I’ve been doing this thing for a few years now and – when I think back about the past – one of the first people I met out here was Mark Walker (Marked Movies) or Muckers as I call him (that’s a Scottish thing, he says) (he got his Scottish hackles up one night when I called him “amigo” on Twitter). Anyway – you always remember your first LIKE out here (mine was from a rather defunct blog called Aloha Mister Hand) and your first comment from a stranger (mine was from the lovely Erin at SEVEN DOORS OF CINEMA) and your first friend. When I first started this place, this was intended to just be a place where my friend Lem and I could go off and use words like shit and mother fucker about bad movies without having to do it on our work servers. I never thought I’d meet anyone or anything like that and have Shitfest, but look where we are now and
#ShitfestForever
Anyway – Mark and I have been hanging around and drinking for a long time now so, for SHITFEST 2015 I figured we’d expose some of my favorite moments in Mark’s life: his top ten shitfaced moments!! Please note – we’ve never actually met. If for some reason you’re not familiar, please click the above link or this fancy image to get to his site, after you’ve read this thing:
While I’ve always wanted to win my own contest, this is a collaboration and in the case that this entry should win, the trophy would go to Mark for supplying the source material! I couldn’t have done this without you, Muckers! Presenting:
#10
THE DOG SHIT INCIDENT
November 2014 – After work, on the public bus, Mark looks at an NSFW post on my site. He gets aroused and, at the first stop, gets off (the bus) and buys a bottle of Irish Whiskey. He spends the next eight hours walking around Glasgow exposing his erection to the elderly and avoiding local law enforcement. When he finally arrives at home, his old lady has thrown away his hot dinner and sits mad as fuck on the couch. “Where’s mae supper, woman??” he slurs, plopping down at the dinner table. “Here’s yae fuckin’ suppa!” she yells and slaps a mound of dogshit in front of him. Hungry from eight straight hours of drinking 160 proof liqour, he eats it and passes out under the table.
#9
THE LOST SAILOR
July 2008 – Mark and his buddies decide to go fishing at a place called Loch Lomond. They rent a pontoon, buy several cases of Russian vodka and head out into the water. After three days of ingesting nothing but alcohol, Mark forgets to wear his deck shoes and slips of the boat into the icy water. His crew look for him and even call in whatever the Scottish version is of a Coast Guard but his body is never found. Three days after he is declared dead and his funeral is being prepared, he is found in a pub in a place called Campsie Glen, asleep in a booth. When the paramedics wake him he says “Cheil Ah need tae piss.” Which translates to “Man, I need to pee.”#8
THE UNHOLY SINNER
December 2012 – Mark has spent the entire month of November drinking Peppermint Schnapps, redoing his farm house. On the 12th of December he returns home and sits down in his living room, fully clothed. He checks his smart phone and notices that Pope Benedict XVI has opened a Twitter account. The following image was the first Twitter Photo the Pope ever received. From Mark. To this day, it is still unclear what message Mark was trying to convey.
THE VACATION
August 2011 – The one time he’s ever visited The States, Mark travels to Manzano Peak, part of a mountain range in New Mexico. His intention is to drink raw tequila, eat some peyote and discover what it means to be a god. He rents out a hotel room to store his luggage and such and hits up the concierge for his alcohol and dope. An hour or so later there is a knock on the door and his special orders are delivered. Being a Scot, he decides to start early and eats a quarter gram of Peyote, washing it down with four double shots of straight-from-the-cactus tequila. 77 hours later, he wakes up and realizes he never made it to the mountain and discovers something other than what it means to be a god:#6
MONTEZUMA’S REVENGE
August 2011 – 77 hours and 2 seconds after the last shot of tequila:#5
THE MOON ALSO RISES
February 2000 – Mark is attending a reunion concert involving the remaining members of the Bay City Rollers. He has a VIP ticket and is enjoying complimentary Scotch, cigars and cocaine off of a hooker’s giant tits. After four hours of this, he stands to relieve himself and realizes he’s too fucked up to make it to the bathroom. Being a quick thinking Scotsman, he drops his pants and shits all over the glass table behind him. “Snort ‘at ye hooker.” he mumbles and falls forward trying to pull up his britches. Ass up and passed out, his butthole is eventually used as a repository for cigar ashes and unwanted shillings.#4
DATE NIGHT 2003
February 14 2003 – You never know when you’re going to meet your Soul Mate, but on Valentine’s Day 2003 Mark set out to do just that. The night started off simple enough at a pub in Bargeddie – as things do. Pint after pint after pint of warm beer, some darts, a little rough housing and then shots of Jameson. At 7:00 PM, Mark left the building and happened to stumble into a limousine parked outside the pub. Pissed from mixing Jameson with Cutty Sark and cutting it with Goldschlager, he decided to take a nap and see where fate would take him. An unknown time later, he woke to hear the sounds of what was obviously a discotheque. Being an adventurous Scot, he mussed his hair, tucked in his shirt and walked into the dance club like he owned the place, and started doing The Charleston. As he was swinging his arms back and forth like a Frenchman, a lovely woman approached him and gave him a good stare. “Ye pit ‘at makeup oan yerself sailur?” she asked, sipping a fruity cocktail. Confused, Mark nodded in approval and went on about his dancing. Admiring his machismo and his smooth moves, she joined in and they danced the night away, soon to become a couple!
It wasn’t until the next day he realized the limo driver had given him a makeover.
#3
A VACATION IN THE PHILIPPINES
2013 – On the run from the Vatican Police for threatening the Pope, Mark feels boxed and cornered. Eluding the Catholics, he stows away in the bilge tank of a Scottish garbage scow, developing scurvy and a taste for feces in the month long voyage to deposit all of Scotland’s waste in their contracted repository: The Philippines. There, stinking with yellow skin, he is taken in by a local brothel and turned into a Benny Boy (be careful looking that up). For almost one year he wears a wig, a skirt and services horny sailors for 25 Filipino Pesos a throw. Eventually, broken and aged, he decides enough is enough and returns home to Scotland willing to face the lash and be crucified, if that’s what his fate intends. As he steps onto the dock at Glasgow Harbor, he sees a torn flyer tacked to a teleGRAPH pole. It reads that the search is off as the Vatican burned 1000 Scots to heat their furnace for the winter and “An eye for an eye and all of that shit”.
#2
NUDE FOR SATAN
May 1995 – Mark makes a deal with Lucifer to be the first person in his family to graduate from University. One Saturday night before his last exams, he kidnaps a young man from Solway Firth National Park, takes him to a secluded bungalow, strips him nude and binds him like a pig. He then also makes himself nude, dances around in a candlelit pentagram and makes his human sacrifice as commanded by Old Scratch himself. He drinks his sacrifice’ blood, skins him and passes out in an orgasmic delirium, jizzing all over the floor of the cabana.#1
WHAT THE FUCK
May 1995 – Mark awakes the next morning and starts acting like this.
BOAT DRINKS, MUCKERS!
The man seems to have led quite the adventurous life. lol
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Mark Walker – International Man of Mystery and Intrigue! And Sex!
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Colourful for sure, but tame in comparison to my man, Eric. 😉
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That almost seems impossible to think of. Are we to see a second installment of Shitfaced Moments then?
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That would be pretty awesome although I’d have to take digital images of old photographs….
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That’s some really eventful moments.
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He’s been a busy Scottish bastard, that’s for sure!
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The demon drink, Vinnie. It can do some hideous things to a man.!
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Definitely agree with you there Mark.
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perhaps I shouldn’t have been eating lunch when I read this 🙂
Quite a shitty post guys! 🙂
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Too many butts to go along with your bologna sandwich??
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Apparently 😉
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#buttsandbologna
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Thats the real meaning behind bullshit 😉
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We’ve solved an ancient mystery here today at Shitfest!!
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Just for that Mark deserves the trophy!!
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AGREED!
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Fantastic, I loved this!!!!!
If it’s one thing the Scots can do, it’s drink! I work with a Glaswegian bloke and the other week (true story) he was quite upset and pondering WHY has NO-ONE ever invented an alcoholic pizza?!!! (true story)
I love this post Eric and Mark, really great fun!!!!!!
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Thanks Clam!!! Can’t he just smuggle in some Scotch and keep it in his desk drawer or something???
THANK YOU!!!
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Thank YOU Pen! (and Mark)
Oh he does that I think!!! He turned up to a meeting drunk once (from the night before) and was wearing casual clothes. One of the bosses said he should be wearing a suit and tie and he said “ey’ll fooking wear what ey fooking want!”
Doesn’t sound that shocking but it actually was !
Love Clam 🙂
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Did they not fire his ass on the spot??? Drunken bastard!!! I’ve never touched the stuff.
#innocent
Love Pen
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Nope!
Yeah yeah yeah!!!!!!! #penislying
Love Clam 🙂
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Seem the rules are pretty loose over yonder….
Well maybe once………………
#penisinnocent
Love Pen
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Haha! #penisguilty
Love Clam
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Eh????????????????????????????????
#penisgoingonbreak
Love Pen
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I dunno man, I’m going round the twist!
Love clam 🙂
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HAHAHA!!!!
#dothetwist
Love Pen
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….not sure if these are true or not….
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Hand on the bible. All true. There are no lies on this site.
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Strange as these events may seem, I can confirm their authenticity! 😉
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This is exceptional work. It would almost certainly win, but unfortunately that exceptional Troll 2 review I sent you has Shitfest 2015 in the bag.
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Thanks for reminding me about that! I ended up drunk the other night and forgot like I told you I would.
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Damn that Troll 2. That shit movie always tops the lists of bad movies.
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Sorry broseph. Better luck next time.
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Fuck! Even I’d have to vote for that!
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Dear PSC and Mark,
Ah, what a wonderful collaboration. It seems you own the drinking crown Mark, well done!
Love,
JB
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JB,
HAHA!! No one drinks like a Scot.
Love,
SSC
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As it goes, this post coincided with me going on the wagon. With events like this, can you blame me? 😉
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So erotic…
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When I was making this I knew that pic of the stuffed dog would get you off.
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Fuckin worked…
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Do you have a sock full of jizz??
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That’s my favorite Frank Sinatra song.
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Amen, Brother! High five!
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Prime Scottish Beef! 😉
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He’s like Forest Gump’s evil, vitiated twin. I love him.
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And he loves you right back. And he’s standing behind you with his penis about to touch your neck.
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Well, why don’t I just turn around then.
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How was it?????
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very jizzy…..tasted like Johnnie Walker.
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I’m going to allow this.
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Haha! Fine, fine work my friend. It’s funny, I never even provided you with most of these details but you captured my life story almost to a T. You know me so well. 🙂
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EXCELLENT!!
I’ve been following you around for a long time……..
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You must be. Strangely enough, Ive left Glasgow now and just moved to the Campie’s. I’m actually quite astonished you mentioned it. You fucking stalker! 😉
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That’s pretty fucking funny!!! HAHAHA!!!
I totally just pulled out something from Google Maps….!
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Seriously man! I’ve moved to that area, out in the sticks. Fucking uncanny!
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That’s totally fucking awesome!
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“Ass up and passed out, his butthole is eventually used as a repository for cigar ashes and unwanted shillings.” Haha! There are some great fucking lines in here, man. I’m going to have to read it a few times to capture it all. 🙂
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HAHAHAHAHAH!!!! YES!!!!!! Excellent!! I’m glad this worked out so well!
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You’ve done a great job, man. So much detail it’s hard to take in on one sitting. I’ll be reading this all night!
Boat Drinks Amigo!
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BOAT DRINKS MUCKERS!!
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I’ll return a little later when I get a chance to read through it again. Really love the imagination here mate! 🙂
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Sounds great!! Thank you, sir – you’re the inspiration!
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Ha! Too kind my friend! Too kind! 🙂
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So true!
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as my life flashes before me…
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HAHAHAHA!!!
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Too funny!!!!!! Love it! Mark you are one pesky mutha-effer. Some of the first people I remember are you and Zoe. 🙂 Yes friends let’s join in a circle and sing and dance and play spin the bottle. #bae
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BAE!!!
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO I’m in!!!!!!
#bae
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A “pesky mutha-effer” has to be the sweetest thing I’ve ever been called. 😉
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What about that time Tyson called you a Scottish Cunt?
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Well… that admittedly touched my heart too!
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HA HA HA!!!
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Oh you are!!! 🙂
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Ah, what a legend that Marcus is. We’ve all had that VACATION IN THE PHILIPPINES! I hear yer Mark!
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It’s SO TRUE!!!
#sluts
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This is a wonderfully thought provoking and poetic post. Rabbie Burns would be proud.
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Aah, the great Rabbie. The inspiration was taken from The Bard himself, and his drunken womanising days 😉
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So when is Mark Walker, the Movie coming out?
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We’re working on setting up a Kickstarter campaign as we speak!
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I’m already thinking of titles… Marked for Meth?or Walking on Moonshine?…
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I think Walking on Moonshine is perfection.
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It’s like the chicken and the egg, only it’s the Scotsman and the alcohol. Who motivates who? Great and hilarious as usual post, Guys! 🙂
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A mystery as old as the ages!!!
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As old as the hills of Campsie Glen. 😉
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
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Alcohol and the Scottish are symbiotic. We have a relationship of mutual benefit and dependence.
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HAHA, I know. I’ve had a chance to travel with a few Scotsmen and really couldn’t keep up! I’m just wondering… were all these pictures taken by you? :-))))))
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Most of them were taken by me. The one were I’ve had a makeover while sleeping was genuine and obviously I don’t take a photo of my own arse. Who does such a thing? 😉
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Christ this was a bonding experience. I now feel I have Leveled up in the Friendship department because of these photos. Lol!!!
Automatic winner in my book, right here. Cheers for the ridiculously hard laughs fellas.
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It’s all feeling a little cosier in here now!
Group hug???
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I can never unsee this. Viva Shitfest!
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Haha! Putting the Shit back in Shitfest! 🙂
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Brilliant. Mark, you live a very adventurous life, sir.
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Lol! Nice. Good work here, guys! This was disturbing yet adorable at the same time… : )
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And by that, you mean, I’m adorable???
Wait. What?
#never
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I don’t know whether to be disturbed or aroused by this. Maybe both?
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It’s normally the ladies I have that effect on! 😉
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I’ve been aroused for weeks…..
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I’d expect no less from you buttercup!
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Sportin’ wood!
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I can’t see the wood for the tease… 😉
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Campsie Slut!
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You can camp out in this slut anytime!
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#brothersforever
Boat Drinks!!
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Haha! Boat Drinks brother. The banter is always good! 😉
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Especially when it involves sluts!!
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