Well… here we are again Most Beloveds! On the day I am writing this, it’s a Saturday afternoon and we’ve been snowed in all day. The roads are undriveable and it’s really fucking cold as shit and we’ve been stuck inside all day. And for some reason I woke up at 6:45 on a Saturday morning. So far today, I’ve watched: an episode of Last Man Standing, an episode of Modern Family, an episode of The Greenbergs, The Grand Budapest Hotel (again), Let’s Kill Ward’s Wife and two eps of The Americans (S1). We’ve probably burned through 80 logs of wood in the fire place and MRS THE IPC is currently watching Big Hero Six. I needed a break from the couch so I am having a cocktail and trying to think of how to approach this dreadful movie that some people seem to like. I know we all have our own opinions and all of that but this is my place so I can say what I want but – this movie was pretty dreadful IMO and really had nothing that appealed to me whatsoever. Let’s see what we’ve got….
P.S. Before I forget – there’s one person who looks at this site occasionally that has refused to see Grand Budapest because he or she hates Wes Anderson. Well, Sir or Madame, for real, Budapest is hilarious and I’ve been out on Anderson since Bottle Rocket so – you should give it a shot. Not looking at it for that reason is about as rational as me not seeing Nightcrawler because It’s OCD can’t take JG’s hairdo.
Back to the movie – about two years ago this guy named Tyson ran a rather popular site called Head in a Vice. He had rabid fans and would get thousands of views per month and then he went off and made a baby and disappeared from our lives forever. Aside from that last sentence, one day I was minding my own fucking business and he came around and posted about this movie and went on and on and on in his British way about how much he liked it and – because he was my online buddy – I told him I’d watch even though I had been forever disappointed in almost every single one of the AFTER DARK HORRORFEST movies. He called me something like “a wanking arsehole tosser” who lived with “Rosie Palmer and her five sisters” and I laughed it off and never looked at it, until the other day.
I know Tyson popped back up into our lives about six months ago and then promptly disappeared again (and quit Twitter) so I don’t know if he’ll ever look at this piece but I thought this movie was fucking pointless, stupid, insipid and – dare I say it – a wanking cunt tosser of a movie. For real. This thing starts off with the chick at the top chained up in some basement. She wiggles her half clothed body free and tries to escape. She hears someone moaning behind some locked door. She opens it. She dies an untimely fucking death. OPENING CREDITS. Fade in: Some gay kid is recording his life “for school”. His parents are dead, his Alpha Male oldest brother is also gay (I’m not saying that because I give a fuck about that lifestyle, it’s plot points in the movie) (he only loves – and eats – men), his other older brother is a fucking douchebag and his older sister is a fucking nutcase.
Hopefully I remember to preface this post with the word spoilers but I might not so here’s the deal – they eat people. They have to move around a lot because the middle brother is careless and a dipshit but the thing is, they eat people. The middle brother and the sister also make out with each other in front of their potential dinner, but, if we get down to the point, they eat people. YAY!! The copy I watched wasn’t HD, I hated all of the characters and the story and the gist of this movie was that we got to follow a few uninteresting days in the uninteresting lives of uninteresting people who eat uninteresting people. LAME! And, they made a sequel.
I do give it up that the poster looks cool but I am also at a loss as to all of those awards on it but… I thought this movie was not fun whatsoever, looked like shit, had terrible characters and the big “what the fuck is chained up in the chained up closet” was rather idiotic. Out here we keep it in perspective and realize that this movie is better than THIS movie or THIS movie – but this movie was crap. One Top Hat for being made and One Top Hat for not being THIS.