THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY THE VOLUPTUOUS:
Shitfest 2015 – The Expendables
Once upon a time, a young man named Sylvester Stallone had dreams of becoming a film star. It was a good dream and over the years he made that dream come true. But as he was getting older, he realized that he had so much more to give. After all, he had had a long and storied career, one that any up and coming actor or actress could be envious of…
…but it was not enough. What more could he do? What could he gift to humanity that would last through the ages? What film could he make that would forever cement his legacy among the greats like Bogart, Cagney, Monroe and more? Then it came to him. Where were all the great action movies? Who was filling the needs of the testosterone-fueled hordes? It had been a while since he had seen a real action movie on the big screen, one with guns, big guns, and men of girth and great muscular proportion. Big, oily, sweaty men.
Where were the heroes that inspired millions?
He had no idea, but he aimed to find out and then he aimed to make a movie with all of them. If he could do that it would be the greatest movie ever made.
And so… he did. Sort of. He could only get a few, so he figured why not get some of today’s action stars to beef up the cast? That could work.
And then pad it out with whoever was available.
So, the movie got made and all of his dreams, old and new, had finally become a reality. Except…
It was true. The movie sucked so hard it drained ten herds of cattle dry of all their milk. Rivers evaporated, the polar icecaps started melting yet somehow, it made money. It was the ‘promise.’ It had the ‘Transformers’ factor. It was a film that everyone wanted to see because there was no way that it could be bad, yet somehow inextricably was.
So now what, Stallone thought? Hmmmmm…. That’s it! He had it! Make another! There is no way it could be as bad!
And then… another!
What could go wrong? It worked for Michael Bay, it could work for him.
The End.
– A fairy-tale from The Telltale Mind.
(From the Editor – do you ever look at tags? Wonder what all of these random tags are about? If you’re curious, click HERE – my and my old buddy Mister Jizzbutt did something funny once : ) )
Please write a Stallone biography. That would be incredible.
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I’d pay good money for that….
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I’d buy that for a dollar!
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I’d like to put my balls in it!!
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I started watching this the other night and it is fucking horrendous. I love good action movies and this will never classify
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Kidney!!
I thought the first two were decent, mindless fun but that’s just me…. I hope you had a good weekend!
Pappy!
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Truer words were never spoken Natasha!
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I haven’t watched these movies, none of them. I just don’t know if I can do it. It has never, ever appealed to me! Great work here!
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Warmest and Fairest ISB,
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh – I don’t hate them….. they’re better than some of the things I’ve put my eyes on…..
#hellraiser8
Love,
FSC
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Kindest PSC,
… that I do now doubt for a second… you watch some crazy shit!
Love,
JJB
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Fairest SBJJB,
So you don’t have to!!!
Love,
NSSC
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I would watch Hellraiser 8 over this film any day.
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Hellraiser 8 was some STANKY shit……
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True, but I got past the smell. This film stayed in my nose and on my clothes for days.
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HAHAH!! Worse than fox urine!!
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I don’t even want to know how you know all about fox urine. lol
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HAHAHAHAHA – my dad use to be an avid hunter…..
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Great post, some of the photos of the cast in past years cracked me up so much.
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Isn’t this fantastic?
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Yeah, some of those photos are cringe but way too funny.
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I tried to find photos that really did the cast justice. I think I achieved that.
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You certainly did achieve that.
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Amen!!
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Jason Statham on the diving board!!!!!!
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I know, he looks so different with hair. haha.
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Bruce Willis loves himself a bit too!
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I wept tears of jizz reading this magical story of a pornstar turned superstar!
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TEARS OF JIZZ???????????????????
#testicleeyes
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Third eye cry!
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#eyeballgonads !!!
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#penisnose
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HOW DID YOU KNOW????!?!?!?!!!
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It’s the best place for it!!!!!
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SNIFFING THE WANKER!!!!
Wait. What the fuck.
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It’s fun when you sneeze!
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“That’s not mucus!!!” Ejaculated Scoot.
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#HeSlimedMe
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#thesmell
#stank
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Remind me never to stand near you when you’re emotional.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
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I’m a hairy arsed man that never gets emotional!
#FuckBambi
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#kittensandpuppies !!!
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#littleballsofjoy
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HOW DID YOU KNOW????!??!?!?!?!
#littletestes
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I have spies.
#testespies
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Q: What do you never ever want on your front porch at night??
A: Vas Deferens
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Hahaha! WHAAAAAT!?
#SheriffOfWhatingham
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I have never been stoned and provided that answer in a drinking game.
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Of course you haven’t, old bean.
Professor Gonads with the sex chisel in the hall of cocks!
#MushroomCluedo
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Ah yes, the old Hall of Cocks! Pip Pip Kachoo!
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Good to know. So it must be a chemical thing then.
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It was that Dolph Lundgren pic to be honest!
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are we in shitfest already???
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Yes sir : ) this is the 6th week………..
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Missed that completely. I’ve been high a lot recently 🙂
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EXCELLENT! Perfect excuse!
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also i’ve been busy organising my own blogathon so am sort of swamped.
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I know the feeling, boss!
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and actually even if i’d wanted to do a shitfest, i would hve to struggle to think of a bad film i’ve watched; in the last two months i’ve been spoiled with an amazing array of great flicks
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heh heh – well – I could always suggest 1,000 of em : )
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closing date?
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Friday is the last day for this shitfest! We’re all booked and scheduled, sir. I’ll put out a question Friday to see if anyone wants to do a summer version : )
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Summer shitfest is gonna rock.
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If we do it, it sure the fuck will!
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Fuck Yeah, you’ve gotta do it.
#ShitfestRules
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I’ll put it up to the people! : )
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Wise choice, put it to the people.
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I can’t do it without YOUR (people’s) reviews : )
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True, what would you do without us loyal bloggers Eric?
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Well – we wouldn’t have Shitfest!! I love you people!
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And we all love you Eric.
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WOOOOO HOOOO!
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Satrap approves of this website.
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EXCELLENT!
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With the use of innuendo and x-rated content on this site, it more than satisfies the raunchy gyrating bastard, haha.
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LOL!
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Though saying that, it was good to get a good sleep and recharge my batteries last night.
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You’ve got a lot of grinding and gyrating to do this week!
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Probably, you wouldn’t believe how much hard work goes into it, haha.
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HEH HEH HEH
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It’s exhausting work, but someone’s gotta do it.
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bugger. oh well.
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Next time!
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I could literally do a shitfest review every week.
#VoteShitfestSummer
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Just perfect! It made my day, thanks.
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WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Thank you for reading and the comment!!
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Thanks! lol
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Reblogged this on The Telltale Mind and commented:
I decided to expand my little sphere of influence and to that effect, took part in this year’s Shitfest. Enjoy. 🙂
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THANK YOU, SIR!!!
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That was brilliant!!!! Loved the introductory paragraph haha though of course of all if it was very funny and the pictures were hilarious 🙂 🙂
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Clam!!!
Excellent! Happy fucking Monday!!
Love Pen
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Thanks Ems! I tried my very bestest to be worthy of this great festival.
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You did an amazing job!!!!!!!!!! 😀
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RHINESTONE RULES!!
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Are you smoking those left handed cigarettes again this morning?
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Just a little meth for a pick-me-up.
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Oh. Ok. Good deal!
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what a really shitty review! glad i stayed far away from all 3 of these movies
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Ha! Nice review. Can’t say I’ve watched any of these things. Or that I want to… : )
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HMMMMMMMMMMMMM
You Wanker!!
: )
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Not as shit as the sequels.
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Or – SHITFACE: The Movie.
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I slept through this whole film.
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Did you dream about me??????????
?????????!???????????
?????????
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Yes… you were entertaining Stallone in your basement… so much nudity…
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The Party at The IPC and Stud’s!!!
That movie reference might be a little too vague….
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What an original way to write a Shitfest post!!!! All three films sounds boring as HELL, and Mr. Stallone should friggin’ stop flexing old and wrinkly muscles already! Funny funny stuff :-))))
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Reut!!!
WHOOP!!!!!!
#smooch
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Hahahaha great stuff mate
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YES!
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I gotta get in on this next time around, I just hope I can compete with all you funny bastards!!
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I’m sure you’ll blow our fucking socks off!
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Hahaha I hope so. Some tough competition, this site is my new go-to site when I need a chuckle for a pick-me-up. Great creativity and just funny, funny shit that has me chuckling just talking about it now!!
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That’s the best comment ever!! THANK YOU!!
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Definitely, the next Shitfest is gonna be amazing.
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Hell yeah it will be amazing, I can’t wait to read all the entries, and hopefully be a part of the fun. And IPC, you’re welcome!! Just my honest thoughts mate, I only just found this site and its already funnier than any other site I can think of bar one.
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Thank you so fucking much!! We try and have a good time out here : )
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Hehe, I’ve only seen the first one, but I actually kinda liked it. Sure, it was one giant cliché, but really, that’s what it was supposed to be. Taken as what it was, I thought it was a fun, albeit brainless, popcorn flick.
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I kind of liked the first two but didn’t much care for the third. BUT – I didn’t finish the third and when I posted about it, I got yelled at endlessly because, apparently the third is good at the end….
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I have them both in my to-watch list, but honestly, they’ll probably stay there forever :-p
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Fair Enough!
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Is it true that Stallone starred in a poro? If it is, I never knew that. You learn something new every day at Shitfest.
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Yep – it’s called The Party at Kitty and Stud’s….
here’s a reference for you…
https://zuts.wordpress.com/2014/10/15/top-ten-dongs-i-never-need-to-see-again/
: )
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Quite revealing, well we’ve all got to start somewhere, eh?
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Put that dong to work!
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Hehe, well Satrap certainly took that advice.
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I wonder if that’s why one of his nicknames is ‘The Italian Stallion’.
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The movie was actually released where I live as “The Italian Stallion”….
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Interesting trivia Eric.
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THE IPC – solving problems since 1971.
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Hell yeah.
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So that’s where the nickname comes from, always wondered where it originated.
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Awesome post! Not exactly as empty as Expendables 2 is. Even if I know these movies are great, they do reap massive loads of nostalgia for 80s action. 😉
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I thought the first two were mindless fun…
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Yup! I enjoyed them relatively well. Mindless entertainment for sure! 🙂
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Yep! Decent stuff LOL!
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Horribleeeeee!!! And he looks gross now too!
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BALLER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#oldballs !!!
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LOL. This is amazing. I haven’t seen any of these, but I now feel I know everything I need to know. Also, that picture of Jason Statham with hair!!! Mind = blown.
#shitfestblowsmymind
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Jason Statham with hair, this can’t be. I was shocked when I first saw the photo, always thought he just had no hair for most of his life.
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It’s like seeing Vin Diesel with hair. Something not quite right about it…
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Exactly, it’s a no no for hair on Statham.
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#shitfestforever
#manboobs
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