THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY MY BITCH:
Digital Shortbread’s Shitfest 2015 entry — Sex Tape
Release: Friday, July 18, 2014
The trickiest part about reviewing a movie like Sex Tape is doing it without giving myself an ulcer. Or a heart attack. Or without calling Cameron Diaz too many terribly degrading names. Or getting depressed that I actually watched this film, spent the money on it, spent the time on it, spent my brain cells on it, spent anything on it. Or doing it without reminding myself that this god-awful production didn’t really lose that much money at the box office (it didn’t make it all back of course, but it didn’t lose nearly as much as one would think for something that is this offensive to all the moviegoing senses).
Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel — God bless his soul, especially after this mistake — star as a young couple who fuck like rabbits. They have a profoundly unique perspective on life: sex is great, sex is fine — doggy style or sixty-nine. Whether just for fun, or getting paid, these two truly enjoy getting laid.
They are the couple who probably go over to their neighbor’s house for dinner on occasion and the inevitable comment arises out of a moment of awkward silence: “Wow — we just can’t believe how much you guys fuck.” Truth be told, me, little old me in the audience, I’m not as surprised. I mean, if I were in a heated affair with CAMERON EFFING DIAZ, I’d have to be some kind of unic or something to not properly enjoy myself. A stubborn idiot, at the very least.
*Heat flash.* *Brain short-circuits.* *Boobs/life flashes before my eyes*
As I was saying prior to my stroke, this is a tale about two young lovers who end up realizing that sex cannot be the be-all, end-all factor in their relationship. As they “age” (though the make-up artistry in the film won’t allow you to appreciate this aspect) they come to learn that their mojo can, in fact, become “lost.” One evening they come up with a plan: let’s film ourselves doing the flippity-floppity. Maybe that’ll get the magic back! Cool idea, but you better know what the fuck’s up with The Cloud, and data storage, and the abilities of MacBooks to automatically sync data. And so, the film rests on its “best joke,” milking it for all it’s worth (insert really gross boob joke here) — that technology, particularly that relating to Macintosh products, can be a tricky bastard. What the film really does though is demonstrate the stupidity of the average Mac customer.
“Nobody knows what The Cloud is,” he shouts to his worked-up wife in the car after they realize what’s happened. Plot hole: uh, yeah they do, if they’ve taken the five or ten minutes required to do the reading on it. But rather than the randy couple doing that research, they’re confronted with the reality of their genitals making their pubic public debut thanks to the nebulous space we call the Internet.
I think I’m in the minority of those who saw the movie and believed it would’ve been better if there were genitalia to gawk at. (Segel’s ass-cheeks don’t count.) I guess that would make this a porno, though. (Jason and Cameron Make a Porno? Hello — Kevin Smith?!!!)
I can’t deny I’ve been intrigued by Sex Tape’s premise. It’s pretty amusing to think of all the ways in which the public would react to your own sex video, and how you would go about trying to convince people to un-see it. Or, compromising: not having it shared with everyone else. But the execution under the direction of one Jake Kasdan leaves so much to be desired it’s not even funny. My penis just threw up a little bit thinking about this wasted potential. Which . . . whatever; you can take that last statement however you want. What I can deny is that I was turned on by Sex Tape. This thing is the definitive anti-boner.
However, I do like the fact that Eric once again is providing us all these sprawling green acres upon which we can just dump our shitty thoughts/baggage. Quite honestly I don’t have the courage to put a review of this awfulness on my own page. (Oh, and as a final kick to the ‘nads: sorry Ipes — but no Cameron Diaz boob-age to up the score here. This movie fails all around, I’m afraid.)
Recommendation: It seems director Jake Kasdan really enjoys watering down his films with the stupidest form of comedy possible. Sex Tape could be good if it weren’t so confused in thinking vulgarity and dumb looks translate into genuine comedy. For something more genuine, I’d much rather watch Orange County over and again. Now that’s some good shit.
Running Time: 94 mins.
Quoted: “Who has sex for three hours? That’s the length of the movie ‘Lincoln.’ You did the full Lincoln.”
Editor’s Recommendation: NEVER search “SEXTAPE 2014” on Google….