THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE DELICIOUS:
Since I’m really not great at writing long reviews, I decided that I would do 5 mini-reviews instead. Enjoy! 🙂
House of 1000 Corpses
So Rob Zombie made a movie? That’ll be awesome! *puts it in the dvd player* Oh, I’m sure it just starts slow… *waits* Any time now… *waits more* Oh look, gore… *waits* And, oh, more gore… *sighs* Maybe I’ve got some email to check… *heavy sighs* Or maybe a tooth to get pulled… oh look, it’s over. Hallelujah. Note to all future horror film makers: Copious amounts of gore and little else does NOT make a good film. It tries so hard to be weird that it just ends up being silly and, even worse, boring. What a waste of celluloid. 1/10, and that’s probably generous.
House of the Dead
I’ve never openly scorned a film, loudly, in a cinema before this one. But I felt I had to join in the chorus all around me. The only reason I didn’t demand a refund is that I didn’t pay for this. I feel sorry for anyone that did. This film should be the course material for a class called “How to Fail at Movie-Making 101″. Implausible story (even for a story including the living dead), completely unlikable cast, boring action and on top of it all everyone is so dumb that you wonder how they made it this far in life without loosing a limb or some other vital thing. Once one of the characters laments his life being over after getting a scratch on his cheek (oh, no, my beauty! Why didn’t they kill me??), that was it for me. Much booing and throwing of popcorn happened after that. Ugh. 0/10, and I don’t give that score often.
Drag Me to Hell
I went into this film expecting something really scary, I’d heard some good things. Then, almost as soon as it started, I regretted my purchase. I stared at the screen, face all screwed up in “are you serious?” incredulity. I understand the director’s love of practical effects, I love them too, but at the same time, it’s not the 70’s anymore. More can be done with less. And, besides the dated effects, it was just… silly. The horror, instead of being scary, made me laugh, and really not in a good way. The old woman going all tae-kwon-do in the back of the girl’s car? And then getting stapled? And the thing with the goat? And the arm in the mouth? Ugh, I could go on, but I’d rather not. I’m trying to cut back on stuff that’s bad for me :-p 1/10 is all it deserves.
The Human Centipede
So, I knew going into it that something called The Human Centipede wasn’t going to be a quality film. But there are limits to human stupidity, come on now. Your car gets a flat on a lonely stretch of road surrounded by woods. You get out and start walking to find someone to help. And you do this by… walking through the woods?? Why the hell would you even consider leaving the road? And these girls just have the worst luck on the planet. Flat tire, disgusting pervert, lost in the woods, heavy rain, and now crazy doctor guy. Who they tell they’re alone. (The correct answer to the “are you alone?” question posed by a creepy stranger, kids, is “no, 2 friends stayed with the car in case someone else drives by”.) And unfortunately, this was the best part of the film. It was disgusting, stupid, and then asks us to care about these idiotic people who basically had “serial killer bait” tattooed on their faces. Oh, and that inspiring speech the Japanese man gave about “going out as a human being!” and then slicing his throat open? Yes, yes, very touching… until you realize that he’s speaking Japanese. To a German and two American girls. No one understood a word of what he said. Maybe that would explain the shockingly hilarious look on the doctor’s face while he’s talking… So, no, no stars for this one. It’s nauseating, and doesn’t even have the grace to at least be interesting to apologize for it.
Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
So yeah, there went an hour and a half of my life that I’m never going to get back. It’s a shame too, because the trailers held such potential. But in the end, it was nothing but one long fight scene (and not even a very good one, at that) with occasional lines of badly delivered dialogue in-between. Yes, stars Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner are pleasant to look at, as is Famke Janssen when she’s not all witched out, but in trying to make them look cool and witty, they just made them thoroughly unlikable. None of these actors are really known for their acting chops, except maybe Renner, but they hit a new low here. Every line was awful, and more than half of them made me cringe. I was tempted more than once to just turn it off and watch something else, but decided I may as well tough it out. I kinda regret it now. I give it 1/10, which is more than it deserves.
And that concludes my “Shitfest Quintet”! Hope you enjoyed it at least more than I enjoyed these movies! hehe