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WHAT THE FUCK??? I spent my hard earned money on renting this shit??? God damn I’m stupid. Horrible from start to finish, this movie stinks more than a homeless man’s underwear. Or even Tim’s. In fact, while I am not a violent person in any way, unless you plan to harm my loved ones, I am going to go ahead and challenge this movie to a fist fight.
BOO movie – I’ll be waiting in Britton Circles at 7 tonight. Be there or be a pussy. You can bring a knife – it won’t make any difference. I’ll destroy you. I’ve got a lot of torque in this mother fucker and Muckers has my back if you bring your fucking goons.
About the movie – some idiots decide to go to local abandoned insane asylum. Meanwhile, elsewhere, some cretins with terrible hairdos and clothing intend to go rescue someone else from the local abandoned insane asylum. Elsewhere, inside the local abandoned insane asylum, some dude is walking around in there seeing ghosts. The ghosts are memories of the lead’s child abused past so – it makes perfect fucking sense that other people would see manifestations of her child abused past even though she’s not there.
A long time ago I wrote that I wanted to take off my sweaty underwear and make Brian put it over his head so I don’t have to look at his face any longer. I change this. Last weekend (as of this writing) MRS THE IPC and I went to “The Plaza District” to buy a pie. This is in the downtown area which was built back in the 30s and is now being metro-renovated so it’s hip and fancy. On the outskirts of The Plaza District, we stopped at a Mexican joint and had some lunch. On the way to the car we heard someone screaming. Was it people having a good time? Horsing around and such? No it was some homeless dude lying in the garbage behind a thrift store screaming. I want to take his filthy, shitty underwear from him and make BOO pull it over BOO’s face.
A still from BOO:
BULLSHIT
WHAT THE FUCK???? I spent my hard earned money on renting this shit???? Well – there were two reasons I had an urge to look at this thing. A long time ago I put out a post called THE WRONG TURN PENTOLOGY – this is easily the most hit post on this site behind the “Home Page / Archives” thing. Users on this site who’ve looked at the stats page know that I get some serious pervs out here looking at the post and – because of the search terms, I have to issue disclaimers before I invite someone out here. As of this writing that post has 5,138 views, swinging its dick with swagger over Kim’s 2 Headed Shark Attack IMAGE rolling around with an even 3,050. So – I was thinking of trying to recreate the magic and put out a THE WRONG TURN SEXTET – garnering even MORE Wrong Turn Perverts looking for Wrong Turn Hillbilly Sex Tits but, after the viewing the woeful thing, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
#wrongturnhillbillysex
#wrongturnsistersex
#wrongturnmovieseximage
#wrongturnbuttholesex
I mean – this even started off a little good with some of The Sex and a couple of cool kills… Plus – this actress named Sadie Katz had been cool enough to do interviews with two of my good friends – James “Mister Rumsey” HERE and Tyson at a site that is now defunct… Sadie:
I was hoping I would love it and I would be itching to do an interview with her too and resurrect ISAACS INTERVIEWS but….
This movie was fucking miserable and it made me want to punch my pee pee repeatedly screaming “IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!” Seriously. I don’t remember what post it was that I griped and moaned about how it’s not that much fun for me when they use Eastern European actors to do Southern American accents but – it’s really not. I have nothing against Eastern European actors or the accents that they try and do but – in the attempts I’ve seen tried, they seem to fail. The Southern American accent and inflection is hard enough to tackle if you live here but, for real, shit on it!
I was so uninterested in this that I really didn’t follow the plot along that much but it seemed to be fucked to begin with. I *think* this is supposed to be a prequel to Number Four (which I believe was supposed to be a prequel to the whole thing) but in this one the idiot characters have smart phones and high-tech video recorders and the lead has some sort of poor backstory about how he was a Wall Street trader and he lost a lot of money for a bunch of people or some shit. So – if 4 was the beginning of the franchise and this exists, I guess there’s some sot of time altering wormhole in West Virginia that’s never been addressed.
For real – and this is a bad scenario for me – I feel like someone strapped me in to those stirrups and gave it to me in my butt against my will. I hated this movie. So, naturally, I rented the next movie purely for the fact that I wanted to see Katz’ big ole boobs again:
This movie is about as fun as: A SOCK FULL OF SHIT
WHAT THE FUCK???? I spent my hard earned money on renting this shit???????? OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAWDDDDD this was bad. I knew I was going to do two SHITFEST movies (the opening and closing) but who knew I would be working on FIVE?? The opening scene to this movie is painful as we see two people obviously NOT having sex even though they are depicting it. It’s colored in the same scheme as the poster there and I thought I might start punching my junk again. After The Sex, the guy falls asleep, which we all know is common, so Katz steals his briefcase full of heroin and leaves.
SHITFEST FUN FACT: It has been widely reported on the internet and the U.S. tabloids that Brian actually falls asleep DURING The Sex. True story.
I would think that if I was a big time heroin dealer I might secure that case instead of leaving it by the bed while you bone a filthy stripper, but that’s just me. Outside, she joins up with her abusive older sister and her smack addicted, comely younger sister and they head off to hole up in their parent’s house for a couple of weeks, sell the drugs after the heat has cleared and then head off into the great unknown with loads of money.
One of the first things that really bugged me about this movie is that, when they get to the house that’s been abandoned for ten fucking years it’s totally spotless in there. No dust, no cobwebs, no bugs – just a bunch of sheets over the furniture. That shit ALWAYS bothers me because anyone who is alive knows that it’s impossible to keep a house that clean much less if it’s been vacated for a period of time.
Over the next hour or so they bitch and gripe at each other and show themselves in various states of undress and bitch and moan and deliver poor dialogue and gripe and there’s something to do with a ghost and someone gets his dick shot off and there’s another ghost and a basement and there’s no electricity but the lamps and TV and the fridge all work and they make a big point to say that they use “well water” but they would still need to have electricity to heat it and they take hot, steamy showers and by the end of it I felt like this:
Although my face is a lot hairier and my hair is much shorter. I hope you appreciate that I didn’t actually pull that trigger but, by god after three straight movies like this I might as well have. UGH. FUCK. UGH.
Haha I’ve interviewed Sadie about both of those films as it happens! Guess you’re not a big fan of her films!
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I actually like Katz (thus me ordering House of Bad) I just haven’t liked the two movies I’ve seen her in. What did you think of House of Bad??
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I actually didn’t mind it, I thought there was room for improvement but I enjoyed it well enough and thought the relationship between the three leads felt very natural, as if they really were sisters.
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Fair enough!
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Thanks for the link though 🙂
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I do my best!!
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Great post Eric!!!!! Very funny 🙂 what a load of shit!
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Pen!
This was totally a load of shit!! A big load!! Bigger than you can imagine!!
#teapots
#anklekicks
#thequeen
Love Pen
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It’s a shame, I have a soft spot for the Wrong Turn movies but I never made it as far as that one!
Hahaha! Just a regular day in England squire!
#marypoppins
#pens
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Well…. let me know if you catch it!
Merrye Olde England!!
#crumpets
#guvnor
#pens
: )
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I doubt it to be honest. I would watch it lol but I’m not fussed. And it does sound pretty dire. I liked the first three though, especially the second one, I thought that had brilliant gory effects and it was pretty funny really (my idea of ‘funny’ could be fucked up)
#pens
#warmpens
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Well – you just keep me in the know in everything you do and we should be just fine, Pen.
#pens
#coldpenshere
Love Pen
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Promise! Lol.
Hope you warm up soon!!!!!!
Love Pen
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Thank you, Pen!!
No shit!! it sucks here!!
Love Pen
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You sound a bit down in the dumps Pen?!
Almost Friday….that cheers me up!
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NO NO! I’m great! Shitfest always makes me happy as a clam! I just hate going outside on break….
#pens
#clams
Love Pen
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Oh good!!! I know what you mean. Hope you get home in the warm soon Clam!
Clams and Pens
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Pen
Only six more hours!!!
Clam
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Awww man 😦
Well…at least it’s not eight!!! That’s all I can say!
Love Pen / Clam!
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That’s what I love about you!! Always positive!!
#positiveclams
Love Clam Pen
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And now it must be five?!
Yay positive clams 🙂 🙂
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4 and a half!!!!!!
WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CLAMS!!!!
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SWEET AS A NUT!
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Clam!!!
HAHAHA!! god damn I love your Englishness!!!
Love Pen
#teapots
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Yay!!!! I’m clicking my ankles together right now 🙂
I do actually say “Sweet as a nut” on a regular basis lol
Thanks Pen 🙂
#teapots
Love Clam 🙂
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I’m going to start saying that too!!
#ovalqueens
Love Pen
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Yay!!! I love that!! Thanks Pen!!
Sometime we (meaning my friends and I) say “sweet as a nut sweet like Tropicana”
I don’t even know why!!! Lol
#cupotea
Love Clam
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LOL!
I’ve been meaning to ask you since your big post – does everyone in England wear Bowler hats????
#bowlers
Love Pen
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Certainly! Well, everyone in the city does (and they carry large black umbrellas usually) people in the country might go for the tweed flat cap instead 🙂
Love Clam
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PERFECT!!!
#nowiknow
#tweed
Love Pen
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No problem Pen!!!
Love Clam 🙂
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WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
#umbrellas
Love Pen
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Unfortunately we need umbrellas far too often on this wet and rainy island!!!
Love Clam
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Clam,
Umbrellas and rubbers??
Love Pen
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Yes!!! But we call them wellies 🙂
I’m actually wearing some today!!!!
Love Clam 🙂
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You should post a pic of them on twitter so I have proof!
#rubbers
Love Pen
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Consider it done!!
#wellingtonboots
Love Clam
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SWEET!!!
#booties
Love Pen
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They look filthy in that photograph! I’ve shown myself up there. I need a shoe shine!!
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Clam!
LOL – I thought they looked sweet as a nut : ) perfect for an appearance by the queen!
#teapots
#clams
Love Pen
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Pen!
Thank you so much. Sweet as a nut of course is the highest type of adoration and I’m touched!
Queenie wants a pair but in bottle green (so I hear anyway…)
Love Clam 🙂
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Clam –
But of course, Guvnor!
Love Pen
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Hoo-bloody-ray!
#pens
Love Clam 🙂
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#puddles
Love Pen
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Dear SSC,
Damn, you have been watching a lot of shit lately! Great post!
Love,
JJB
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Dearest BJB,
The things I suffer through for Shitfest….
#commitment
Love,
SSC
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Kindest Chop,
Yep… that and your OCD (don’t even try and put Wrong Turn on Shitfest alone)!
#OCD
Love,
JJB
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Most Understanding JB,
Yes. You know.
#tictictic
Love,
OSC
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Pappy!!
So much shit!!!
Kidney!!
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Kidney!!!
So much shit!!!
#notenoughbutts
Pappy!!
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I stopped Wrong Turn with number three, but as bad as you say it is, I feel compelled now to watch number six, shitty or not. Though I guess I will have to suffer through four and five as well. Maybe the task is too great for me. lol
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Well, sir – you can’t say you haven’t been warned!
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Don’t punch yourself in the pee pee. Probably not a good idea… Also, are you sure it isn’t Brian’s wife who actually falls asleep??
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YOU DON’T PUNCH YOURSELF IN YOUR PEE PEE!!!!!
#wanker
As for that last comment – who knows?? You can’t trust anything on the internet any more….
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Everything on the Internet is TRUE!!! And I’m really really HOT. 😉
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Everything???
#MSM ????
: )
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Probably!
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WOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!!
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nice post, i actually liked wrong turn 6, mainly because 3, 4, 5 were so bad and made zero sense, i liked how 6 tried to bring things back to the original idea and ditching the torture porn idea
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Fair enough to me!!
Thanks for reading and the comment!
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Wrong Turn 6?? Shit, I didn’t even realise there was a Wrong Turn 2. As for Boo, well, just check out that stellar cast!
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Time to get caught up!
As for Boo – Boo can go fuck itself!
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“I would think that if I was a big time heroin dealer I might secure that case instead of leaving it by the bed while you bone a filthy stripper, but that’s just me.”
This is hilarious. I can almost feel your sanity slipping as you got further and further into the movies. Maybe you should take them all on in a fistfight and make them all wear that homeless man’s pants.
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HAHAHA!! I mean – for real???
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Lovely reviews of three shit films.
I read them really fast to be honest as I want to go back and stare at the thumbnail you used for this post for another hour.
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I don’t blame you – I’ve had it up all day! The thumbnail that is! The thumbnail!
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THREE shitty movies?!?!?!?! THREE?!?!?!?!?!?! Oh, Giantess. I don’t know why you do this to yourself. I’m very glad you didn’t pull that trigger. Also, keep that underwear far, far, FAR away…GOOD JOB, BRO!!!
#congratulatoryprobes
#shitfestisnotfortheweak
#xoxoxo
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I do what I do for YOU!!!!
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That’s why you’re the bestest!!!!!
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Who is?? YOU IS!!!!!!!!!
XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO
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On the one hand I’m sorry you suffered through 3 truly horrible movies, but on the other, it made for one hilariously funny post!
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Like like like like like!!!!
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butts
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You already know.
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That is a horrible thought, smellier than a homeless man’s underwear. I think that should be your tagline when you give out the Shitfest award. And poor Brian being accosted with the thought of having to put your underwear on his head.
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Should I change my home page “welcome note” to that???? (click the header at the top)
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What, are you on a masochistic streak right now or something, Sir Ipes???! These all sound HORRRRIBLEEE!!! Great, great reviews though. I’m in the library on campus right now and just laughed out loud. I think several people in the carrels in front of me turned around to see what all the fuss was about.
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Hopefully you get some action out of it!!!!
#heavypetting
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Reading this post made me feel like someone had put Brian’s underpants over my head.
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HAHAHHAHAHA!!!! A Shitfest win!!!
Wait…
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I’m here because the boobs told me to click! This is magnificently horrible. I love it.
*tear*
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V!!!!!!!!
It was awful!!!
*wails and moans*
Great to hear from you!! How are you??
*squeezes*
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*pats* There, there, my little flower.
Show me on the doll where the evil movie people touched you. D:
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Ha!!!!!!
*curls into a ball and cries*
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ps I’m good, how are you? 😀 *reunion hugs* *confetti* *running man*
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*does the foxtrot*
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Classy bastard.
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You fucking know it, you foxy broad!
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Shit the shit all over it! This sounds like an utterly wretched trio. How did you cleanse your polluted brain after such epic abuse?
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I washed them down with Wyrmwood and then pooped them out at the grossest gas station bathroom on the highway!
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Ha! Yeah, you wouldn’t want that shit lingering in your own bathroom #yuk!
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The STANK!!!
P.s. I think you’d like Wyrmwood : )
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First two words on Rotten Tomatoes: “zombies invade”… I’m in! #zombiesquad
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Fuck yeah!!
#beerismedicine
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Just reserved it, not out here until May. Rude!
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That is rude!! Pass your time with Dead Snow 2!
#zombiesex
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(P.s. I kind of liked that Final Terror movie)
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Only saw the first few minutes so far. Daryl Hannah was so young!
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#rachelward !!!!
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3 of these!!! so typical of you! Shitty, shitty and shittier reviews my friend!
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Thanks Robe!!! #shitfest
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Oops!! Rob!!
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