THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE DELECTABLE:
Here we are at another round of Shitfest!
In the last few months of 2014, I did encounter a few really bad movies (I’m looking at you Bloody Mary) that would have fit the bill for this perfectly. Except it was so bad, that most of them, I already reviewed with so little effort because that was already more than it deserved. Coming around to this time’s Shitfest, I already had a good idea between a few on my Netflix list that look absolutely horrible. Final choice was eventually chosen by my boyfriend, who actually watches a lot of these really bad horror movies in his spare time and finishes them all, while this one won the selection because he couldn’t… Right, this movie is called Alien Origins, straight to video made in 2012.
Man, was he lucky because OMG!! Thats all I have to say about this. I almost shed tears of joy when the “credits” rolled.
Of course, I’m not going to leave you with just that..so lets start with a poster.
This is supposed to be a “real” found footage of events that happened put together from the “actual” filming” of events so almost everyone is pretty much uncredited.
This movie may be called Alien Origins but I prefer to otherwise title this: How NOT To Do a Found Footage. I’m not a found footage genius and I’ve seen really little but if found footage can get any worse than this one, they would just go straight to the deepest evil crevices of earth and burnt into flames.
One of the basics of found footage (or any movie), is that there is a certain visibility. 80% of Alien Origins was just a literal blur.
I get there’s a lot of escape but the original mission was a journalist and her crew following an army to secretly film a scouting mission through a f&cking forest. You’d think that they’d at least have the brains to bring something that’s not the quality of a smartphone (and my smartphone is better than whatever camera they are using). I get the mystery of not knowing your enemy, I really do and not seeing what the hell is going on around, because that builds suspense, but when I spend 80% of the movie feeling like throwing up because it’s so blurry, that is NOT a good movie experience. Let’s not even talk about the sense of mystery because the pacing of this movie had NONE! Oh it did have one pacing and that was BORING because nothing happened significant enough for it to mean anything.
Second point I’d like to address is that the characters were so massively stupid. I guess it was expected but you’d expect a scientist to be not too dumb. Tell me what you think Mr. archaeologist here is picking up.
That is a damn skull. When you go into a cave and you find that, you do not pull the skull apart. Thats disrespectful to the dead. Sure, its a slightly deformed skull, which is even MORE of a reason to not do anything disrespectful to it. God forbid, there might be a spirit looming nearby. Sure, its not this movie because we’re talking extraterrestrial and not paranormal/supernatural, whatever you wanna call it. Maybe thats not making a found footage no-no but more like a common sense no-no. And you wonder why the “aliens” wanted their ass, right?
On the note of stupid characters, the army is sent to investigate missing scientists as a side mission. Exactly! The dumbass in the previous paragraph. Thats not my problem though. They had civilian journalists with them. What are they thinking? What was HQ thinking? Okay, fine, I’ll ignore the bad call. But the dude leading this crew is so stupid. One of the army dudes hears or thinks he sees this thing in this intense situation and he get paranoid. The leader comes up to him quietly. The camera is focused directly further in front, making them on the side and out of focus and the leader’s like, “Focus directly in front of you. Don’t move too fast, not too fast not too slow.” And then he sprints off..LOL! He can’t give instructions precisely and can’t even follow through with them. Nice job! Not to mention, WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU FOCUS ONLY IN FRONT OF YOU? WHY?
So, thats not stupid enough for you? Okay, now, the crew, after finding a crazy doctor randomly reappearing in the cave, they get him out and somehow end up in the spaceship, which of course, they don’t seem to think its one. Or at least I think they didn’t. I think I might have dozed off for a few seconds because I was so fed up. I’m sure I didn’t miss much though. So he vanishes again after finding his lady assistant who is badly hurt and they scout to the “spaceship”
A little rule on trying to rescue anyone if you plan on breaking and entering, not that there’s a lot of that because it was more open house style. DON’T START TALKING LOUDLY, CRYING, YELLING, COUGHING, ETC. You get the idea, right? I know we’re all smarter than that. I was just thinking, “Sure, why not louder everyone? Because you want everyone (because even if no one was visible) to come capture your asses and do god knows what to it.” And then this area was pitch black and when the camera moved it was just blurry transition and the crazy lady assistant thought it was a good idea to grab the skull (probably the same one) and take it with her AGAIN!
Now, we come to the final point that I kind of brushed on above. Aliens! *ahem* There was none of that. Maybe a vague shadow at some point but I think the camera was crapping out or something. I can’t remember anymore and I refuse to turn on that movie again. I’ve suffered enough already. Eventually, how do we know the “aliens” are on their asses?
They are followed by explosions and I believe it was like flare-like things that just murdered them one by one. It was like this cheap pyrotechnical show going on. Everyone flutters around because thats what you do when you see everyone go down and man, it was just so lame. I have no other words to say. Plus, when you hear some ridiculous army dude say, “Something weird, something not right” and “Something not fucking right. Something wrong here.” Repeat much? I got it and I’m pretty sure I know that things have been bad for a while even if no one even knows what it is. Because there’s only been weird tree markings at the beginning and then a shady cave event, people reappearing out of nowhere and a spaceship to hint at it all. *rolls eyes* Plus, people in the group are gone and back and I just kind of lost track. Point is when everyone just disappears, I went YAY! because it was over.
Alien Origin was so bad, so boring, so blurry, so sickening and man, you REALLY don’t want to see this. Trust me, ok? Promise me you won’t! There’s so bad its good. This is NOT one of them. You know what this is? So f&cking terrible its worse than shit. Don’t waste your time!