THIS ENTRY SUBMITTED BY BRIAN’S BETTER HALF, BRAD OF:
Pazuzu: Greetings! What an excellent day for a review of Exorcist II: The Heretic, starring me, Pazuzu. After my first film classic directed by William Friedkin and co-starring Linda Blair, Ellen Burstyn and Jason Miller…
Father Merrin: Don’t forget about me demon!
Pazuzu: Yes of course, Swedish actor extraordinaire, Max von Sydow! Who is joining me in this delightful critique of the universally loathed sequel to our beloved horror classic.
Father Merrin: Thank you. Yes, I had a bit role in the sequel as you may know, reprising my role as Father Merrin in flashbacks in Africa and a pivotal scene showing my death to you, Pazuzu, in the original.
Pazuzu: I think you meant pitiful scene Max. Yes, following the success of the original Exorcist, Hollywood reared its ugly money-grubbing head and decided to further the adventures of Linda Blair’s character, Regan MacNeil as she struggles to overcome her demonic ordeal as well as her own inner demons…
Father Merrin: Let me intrreupt you there Paz…
Pazuzu: Your mother sucks cocks in Hell, von Sydow, you faithless slime! Sorry, excuse me, go right ahead.
Father Merrin: Thank you, What I was going to add was that technically, what you described as the synopsis is incorrect. It is, however, an infinitely better idea to have Regan overcome her ordeals again but also have her have to overcome her own inner demons. Exorcist II, fails in that endeavor very much in showing you Regan’s struggles. In the beginning she doesn’t even remember the possession and barely, if ever, shows signs that she’s struggling with adapting to everyday normal teenage life. In fact, she’s quite happy. It isn’t until Father Lamont, played by Richard Burton comes into her life that he “awakens” the possessed demon again inside Regan.
Pazuzu: You’re quite right Max. Regan was way too happy and normal for someone who literally masturbated with a crucifix until she bled and was involved with two dead priests.
Father Merrin: Nice work by the way.
Pazuzu: Um, thanks, And they ham-fistedly included the friend of the family, Sharon played again by Kitty Winn, to live with Regan in a posh penthouse apartment in Manhattan. I know her mother was a actress but that apartment was huge and had roof access! I’m not buying it. But this totally downplays the whole “lived through a terrible ordeal” scenario.
Father Merrin: Let’s get back to Father Lamont and his role in the film. Dick Burton is, like Father Karras from the original, a priest that is losing his strong Catholic faith, yet is sent on assignment to investigate the death of Father Merrin, who is somehow up for posthumous heresy charges for his controversial writings. When Lamont arrives in New York he meets Regan and her psychiatrist, Dr. Tuskin, who has created a machine called a “synchronizer” that can synch up minds and memories of two individuals. Lamont and Regan synch up and within this hypnotic dream state, Lamont learns that Pazuzu, as Regan in the original, literally grabbed Merrin’s heart and gave him the heart attack that killed him!
Pazuzu: Yeah, what the fuck! Talk about down-playing the drama from the classic. It was always implied that Merrin had a bad ticker anyway and that the exorcism’s struggle was too much for him and he died by a heart attack. He didn’t need me to literally choke the life out of him like Mola Ram in Temple of Doom! This scene sucked hairy donkey balls!
Father Merrin: Indeed, and to make matters worse for this synchronizer scene, Pazuzu (from the synch, mind you) guides Lamont into a past exorcism in Africa where Merrin first met Pazuzu in a young boy named Kokumo. This sets the uneven and unstable wheels in motion for the sub-plot of the film where Lamont finds this Kokomo and learns that he has “special healing powers” and was thus able to stave off Pazuzu as a boy.
Pazuzu: This makes me look like a comic book super-villain doesn’t it? I mean, sure I’m an ancient Assyrian demon but now there’s mere mortals who have super healing powers to fight off my powers? What the motherfucking fuck?! And through the exposition with the older Kokumo, played by James Earl Jones, Father Lamont learns that there exists a “good grasshopper!”
Father Merrin: Excuse me, Paz, you’re jumping around a little too much. We have yet to bring up the matter of the locusts.
Pazuzu: Fuck you Max! You motherfucking worthless cocksucker. I was just getting to that! Fuck! Now where was I? Oh yes. The locusts! Apparently, I also can take the form of a swarm of locusts too. Like Dracula can turn into a bat or vapor, I am a swarm of fucking locusts. Very scary right? One scene, the young Kokumo, actually swings some sort of tribal sling in the air in circles and attempts to ward me off somehow. This is important because in the finale, Regan swings her arms in a circle motion and wards me off. It was a very heart-pounding and riveting finale. But adult Kokumo, is now a scientist who studies locusts and how they can prevent crop-destructive swarms from happening and in the process finds that in every swarm there’s a “good grasshopper”—much like himself and Regan it’s implied.
Father Merrin: Is that why in one dream scene Lamont finds the adult Kokomo in a cave wearing a locust costume?
Pazuzu: Yup. ‘fraid so. It’s literally him, dressed as a huge locust. Here’s a photo of him:
Father Merrin: Dreadful. Completely asinine for a horror movie.
Pazuzu: So that’s pretty much the gist of the plot. Lamont & Regan venture back to the Georgetown house to battle Pazuzu and there, Pazuzu makes a Regan double or doppelgänger for Lamont to fight while the good Regan does basically nothing. Lamont actually rips out Pazuzu’s heart from the doppelgänger Regan while the good Regan does her arm swinging thing as the house literally crumbles to rumble around them. It’s fucking pathetic. You have to see it to believe how awful this is. The doppelgänger isn’t even in ugly make-up like Regan was in the original but just normal, beautiful Linda Blair. Speaking of…
Father Merrin: Um, that’s all the time we have for today…
Pazuzu: Fuck off Max! I’m not finished! Sure, Blair was around 16 or 17 when this film premiered but she is gorgeous. They also really tried hard to make her out to be very sensual and erotic walking around in white negligee on the windy rooftop and trying to seduce Lamont as the doppelgänger. So excuse most of the male audience for not thinking the inevitable. I’m sure they were possessed of more than what they hoped for when watching this film. The power of boners compels you!
Father Merrin: Well, lets change the subject now and focus on the what else works well in this stinking turd. How about the soundtrack? If you take away anything decent from this film it would have to be the score by the brilliant Ennio Morricone. A very great and atmospheric horror score. Very unique from not only the original but for most horror films of that era.
Pazuzu: Yeah that was fine but Blair’s pouty lips are to die for. Like jump out of a two story building onto high stone steps kind of death.
Father Merrin: Please! That’s enough about Blair!
Pazuzu: Alright! Alright! Don’t have a coronary Max. Sure, the score is great but that’s like finding a just 2 bucks in a huge pile of shit. Not worth even cleaning off. And then on the other hand the film has some of the most annoying sound effects in a horror film too. The weird screaming and ambient sounds are so grating to even my demonic ears. Maybe—MAYBE—if I were to give them the benefit of the doubt, that the sounds were awful on purpose because it’s a demonic horror movie but I’m not 100% sure about that. If the movie was competent in all the other aspects of filmmaking, then yeah, I would believe it but the sound effects and editing will probably drive you insane.
Father Merrin: What would you say about the visuals?
Pazuzu: Fuck them too! One just has to witness the awful flying locust special effect to know what they’re getting themselves into watching this. And most of the African scenes look so sound stagey that it takes away all credibility to this dreck! I mean, seriously, how does one go from the original horror classic with great visual effects, make-up and sound effects to this heap of petrified garbage? And then there’s dialogue like “Come. Fly the teeth of the wind. Share my wings.” and “Call me by my dream name. Call me!” Dream name?! I would never talk like that. I said some really harsh words and basically spoke blasphemy in the original but here I’m talking about dream names, brushing people with my wings. What is this horseshit? Can I just say one more thing about how stunningly beautiful Linda Blair is?
Father Merrin: NO! Let’s move on. This sequel surely took a nose-dive in quality across the board. It’s agonizing to watch. Even for a lark, it’s taxing. It’s dull and uninteresting. It lacks great visuals and fails completely to illicit any scares at all. Most film scholars and aficionados will cite the original Exorcist in their top-five best horror films of all time lists but this sequel is just beyond bad. Some say it’s the worst movie ever made. Would you agree Paz?
Pazuzu: Oh, abso-fucking-lutely Max. I credit anyone who can actually sit through the whole 2 hours without wanting to hang themselves. This movie is so despicable even I refuse to possess it. If it was shorter and wasn’t so boring it would make a great comedy actually. Like that scene when I possess the young Kokomo after he fails to ward me off with the swarm. Merlin comes quickly to my aid and turns me around and I immediately say in this awful monster voice, “I. Am. Pazuzu!” HAHAHAHAHA. I think we have a clip. It’s truly hysterical how they made me into a cartoon character.
Father Merrin: And would you like to tell us who made you into an absurd puppet?
Pazuzu: John Fucking Boorman! The Director of Deliverance, Excalibur and motherfucking ZARDOZ!! The guy goes from gritty survivor morality tale to visual stunning spectacle to Sean Connery wearing a red diaper and a giant floating head. Boorman is all over the map in terms of quality. Plus, he was approached to direct the original Exorcist but turned it down because the script repulsed him! Why the fuck would he sign on to do the sequel if he hated the first one? And why would the producers choose someone that hated the first one?! It boggles even this demonic mind!
Father Merrin: A complete misfire of a film for sure. They tried to continue the legacy of the brilliant original—a cinematic masterpiece—and attempted to further the adventures of Regan and expand the story of Father Merrin. It’s amazing that this film didn’t completely ruin the franchise since years later they made a second sequel which in most people’s opinions is an actually great film.
Pazuzu: Yeah and then they royally butt-fucked the franchise with the debacle that was the prequels. FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD AND YOUR WORTHLESS MOTHERFUCKING PREQUELS! It gets me so sick I want to spew pea soup all over the rich executive cunts’ faces.
Father Merrin: I completely 100% agree with you Paz. Sometimes I think that Hollywood needs a good exorcism these days. So in conclusion, take much heed in viewing John Boorman’s attempt to continue the Exorcist story. It’s not even a so-bad-it’s-good kind of film. It’s an exercise in futility in all honesty. Avoid it as much as you can. The power of Christ compels you to stay away from this abomination of a film.
Pazuzu: Oh! We forgot to mention the tap-dancing scenes!
Father Merrin: I cast you out! Unclean spirit!