Isaacs Picture Conclusions

STRETCH (2014) FOUR TOP HATS

stretch1

I had never even heard of this thing (which is not uncommon as I know nothing about anything) until our sweet JB came out with her post about this thing. She seemed to really like it and we pretty much like the same things – I also really like Patrick Wilson so, one afternoon I gave this a rent. When it started out I saw that this was directed by Joe Carnahan who is a pretty solid director and I was thinking (JB said this was fun + Joe Carnahan = this will be pretty good) (see how I inserted a formula into this post????) and – yep! It sure was. This was a LOT of fun and reminded me of SMOKIN’ ACES which was a total blast. In fact, this was a lot like SMOKIN’ ACES except it was mainly outside so- if you liked that – you’ll like this one too. Just NEVER attempt to watch SMOKIN’ ACES 2 – I did that so you don’t have to.stretch2

Wilson plays Stretch, a down on his luck limo driver who owes money to a bunch of Mexicans who will break his fucking legs off if he doesn’t pay them by midnight.

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Jessica Alba plays his nerdy-can’t-find-a-date-to-save-her-life friend and coworker because we all know that someone like Jessica Alba can’t find a date to save her life because she’s so nerdy with her glasses and hoodie and ponytail and sneakers.stretch5

The Hoff plays himself in a small cameo that is actually hilarious. To steal from IMDB:

David Hasselhoff: Has anyone ever referred to you as a punk ass mother fucker?
Stretch: Uh, not to my recollection.
David Hasselhoff: You are a punk ass mother fucker.
David Hasselhoff: Who’s an hour late and at my age when you find yourself making the most of even the smallest moments, the idea that you would swindle out of an entire hour, that you would have the balls to vaporize 60 minutes of my waking life is contemptible, it’s criminal.
Stretch: I’m um really sorry.
David Hasselhoff: Come on son, if you’re going to patronize me, at least put your fucking back into it, you don’t have any respect for the HOFF. Am I right? You think I never held a knife? That I’m unfamiliar with the taste of blood? That I took a shitty sub par show about lifeguards and turned it into the highest rated syndicated hit in television history because I got fucking lucky?
David Hasselhoff: I once forcibly sodomize a Vietcong colonel with a stick grenade because he placed an ancestral curse on me while I was interrogating him and I don’t even believe in ancestral curses but that’s how fucking deep I roll.

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Brooklyn Decker stars as Stretch’s ex because of her unbelievable acting skills.

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These three ladies star as a trio of semen gathering prostitutes who are hired to service Stretch’s high rolling, billionaire client. As the night goes on and on, Stretch runs into plenty of trouble, plenty of cops, plenty of gangsters and plenty of cock. This movie is really, really fun – it has loads of action and bullets – chase scenes and seriously what the fuck moments and the only complaint I might have is that I had to look at some guy’s balls smashed up against the front windshield of the limo for what seemed like ten minutes. Good, good fun here!stretch3

Again – Brooklyn Decker stars as Stretch’s ex because she can.

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84 comments

  8. Parlor of Horror

    I remember Stretch Armstrong the toy…yeah, look it up! It eventually turned into Stretch Hulk Hogan. If the toy looked like Jessica Alba, I may have still been playing with it until today 😀 Speaking of this crazy-crime-action movie genre, have you ever seen Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels?

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  12. Jordan Dodd

    I’m gonna have to catch this one, sounds wildly fun. And boobs.

    Plus I need to see for myself just exactly what the Hoff says hahaha. Damned April Fools… Ya know its 4pm on April the bloody second down here!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  17. caragale

    Yay Stretch!!! Glad to see you liked this one, too, Giantess!!! It’s just fun. Also: “Brooklyn Decker stars as Stretch’s ex because of her unbelievable acting skills.” LOL. Yes, clearly that’s why. Hey wait–no mention of Chris Pine in all his crazy glory?!?!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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