THIS ENORMOUS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE ENORMOUSLY TESTICLED BRIAN FROM:
Snowpiercer: A Haiku-powered Journey
“Train Kept A-Rollin”
Train runs ‘round the world
Every piece of track intact
No need for upkeep
“Around the World”
What’s the point of the
train going around the world?
Small circle instead?
“Caste System”
Rich front, poor back, but
why are there poor on the train
in the first place, huh?
“The Arm”
Cold enough to freeze
this guy’s arm off, but later
we’ll just walk outside
“Accents”
This kid lived his whole
life on the train, but speaks like
Benny Hill? Nonsense
“The Revolution Begins”
Puts gun to forehead
Click. Not loaded. But he could
have aimed it elsewhere
“Roach Bars”
We’re eating roaches!
We find that gross! Even though
we ate human flesh
“Packing on the Pounds”
If we only eat
roach bars, then why is that one
woman heavyset?
“Meat Locker”
Frozen sides of beef
Lots of them. But hang on, where
are the fucking cows?
“Tilda Swinton”
Tilda Swinton. No.
She stalks me in my nightmares
I will never wake
“The Battle”
Big fight. Knives. Axes.
Maybe now would be a good
time for those bullets
“School Car”
Time to learn about
the train, which could be learned in
a week. No high school
“Sushi Break”
Let’s have some sushi
We’re not in a hurry or
anything. Jesus…
“Pool Car”
Let’s go for a swim!
One foot deep. One train bump and
the water spills out
“Opium Den”
So this train is just
hobos, junkies, and psychos
Real utopian
“Time Out”
Again, why not just
fill this train with people they
wanted to be there?
“Blown Away”
I will blow the door
But I have no plan to hide
behind anything
“Blown Away II”
Maybe instead of
exploding we force the guy
to just stop the train?
“Blown Away III”
Or, instead of the
door, you could have just blown out
a window earlier
“Fighting Everyone”
Shot in the gut? Eh.
Namgoong still fights everyone
They’ll slip in his blood!
“Child Labor”
This kid has to grease
the gears, because we forgot
to bring some spare parts
“Polar Bear”
Boy, girl, in the cold
No shelter, no food, now this
bear will just eat them
“Polar Bear Cub”
Wait, if everything was frozen
what did these bears eat? Where did
they live? Makes no sense
“Overall”
This film was pretty
but completely ludicrous
even for sci-fi
Good stuff Brian. I thought I was the only one who didn’t rate Snowpiercer.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks, Mark. Yeah it’s a decent concept and setting but there was just too much complete nonsense. I know it’s sci-fi but things have to make sense on some level to make it immersive and interesting.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I thought that when I came out here and said I didn’t like this movie too much, everyone yelled at me……?
LikeLike
You gave it Three+ Top Hats.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I know – I remember – I still think I got yelled at….
LikeLike
SHUT UP!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
FUCK YOU!!!!! Now take off your panties and get on your back!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
FUCK YOU!!!!
…
ok…
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s about fucking time. I’ve only been waiting 2 years….
LikeLike
I’m finally ready to commit.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Unlock that chastity belt!!!
LikeLike
A dragon is guarding it. You have to go on a perilous quest to find it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m ready….
LikeLike
The dragon’s lair is in Greece.
LikeLiked by 1 person
FUCK THAT SHIT. Stay a virgin.
Did you notice the poster I picked out for this post?
LikeLike
OOH-LA-LA! Tres jolie!
LikeLiked by 1 person
What a Frenchman….
LikeLike
Me as well. I don’t understand the love for this movie. It is mostly just boring
LikeLiked by 2 people
It took me two tries to get through it, which is 4 less than Blade Runner, at least.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Two dongs??
LikeLike
“You brought two dongs too many…”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Natasha once told me that “There’s no such thing as too much ding”…
LikeLike
I’ll take her word for it.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Your cow question just ruined this movie for me. Thanks.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Happy to help! 🙂
LikeLiked by 2 people
Kidney!!
Had you seen it before???
Pappy
LikeLike
Pappy!
I did and thought it was nicely done…
Kidney
LikeLike
True poetry! My heart never knew beauty until the ridicule of this movie. Once again, Shitfest provides.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thanks! I’ll be appearing at a local coffee house tonight, with special guest Ed Harris.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I am there!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Shitfest is here: FOR YOU!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LOL great work here Brian! VERY appropriate gifs throughout, excellent!
I must say that even though it was flawed. I had a good time with Snowpiercer.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you. Eric was not happy about the amount of gifs he had to upload. I think he’s going to sue me.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Did HE take credit for that?! 😉
LikeLiked by 1 person
No I mean the time it took him to upload. I submitted this in November and he just finished uploading it yesterday.
LikeLiked by 2 people
xD Naturally, naturally! Did you expect anything less?
LikeLiked by 1 person
*closes book*
*notices comment*
*removes glasses*
Ahem. Let’s discuss this. In private. We don’t need our dirty laundry defacing the public.
Love,
SSC
LikeLiked by 1 person
*looks around awkwardly*
Alright then…
Love,
JJB
#TheCrowFlies
LikeLiked by 1 person
Dearest Posting IJB,
We’ll hash this out properly!
Love,
SSC
#thebox
LikeLiked by 1 person
Kindest Chop,
I think it must be done!
Love,
JJB
LikeLiked by 1 person
Beloved SBJB,
YES!!
Love,
NSSC
LikeLiked by 1 person
Okay – I’m assuming this is full of spoilers? Because I still really want to see this even if Brian thinks it’s shit & I agree with him 87.69% of the time. But I think he may have done something to Harrison Ford’s plane just so he can’t make Blade Runner 2…. ; )
LikeLiked by 3 people
SPOILER: IT’S FULL OF POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#poop
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes it it, but you’d save yourself a lot of time and aggravation.
I’m actually highly anticipating how Blade Runner 2 will turn out. If Harrison Ford gave the most boring performance in the history of cinema in the original, I can’t even fathom how he’ll be 35+ years later.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Lol. Leave Harrison Ford alone! 😉 I’m still totally going to watch Snowpiercer, though. I want to see it even MORE now. So, thanks! : )
LikeLiked by 1 person
I stopped reading after “the enormously testicled Brian.”
I kinda liked the movie but that’s because I’m Canadian.
LikeLiked by 3 people
What a Greek!!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
HELLO!
Yeah this movie’s situation is like a typical Tuesday up there.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Awwww baby polar bear!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKSHHHLLLHMNMMMEEE! (me making cute animal noises)
Great Shitfest entry as well 🙂 nice effort on the Haiku. Loved the Benny Hill accent bit 🙂
I’m kind of confused but that’s nothing new.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Don’t be confused, Clam! Do we need to set up a conference call to hash this out??
Love Pen
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’ll be honest, Pen – I’m still not totally sure about yours and Tim’s review the other day either!
But I DID look up Marauders on IMDB lol
We do! I need answers and I need them now!
“I’m wired in”
LikeLiked by 1 person
Sounds like we need to get together…..!
Please tell me you did NOT try and find that to watch….
Love Pen
LikeLiked by 1 person
Nooo way! It looks awful haha. I just wanted to know more!
I like reading the IMDB message boards for tit-bits of information. If I know I won’t watch something it’s kinda fun reading about it?!
Love Clam 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
OK GOOD!
#soliddecisionmaking
Love Pen
LikeLiked by 1 person
Just that picture of the bloke with the hair was enough to literally know – with no irony or joking around – that the film was terrible!
LikeLiked by 1 person
HAHAHAHA!! YES!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It’s true though isn’t it!! It’s enough!!!!!!! Hahahahahaha!
LikeLiked by 1 person
It is! That wasn’t the picture that was on the Netflix web when I ordered it.
(It was some guy having sex with a woman from behind)
#shame
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. I am also incredibly confused.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hahaha. Nice spotting with all of these plot holes.
LikeLiked by 2 people
HA HA! I thought you wrote butt holes.
LikeLiked by 1 person
*facepalms
LikeLiked by 1 person
This could have gone on at least 72 times as long.
LikeLiked by 2 people
When the review for a film has more artistry and depth than the actual film, it says a lot really. I’ve not even seen it, but it sounds like smelly gash rash.
Our Dylan would be proud…
LikeLiked by 2 people
Are you ready for Sunday, Scoot?
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m counting down the hours, my friend!
LikeLiked by 1 person
On your pocket watch???
LikeLiked by 1 person
Of course, and matching monocle!
LikeLiked by 1 person
FUCKING PERFECT!
LikeLiked by 1 person
True Brit!
#PipPip
LikeLiked by 1 person
HAHA!!!
#oldcock
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. If there’s one thing I’m famous for, it’s artistry, depth, and math.
LikeLiked by 2 people
You make some great points here but you’re a dick and i don’t like you
LikeLiked by 2 people
LIKE!
LikeLike
FUCK YOU!!!! Nas tay bitch!
LikeLiked by 1 person
FUCK YOU!!! Let me squeeze your titties!!!!
LikeLike
FUCK YOU!!!! I hope your clit falls off!
LikeLiked by 1 person
FUCK YOU!!! Take off your panties you dummy dum dum!!
LikeLike
Thank you, Mike, I appreciate that, a lot of thought went into this. Oh, and GO FUCK YOURSELF!
LikeLiked by 1 person
LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LikeLike
HAHAHA
LikeLiked by 1 person
LIKE!!!!!!!!
LikeLike
Reblogged this on Hard Ticket to Home Video and commented:
Snowpiercer, a horribly stupid movie reviewed in the beauty of haiku.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thanks! You’re all aces, kid!
LikeLike
Now you can go ahead and delete your site.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You got it, pal!!
LikeLike
“Babies taste the best” – one of the most ridiculous lines in film history. Captain America sells it though.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I always liked – “Let’s have a little taste of that thigh.” – from THE IPC MEETS V. ROWS BACK (2014) was the best line…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Ah, yes.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I wish I would have edited that ‘meets’ before I hit send…. : (
LikeLiked by 1 person
Why would baby flesh taste any different than adult flesh? But I guess people like veal…
LikeLiked by 1 person
That was awesome, I liked this movie, but reading your review was hilarious. And yes I could see the stupidity of some of these scenes. Tilda should have her own horror series, those teeth. Good God!
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you. Which scene wasn’t stupid?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pretty controversial Shitfest pick there, but one cannot deny that this post is a complete work of art. Bravo Brian!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Thank you. I’ve been contacted by the Guggenheim. They told me to stop trying to sell loose cigarettes in their lobby.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Love this review Brian.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Thank you, it’s the culmination of my life’s work.
LikeLiked by 2 people
I can definitely see that.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I haven’t seen Snowpiercer, so I’m not sure exactly what’s going on here…but UGH that baby polar bear gif!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
You won’t know what’s going on here even after you see it.
LikeLiked by 2 people
Much like my reaction to your blog, really. 😉
LikeLiked by 2 people
LIKE!!!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’VE HAD IT!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Is that why you never read it?
LikeLiked by 2 people
LIKE!!
LikeLike
Yes. Also because it smells funny.
LikeLiked by 1 person
LIKE!!!!!!!!!
LikeLiked by 1 person
wow. nice and shitty Brian!
LikeLiked by 2 people
I’ll try harder next time.
LikeLiked by 1 person
You better, you cocksucker!
LikeLike
Hahahaha!!! I loved this movie for is visual goodies and comments on society, but this review cracked me the fuck up!!! Bahaha!!!! Nice
LikeLiked by 1 person
Mission Accomplished then!!
Thanks for reading and the comment!
LikeLiked by 1 person
How does one contribute? This looks all likes like a helluva lotta fun!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Im on my commute home but ill get back to you in a bit
LikeLiked by 1 person
cool mate, no worries 🙂
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hey! Unfortunately, we’re wrapping this one up on Friday. Since this a contest comprised of entries written by people other than me, I always ask if you want to run another one, so, if there’s enough interest in doing another one, we’ll look at summer and you’re more than welcome!
LikeLiked by 1 person
Cool, I’ve just come across the concept of ‘blogathons’ and I like it, some fun stuff to write about. Great site here mate, I shall return 😀
LikeLiked by 1 person
Haha! I love this. I wanted to like this movie but it was pretty awful. Who even thinks of these ideas? And then who agrees? And then how does it get made?
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi there! I love that you gave me a follow and a comment!
This contest was pretty fun and this was a great entry : )
LikeLiked by 1 person
Pingback: Snow-Piercer: The Review | Oracle of Film