I am so pleased to present Melissa from SNAP CRACKLE WATCH and her first ever post here!!!!
A couple of weeks ago, I was super bored and I put my name in for a bunch of stupid contests from my local newspaper. To my surprise I won two tickets to see Jupiter Ascending. So last time I did this contest thing, I won tickets for Kill the Messenger. Bueller, Bueller, anyone seen that effing movie? Nope, because it was a piece of crap.
Knowing that I thought to myself, maybe I shouldn’t go see this movie, then I saw some more trailers and really thought wow, Melissa, you should not go see this crap movie. But being the nice person that I am, I invited one of my best gf’s to see it and she said, yes I will drop everything to see it! As much as I love her I thought dammit, now I have to go.
So we stocked up on candy and goldfish and I carried 2 sodas and a water in my purse and got in line an hour before the movie started.
OMG, the people in that line were NUTTY to say the least. Apparently, there are a bunch of people out there, all weird as hell who thrive on these free movie contests. These three really odd, eccentric women started talking about hating pretty much anything mainstream out there and how they refuse to pay for HBO or Starz or anything like that. Mind you I am in the middle of them, my arm hurts from lugging all the smuggled sodas. Then my friend finally shows up and we are just stuck there listening to these people bitch about everything. At this point, I am over it I want to go home, but screw it my best buddy is here and we will make a night out of it.
Then my friend said that the whole theater smelled like a roller rink. Remember those? My young friends out there (Zoe, Natasha, Anna) probably don’t remember, but those places smelled like old socks and BO. I really wish she had not said that because that’s all I could focus on.
We finally get in and the place is packed. It’s like a giant party of weirdos and rejected Comic-Con people in there. But we are good we got our snacks and 10 dollar popcorn that I gave in and bought because it just smelled too good.
(My $$$ popcorn)
The movie starts after a million previews as usual, and we cannot see the movie, it looks all fuzzy. I thought everyone was about to riot in there, people started going crazy. The movie is in 3-D and they forgot to give us glasses. So then they turn the lights back on, pass out glasses to every single person in the theater. Oh god! They turn the movie back on and we have to watch the previews again. At this point, this movie better be Oscar worthy, because it is a Monday and it is just too early in the week to deal with this type of shenanigans.
On to the movie, Jupiter Ascending is the worst movie of 2015. It is only February, but I am sure it is the worst.
The movie is about a girl named Jupiter Jones (Mila Kunis), her Russian father named her that because he liked planets. The father is killed and I couldn’t tell you why these Russian people came in and shot him, and now the mother is left to raise her alone.
Her mother and her clean toilets for a living. Out in space there a bunch of people fighting for mother Earth. Those are the two sides of the stories, Jupiter who is on Earth and the people in space who want to utilize Earth for nefarious things.
This pretty dude Titus, his sister Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) and brother Balem (Eddie Redmayne) are all part of the Abrasax family. That pretty guy hires Caine Wise (Channing Tatum) to find the special person on Earth who is actually the mother of those space people re-incarnated. Uh huh sure, still with me. I am sure you guys can guess who it is.
Caine is actually a half-man, half dog person and Jupiter tells him she really likes dogs, so yeah it’s a match made in heaven. He takes her to see Stinger (Sean Bean), he used to be a fighter in space and now he lives on Earth with his daughter, in a place filled with bees. The bees are attracted to Jupiter because it turns out she is really Queen Abrasax. When Caine and Stinger see this, they realize they need to save her because her space children actually want to kill her and take her throne.
Turns out Balem, since he is the oldest should actually get throne next, but his brothers and sisters want it too. Balem is a bad guy, I mean they all are, but he has a bunch of dragons slash dinosaur minions doing his dirty work. So when he sees Jupiter, who he believes is his mother, he wants to kill her because apparently a million years ago she tried to kill him. HUH? What the hell was going on, I still really don’t know. In fact, towards the end I was falling asleep and ready go to home and the 3-D glasses were giving me a headache.
From there I don’t know what the hell happened. The whole movie was action sequences that were superfluous and pointless and nothing really made sense or tied together. The only thing I enjoyed was seeing this pretty, pretty man.
I know the Waschoiski duo who did the Matrix films did this, so you would think it would be halfway decent, but it just didn’t work. I think they were trying to hard to be cool like Guardians of the Galaxy. The graphics and 3-D component of the film were really well done though, so I will give them kudos for that aspect, and only that.
Everything in this movie reminded me of something else… in space.
Magic Mike in space
Family Guy’s Meg in space
The logo on the barrels in Breaking Bad in space
Ned Stark in Space
The girl from Belle in space
Stephen Hawking in space
A girl who has hair like Lana Wachowski in space
Wannabe Queen Amidala in space
Moral of this post, whatever you do, don’t waste your money or time on this weird craptastic movie.
}}Melissa
what a shitty review Melissa! nicely done. movie looked awesome, but I guess it is far from it.
Love that pic of Eric in the roller rink. (ah, life in the 80’s) Tear…nostalgia
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HAHA!! YES!! No one could Shoot the Duck better than me!!!
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#dorkonskates
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#yep
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Yup that is Eric circa 1981 haha
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Where did u find that pic? Thought he burned all copies 😉
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Wait till you see your 80’s pic I have saved. HAHA jk!!! But I will find one for you. 🙂
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Good luck! If u search my site very carefully you’ll find one of me 😉
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Lady! I love this! Smuggling shit into the theatre is the only way to watch a movie 😛 I grab mini burgers and spans of sweets, pack my bag and pay the cinema only for my Slush Puppy because screw them and their exorbitant prices (especially here – the Slushy is almost equal to a damn movie ticket!!!!!!!). NOOOOOOOOOOOO, Redmayne in this? And Sean Bean? And Channing Tatum? What is going on in the world? I had no interest seeing this, even with The Matrix names attached to it, solely because my goodness, those previews peeved me already. What I DO know, though, is there are few things as entertaining as watching a shitty movie with your bestie!
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JB!
Burgers???? In your purse???
#sketchy
#mustard
#onions
Love,
SSC
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Chop,
Indeed!
No ways, they are these little things called “Slyders” from Chicken Licken, they come with four in a box, and they are just awesome.
They are like… the best little things to take in with you and eat hahahahaha.
Love,
IJB
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SJB,
CHICKEN LICKEN??????? MINCE MATE?????
XXXXXXXX
#chickenlicken
#mincemate
Love,
SSC
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Dearest PSC,
CHICKEN LICKEN! They even have a “Fly Through” hahahahaha!
Love,
JJB
#MinceMate
#Slyders
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Funnest SBJB,
I LOVE IT!!! I might have to come there just to see for myself : )
Love,
SPSC
#chick-fil-a
#hamburgerhelper
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Kind Chop,
You would have to. They sell a lot of Soul Food bwahahahahahaha.
Love,
JB
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Warm JB,
#bloomers
Love,
SC
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Thanks Zoe, yes it so expensive here too!! Insanely expensive you can easily drop 50 bucks on a trip to the movies. This is horrible never ever even if it’s free watch this!!!!!!!!
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Bah, it’s ridiculous what movies cost man! 😦 And here by us the releases can be so sketchy at the best of times!
Alright, I will skip this one COMPLETELY. Thank you for the heads up!
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Smuggling food into the cinema is the best thing, now way I’m paying loads of money for stuff. Anyway, great review the wannabe Queen Amidala line had me in stitches.
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I like to eat nachos with a lot of pepper on them so those wouldn’t be easy for me to sneak in in my jacket pockets….
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Definitely won’t be easy to sneak them in.
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Maybe the peppers but not the cheese….
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You have a point there.
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Thanks Vinnie!!! Horrible horrible rip off of a movie!!!
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Loved your ‘in space’ comparison … I didn’t mind ‘Jupiter Ascending’ personally, but your write-up made me laugh, good job 🙂
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I’m just happy we finally got a picture of Meg on this site….!
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Melissa! Sorry you had to experience this! I LOVE smuggling stuff into cinema.
YAAAY! you called me young 😀 😀 😀
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Kidney!!!
#youth
Pappy!!
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Oh you guys are!!! Little youngins’ 🙂
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Awesome review!!! Really funny 🙂 🙂
Cannot believe they forgot the glasses and STARTED THE PREVIEWS AGAIN!!!!!!! NO!!!
And loved the ‘Breaking Bad’ logos – well spotted!!
Made me laugh about smuggling the food into the cinema, it’s a similar state of affairs when I go. Military operation!!
This film sounds terrible, I didn’t fancy it much anyway but your review has solidified it for me!!
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Clam : )
Same thing happened to me in Gravity….
#truestory
Love Pen
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With the adverts as well?! What a SWIZZ!
I’m angry and it hasn’t even happened to me yet! I’m sorry to say it but cinemas suck more and more each day.
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Yep…. wellllllllllllllll technically they didn’t forget that glasses so I guess I lied a little. They gave us the glasses but forgot to turn on the 3D portion of the broadcast so I apologize for the error…..
#penissorry
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Actually…now you’ve jogged my memory. It was the first 3D film I ever saw – My Bloody Valentine. And they definitely restarted it!!! I can’t exactly remember why but I think it must have been similar to your deal, they forgot to turn the 3D on.
GRRR!
I don’t like 3D anyway, like Melissa said in this very post, just gives me a headache in the end.
#penisnotsorry
Love clam 🙂
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FUCKERS!!!
Yeah – I hate it too – it’s nauseating….
Love Pen
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When they brought out DVDs I was overjoyed!
DVDs will always be enough for me! I grew up watching VHS for gods sake – DVDs seem like heaven to me – clear picture and they last forever! What more do you need?
I like Blu-Rays but even then…who really cares? But 3D just seems so stupidly unnecessary and I hate it when they adapt the film so it has more ‘3D moments’. It’s really cheap!
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It’s a sucky fucking gimmick!!!!!!!!!!
Love Pen
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VHS god I miss those, I dont’ know why but I do!! Just makes me nostalgic, those damn bulky things.
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Haha I know what you mean!! One GREAT thing about them was being able to fast forward disclaimers and trailers. Some DVDs don’t even let you skip or press the menu button. Grrrr!
🙂 🙂
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Very true, it takes forever to get the movie started. True true Emma!
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Thanks Emma, yes it was a horrible movie and experience. That’s what you get when a movie is free.
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It sounds it, I think you deserve votes for the awful REAL LIFE experience as well as your great post!!
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HAHA!! Thanks Emma
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Wait, you brought three drinks for a two-hour movie?
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You’ve still never answered my question about your new Gravatar image…
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That’s Repo Jake, he’s eating soup directly out of the pot.
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Sounds like a real cocksucker.
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Shush and yes!!!!!!!! I shared them.
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Gross.
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Why do you spit back in your soda?!!! ew
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Great review – love the comparisons. lol Yet, even though everyone has slammed this movie into dust – I’m still going to sit through it once it hits Netflix. Maybe I’m just a glutton for punishment. lol
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You must be!
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Thanks Eric!! My first shitfest post and experience all together because watching that movie was a shitty experience. Thanks Big BALLA!!
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Thank you, Baller!!! This was great!!!! EPIC!
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Pingback: Shitfest 2015: Jupiter Ascending | Snap Crackle Watch!
Hooray for cinema smugglers! Not so much for Magic Mike and Meg in Space. Great Shitfest post Melissa!
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Fantastic, eh?
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Magnificent.
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Top review, Melissa! I was never going to watch this anyway, but even if someone throws free tickets at my head, I’ll still be sure to avoid this mess!
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Crack the window like a lingering fart and toss them out!
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That’s the most mental thing I’ve read this year. You never cease to impress The Scoot!
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True story:
On Saturday night the IPCs ate homemade tacos. On Sunday morning the IPCs venture out into the frozen landscape in search of donuts. The IPC slips a fart out, hoping MRS IPC won’t notice. She does and asks “Did you fart???” To which I own up to my grievous actions. My window is cracked and I am subjected to negative, blistering temperatures. A few minutes go by and I ask if I can be spared freezing to death. She politely declines, stating “It’s lingering.”
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I see, I now know what you mean by “crack the window”. That was a cool story, mate, I like to think you replied by saying “well, at least I didn’t follow through!”
All in all, tickets to this film are basically like naughty taco farts that should be expelled through a window crack. Lovely analogy!
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HAHAHA!!!!
Perfect!! Hopefully the Blu Ray distributors will put that blurb on the cover!!
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It would be a crime not to!
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Let’s start a grass roots campaign!
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Shitfest can make this happen!
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I BELIEVE!!
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Don’t stop. Believing.
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Americans eat goldfish at the movies??? Like live ones? And they give you free 3D glasses? Crazy shit! Unlike this movie… which was just shit.
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Heh heh – Goldfish are a type of cracker here : ) : )
#tasty
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Oh… disappointing…
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LOL
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What, this is shit?? But it looks so good on the trailer! Man….
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I won’t speak for Melissa since I haven’t seen it but…………………. (POOP)
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Oh man, and I really wanted to see that too!!
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Hey!! Don’t forget! Your big post is out tomorrow! Right here!
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WOOT!! 😀
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HUZZAH!!
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Nice review, Melissa! This sounds awful. But I miss roller skating. Even in places that smell like B.O. 😦
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Is this one of those mystery / coded comments where you are actually asking me to Couples Skate with you??? I can never read girls….
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Yes and holding hands while skating!!
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Do you think she’ll try and steal a smooch? Or kill me with a smile???
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For sure a little one on the cheek, so risqué!!
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She’s so chaste and virginal!!
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Just hearing this suggestion will scare her off!
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She’s so pure!
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Um. No. ; ) lol!
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OH…… : (((((((((((((((((((((
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This is amazing. Nicely done Melissa! This film just sounds so horrible, I can’t wait to see it and find out just how horrible it is.
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At least you’ve been properly warned!
#warnsies
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This sounds absolutely awful – I’m actually more excited about seeing it now than when it was all hyped up last year!
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GOOD LUCK, ACE!!!
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I’m sure I’ll need it when I come to regret my enthusiasm.
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LOL
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Yet another modern release making the Shitfest cut? Good work Melissa. I’ve heard that this is very much a steaming pile…
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Shitfest: Pulling no punches since 2013
HAHA
Boat Drinks, you Campsie!
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I love that the entire cinema sequence was Shitfest worthy. Not just the film, but the queues, the audiences, the staff… I think this deserves double points for that reason alone!
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Thanks Luke, it was horrible, don’t ever see this like ever. And yes thanks BAE! 🙂
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I hate that this is so terrible. I really had hoped for better. 😦 But, hey, you got a great Shitfest review out of it!!! Well done, Melissa!!! Damn those Wachowskis, stealing things/people from other sources!!! Hahaha.
Oh, also the most important thing here: HOW DO YOU KEEP WINNING ALL THESE MOVIE TICKETS??? …And can you share? 😉
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HAHA Thanks Cara! I just signed up today after I told myself I never would, for Insurgent, Let’s see if I win!
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I bet you do!!!
#luckyprobie
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I’m glad you didn’t have to pay to see this! The trailer looked so stupid it had me in stitches.
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A belated congrats on your first shitfest post Melissa! What a beauty it was, too!
But man oh man, it really made me miss Ned stark. Such a handsome half pony laid to rest too soon.
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Thank you! Belated is always surprising and well appreciated. And yes that pony tail will forever be missed!! 😦
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