THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE TASTY:
When we heard that zombie king George A. Romero was making another zombie trilogy, after the impact of the first, I don’t think I’m the only person who touched themselves inappropriately. However, as the films eventually came out, we gasped in horror, not because they were scary or anything, but because they were horrifically shit and we realised that Romero had in fact lost it. A lot of people say Survival of the Dead was the worst of this latter trilogy, but as absolutely terrible as it was, it didn’t offend me as much as a film I can only describe as being the second worst film I’ve ever laid eyes on. So for my shitfest debut I shall be reviewing Diary of the Dead.
This is not so much a review actually, as a scientific experiment to see how my head reacts to sitting through this absolute atrocity for a second time. The experiment involves me basically finding a pirated copy of this mess on a dodgy website and trying to sit through it again. Ironically, I’ll be documenting the shit that’s going on every five minutes, including the inevitable emotional breakdown that follows, and keeping a short diary. Is this what Hades is like, vicar?
0 minutes: This film is produced by “Artfire” films. What’s that? Is that like setting fire to art? Isn’t that what Hitler did? I knew there was something sinister about this crap. The first shot is of some guy putting his camera on a tripod or something, who films that?
I’m already starting to weep slightly.
5 minutes: After only one scene with a reporter (played by the worst actress I’ve ever seen) being eaten by a zombie, I’ve realised that the script to this film is shit. I’ve heard better dialogue coming out of my granny’s arse. We meet our protagonists and it turns out they’re a bunch of one dimensional film students (and twats), whatever happened to you George A. Romero?
I’m starting to feel sick, I think this film is giving me shit flu.
10 minutes: The students are making a horror film but they start arguing about how zombies can’t run and stuff. This scene is just way too quippy to be in any way natural, and a tip for anyone making a found footage film, having the camera move about constantly and shaking a lot doesn’t make it look authentic, it just means the cameraman’s an arse head.
I thought the shitness of this film had blinded me for a few seconds, but it turned out I had my eyes closed from cringing so hard.
15 minutes: The cameraman is already starting to piss everyone off by constantly filming shit. I mean, who puts a camera down on a bed still filming so he can hug his girlfriend? The main girl said before that she’s added music to this “documentary” for dramatic effect, this seems to also include loud music stings for shitty unaffecting jump-scares. Who would include that in a documentary based on all their loved ones dying? Bitch!
I think the shit flu might have developed into full blown brain aids.
20 minutes: The brats are in a RV now and they’re still talking shit. Seriously, when the driver is running over a load of zombies, what kind of twat films his friends for reaction shots instead of the actual walking dead? Here’s another tip, having a split second of blue screen and a beep in between every cut does not make this look authentic, it just means that the editor is a complete weapon. It’s bloody irritating too.
I looked down only to realise that I’ve accidently been self harming during this, I carved the word “piss” into my forearm with a knife I didn’t know I was holding.
213 minutes: After a scene where the whole cast get punched to death by “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan, Ken Foree runs into shot and grabs Romero from behind the camera. He screams into his face “STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD THINK OF YOUR LEGACY!”. Then, Scooby Doo and his team of hippy investigators turn up and Thelma (the frumpy one) pulls off the Romero mask and it turns out that it was Brett Ratner all along. Daphne (the sexy one) then talks directly to me and offers me cars and houses to fulfill her perverse sexual fantasies. I agree to this and as soon as she’s about to touch it, I wake up and realise that I have to go back to the point where I fell asleep and continue watching this massive barrel of hell.
I feel somewhat rejuvinated, but I’m in a pit of despair that I still have well over an our of this to go.
25 minutes: One of the girls shoots herself in the face (possibly because she realises this film is complete arse) but unfortunately she’s still alive. The rest of the fucking twats take her to a hospital and they get attacked by zombies. Even the zombies in this are shit actors. I can’t help but remember all the quality characters from the original trilogy, they each had their own unique and well developed personalities and motives. There’s a blonde girl in this, she’s from Texas, that’s her character.
The hospital scene was pretty boring at first so I experimented to see if I could drink my own head. I was unsuccessful.
30 minutes: Well this film just goes from ultra shit to ultra-ultra shit. The camera runs out of batteries, but unfortunately Camera Twat finds a charger. He spends the next few moments charging it instead of helping the others look for a doctor or something. He’s also talking to himself like the twat that he is. Even worse though, the main girl, who I now really hate the most, has found another camera, and she points it at Camera Twat and gives it the classic “See how it feels to have a camera shoved in your face?”. She’s basically taking the piss out of him for filming all the time, but a second later, a zombie rises from a hospital bed and what’s the first thing she does? Points her camera at it. Bitch!!!
This film is so shit that I’m actually starting to get off on it in a masochistic way. I’m thinking about using my tears of anger as lubricant.
35 minutes: One of the twats gets bitten so they shoot him in the head and bury him. Anyway, I haven’t even mentioned the professor character yet, I’ve been trying to blank him but can no longer manage it. He’s some old bastard that seems to always be drinking out of his little hip flask no matter what time of day it is. Worst thing is he’s English, which I am, and this fills me with shame. He’s acting like a dramatic action hero and it seems like he’s been waiting for the dead to rise his whole life. He talks in a murmer like Adrian Brodie does during his shit performance in Predators, oh and yeah, he’s a massive twat!
I’m attempting to use the blood from my “piss” wound to write a letter to Romero like a serial killer would, basically calling him a massive canal of shit, but it’s harder than it looks so I gave up.
40 minutes: The twats meet up with some Amish guy, and through him, it seems that Romero is attempting humour. Like every other decision in this toss, it turns out to be a poor one. The twats are also still producing one liners and quips as the world (America) is being overtaken by the undead. This is about as dramatic as an episode of Sister, Sister, which I wish I was watching instead.
I lost concentration there for a while as I subconciously started to educate myself about Soul Provider, the 1989 Michael Bolton album on wikipedia via my phone.
45 minutes: The twats meet up with a group of black men who say that everything’s great because for the first time in their lives they feel “in power”. I guess that’s the deep racial message dealt with then, very subtle George. Seriously though, these are the people we should be following throughout the film, not the snot nose rich kids.
I’m thinking about throwing a Diary of the Dead themed party. This basically entails just having a party and inviting everyone you fucking hate.
50 minutes: Is it really necessary to show a scene of Camera Twat editing footage we’ve already watched? Who would film themselves doing that anyway? Does this scene make us feel that everything makes sense now and this is why we’re watching what we are, or does it just bore our arses off? Why is this film so shiiiit!?
A reverse Diary of the Dead drinking game. Vomit blood everytime someone says something shit. Sometimes it’s harder to not participate.
55 minutes: Diary of the Dead is still shit. The CGI is just laughable and at times it seems there’s well more than two cameras in operation. The main black guy doesn’t seem to mind having a camera film him from about a yard away from his face, even as he’s basically threatening to shoot Bitch Twat.
I have to keep rehydrating because of the fluid loss caused by my weeping. I’m all out of absinthe so I’m now drinking Ralgex.
60 minutes: So after tackling the race issue we then get a scene of some Japanese girl on youtube saying things like “We Tokyo” and “Shoot head, shoot head!” It’s like Mickey Rooney in Breakfast at Tiffany’s all over again. At one point it looks like Bitch Twat is going home and leaving the group, but before the viewer gets a chance to crack open the champagne, the rest of the complete twats decide to go with her and carry on filming her shit face. Bitch!
It’s 50/50 at this point whether I’m going to find the nearest smack den and ask to share a needle before jabbing it into my now decaying eyes.
65 minutes: So at Bitch Twat’s house, it turns out her family have turned into zombies. Good. She says in a voice-over that she was undecided about putting these images into this film, but she felt it was important. Not only did she show us her zombie brother attacking her, she added a lovely little music sting when he jumped out at her, you know, for dramatic effect. Bitch! She then has another go at Camera Twat for filming all the time, even though he’s not the only one doing so. These two are boyfriend and girlfriend by the way (I couldn’t be bothered to mention that until now) and I’d probably feel sorry for him having to put up with her but for the fact that their acting is so awful that this relationship seems about as real as the shit fairy. Plus, he’s also a massive twat.
It just hit me that if there’s a God, then he created George A. Romero, who in turn, created this train wreck. God is a twat.
70 minutes: Some army guys come along and steal all the twats’ supplies. For some reason however, after making Camera Twat turn off the camera as they did so, he didn’t then steal the camera. I wish he did, I wish these bastards would just stop filming this shit now.
I heard some other shit happening too but I got distracted by a much more exciting event, watching piss dry.
75 minutes: They go to one of the twats’ houses and of course, the rich brat lives in a mansion. There’s a scene where one twat says “I don’t want to make this movie” and Camera Twat replies ” I don’t wanna make this movie either but I can’t change the script!”. I like to think they’re not acting at this point and they’re discussing Diary of the Dead. If you change the word make to watch in their little conversation, then that’s kind of how I feel right now.
To think, I used to class Zardoz as a bad film. I’d gladly get the script tattood on my back after watching this shower of brain rape.
80 minutes: So there’s a scene where there’s three people in a room and one of them has a camera, yet when the other two are having a conversation, the scene is cutting between them. Either Camera Twat has now gone film mental and has started holding two fucking cameras, or George Romero is a talentless hack. What do you reckon?
I’ve just ordered the Sister, Sister box-set from Amazon as a way to cleanse my soul.
85 minutes: So a zombie chases Texas Girl and Camera Twat follows just filming and not helping. Eventually she knocks the zombie out, but for some reason they decide not to kill it, it then goes into the mansion and kills one of their twatty friends. These people are such twats.
I’m trying to contact Kim Jong-un to tell him that Diary of the Dead contains hidden messages calling him a fat gay with a shit haircut.
90 minutes: Some more shit happens and the film ends. Thank Moses for that.
In summary, my eyes feel like they’ve been in a 90 minute bareknuckle fight with a monster made out of shit and they lost on points after being knocked down about fifty times, but for some reason always getting back up for more punishment. Diary of the Dead is shit. It’s so shit that I’ve heard doctors prescibe a viewing of it to cure happiness. For a zombie based found footage film it just gets everything wrong. Found footage films are supposed to have a natural feel, but this is like watching a crap soap opera but with shitter acting and weaker characterisation. I’m off to watch Ukrainian snuff films to try and get this absolute bag of arse out of my head. Cheers.
Here’s a trailer.