I really wanted to like this movie – I wanted to like it a LOT and come out here and sing songs about it and pump you up for it and try and help make these guys some money because I like the guys who made this and the concept of busty and hot Salma Hayek running around half clothed, killing everyone seemed like this would be right up my alley. But I can’t, because I am all about honesty and I don’t want to steer anyone in the wrong direction, but I felt let down by this movie that takes place ENTIRELY in one apartment – another cool concept that actually worked somehow but I got really bored about thirty minutes in and – well… yeah. I’m going to spoil SOME of what happens in this movie, but not the ending, not that the ending is something that can be spoiled, it’s not some big twist or anything, I just need to talk about some of the elements in here to get my stupid point across.
If you’re renting this to see Hayek’s tits based on the fact that she’s not wearing a shirt in the movie poster, you’re not going to get lucky. She prances around for a little bit in a shirt with no pants in the beginning of the movie but she clothes herself soon and that’s about it except for a mirror shot later on:
If we can move away from that part of the thing, yes – she’s a total badass that can work a gun across a room, killing everyone with deadly accuracy. So – sounds good! OK!! GREAT!! AWESOME!! But – towards the end of the film we get a reveal that she’s been locked up in this apartment for FOUR YEARS doing nothing but The Sex for horny men over and over and over and over. How’d she learn these skills? Was she an assassin before she turned sex slave (against her will, mind you). Or did she just watch a lot of TV on that flat screen while she was getting boned constantly?
Aside from that fact that somehow she’s amazing with firearms, this movie suffered from WAY TOO MANY “last second saves”. It was OK the first five times but it just kept happening and it was very eye-rolly. Hayek is about to get killed!! Some other hooker busts in and kills the hooker who was going to kill her! “That money’s mine, slut!!” Hooker 2 screams. Hayek is about to meet Death!! her mom busts in firing a machine gun!! Saved!! Hayek is facing The Knife!!! The ceiling collapses and a couch falls on her would be killer!! Over and over with this.
Anyway, I sure wanted to like this more than I did, but I just didn’t. Frown frown frown. For more information on this burning topic please see THIS DELICIOUS POST. Is your “topic” burning?? Please see THIS PRODUCT. Need to get your “topic” burning due to unlubricated thrusting?? Please see THIS PERSON.
Oh man!! I was hoping that ‘Everly’ was at least somewhat descent. It comes out in Australia next month, might have to lower my expectations!
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It’s definitely “decent” but that’s about it : ) Good luck!!
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Salma Hayek has to be one of the sexiest women to grace the planet.
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I can’t argue with that……
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She’s a smoking hot lady.
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YEP!
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Glad you agree Eric, it appears we share the same taste in women.
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WHOOP!
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Glad you approve man, we’re blogging brothers after all.
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YESSIR!
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Eric and Satrap, the bad ass blogging guys with x-rated minds and dirty sense of humour, haha.
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Perfect!
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I think Damian and Mark could fit into this brotherhood very well. Don’t you think?
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YEP!
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The brotherhood of movie watching and chatting dirty.
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Excellent!
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Us blogging brothers gotta stick together.
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You got that right
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Where are the other two? Haven’t heard from them today.
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I haven’t heard from either of them and Damian hasn’t been here in a week or so….
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We should inform them of the brotherhood, hehe.
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heh heh
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After all, we’re the brethren of bad ass bloggers.
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Just out of curiosity Eric, are you gonna do another Drunk Movie Quiz?
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Well – that’s kind of a long story – the answer to that is maybe….
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Completely understand Eric, us bloggers need to conserve our energy.
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LOL – it’s more of a personal thing : )
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Oh, hope I didn’t offend you Eric.
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Nope! No offense taken!
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That’s good, the last thing I’d want to do is offend a blogging brother.
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Someone (me) got too drunk and was acting like a fussy baby during the last time we tried to record one so future installments have been put on hold for the time being….
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Message received loud and clear, Satrap understands exactly what you mean.
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Not a good memory for me….
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Sorry to hear that. On a happier note, your blog is booming with excellent posts daily and you’ve got all of us great people commenting.
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And I love you all for it!
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Thanks Eric, always appreciated. *air hug*
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*fist bump*
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*Fist bump* right back to you brother.
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That line in this post about unlubricated thrusting had me in stitches.
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HAHA!! Did you click it?
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Do you mean the link to Mark’s blog?
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Yep!!
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Yeah I checked it out. Pretty cool to do links in your posts man.
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I try and do them often : )
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Could you do a link to my blog? I’d appreciate it. Not that I’m trying to shamelessly plug my blog or anything, haha.
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LOL – I sure will – I’ll just have to find the right context : )
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And what would you deem to be the right context to my blog Eric? hehe.
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Dear PSC,
Ryan did say on his blog to keep your eyes peeled for this, and I suppose at some stage I might check it out, but not too motivated right now, and it won’t kill me if I miss it. Sorry you didn’t like it more!
Love,
JJB
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Dearest IJB,
Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I guess it was better than a poke in the eye or a kick in the balls.
Love,
PSC
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Kind Chop,
LOL! I can believe that!
Love,
IJB
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Fair PJB,
LOL – but that’s about it!!!!!!
Love,
SSC
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Salma Hayek is like a fine wine: You can’t get enough of its amazing boobs.
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WINE??? Are you being French again?? Are you wearing a beret and an ascot today?
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MAIS OUI!
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FUCK YOU!!!! TAKE OFF YOUR PANTIES AND GET ON YOUR BACK!!!!
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FUCK YOU!!!! I’LL STAB YOUR DICK THROUGH YOUR FEET!!!
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Well, that’s just rude.
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I liked it and was not bored by it 30 minutes in. I enjoyed the whole picture and sure, it was full of plot holes and the unbelievable fact that she is as proficient at firing as large a multitude of guns that she does, but I put it behind me and just liked it for the mindless action film that it was. Nothing better than a beautiful woman killing a large amount of men and other women in bunch of different ways. Some really oddball characters in it too gave it a little extra fun.
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Fair enough!!! All of the constant last second saves did this one in for me…. I thought it was definitely well made!
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I’m actually surprised you didn’t enjoy this one more. I’m a sucker for overly violent movies like this, though, so it was an easy sell for me.
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I actually am too – I usually overly like everything and for some reason this one didn’t do it for me…. I really don’t know why…
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It happens man!
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I just rented Spring – I have high hopes!
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Excellent movie, really can’t go wrong with that one.
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Great! I’m looking to watch it tomorrow then taking the day off to see It Follows in the theater : )
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Awesome! Now that It Follows got a wide release (after bailing on the VOD release this Friday) I can’t see it. Kind of blows.
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That’s bullshit. They better release it here like they said they were….
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I’m happy for the movie (it had the biggest limited run since Paranormal Craptivity), but now it just means I can’t see it because I live 3 hours from the nearest theater that will show it.
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That SUCKS!!
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Hmmmm, Salma Hayek…
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HMMMMMMMMMMMM HMMMMM HMMMMMM
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Header question. If “THE IPC” is reflecting in the mirror, then why aren’t the letters the wrong way around? Or is it that the girl with the cracking wabs wrote it on the mirror? If so, why did she write it back to front with the letters the right way around. Is she mental? I’m confused, Eric.
Angelic review by the way.
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BECAUSE I DIDN’T HAVE A REVERSE BACKWARD WRITING TOOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks for reading! Smooch!
#moonlightcanoeing
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What’s this moonlight canoeing all about?
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It’s from a post I did last week – about male cheerleaders “moonlight canoeing” – which actually stands for butthole sex
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Thanks for the revealing info Eric.
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Now you’re in!
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I feel honored, hehe.
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FAIR ENOUGH!!!
I’m always here. Reading. Haunting. Like a dead Vietnamese woman. Why did you shoot me? Why?
#moonlightcanoeing
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I may not spell this right but:
Ahn Yong!
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I don’t even know what it means so I guess the spelling doesn’t matter.
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It’s a deal from Arrested Development…… : (
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I hadn’t even thought of that Damian, I was too busy staring at Salma Hayek.
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I know, it was always at the back of my mind though. Now I can enjoy Salma in peace.
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Hands off Damian, she’s mine. Unless you want to share, hehe.
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You and your bloody threeways! Ha!
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Can’t beat a bit of variety Damian, haha.
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Rosie and her five sisters???
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Who’s Rosie? And who are her five sisters?
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Well – one day I was looking up British slang for something and I found “Rosie and her five sisters” which supposedly means the hand you use to beat off with….
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Well I never knew that Eric. I seem to learn something new everyday on this site. I feel embarrassed not knowing what that phrase meant, considering I’m supposed to be keeping the British end up.
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HAHAHA!!! The person I used it on didn’t know it either and she’s British…
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To be fair, there are so many slang terms for beating off, it can be hard to keep up with.
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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
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I only just realised how my comment before sounded really full of innuendo.
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Happy Wednesday night!
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Was that some innuendo Eric?
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YES!!
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I must sign off now Eric, need some sleep. Talk to you tomorrow, Adios amigo.
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Talk tomorrow!
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This sounds boring. But Hayek is super hot!
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Sounds about right!
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It seems like she doesn’t do movies anymore. A sex slave for 4 years, omg no poor girl. lol
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LOL!!! I know – but she’s so hot!!
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Agreed!!
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#hotstuffbabythisevening
#hotstuffbabytonight
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That’s a definite song to strip to Eric, Satrap is nodding his head in approval.
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HA HA HA!
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You know it’s true. If there’s any song that makes you wanna take your clothes off, it’s Hot Stuff.
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HAHAHAHAH!!! And Kung Fu Fighting!
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I can’t say I’ve ever stripped to that one. Pour Some Sugar on Me is my stripper tune.
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LOL
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You should see me in Satrap mode dancing to it, the ladies go wild.
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Well…at least Selma Hayek!!! Lol. Nice work, Strumpet!!!
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Thanks, Hooker!!!!
#XOXOXOXO
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Nice article! Oh wait, were there words on the page? I didn’t notice. Let me go back and check…
Oh damn, I forgot that I was checking for words. Let’s try this again. I had never heard of this movie. It’s too bad it was a disappointment.
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Ha! You should try it! Maybe you’ll like it!
Thanks for the comment!
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I’ll check it out if I’m able to see it for free on Amazon Prime or something. I mean Salma Hayek is in it, so it seems like it’s definitely worth checking out.
Personal fun fact: I share a birthday with Salma Hayek and Keanu Reeves. They’re both slightly older, but we share the same month and day.
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Excellent! I share my bday with Charles Schultz : )
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