Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015: SNOWPIERCER (2013)

cropped-shitfest-trees-white-creepy.jpg

THIS ENORMOUS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE ENORMOUSLY TESTICLED BRIAN FROM:

HTTHV

snowppost

Snowpiercer: A Haiku-powered Journey

“Train Kept A-Rollin”

Train runs ‘round the world

Every piece of track intact

No need for upkeep

Train Kept A-Rollin

“Around the World”

What’s the point of the

train going around the world?

Small circle instead?

Around the World

“Caste System”

Rich front, poor back, but

why are there poor on the train

in the first place, huh?

Caste System

“The Arm”

Cold enough to freeze

this guy’s arm off, but later

we’ll just walk outside

The Arm

“Accents”

This kid lived his whole

life on the train, but speaks like

Benny Hill? Nonsense

Accents

“The Revolution Begins”

Puts gun to forehead

Click. Not loaded. But he could

have aimed it elsewhere

The Revolution Begins

“Roach Bars”

We’re eating roaches!

We find that gross! Even though

we ate human flesh

Roach Bars

“Packing on the Pounds”

If we only eat

roach bars, then why is that one

woman heavyset?

Packing on the Pounds

“Meat Locker”

Frozen sides of beef

Lots of them. But hang on, where

are the fucking cows?

Meat Locker

“Tilda Swinton”

Tilda Swinton. No.

She stalks me in my nightmares

I will never wake

Tilda Swinton

“The Battle”

Big fight. Knives. Axes.

Maybe now would be a good

time for those bullets

The Battle

“School Car”

Time to learn about

the train, which could be learned in

a week. No high school

School Car

“Sushi Break”

Let’s have some sushi

We’re not in a hurry or

anything. Jesus…

Sushi Break

“Pool Car”

Let’s go for a swim!

One foot deep. One train bump and

the water spills out

Pool Car

“Opium Den”

So this train is just

hobos, junkies, and psychos

Real utopian

Opium Den

“Time Out”

Again, why not just

fill this train with people they

wanted to be there?

Time Out

“Blown Away”

I will blow the door

But I have no plan to hide

behind anything

Blown Away

“Blown Away II”

Maybe instead of

exploding we force the guy

to just stop the train?

Blown Away II

“Blown Away III”

Or, instead of the

door, you could have just blown out

a window earlier

Blown Away III

“Fighting Everyone”

Shot in the gut? Eh.

Namgoong still fights everyone

They’ll slip in his blood!

Fighting Everyone

“Child Labor”

This kid has to grease

the gears, because we forgot

to bring some spare parts

Child Labor

“Polar Bear”

Boy, girl, in the cold

No shelter, no food, now this

bear will just eat them

Polar Bear

“Polar Bear Cub”

Wait, if everything was frozen

what did these bears eat? Where did

they live? Makes no sense

Polar Bear Cub

“Overall”

This film was pretty

but completely ludicrous

even for sci-fi

Overall

120 comments

  1. Okay – I’m assuming this is full of spoilers? Because I still really want to see this even if Brian thinks it’s shit & I agree with him 87.69% of the time. But I think he may have done something to Harrison Ford’s plane just so he can’t make Blade Runner 2…. ; )

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Awwww baby polar bear!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKSHHHLLLHMNMMMEEE! (me making cute animal noises)

    Great Shitfest entry as well 🙂 nice effort on the Haiku. Loved the Benny Hill accent bit 🙂

    I’m kind of confused but that’s nothing new.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Pingback: Snow-Piercer: The Review | Oracle of Film

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