Isaacs Picture Conclusions

EVERLY (2014) THREE TOP HATS

everly1

I really wanted to like this movie – I wanted to like it a LOT and come out here and sing songs about it and pump you up for it and try and help make these guys some money because I like the guys who made this and the concept of busty and hot Salma Hayek running around half clothed, killing everyone seemed like this would be right up my alley. But I can’t, because I am all about honesty and I don’t want to steer anyone in the wrong direction, but I felt let down by this movie that takes place ENTIRELY in one apartment – another cool concept that actually worked somehow but I got really bored about thirty minutes in and – well… yeah. I’m going to spoil SOME of what happens in this movie, but not the ending, not that the ending is something that can be spoiled, it’s not some big twist or anything, I just need to talk about some of the elements in here to get my stupid point across.everly2

If you’re renting this to see Hayek’s tits based on the fact that she’s not wearing a shirt in the movie poster, you’re not going to get lucky. She prances around for a little bit in a shirt with no pants in the beginning of the movie but she clothes herself soon and that’s about it except for a mirror shot later on:everly3

If we can move away from that part of the thing, yes – she’s a total badass that can work a gun across a room, killing everyone with deadly accuracy. So – sounds good! OK!! GREAT!! AWESOME!! But – towards the end of the film we get a reveal that she’s been locked up in this apartment for FOUR YEARS doing nothing but The Sex for horny men over and over and over and over. How’d she learn these skills? Was she an assassin before she turned sex slave (against her will, mind you). Or did she just watch a lot of TV on that flat screen while she was getting boned constantly?everly5

Aside from that fact that somehow she’s amazing with firearms, this movie suffered from WAY TOO MANY “last second saves”. It was OK the first five times but it just kept happening and it was very eye-rolly. Hayek is about to get killed!! Some other hooker busts in and kills the hooker who was going to kill her! “That money’s mine, slut!!” Hooker 2 screams. Hayek is about to meet Death!! her mom busts in firing a machine gun!! Saved!! Hayek is facing The Knife!!! The ceiling collapses and a couch falls on her would be killer!! Over and over with this.everly6

Anyway, I sure wanted to like this more than I did, but I just didn’t.  Frown frown frown. For more information on this burning topic please see THIS DELICIOUS POST. Is your “topic” burning?? Please see THIS PRODUCT. Need to get your “topic” burning due to unlubricated thrusting?? Please see THIS PERSON.

119 comments

  3. Zoë

    Dear PSC,

    Ryan did say on his blog to keep your eyes peeled for this, and I suppose at some stage I might check it out, but not too motivated right now, and it won’t kill me if I miss it. Sorry you didn’t like it more!

    Love,

    JJB

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  5. The Telltale Mind

    I liked it and was not bored by it 30 minutes in. I enjoyed the whole picture and sure, it was full of plot holes and the unbelievable fact that she is as proficient at firing as large a multitude of guns that she does, but I put it behind me and just liked it for the mindless action film that it was. Nothing better than a beautiful woman killing a large amount of men and other women in bunch of different ways. Some really oddball characters in it too gave it a little extra fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  8. Damian Thomas

    Header question. If “THE IPC” is reflecting in the mirror, then why aren’t the letters the wrong way around? Or is it that the girl with the cracking wabs wrote it on the mirror? If so, why did she write it back to front with the letters the right way around. Is she mental? I’m confused, Eric.

    Angelic review by the way.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  12. returntothe80s

    Nice article! Oh wait, were there words on the page? I didn’t notice. Let me go back and check…
    Oh damn, I forgot that I was checking for words. Let’s try this again. I had never heard of this movie. It’s too bad it was a disappointment.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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