Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE HAMILTONS (2006) TWO TOP HATS

HAMIL1

Well… here we are again Most Beloveds! On the day I am writing this, it’s a Saturday afternoon and we’ve been snowed in all day. The roads are undriveable and it’s really fucking cold as shit and we’ve been stuck inside all day. And for some reason I woke up at 6:45 on a Saturday morning. So far today, I’ve watched: an episode of Last Man Standing, an episode of Modern Family, an episode of The Greenbergs, The Grand Budapest Hotel (again), Let’s Kill Ward’s Wife and two eps of The Americans (S1). We’ve probably burned through 80 logs of wood in the fire place and MRS THE IPC is currently watching Big Hero Six. I needed a break from the couch so I am having a cocktail and trying to think of how to approach this dreadful movie that some people seem to like. I know we all have our own opinions and all of that but this is my place so I can say what I want but – this movie was pretty dreadful IMO and really had nothing that appealed to me whatsoever. Let’s see what we’ve got….

P.S. Before I forget – there’s one person who looks at this site occasionally that has refused to see Grand Budapest because he or she hates Wes Anderson. Well, Sir or Madame, for real, Budapest is hilarious and I’ve been out on Anderson since Bottle Rocket so – you should give it a shot. Not looking at it for that reason is about as rational as me not seeing Nightcrawler because It’s OCD can’t take JG’s hairdo.HAMIL2

Back to the movie – about two years ago this guy named Tyson ran a rather popular site called Head in a Vice. He had rabid fans and would get thousands of views per month and then he went off and made a baby and disappeared from our lives forever. Aside from that last sentence, one day I was minding my own fucking business and he came around and posted about this movie and went on and on and on in his British way about how much he liked it and – because he was my online buddy – I told him I’d watch even though I had been forever disappointed in almost every single one of the AFTER DARK HORRORFEST movies. He called me something like “a wanking arsehole tosser” who lived with “Rosie Palmer and her five sisters” and I laughed it off and never looked at it, until the other day.HAMIL3

I know Tyson popped back up into our lives about six months ago and then promptly disappeared again (and quit Twitter) so I don’t know if he’ll ever look at this piece but I thought this movie was fucking pointless, stupid, insipid and – dare I say it – a wanking cunt tosser of a movie. For real. This thing starts off with the chick at the top chained up in some basement.  She wiggles her half clothed body free and tries to escape. She hears someone moaning behind some locked door. She opens it. She dies an untimely fucking death. OPENING CREDITS. Fade in: Some gay kid is recording his life “for school”. His parents are dead, his Alpha Male oldest brother is also gay (I’m not saying that because I give a fuck about that lifestyle, it’s plot points in the movie) (he only loves – and eats – men), his other older brother is a fucking douchebag and his older sister is a fucking nutcase. HAMIL4

Hopefully I remember to preface this post with the word spoilers but I might not so here’s the deal – they eat people. They have to move around a lot because the middle brother is careless and a dipshit but the thing is, they eat people. The middle brother and the sister also make out with each other in front of their potential dinner, but, if we get down to the point, they eat people. YAY!! The copy I watched wasn’t HD, I hated all of the characters and the story and the gist of this movie was that we got to follow a few uninteresting days in the uninteresting lives of uninteresting people who eat uninteresting people. LAME! And, they made a sequel.HAMIL5

I do give it up that the poster looks cool but I am also at a loss as to all of those awards on it but… I thought this movie was not fun whatsoever, looked like shit, had terrible characters and the big “what the fuck is chained up in the chained up closet” was rather idiotic. Out here we keep it in perspective and realize that this movie is better than THIS movie or THIS movie – but this movie was crap. One Top Hat for being made and One Top Hat for not being THIS.

Love,

eric

196 comments

  1. I forgot about this movie!!! I used to rent a room in a house-share and one of the other housemates LOVED this film, we watched it twice over the time I lived there.

    I remember enjoying it enough to watch…but I found it kind of wannabe pretentious and ‘weird for the sake of being weird’ which is cheap and annoying. If that makes sense!

    *spoilers!*
    Isn’t there a secret family member locked in a box or something???

    P.S shame for that person who won’t watch Grand Budapest because they ‘hate’ Wes Anderson (?!!!!!)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It looks like a pretty poor production from those stills, but I do enjoy many of the AfterDark films.

    Also, I might be in the minority here – but I did not enjoy the Grand Budapest Hotel. I try not to jump on bandwagons and I feel that this film is one of those. I didn’t think it was funny and was pretty much a Shitfest entry for 2014. But that’s just me.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. What do you think of Last Man Standing I have only seen one episode so far? What do you think of the Americans? I really like that show and season 3 is really good so look forward to that if you like the show. And HIIIIII I have been gone for a month trying to get back on track. #ballerbaby

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh! Is that me?! It’s me! Me me me! The Wes Anderson Hater! Yes!!! 🙂 Seriously, though… Avoiding a director is NOT as weird as avoiding a hairdo! Lol! 😉 Oh, and as for this movie, a crazy guy I know who I swear is a serial killer recommended it to me. Ugh! No THANKS! I’d rather watch a Wes Anderson film. 😉

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Maybe Tyson is chained up somewhere in an effort to make another sequel. More likely… He succumbed to having a child. I speak from experience. Having children is a time suck. A supremely worthwhile one, but a time suck nonetheless.
    Anyway. Love GBH. No interest in The Hamiltons after reading this. And I somehow dropped off the Earth for three weeks too so it is good to read some good stuff again.
    Thanks!

    Liked by 2 people

    • Hey John! 🙂

      Yes time is a luxury, but she wasn’t to blame for my absence. That being said, you should ignore Eric, this is a good film, and the sequel was fantastic. At least I may be the only fan from the looks of this place but I enjoyed them 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  6. I remember Tyson and his awesome blog logo!! It’s a shame he has disappeared like that, but family’s first! And WOW Eric, I can totally feel your love and admiration for this film, haha. It does seem like a piece of no good film, but same as you, I thought the poster kicked ass. Hopefully the snow will be gone soon for ya, but if it makes you write those awesome reviews than by all means, LET IT STAY!!! #SMOOCH

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Dude, I support the drinking of cocktails in basically any situation imaginable. But not at the expense of Big Hero 6. That movie is phenomenal. You should be be watching that shit Whisky Sour in hand.

    Liked by 1 person

    • theipc

      LOL – shudder indeed! I think we call that a Z movie and poop on every copy of it we can find! : )

      You know what? I think they’re even making a third….

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Your snowed-in watches are epic–particularly Last Man Standing, Modern Family, and the glorious GBH!!! I’m about to Hulk out if Mutant keeps hating on it without giving it a chance!!!

    #CARASMASH

    Liked by 1 person

  9. An Englishman enters the room……

    *cough*

    Erm…….Hi………You may remember me from websites such as Head in a Vice & Talking Horror. Also a pretty handsome fellow from the UK. I used to disagree with some silly prick named Eric from around these parts. Anyhoo……. I’m kind of coming back, I am alive, and I will try and apologise/reconnect with folks and post on my old site soon. Which has around 4 followers I believe, so any help one day would be grand.

    Back on point, and I see you finally watched a film I recommended. This film was good, but the sequel The Thomsons was fucking great. I’m sorry you didn’t approve, but I can’t win them all.

    I hope you and all in this fine establishment are well.

    Much love

    Tyson x

    Liked by 1 person

      • Been too long chief. Too long.

        I own you (and 11 others) an apology for shit going south on my TalkingHorror site. It wasnt my fault though, I was hacked and lost everything. Twitter/facebook/emails/ etc. Long story. Got a new email address though, so slowly gonna start getting back out there. And thanks for the shout out on here btw, lots of nice comments about me. Much appreciated x

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        It’s been WAY too fucking long, TyTy : ) We all wondered what happened to you : ((((((

        I’m glad you’re back! Let me know if you need any help at all, you British bastard!

        XOXOXOXOXOX

        ei

        Liked by 1 person

      • Im hoping to do a post tomorrow night, so since you may need to re-follow my site again, Im gonna spam your site a little and reply to folks to let them know Im alive. Hopefully word will spread like wildfire and I will have some readers of my old site again! Like being a newbie, following 2 sites and 2 followers 🙂

        Then Ill start catching up on the shitty films you talk about here. Like Im hoping you reviewed REC 4 at some point. Or The Babadook.

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I’m not in a great place to start replying to those comments but hopefully you get back up and running! You always got the most comments! GREAT to hear from you two days in a row!

        I thought REC 4 was pretty good and awaited your hate but it never came and —–> you didn’t like Babadook?? Cinema Parrot Disco will skin you alive….. I liked Babadook fine but liked Coherence and Housebound much more : )

        X x Mr TyTy : )

        PS: Dead Snow 2 wins!!!!!!!

        PPS I looked and I’m still listed as following you. Let me know if it looks weird on your side and I can unfollow and follow back, you sexy bitch

        Liked by 1 person

      • Not seen rec 4 yet, was curious to see what u thought so i will get to that. Babadook was boring as fuck imo……..Just bought Dead Snow 1 & 2 so looking forward to those.
        Thats cool if you’re following. When I made Talkinghorror it transferred all my followers over. Then when that went it meant I lost everyone. Aside from a few such as yourself that have been and re-followed HIAV at some point, so if you are thats all good, u should get notified as and when I get something up. Then you can help me get everyone back 😉

        2 days in a row, I spoil you big boy!

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I’m sure you’ll hate Rec 4 but I liked it. Dead Snow 2 was my favorite zombie movie of 2014!!

        Look forward to your post! If you post and I don’t see it email me and I’ll go unfollow and refollow you : )

        Liked by 1 person

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