Once again, Steven Spielberg gets in the Director’s chair to weave an award winning saga about a certain era in the history of the world – this time he takes on the underground world of Germany’s Sex For Food Societies. According to Spielberg, M.U.N.I.C.H, or Men Undressed and Nude, Incorporating Culinary Housings, was formed by Adolf Hitler in 1935 to develop more powerful and strengthening recipes for sauerkraut and braunschweiger to feed to his troops as they marched through Europe. After eating these new forms of M.R.Es (Meals Ready to Eat), we are shown, his soldiers would be invincible up to and including rising from the dead if they were killed in combat, as well as never having to waste precious time on the battlefield by having to do things like take a shit.
Shortly after the Allies defeated the Axis in WW2, and Hitler’s death, the program was disbanded and the recipes burned in the Wiener Schnitzel deep fryers, covering up their formulas and secret ingredients for all of eternity. Spielberg goes on to showcase how, after everything had calmed down somewhat and the Berlin wall was erected, former members of the SS began to meet in secret, in underground basements and abandoned military kitchens to try and recreate these formulas, not wearing a stitch of clothing so as not to even let a minuscule piece of thread taint the concoctions. Further, as the cooks were always getting sweaty over the sauerkraut steamers and talking about taints, it was inevitable that they would have massive orgies shortly before dawn when they had to vacate the premises.
He then switches gears to the Swinging 70s were everyone was on birth control and anyone could screw who they wanted and no one had any money because they were all pot smoking, acid tripping hippies. Apparently, the generations of M.U.N.I.C.H descendants threw lavish Food Orgies outside the eyes of the German Chancellor where youths could flash a secret sign at a barred door and be let into what meager kitchens and dining rooms that were available. There, they would be fed all manners of sauerkraut and braunschwieger until their bellies were plump and full – with the only stipulation that they Sex the M.U.N.I.C.H.s until the M.U.N.I.C.H.s were god damn well satisfied. And NOTHING was off limits.
To end the longest Half Ass Review ever, Spielberg concludes that these Societies are still alive and thriving today, impregnating men and women all across Europe and Africa and warns that they….. MAY BE COMING TO YOUR HOME TOWN!!!!!!
THE LAST BOY SCOUT (1991)
Continuing with our food themed Half Ass Review post today, The Last Boy Scout finds the late Tony Scott directing Bruce Willis and one of the infinite Wayans brothers as recently graduated Webelos who infiltrate the headquarters of The Girl Scouts’ cookie making factory and steal off with thousands of boxes of Peanut Butter Patties ®. That’s a registered trademark so I hope I don’t get sued but back to the movie, where Wayans and Willis – hereby referred to as W W EZ BRITCHES – hole up inside a football stadium to see who can eat the most of those Delicious Delights.
For an hour and a half we watch them chewing and chewing, occasionally swapping wise-ass one liners until Wayans passes himself into a sugar coma. Undaunted, Willis continues to eat carton after carton after carton, making it very uncomfortable for the two football teams playing their game around him. As the movie closes, Willis, now 40 pounds heavier, shits all over the fifty yard line and leaves saying, “Dance a jig on that, Mother Fuckers!” End of movie.
In the Post Credits scene, Willis is shown using a world record FOUR rolls of toilet paper cleaning his enormous, bumpy, uncaring ass.
And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.
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