I had never even heard of this thing (which is not uncommon as I know nothing about anything) until our sweet JB came out with her post about this thing. She seemed to really like it and we pretty much like the same things – I also really like Patrick Wilson so, one afternoon I gave this a rent. When it started out I saw that this was directed by Joe Carnahan who is a pretty solid director and I was thinking (JB said this was fun + Joe Carnahan = this will be pretty good) (see how I inserted a formula into this post????) and – yep! It sure was. This was a LOT of fun and reminded me of SMOKIN’ ACES which was a total blast. In fact, this was a lot like SMOKIN’ ACES except it was mainly outside so- if you liked that – you’ll like this one too. Just NEVER attempt to watch SMOKIN’ ACES 2 – I did that so you don’t have to.
Wilson plays Stretch, a down on his luck limo driver who owes money to a bunch of Mexicans who will break his fucking legs off if he doesn’t pay them by midnight.
Jessica Alba plays his nerdy-can’t-find-a-date-to-save-her-life friend and coworker because we all know that someone like Jessica Alba can’t find a date to save her life because she’s so nerdy with her glasses and hoodie and ponytail and sneakers.
The Hoff plays himself in a small cameo that is actually hilarious. To steal from IMDB:
David Hasselhoff: Has anyone ever referred to you as a punk ass mother fucker?
Stretch: Uh, not to my recollection.
David Hasselhoff: You are a punk ass mother fucker.
David Hasselhoff: Who’s an hour late and at my age when you find yourself making the most of even the smallest moments, the idea that you would swindle out of an entire hour, that you would have the balls to vaporize 60 minutes of my waking life is contemptible, it’s criminal.
Stretch: I’m um really sorry.
David Hasselhoff: Come on son, if you’re going to patronize me, at least put your fucking back into it, you don’t have any respect for the HOFF. Am I right? You think I never held a knife? That I’m unfamiliar with the taste of blood? That I took a shitty sub par show about lifeguards and turned it into the highest rated syndicated hit in television history because I got fucking lucky?
David Hasselhoff: I once forcibly sodomize a Vietcong colonel with a stick grenade because he placed an ancestral curse on me while I was interrogating him and I don’t even believe in ancestral curses but that’s how fucking deep I roll.
Brooklyn Decker stars as Stretch’s ex because of her unbelievable acting skills.
These three ladies star as a trio of semen gathering prostitutes who are hired to service Stretch’s high rolling, billionaire client. As the night goes on and on, Stretch runs into plenty of trouble, plenty of cops, plenty of gangsters and plenty of cock. This movie is really, really fun – it has loads of action and bullets – chase scenes and seriously what the fuck moments and the only complaint I might have is that I had to look at some guy’s balls smashed up against the front windshield of the limo for what seemed like ten minutes. Good, good fun here!
Again – Brooklyn Decker stars as Stretch’s ex because she can.
Ok, this sounds like a lot of crazy fun. I’ll take it! Thanks for the review. And the boobs.
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We can always rely on Eric for boobs.
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I do try!
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And you succeed every time Eric.
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WHOO HAW!!!
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Your the boob master my friend.
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I like the sound of this!!
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Wear the title with pride mighty boobmaster.
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I SURELY SHALL!!!!
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This was a ton of fun – I actually watched it twice that day! And – you’re very welcome!
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Great post, Jessica Alba is ridiculously hot.
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Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
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Glad we share that view Eric.
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Jessica Alba is so fine I actually sat through “Honey” just to watch her. She’s not fine enough for me to endure Dane Cook in “Good Luck Chuck” though.
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I’ll never watch a Dane Cook movie again.
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She is definitely fine as you say, I was the same as you, I sat through Honey just for her.
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Dear PSC,
I am so glad you enjoyed this one, though seems you liked the boobs more!
It was a good laugh 🙂
Love,
JJB
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This film looks lots of fun 🙂
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Clam!
It REALLY is!!
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I really loved Smokin Aces purely because it was a crazy bag of fun. This looks in a similar vein! 🙂 🙂
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If you liked Smokin’ Aces you’ll dig this!!!
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I dig it baby!
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And I dig Clam!
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And I dig dear, sweet Pen
o _O
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WOOO HOOOOO!!!
Love Pen
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Yay! #bibs #pensandclams
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#beefjerky
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Love Pen!!
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Zoe, didn’t I turn you on to this one? I think I wrote you and told you to check it out and that l liked Chris Pine’s performance.
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Dearest IJB,
I actually REALLY liked this and watched it twice in one day. Thank YOU for bringing it up!!!
Love,
ISC
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Kind Chop,
YAY! I am so glad to hear that, it really was a goodie, very entertaining!
Love,
JJB
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Fairest PJB,
YEP!! Loved it!!
Love,
SSC
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So it’s not a movie about Stretch Armstrong? I’m confused.
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Unfortunately, it isn’t…………. : (((((((((((
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I’m sold! Will definitely check this out 🙂 PS – that picture of Jessica Alba is #amaze
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Fuck yeah! Enjoy!!
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!! #hotshit
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How come I have never heard of this movie? Tracking it down tonight! Even if it is just to see that Hoff cameo!
…and maybe Brooklyn Dekker, because of her… acting…
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I bet you love it! Especially Decker’s acting….
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Yep, I’ll give this a go because of Alba. And because you rate it so highly. Sounds like fun.
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It’s all kinds of fun, Boss! I would be very surprised if you didn’t like it.
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I remember Stretch Armstrong the toy…yeah, look it up! It eventually turned into Stretch Hulk Hogan. If the toy looked like Jessica Alba, I may have still been playing with it until today 😀 Speaking of this crazy-crime-action movie genre, have you ever seen Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels?
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I bet you’d enjoy it if looked like Alba, then again, who wouldn’t?
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I HAVE seen Lock, Stock! It’s pretty good. Just yesterday I watched a similar film called Rocknrolla which was also pretty good.
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I still need to see that film, it looks badass. Plus it’s got my man crush Tom Hardy in it.
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It’s good!
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I trust your opinion on that Eric.
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Whoop!
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*fist bumps*.
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*high fives*
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Right back at you Eric. I’ve always got your back.
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This looks interesting, I like that Wilson dude too. That gif!!!!! #ballerapproved
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It’s pretty good, Main Baller! I bet you’d like it!
WHOOOO HOOOOOOO!
#brooklyndeckergifs
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But what about Kate Upton?! #iheartgifs
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She’s HOT too!!!!!
#ballers
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#ballersandbabes
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I just “stretched” something…
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Your wiener????????
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I was 1000000% sure this was an April Fool’s joke until I hit up IMDb.
Still not sure it’s real.
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Me neither
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It’s real, you bastards!
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Oh, it’s fucking real, baby! And it’s good!
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I’m gonna have to catch this one, sounds wildly fun. And boobs.
Plus I need to see for myself just exactly what the Hoff says hahaha. Damned April Fools… Ya know its 4pm on April the bloody second down here!!
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LOL – this is a good one! The Hoff fucking killed in his few minutes!
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Eric my blogging brother, I nominated you for a blogging award. https://vinnieh.wordpress.com/2015/04/02/my-fourth-liebster-award/
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THANKS, BOSS!!!
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Just giving a shout out to the excellence that is you and your blog man.
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I appreciate it!
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*fist bumps*.
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*high fives*
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I don’t know…. And is it me or is Patrick Wilson really really nerdy??
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You would only disagree but I think he’s kinda like me….
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Nerdy????? 😉
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Yes. ! .
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This sounds weird. That is all.
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LOL – it was a little weird…..
#soami
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Also Patrick thingy still creeps me out thanks to Hard Candy [shudder]
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HA!!!
#testicleremover
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I remember it being a really good film. Need to watch it again.
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It was good fun!
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I’d forgotten the Hoff was in this. I loved this movie!
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Yes sir!! A fine, fine thing, this!
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Yay Stretch!!! Glad to see you liked this one, too, Giantess!!! It’s just fun. Also: “Brooklyn Decker stars as Stretch’s ex because of her unbelievable acting skills.” LOL. Yes, clearly that’s why. Hey wait–no mention of Chris Pine in all his crazy glory?!?!
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Yes! Acting!!
About Pine – I was kind of keeping it a secret since he goes uncredited….
#secretsout
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#oopsiedaisy
#ialreadyruineditinmyreview
#doubleoopsies
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#ooooooooooooooooooooops
#loveit
#itequalscarait
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