Well, here we are and Shitfest is over, for the most part. LAMENT LAMENT LAMENT!!! CRY CRY CRY!!!! But, I suppose, we must put our chins up and press on. I’ve done these types of posts before but, I believe, I am going to try and do them regularly. I’m thinking about every Monday. I don’t know if you’ll like them or not but I kind of like writing them so, maybe they’ll help alleviate our Monday Blues and Hangover Poops. And press on we do (doo doo)!
PRESENTING: HALF ASS REVIEWS (Monday)
NON-STOP (2014)
Liam Neeson calmly texts his way through a movie about an airplane hijacking:
AGENT: Yo Nees, how’s it going at the shoot?
ME: LMFAO
AGENT: U gettin paid?
ME: LIKE A FUCKING BOSS
AGENT: Doin any work?
ME: LMFAO
ME: WANNA SEE A PIX OF MY COCK
ANONYMOUS: HI!! : P : P 🙂
ME: WHO THE FUCK IS THIS
ANONYMOUS: I BROUGHT U UR SMOKES THIS AM : p : p : – )
ME: BLOND? BIG TITS?
ANONYMOUS: YES!! : D : P : D : – )
ME: WANNA SEE A PIX OF MY COCK
DIRECTOR: R U GONNA DO ANYTHING IN MY FILM
ME: HOW ABOUT YOU FUCK OFF
DIRECTOR: ITS IN UR FUCKING CONTRACT TO ACT
ME: WANNA SEE A PIX OF MY COCK
LONE SURVIVOR (2013)
Marky Mark decides to reunite The Funky Bunch and do a USO tour, reigniting patriotism in America and furthering the War Propaganda. Being the celebrity that he is, he doesn’t read the fine print in the contract and, while performing a gyrating, hip thrusting rendition of “Good Vibrations” in Afghanistan, he rips his tear-a-way camo pants off and exposes his huge junk.
The village women have never seen a penis that size so they tear off their chadars and go wild, storming the stage. This upsets the men of the village so they take up arms and chase The Funky Bunch through the mountains of Afghanistan, eventually leaving the band with one choice: jump off a cliff or face the firing squad. Off they jump and the rest is history.
And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.
Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me
Great post Eric, can’t stop laughing, hehe. If you check out my post his morning, there is something similar to this.
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I’ll check it out very soon!
and – THANKS!!
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Especially in terms of a revealing photo, haha.
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Oh boy…………
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You could say that our posts today are the ‘battle of the junk’ haha.
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the battle of the bulge!
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Indeed, who will emerge victorious? This should go to some kind of vote, would be a right laugh.
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HAHAHAHA!!!
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I’m being serious, I reckon mine would win although its tough competition against Markey Mark.
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I didn’t do a lot of studying on either pic but I bet yours would too : )
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Thanks, we could always do a vote to determine it?
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It would make for an interesting post, My guy vs Markey Mark, hehe.
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HEH HEH – you should do it : )
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Don’t you think it would be better as a joint post between both of us?
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Well – I took time during Shitfest to rest and get my posts scheduled out for a bit, so it would be a little while before I could schedule that….
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Oh ok, just tell me when your schedule’s free and we’ll do it, sound alright Eric?
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Yep : )
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Will check my schedule as well and get back to you. Thanks for saying you’ll do it, I’m sure the results of this post will be interesting to say the least.
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You’ve got my e-mail, so feel free to contact me anytime about the post.
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Cool deal!
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Let the battle of bulge commence. hehe
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HEH HEH!
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Heh heh indeed.
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In the blue corner we have Markey Mark, in the red corner we have David Gandy, hehe.
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LOL!
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nicely done as always Eric!!
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Don’t you agree Rob? There is a similarity with this post and mine this morning.
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THANKS Rob!!!
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Pappy!
I love these! Marky Mark is purdy
High fives!
Kidney
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Kidney!!!!
THANKS!!!! I’m glad you enjoyed.
#ding
Right back atcha!!! #lowfives : )
Pappy!
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I think… we saw separate movies
lol
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HUH WHAT HUH WHO WHAT HUH????
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Dear Chop,
LOL, still haven’t seen either of these!
JJB
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Dearest IJB,
They’e actually both pretty good movies, I just couldn’t think of anything to write about them : )
SSC
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Kind Chop,
Well, maybe someday I will have time for it!
JJB
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Fair, SJB,
I would vote Non Stop first -it’s actually kinda good : )
SC
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Liam Neeson’s wig looks worse than yours.
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And, by “wig”, do you mean “cock”?
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Dongs seem to be very much the topic of discussion today, haha.
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What has this site become????
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Haha, that’s a really good question.
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Filth and dongs!
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Sounds like a porno title.
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I like it!
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The discussion of dongs is probably both of our faults for featuring men in boxers, we’re both guilty as charged.
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Merkin.
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Condom.
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NEVER
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BUTTHOLES.
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Nice! Mark Wahlberg is probably my ‘classic no.1 crush’ of all time 🙂
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Clam!!!!
SWEET!!!! Glad I could be of assistance!
Pen
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And the less said about the Liam Neeson action movie – the better!
Love Clam 🙂
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Clam!
Speaking of Liams – I watched an EXCELLENT movie over the weekend with Liam Hemsworth – it’s called Cut Bank and it was fantastic! I think you’d like it!!
Love Pen
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Ooooh sounds interesting!!! Thanks Pen I’ll check it out 🙂 🙂 hope you are well!
Love Clam
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Please do!
Love Pen
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Excellent my blogging sister, gotta say I have a bit of a man crush on him.
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He’s just amazing!!!!!!
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I bet I could rock those tighty whiteys just as well though.
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Well………….the only way to know for sure is if both pictures are next to each other? Say….in a post on WordPress?
🙂
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I don’t know about that, I’m a bit camera shy.
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How quaint! So are you recommending these titles or what?
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Pip Pip, old Sock!!
Actually – they’re both pretty good!
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I kind of find this hard to believe.
#isaypippip
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Have I ever lied to you????
After everything we’ve been through?????
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Good point! Charles & Eddie are more likely to lie to me!
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Yes. Those lying bastards.
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Dirty cunts!
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Fucking twats!!
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Child molesters!
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It’s been a while since I last heard the word quaint, but I’m glad to see you keeping the British end up Damian.
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We have to keep our ends up, Vinnie!
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Hell yes, a different kind of end may be up if you check out my posts today, hehe.
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If you know what I mean, hehe.
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nudge, nudge!
wink, wink!
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Haha, definitely head on over to my site and see what happens man.
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A lovely array of skirts!
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Thanks Damian, glad to be of service. There was also a ladies in suits post.
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Ah yes! I’ve kust found that. You’ve been busy!
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Ain’t no rest for the wicked, old sport.
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I’d love to see Grace Jones in a tank top!
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Interesting, in the future I could have a ladies in tank top post. By the way what did you think of my ladies in suits post?
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If Grace Jones is involved, It’ll be a dream come true!
Also Jessica Tandy in a jumpsuit!
It was the definition of sultry!
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I’ll see what I can do in the future. By the way on both posts, I had to put some handsome guys, just to balance it out for the female fans of my blog.
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I noticed… Good call!
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I’m all about giving my fans what they want, it was funny when Eric commented and referred to the guy as banana hammock, hehe.
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He bloody loves bulges!
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I gathered that from the photo of Markie Mark in his tighty whiteys.
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Straight from his personal collection!
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hehe, we were debating earlier which guy would win the battle of the bulge.
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He’s all about Burt Reynolds!
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How so, please enlighten me Damian?
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one sec
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Ha, Burt Reynolds rocking the porno tache and fur rug look.
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That’s Damian, bro!
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Ha, too funny.
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That’s like saying that photo of David Gandy is me.
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You said it, not me!
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I have been told I look a bit like David Gandy.
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He writes Brokeback Mountain fan fiction where Burt takes him to his tent that’s actually a love dungeon.
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Really, well we all need a hobby.
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Well the author of 50 Shades made money off fan fiction so you might be onto something there Damian.
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Legend has it that “Breakback Burt” was what got E L James into literature!
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I’m never gonna look at Burt Reynolds or camping tents the same way again.
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Try watching Deliverance in the same light!
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Duelling Banjos will never sound the same way again.
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Dueling cocks!
#cockfights
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#prettymouth !!!
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Those crazy Americans!
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Yep – never visit The States or you might get it in the butt!
#inthebutt
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#Yeehaw
#HowdyPartner
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#buttholes
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Damian you dirty rascal.
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#chesthair #pubes
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#StrokerAce
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#fuckyeah
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YOU KNOW IT!
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What has become of your site!?!?!?!?
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I KNOW………………?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!!
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It used to be a pleasant place that we could bring our children to!!!
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And then Shitfest attracted some riff raff….
#riffraff
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And now we hang around like a bad smell!
#pissysmell
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#ammonia
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#poopoo
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#catshit
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BTW I’m watching episode 5 of our side project
#nuns #goats #afros
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Sounds like a banned 70s porno!
I reckon for the big final episode we do a live tweet thing!
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That sounds great!
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Wooo!
#wooo
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tug, tug!!
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Sniff, sniff!
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did you just…. smell me…….?
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I’ve got a cold… honest, guv’nor!
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How did you find my posts jolly old chap?
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It’s top draw, old bean!
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Spiffing isn’t it?
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Indeedy do!
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Bloody marvelous.
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#BritishLies
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#AmericanLustDelusions
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Bobbies and Bowlers!
#bobbies
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Stetsons and poker and horses and gunslingin’
#cacti
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And the Adonis they call The Satrap of Sin was born.
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Romanesque and Fearless!
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Yeah and wearing nothing but his battle pride and glory.
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and hopefully a codpiece!
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Oh no, I do my battles au naturale.
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Hmm. I had zero interest in Lone Survivor but NOW I wanna see it! I saw Non-Stop last year. I think it’s one of only three movies I went to then didn’t review. It was just too fucking boring! Couldn’t be arsed. : )
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“Arsed” eh?
Arsed.
What an arsehole!! Bollocks and wee bobbies!
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This is brilliant Eric. It’s been a rough week so thank you for making me laugh.😄 this movie was really horrible! I like your texts much better!
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I’m always here to help!!!
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Lone Survivor, aka America, Fuck Yeah!
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Go team USA! : ) no one survives, except one person.
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Oh wow. That second one. I wish that was a real film!
#funkybunchsies
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Maybe I can make this happen for you one day….
#doubtfulsies
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Marky Mark!! HAHA!! It takes a genius to bring his nostalgic ass like that, Eric!! Kudos for yet another brilliant post, My friend. I would join in, but I can’t keep up with your awesome sense of humor There shall be only one IPC 🙂
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Reut!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I’m glad you appreciate the story and not just the giant sack!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH SWEET LADY!!!!!
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This comment had me in stitches. haha
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HAHAH!
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LOL! I always appreciate the story when it comes to Marky Mark. I mean, what the f***k was he on about anyways? I did hum “Good Vibrations” a few months ago, though… Please don’t judge. You are very very welcomed, Sweet man!! :-)))
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LOL – We never judge here at The IPC!!!
: ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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Great! I’m off humming some other crap songs now. #smooch
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Sorry!! For some reason, even though I haven’t heard it in forever, I’ve had a Rod Stewart song going through my head for three weeks….
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HAHAHA!!! Good one!! Which one was it? Or did you block it? I met him on an elevator once. That was pretty cool. All he had to say was “oh, that’s life” with a very very cool British accent.
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LOL! “Some Guys Have All the Luck”… haven’t heard that in years!
How exciting! Keith Carradine owes me five bucks!!!
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What? 5 bucks, Really?
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Yep! back when I lived in California I worked for a window shade installation company and we were called out to install some blinds at his house.
He came through the kitchen and looked through his wallet and asked if anyone had change for a fifty because he just wanted to get a coke at 7-11. I gave him five bucks and he said he’d come back with change and never did!!!!
Sorry bastard!!!
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A classic, Eric. Trully! You better get his fan mail and write the asshole!!! Or just give up the 5 bucks. Your choice.
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HAHAHA!!!! I’ve given up on that fiver….. although with 30 year interest we could be on to something!!
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Lol, Exactly!
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Something tells me he wasn’t talking about musical vibrations.
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or the pleasing sounds of a zither…
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What do you mean? Was that an innuendo?
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HAHA! Nope!
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Sorry Eric, thought you were talking about his junk again. It would fit with the title of the song though, Good Vibrations.
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Nope! Maybe Reut…..
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Lets leave the talk of his junk to her.
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and Mutant…
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I’m sure they’d have a field day, hehe.
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Dong Day.
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Sounds dirty.
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Very.
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It is the trade I deal in though, the dirtier the better.
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Filth and smut.
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High fives.
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Whoop!
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Haha! Probably not…
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I think it was vibrations of a dirtier nature.
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Haha, it’s a crap song either way… 😊
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LOLOLOLOLOL
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As much as I don’t mind Wahlberg I have to agree with you there.
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I like 70s music, personally….
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Are you the disco king Eric?
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More Allman Brothers and the like : )
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Oh you’re a rock fan then.
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Yep!
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Rock on mi hermano.
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Si, mi hermano!
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I must depart now, I need some sleep after this long day. Adios amigo.
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Adios!!! Buenos noches!!
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There’s Wahlberg and there’s Marky Mark. I don’t mind Wahlberg either.
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Yeah, they’re two sides of the same coin.
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HAHAHAHA!!!
#beefcake
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Hahaha!! #NoMoreGoodVibration #BeefCakeGetsOlder
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*to bring up his nostalgic ass
Forgot the “up”.
Forgive me, Dear Buddy!
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HAHAHAHAHA It’s even better without the “up”!!!
: )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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It’s not often I say this but this post has too much penis.
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
I would never have thought I’d hear this on my site….
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These pretty much sound exactly like I expected. Although Liam Neeson’s dirty texts did take me by surprise a bit…Anyway, nice work, Giantess! And thanks for that Marky Mark pic. Yowza. 😉
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You’re welcome, mamasita!
#junk
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