I’ve been doing this thing for a few years now and – when I think back about the past – one of the first people I met out here was Mark Walker (Marked Movies) or Muckers as I call him (that’s a Scottish thing, he says) (he got his Scottish hackles up one night when I called him “amigo” on Twitter). Anyway – you always remember your first LIKE out here (mine was from a rather defunct blog called Aloha Mister Hand) and your first comment from a stranger (mine was from the lovely Erin at SEVEN DOORS OF CINEMA) and your first friend. When I first started this place, this was intended to just be a place where my friend Lem and I could go off and use words like shit and mother fucker about bad movies without having to do it on our work servers. I never thought I’d meet anyone or anything like that and have Shitfest, but look where we are now and
Anyway – Mark and I have been hanging around and drinking for a long time now so, for SHITFEST 2015 I figured we’d expose some of my favorite moments in Mark’s life: his top ten shitfaced moments!! Please note – we’ve never actually met. If for some reason you’re not familiar, please click the above link or this fancy image to get to his site, after you’ve read this thing:
While I’ve always wanted to win my own contest, this is a collaboration and in the case that this entry should win, the trophy would go to Mark for supplying the source material! I couldn’t have done this without you, Muckers! Presenting:
THE DOG SHIT INCIDENT
November 2014 – After work, on the public bus, Mark looks at an NSFW post on my site. He gets aroused and, at the first stop, gets off (the bus) and buys a bottle of Irish Whiskey. He spends the next eight hours walking around Glasgow exposing his erection to the elderly and avoiding local law enforcement. When he finally arrives at home, his old lady has thrown away his hot dinner and sits mad as fuck on the couch. “Where’s mae supper, woman??” he slurs, plopping down at the dinner table. “Here’s yae fuckin’ suppa!” she yells and slaps a mound of dogshit in front of him. Hungry from eight straight hours of drinking 160 proof liqour, he eats it and passes out under the table.
THE LOST SAILOR
July 2008 – Mark and his buddies decide to go fishing at a place called Loch Lomond. They rent a pontoon, buy several cases of Russian vodka and head out into the water. After three days of ingesting nothing but alcohol, Mark forgets to wear his deck shoes and slips of the boat into the icy water. His crew look for him and even call in whatever the Scottish version is of a Coast Guard but his body is never found. Three days after he is declared dead and his funeral is being prepared, he is found in a pub in a place called Campsie Glen, asleep in a booth. When the paramedics wake him he says “Cheil Ah need tae piss.” Which translates to “Man, I need to pee.”#8
THE UNHOLY SINNER
December 2012 – Mark has spent the entire month of November drinking Peppermint Schnapps, redoing his farm house. On the 12th of December he returns home and sits down in his living room, fully clothed. He checks his smart phone and notices that Pope Benedict XVI has opened a Twitter account. The following image was the first Twitter Photo the Pope ever received. From Mark. To this day, it is still unclear what message Mark was trying to convey.
August 2011 – The one time he’s ever visited The States, Mark travels to Manzano Peak, part of a mountain range in New Mexico. His intention is to drink raw tequila, eat some peyote and discover what it means to be a god. He rents out a hotel room to store his luggage and such and hits up the concierge for his alcohol and dope. An hour or so later there is a knock on the door and his special orders are delivered. Being a Scot, he decides to start early and eats a quarter gram of Peyote, washing it down with four double shots of straight-from-the-cactus tequila. 77 hours later, he wakes up and realizes he never made it to the mountain and discovers something other than what it means to be a god:#6
August 2011 – 77 hours and 2 seconds after the last shot of tequila:#5
THE MOON ALSO RISES
February 2000 – Mark is attending a reunion concert involving the remaining members of the Bay City Rollers. He has a VIP ticket and is enjoying complimentary Scotch, cigars and cocaine off of a hooker’s giant tits. After four hours of this, he stands to relieve himself and realizes he’s too fucked up to make it to the bathroom. Being a quick thinking Scotsman, he drops his pants and shits all over the glass table behind him. “Snort ‘at ye hooker.” he mumbles and falls forward trying to pull up his britches. Ass up and passed out, his butthole is eventually used as a repository for cigar ashes and unwanted shillings.#4
DATE NIGHT 2003
February 14 2003 – You never know when you’re going to meet your Soul Mate, but on Valentine’s Day 2003 Mark set out to do just that. The night started off simple enough at a pub in Bargeddie – as things do. Pint after pint after pint of warm beer, some darts, a little rough housing and then shots of Jameson. At 7:00 PM, Mark left the building and happened to stumble into a limousine parked outside the pub. Pissed from mixing Jameson with Cutty Sark and cutting it with Goldschlager, he decided to take a nap and see where fate would take him. An unknown time later, he woke to hear the sounds of what was obviously a discotheque. Being an adventurous Scot, he mussed his hair, tucked in his shirt and walked into the dance club like he owned the place, and started doing The Charleston. As he was swinging his arms back and forth like a Frenchman, a lovely woman approached him and gave him a good stare. “Ye pit ‘at makeup oan yerself sailur?” she asked, sipping a fruity cocktail. Confused, Mark nodded in approval and went on about his dancing. Admiring his machismo and his smooth moves, she joined in and they danced the night away, soon to become a couple!
It wasn’t until the next day he realized the limo driver had given him a makeover.
A VACATION IN THE PHILIPPINES
2013 – On the run from the Vatican Police for threatening the Pope, Mark feels boxed and cornered. Eluding the Catholics, he stows away in the bilge tank of a Scottish garbage scow, developing scurvy and a taste for feces in the month long voyage to deposit all of Scotland’s waste in their contracted repository: The Philippines. There, stinking with yellow skin, he is taken in by a local brothel and turned into a Benny Boy (be careful looking that up). For almost one year he wears a wig, a skirt and services horny sailors for 25 Filipino Pesos a throw. Eventually, broken and aged, he decides enough is enough and returns home to Scotland willing to face the lash and be crucified, if that’s what his fate intends. As he steps onto the dock at Glasgow Harbor, he sees a torn flyer tacked to a teleGRAPH pole. It reads that the search is off as the Vatican burned 1000 Scots to heat their furnace for the winter and “An eye for an eye and all of that shit”.
NUDE FOR SATAN
May 1995 – Mark makes a deal with Lucifer to be the first person in his family to graduate from University. One Saturday night before his last exams, he kidnaps a young man from Solway Firth National Park, takes him to a secluded bungalow, strips him nude and binds him like a pig. He then also makes himself nude, dances around in a candlelit pentagram and makes his human sacrifice as commanded by Old Scratch himself. He drinks his sacrifice’ blood, skins him and passes out in an orgasmic delirium, jizzing all over the floor of the cabana.#1
WHAT THE FUCK
May 1995 – Mark awakes the next morning and starts acting like this.
BOAT DRINKS, MUCKERS!