THIS ENORMOUS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE ENORMOUSLY TESTICLED BRIAN FROM:
Snowpiercer: A Haiku-powered Journey
“Train Kept A-Rollin”
Train runs ‘round the world
Every piece of track intact
No need for upkeep
“Around the World”
What’s the point of the
train going around the world?
Small circle instead?
“Caste System”
Rich front, poor back, but
why are there poor on the train
in the first place, huh?
“The Arm”
Cold enough to freeze
this guy’s arm off, but later
we’ll just walk outside
“Accents”
This kid lived his whole
life on the train, but speaks like
Benny Hill? Nonsense
“The Revolution Begins”
Puts gun to forehead
Click. Not loaded. But he could
have aimed it elsewhere
“Roach Bars”
We’re eating roaches!
We find that gross! Even though
we ate human flesh
“Packing on the Pounds”
If we only eat
roach bars, then why is that one
woman heavyset?
“Meat Locker”
Frozen sides of beef
Lots of them. But hang on, where
are the fucking cows?
“Tilda Swinton”
Tilda Swinton. No.
She stalks me in my nightmares
I will never wake
“The Battle”
Big fight. Knives. Axes.
Maybe now would be a good
time for those bullets
“School Car”
Time to learn about
the train, which could be learned in
a week. No high school
“Sushi Break”
Let’s have some sushi
We’re not in a hurry or
anything. Jesus…
“Pool Car”
Let’s go for a swim!
One foot deep. One train bump and
the water spills out
“Opium Den”
So this train is just
hobos, junkies, and psychos
Real utopian
“Time Out”
Again, why not just
fill this train with people they
wanted to be there?
“Blown Away”
I will blow the door
But I have no plan to hide
behind anything
“Blown Away II”
Maybe instead of
exploding we force the guy
to just stop the train?
“Blown Away III”
Or, instead of the
door, you could have just blown out
a window earlier
“Fighting Everyone”
Shot in the gut? Eh.
Namgoong still fights everyone
They’ll slip in his blood!
“Child Labor”
This kid has to grease
the gears, because we forgot
to bring some spare parts
“Polar Bear”
Boy, girl, in the cold
No shelter, no food, now this
bear will just eat them
“Polar Bear Cub”
Wait, if everything was frozen
what did these bears eat? Where did
they live? Makes no sense
“Overall”
This film was pretty
but completely ludicrous
even for sci-fi
Isaacs Picture Conclusions 
Good stuff Brian. I thought I was the only one who didn’t rate Snowpiercer.
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Thanks, Mark. Yeah it’s a decent concept and setting but there was just too much complete nonsense. I know it’s sci-fi but things have to make sense on some level to make it immersive and interesting.
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I thought that when I came out here and said I didn’t like this movie too much, everyone yelled at me……?
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You gave it Three+ Top Hats.
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I know – I remember – I still think I got yelled at….
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SHUT UP!!
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FUCK YOU!!!!! Now take off your panties and get on your back!!!
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FUCK YOU!!!!
…
ok…
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It’s about fucking time. I’ve only been waiting 2 years….
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I’m finally ready to commit.
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Unlock that chastity belt!!!
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A dragon is guarding it. You have to go on a perilous quest to find it.
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I’m ready….
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The dragon’s lair is in Greece.
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FUCK THAT SHIT. Stay a virgin.
Did you notice the poster I picked out for this post?
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OOH-LA-LA! Tres jolie!
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What a Frenchman….
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Me as well. I don’t understand the love for this movie. It is mostly just boring
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It took me two tries to get through it, which is 4 less than Blade Runner, at least.
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Two dongs??
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“You brought two dongs too many…”
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Natasha once told me that “There’s no such thing as too much ding”…
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I’ll take her word for it.
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Your cow question just ruined this movie for me. Thanks.
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Happy to help! 🙂
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Kidney!!
Had you seen it before???
Pappy
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Pappy!
I did and thought it was nicely done…
Kidney
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True poetry! My heart never knew beauty until the ridicule of this movie. Once again, Shitfest provides.
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Thanks! I’ll be appearing at a local coffee house tonight, with special guest Ed Harris.
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I am there!
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Shitfest is here: FOR YOU!
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LOL great work here Brian! VERY appropriate gifs throughout, excellent!
I must say that even though it was flawed. I had a good time with Snowpiercer.
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Thank you. Eric was not happy about the amount of gifs he had to upload. I think he’s going to sue me.
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Did HE take credit for that?! 😉
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No I mean the time it took him to upload. I submitted this in November and he just finished uploading it yesterday.
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xD Naturally, naturally! Did you expect anything less?
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*closes book*
*notices comment*
*removes glasses*
Ahem. Let’s discuss this. In private. We don’t need our dirty laundry defacing the public.
Love,
SSC
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*looks around awkwardly*
Alright then…
Love,
JJB
#TheCrowFlies
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Dearest Posting IJB,
We’ll hash this out properly!
Love,
SSC
#thebox
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Kindest Chop,
I think it must be done!
Love,
JJB
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Beloved SBJB,
YES!!
Love,
NSSC
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Okay – I’m assuming this is full of spoilers? Because I still really want to see this even if Brian thinks it’s shit & I agree with him 87.69% of the time. But I think he may have done something to Harrison Ford’s plane just so he can’t make Blade Runner 2…. ; )
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SPOILER: IT’S FULL OF POO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#poop
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Yes it it, but you’d save yourself a lot of time and aggravation.
I’m actually highly anticipating how Blade Runner 2 will turn out. If Harrison Ford gave the most boring performance in the history of cinema in the original, I can’t even fathom how he’ll be 35+ years later.
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Lol. Leave Harrison Ford alone! 😉 I’m still totally going to watch Snowpiercer, though. I want to see it even MORE now. So, thanks! : )
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I stopped reading after “the enormously testicled Brian.”
I kinda liked the movie but that’s because I’m Canadian.
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What a Greek!!!!!
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HELLO!
Yeah this movie’s situation is like a typical Tuesday up there.
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Awwww baby polar bear!!!!!! EEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKSHHHLLLHMNMMMEEE! (me making cute animal noises)
Great Shitfest entry as well 🙂 nice effort on the Haiku. Loved the Benny Hill accent bit 🙂
I’m kind of confused but that’s nothing new.
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Don’t be confused, Clam! Do we need to set up a conference call to hash this out??
Love Pen
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I’ll be honest, Pen – I’m still not totally sure about yours and Tim’s review the other day either!
But I DID look up Marauders on IMDB lol
We do! I need answers and I need them now!
“I’m wired in”
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Sounds like we need to get together…..!
Please tell me you did NOT try and find that to watch….
Love Pen
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Nooo way! It looks awful haha. I just wanted to know more!
I like reading the IMDB message boards for tit-bits of information. If I know I won’t watch something it’s kinda fun reading about it?!
Love Clam 🙂
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OK GOOD!
#soliddecisionmaking
Love Pen
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Just that picture of the bloke with the hair was enough to literally know – with no irony or joking around – that the film was terrible!
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HAHAHAHA!! YES!
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It’s true though isn’t it!! It’s enough!!!!!!! Hahahahahaha!
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It is! That wasn’t the picture that was on the Netflix web when I ordered it.
(It was some guy having sex with a woman from behind)
#shame
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Thank you. I am also incredibly confused.
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Hahaha. Nice spotting with all of these plot holes.
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HA HA! I thought you wrote butt holes.
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*facepalms
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This could have gone on at least 72 times as long.
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When the review for a film has more artistry and depth than the actual film, it says a lot really. I’ve not even seen it, but it sounds like smelly gash rash.
Our Dylan would be proud…
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Are you ready for Sunday, Scoot?
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I’m counting down the hours, my friend!
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On your pocket watch???
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Of course, and matching monocle!
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FUCKING PERFECT!
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True Brit!
#PipPip
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HAHA!!!
#oldcock
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Thank you. If there’s one thing I’m famous for, it’s artistry, depth, and math.
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You make some great points here but you’re a dick and i don’t like you
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LIKE!
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FUCK YOU!!!! Nas tay bitch!
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FUCK YOU!!! Let me squeeze your titties!!!!
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FUCK YOU!!!! I hope your clit falls off!
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FUCK YOU!!! Take off your panties you dummy dum dum!!
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Thank you, Mike, I appreciate that, a lot of thought went into this. Oh, and GO FUCK YOURSELF!
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LIKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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HAHAHA
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LIKE!!!!!!!!
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Reblogged this on Hard Ticket to Home Video and commented:
Snowpiercer, a horribly stupid movie reviewed in the beauty of haiku.
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Thanks! You’re all aces, kid!
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Now you can go ahead and delete your site.
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You got it, pal!!
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“Babies taste the best” – one of the most ridiculous lines in film history. Captain America sells it though.
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I always liked – “Let’s have a little taste of that thigh.” – from THE IPC MEETS V. ROWS BACK (2014) was the best line…
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Ah, yes.
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I wish I would have edited that ‘meets’ before I hit send…. : (
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Why would baby flesh taste any different than adult flesh? But I guess people like veal…
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That was awesome, I liked this movie, but reading your review was hilarious. And yes I could see the stupidity of some of these scenes. Tilda should have her own horror series, those teeth. Good God!
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Thank you. Which scene wasn’t stupid?
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Pretty controversial Shitfest pick there, but one cannot deny that this post is a complete work of art. Bravo Brian!
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Thank you. I’ve been contacted by the Guggenheim. They told me to stop trying to sell loose cigarettes in their lobby.
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Love this review Brian.
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Thank you, it’s the culmination of my life’s work.
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I can definitely see that.
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I haven’t seen Snowpiercer, so I’m not sure exactly what’s going on here…but UGH that baby polar bear gif!!!
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You won’t know what’s going on here even after you see it.
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Much like my reaction to your blog, really. 😉
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LIKE!!!!!!
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I’VE HAD IT!
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Is that why you never read it?
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LIKE!!
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Yes. Also because it smells funny.
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LIKE!!!!!!!!!
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wow. nice and shitty Brian!
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I’ll try harder next time.
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You better, you cocksucker!
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Hahahaha!!! I loved this movie for is visual goodies and comments on society, but this review cracked me the fuck up!!! Bahaha!!!! Nice
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Mission Accomplished then!!
Thanks for reading and the comment!
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How does one contribute? This looks all likes like a helluva lotta fun!
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Im on my commute home but ill get back to you in a bit
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cool mate, no worries 🙂
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Hey! Unfortunately, we’re wrapping this one up on Friday. Since this a contest comprised of entries written by people other than me, I always ask if you want to run another one, so, if there’s enough interest in doing another one, we’ll look at summer and you’re more than welcome!
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Cool, I’ve just come across the concept of ‘blogathons’ and I like it, some fun stuff to write about. Great site here mate, I shall return 😀
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Haha! I love this. I wanted to like this movie but it was pretty awful. Who even thinks of these ideas? And then who agrees? And then how does it get made?
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Hi there! I love that you gave me a follow and a comment!
This contest was pretty fun and this was a great entry : )
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