it hysterical that Gerard Butler spoke in a Scottish accent. And didn’t Sean Connery do the same in Highlander even though he was supposed to be Spanish?!

      Yeah accents can be a point of contention. I understand not everyone can do them but……. This was REALLY bad though, I’ve never heard anything like it. Bless him for trying but why didn’t someone behind the camera say “Sorry, wait a second Charlie…….what are you doing???”

      Definitely a D or F movie! Or M? Or R? Or YZ?

      When good Frodos go bad ha ha ha! Love your comment!!!!!!!!!!!! 🙂 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
  19. Zoë

    Emma!

    “…about as far north from London as you can get without seeing the Aurora Borealis…” – LOL! And the whole bitch session about accents?! I get that frustration lady! Had a good laugh here, so thank you.

    I haven’t seen the movie since it came out.

    I think Hunnam is such a second-rate actor. Really. And I don’t find him purdy, either, so he ticks no boxes for me!

    #NoPerveTime 😦

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  20. SusanElizabeth

    I remember seeing this for rental! I skipped it because it didn’t strike me but now I’m glad I skipped because it sounds dreadful! I’ve noticed in other movies that charlie aint so great at accents in general. I guess it’s just not his thing.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  22. table9mutant

    Great review, Emma! I’ve not seen this. I’ve lived in the UK over ten years now but I’m still REALLY bad with accents. Wonder if I’d notice the bad accent?? Isn’t The Stone Roses song I Wanna Be Adored in this movie? That must be a plus at least. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • emmakwall

      Yes it is!!! You really know your soundtracks don’t you 🙂 🙂

      It’s strange you mention it though because even that was KIND OF an annoyance for me! They play a lot of Stone Roses during the whole film and though I love the band, to play pretty much constant Stone Roses music seems very out of place in a film about South East cockneys! The Stone Roses are sooooo prominently known as a real northern band, they were part of the huge Manchester ‘Madchester’ scene. I know I’m being anal now, I really am! But I still thought it was silly and further proof that the person/people who made this film had no idea what they were doing. (but I Wanna be Adored is a great song you’re right, I love it!!!!!)

      I reckon you would pick up on his bad accent/s 🙂 it was pretty extreme!! I feel a bit sorry for him now bless him lol but it was ridiculous.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
      • table9mutant

        Lol. I LOVE that I’ve found another movie blogger who actually notices the music in movies. Not that many do… So more than just I Wanna Be Adored was in the movie? I like The Stone Roses too but that’s actually lazy on the part of the filmmakers to just use a bunch of Stone Roses songs. I don’t know much about football & that whole lifestyle so I can’t really say what music West Ham fans would listen to. Hmm. Ska? 🙂 They should listen to Iron Maiden – Maiden are West Ham fans! I kind of want to watch this movie now… Not sure if that was your intention with your review! Lol! 🙂

        Liked by 2 people

      • emmakwall

        I love it more!! So glad 🙂

        I am probably exaggerating but I definitely heard 3 songs and like you say it’s lazy film making!!!! And they are so renowned for being northern lol. Ian Brown – northern monkey through and through. Anyway!!

        Ska would be a far better choice! Football hooliganism was actually really prominent in the 80s when skinheads and Ska music was big in Britain so ready that’s a sterling choice and far better than anything the filmmakers thought of!!! IN THEIR FACE!

        Do you know, I think I might be making MYSELF want to watch this film again lol so totally going against the point of Shitfest but hey ho! I’d be delighted if you watched it 🙂

        Are Iron Maiden really West Ham fans?!! That’s so cool!!!!!!!!

        Liked by 1 person

  25. ThereWolf

    Brilliant review of a ridiculously all-wrong, realism-free film.

    Generally, I don’t think football hooligans are cinematic; the subject just doesn’t make a good movie. I’ve not seen all the movies in this genre, true, but I haven’t seen a decent one yet.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  26. Pingback: Green Street (2005) | emmakwall (explains it all)

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