I really wanted to like this movie – I wanted to like it a LOT and come out here and sing songs about it and pump you up for it and try and help make these guys some money because I like the guys who made this and the concept of busty and hot Salma Hayek running around half clothed, killing everyone seemed like this would be right up my alley. But I can’t, because I am all about honesty and I don’t want to steer anyone in the wrong direction, but I felt let down by this movie that takes place ENTIRELY in one apartment – another cool concept that actually worked somehow but I got really bored about thirty minutes in and – well… yeah. I’m going to spoil SOME of what happens in this movie, but not the ending, not that the ending is something that can be spoiled, it’s not some big twist or anything, I just need to talk about some of the elements in here to get my stupid point across.
If you’re renting this to see Hayek’s tits based on the fact that she’s not wearing a shirt in the movie poster, you’re not going to get lucky. She prances around for a little bit in a shirt with no pants in the beginning of the movie but she clothes herself soon and that’s about it except for a mirror shot later on:
If we can move away from that part of the thing, yes – she’s a total badass that can work a gun across a room, killing everyone with deadly accuracy. So – sounds good! OK!! GREAT!! AWESOME!! But – towards the end of the film we get a reveal that she’s been locked up in this apartment for FOUR YEARS doing nothing but The Sex for horny men over and over and over and over. How’d she learn these skills? Was she an assassin before she turned sex slave (against her will, mind you). Or did she just watch a lot of TV on that flat screen while she was getting boned constantly?
Aside from that fact that somehow she’s amazing with firearms, this movie suffered from WAY TOO MANY “last second saves”. It was OK the first five times but it just kept happening and it was very eye-rolly. Hayek is about to get killed!! Some other hooker busts in and kills the hooker who was going to kill her! “That money’s mine, slut!!” Hooker 2 screams. Hayek is about to meet Death!! her mom busts in firing a machine gun!! Saved!! Hayek is facing The Knife!!! The ceiling collapses and a couch falls on her would be killer!! Over and over with this.
Anyway, I sure wanted to like this more than I did, but I just didn’t. Frown frown frown. For more information on this burning topic please see THIS DELICIOUS POST. Is your “topic” burning?? Please see THIS PRODUCT. Need to get your “topic” burning due to unlubricated thrusting?? Please see THIS PERSON.