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WHAT THE FUCK??? I spent my hard earned money on renting this shit??? God damn I’m stupid. Horrible from start to finish, this movie stinks more than a homeless man’s underwear. Or even Tim’s. In fact, while I am not a violent person in any way, unless you plan to harm my loved ones, I am going to go ahead and challenge this movie to a fist fight.
BOO movie – I’ll be waiting in Britton Circles at 7 tonight. Be there or be a pussy. You can bring a knife – it won’t make any difference. I’ll destroy you. I’ve got a lot of torque in this mother fucker and Muckers has my back if you bring your fucking goons.
About the movie – some idiots decide to go to local abandoned insane asylum. Meanwhile, elsewhere, some cretins with terrible hairdos and clothing intend to go rescue someone else from the local abandoned insane asylum. Elsewhere, inside the local abandoned insane asylum, some dude is walking around in there seeing ghosts. The ghosts are memories of the lead’s child abused past so – it makes perfect fucking sense that other people would see manifestations of her child abused past even though she’s not there.
A long time ago I wrote that I wanted to take off my sweaty underwear and make Brian put it over his head so I don’t have to look at his face any longer. I change this. Last weekend (as of this writing) MRS THE IPC and I went to “The Plaza District” to buy a pie. This is in the downtown area which was built back in the 30s and is now being metro-renovated so it’s hip and fancy. On the outskirts of The Plaza District, we stopped at a Mexican joint and had some lunch. On the way to the car we heard someone screaming. Was it people having a good time? Horsing around and such? No it was some homeless dude lying in the garbage behind a thrift store screaming. I want to take his filthy, shitty underwear from him and make BOO pull it over BOO’s face.
A still from BOO:
WHAT THE FUCK???? I spent my hard earned money on renting this shit???? Well – there were two reasons I had an urge to look at this thing. A long time ago I put out a post called THE WRONG TURN PENTOLOGY – this is easily the most hit post on this site behind the “Home Page / Archives” thing. Users on this site who’ve looked at the stats page know that I get some serious pervs out here looking at the post and – because of the search terms, I have to issue disclaimers before I invite someone out here. As of this writing that post has 5,138 views, swinging its dick with swagger over Kim’s 2 Headed Shark Attack IMAGE rolling around with an even 3,050. So – I was thinking of trying to recreate the magic and put out a THE WRONG TURN SEXTET – garnering even MORE Wrong Turn Perverts looking for Wrong Turn Hillbilly Sex Tits but, after the viewing the woeful thing, I couldn’t bring myself to do it.
I mean – this even started off a little good with some of The Sex and a couple of cool kills… Plus – this actress named Sadie Katz had been cool enough to do interviews with two of my good friends – James “Mister Rumsey” HERE and Tyson at a site that is now defunct… Sadie:
I was hoping I would love it and I would be itching to do an interview with her too and resurrect ISAACS INTERVIEWS but….
This movie was fucking miserable and it made me want to punch my pee pee repeatedly screaming “IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!” Seriously. I don’t remember what post it was that I griped and moaned about how it’s not that much fun for me when they use Eastern European actors to do Southern American accents but – it’s really not. I have nothing against Eastern European actors or the accents that they try and do but – in the attempts I’ve seen tried, they seem to fail. The Southern American accent and inflection is hard enough to tackle if you live here but, for real, shit on it!
I was so uninterested in this that I really didn’t follow the plot along that much but it seemed to be fucked to begin with. I *think* this is supposed to be a prequel to Number Four (which I believe was supposed to be a prequel to the whole thing) but in this one the idiot characters have smart phones and high-tech video recorders and the lead has some sort of poor backstory about how he was a Wall Street trader and he lost a lot of money for a bunch of people or some shit. So – if 4 was the beginning of the franchise and this exists, I guess there’s some sot of time altering wormhole in West Virginia that’s never been addressed.
For real – and this is a bad scenario for me – I feel like someone strapped me in to those stirrups and gave it to me in my butt against my will. I hated this movie. So, naturally, I rented the next movie purely for the fact that I wanted to see Katz’ big ole boobs again:
This movie is about as fun as: A SOCK FULL OF SHIT
WHAT THE FUCK???? I spent my hard earned money on renting this shit???????? OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYY GAAAAAAAAAAAAAWDDDDD this was bad. I knew I was going to do two SHITFEST movies (the opening and closing) but who knew I would be working on FIVE?? The opening scene to this movie is painful as we see two people obviously NOT having sex even though they are depicting it. It’s colored in the same scheme as the poster there and I thought I might start punching my junk again. After The Sex, the guy falls asleep, which we all know is common, so Katz steals his briefcase full of heroin and leaves.
SHITFEST FUN FACT: It has been widely reported on the internet and the U.S. tabloids that Brian actually falls asleep DURING The Sex. True story.
I would think that if I was a big time heroin dealer I might secure that case instead of leaving it by the bed while you bone a filthy stripper, but that’s just me. Outside, she joins up with her abusive older sister and her smack addicted, comely younger sister and they head off to hole up in their parent’s house for a couple of weeks, sell the drugs after the heat has cleared and then head off into the great unknown with loads of money.
One of the first things that really bugged me about this movie is that, when they get to the house that’s been abandoned for ten fucking years it’s totally spotless in there. No dust, no cobwebs, no bugs – just a bunch of sheets over the furniture. That shit ALWAYS bothers me because anyone who is alive knows that it’s impossible to keep a house that clean much less if it’s been vacated for a period of time.
Over the next hour or so they bitch and gripe at each other and show themselves in various states of undress and bitch and moan and deliver poor dialogue and gripe and there’s something to do with a ghost and someone gets his dick shot off and there’s another ghost and a basement and there’s no electricity but the lamps and TV and the fridge all work and they make a big point to say that they use “well water” but they would still need to have electricity to heat it and they take hot, steamy showers and by the end of it I felt like this:
Although my face is a lot hairier and my hair is much shorter. I hope you appreciate that I didn’t actually pull that trigger but, by god after three straight movies like this I might as well have. UGH. FUCK. UGH.