EDEN (2012)
For those of us that grew up where I live and went to grade school together and had to take “Bible Class”, we all know that God went and created Adam out of mud – right over there in the Middle East, along the Tigris and Euphrates rivers. He then realized that Adam was horny so he made Eve out of Adam’s BONE so Adam could do some fuckin’ and they had the Garden of Eden and the Snake and all of that shit. All we are told after that – and never explained by classroom teachers – is that they were banished from The Garden and Cain sleweth Abel and we shift forwards where the world is populated and such and we are all inbreeds and belong in Wrong Turn 11 – The REAL Beginning.
Writer / Director Megan Griffiths takes the story of Adam and Eve and shifts it to The States and the modern day sex trafficking industry. Lloyd Bridges comes down from the stars above and stars as God Almighty and goes around smiting and killing EVERYONE in that good Old Testament way. OOPS wait, that’s not right. Jeff Bridges continues his run as a soft spoken wise man with crazy hair, starring as Abraham who goes off to sacrifice his own son to Go – wait, nope. Beau Bridges is in this as The Angel Gabriel who goes patrolling around in the desert killing people and running an illegal sex enterprise. Yes! That’s it!
Eden, a naive, young lady goes to a bar – underage mind you – and ends up with the main guy from Eurotrip. Next up she’s doing The Sex against her will and bites Wee-Wees and puts things in her – um – yeaaaaaaahhhhh for safe keeping and eventually – well, honestly, I don’t know because I never finished this and after I paused this for a satisfying bowel movement break, I went to get a haircut (and lunch) and came back and watched something else. Something called:
INFLICTION (2013)
The director of this tweeted me to give his movie a watch, so I did and I didn’t particularly care for it. Two brothers go around killing EVERYONE in North Carolina, documenting it all with their handheld camera. No one is safe, not even The Bridges family, not Ryan, not David, not Natasha, not Emma, not Reut and not even Justine. Everyone gets killed and then the police raid the place and shoot the brothers dead. Deader than fuck. It was kind of interesting when they introduced the sister but it got uninteresting when it’s revealed that the sister had a baby and the baby was her father’s. I’m not making that part up.
*
And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.
Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me
On another note! It’s no great mystery or secret that the majority of the traffic and comments and shit I get out here come during the week while people are fucking off at work – and that’s more than fucking OK because I love you. I think sometimes people go get caught up on the weekend posts, but I think that depends on how many people you follow and some of the previous posts might get missed. For example, I follow a particular site that posts about 19-20 pictures a day of various women in stages of undress, so I might miss some of those Saturday posts that come out and I apologize but I still love you.
The point of that, to you Monday or Tuesday looker-atters (because of that holiday where all of the UK shuts down for four days) – Luke got fidgety over the weekend and posted his Shitfest Acceptance on Saturday. It’s probably one of the funniest things I’ve watched in forever and I highly encourage you to check it out. I totally LOL-ed while watching it Saturday and highly recommend it. Being the sweet guy that I am, you can get some of my complimentary hors d’oeuvres over there at the table (be careful reaching your hand into that five gallon bucket of cold Marsala), enjoy parking voucher validation and get to his post by clicking the following image:
These half ass reviews rule, can’t beat them Eric.
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HAHA!! Thanks Vinnie!! Happy Monday!
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Happy Monday Eric, sending you virtual fist bumps and lots of high fives.
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Right back atcha!
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So true Vinnie!
“Shoots them dead. Dead as fuck.”
HAHA!
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HAHAHA!!! Deader than fuck!
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I’m not sure what that means excatly haha but it reads so fucking funny
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You can use that term pretty freely here:
Deader than fuck
She’s hotter than fuck
I’m hungry as fuck
It stinks like fuck in here
HAHAHAH!!
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oh yeah I’ve heard all that… but ‘dead as fuck’…. just has this odd, necrophialic ring to it that kinda disturbs me man ;0
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HAHAHA!!!
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Glad you agree dude.
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Not even Justine is safe! We’re all screwed.
And sorry I didn’t get back to you about the enlarged picture. As you said, the UK has still shut down due to some holiday about religious eggs or something…
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I know!! We’re fucked!!
LOL – it’s not too late to get that picture sent : )
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Fuck that, I’ve already got my house rigged in anticipation for any homicidal rednecks coming my way. They’re fucked.
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I’m glad I could get you warned in time!!
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does that not happen in the US or where else?? Cos the exact same fucking thing happens here. Well I guess we are all mongrel brits here down under…. but the four day thing is fucked. I just had to buy doog food from the goddamn GAS STATION
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NO – we have to work all the fucking time!!
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No shit! On Easter Friday (or whatever the FUCK its called!) even BOTTLO’s are closed. I dunno what you call places where you buy grog from in the US, does the word bottlo mean a thing to you ? I’m never sure of what is aussie slang and what is just sorta… western slang that we all use
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Where I live you can get low point beer anywhere all the time. If you want something stronger you have to go to “the liquor store” and they are closed on Sundays and Holidays…. it’s bullshit
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Bummer man, you have to work and all you can buy is light beer?? Fuckin’ harsh deal man. I at least was able to find a bottlo’ that was open yesterday (monday), took a while but its Australia, I knew I’d find one eventually ;P
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Ha! Yep, come Monday’s it’s liquor and good beer time!
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That is just so… crazy and trippy man. Only light beer over a holiday. Hahaha sorry that just seems o alien to me! Bottlo’s were opening EARLIER cos it was a holiday down here. You should come have some beers sometime man hahaha, you’d probably like it here!!
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I would love to! We told those people we met in Mexico that we’d try to come over there some time : )
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I liked Eden. Good film, if a little depressing at times. Also I do check out the various blogs on the weekends, you know, if people update them so I did see the Shitfest acceptance – which was great. lol
Really liking the half-assed reviews!
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I know you did! You rock!
How did Eden end?
(and THANKS!!!!!)
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The girl gets away in the end after exacting her revenge. Pretty decent, but not one I would ever watch again I think.
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That’s about how I felt… it was OK but I just wasn’t interested enough to finish it…
*fist bumps*
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Hahaha! Wrong Turn 11 – The REAL Beginning. This kills me. Both these movies look pretty horrible. I will steer clear. Great reviews!
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HAHAHA Awesome!!! I try! : ) : )
Good call!!!
Thank you!!!
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Is Jamie Chung naked in that film? Because that would be relevant to my interests.
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Well – I didn’t finish it but for the most part – nope – just undies….
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GOD DAMN
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SORRY! I didn’t make the damned thing!
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That’s no excuse.
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FUCK!
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FUCK YOU!!! Take those panty hose off!!
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FUCK YOU!!!! NOW LET ME SQUEEZE YOUR TITTIES!!!!
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Fuck man keep thse coming. I’ve gotta give this a try myself. Got to think of a classic or it won’t work….hmmmm.
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YES SIR!!! I’m glad you like them!!
And
Bring it!
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This sounds like fighting talk Eric, defend yourself at all costs, hehe.
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HAHA!
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You know me Eric, always up for a laugh.
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Also, do you have any recommendations for 70’s porn if I do choose to write about it on my blog. Any titles?
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LOL yes – I’ll put them on your new page – been busy today…. : (
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Thanks Eric.
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And now I have to go to a fucking meeting at 1:30….
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Hope it goes well, talk to you in a bit Eric.
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Ok. I will. But don’t you come complaining if its total shit!
oh wait… thats the point…
hahaha I’ll email you soon bro. I’m gonna pick one of the classic Eastwood movies… any suggestions? I was gonna go with ‘A Fistful…” but not sure yet.
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HA! I won’t complain!
Sounds good! Every which Way but Loose?
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Aint seen it but there are lots I need to catch up on. I’ll have a read of some reviews and see what its about. I just happen to have ‘Fistful’ sitting on BR in front of me, 4 bucks brand new. Score!
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Sounds great!!
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Dude, are you gonna take part in Summer Shitfest?
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Totally man, I was pissed I just missed out on the last one!!
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Bring it like a Boss!!!
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hahaha dude I love your enthusiasm, seriously bro its fucking infectious.
Oh did you ever happen to look at that blog I mentioned? It is so funny I cry reading it. I CAN’T read his book on public transportation because so hard I break out into fart-seizures, and that’s never good man, not for anyone
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I looked at a few more of those links the other day when I pooped. We’re getting new carpet in our house soon so my hours have been filled with packing up everything we own so I can move furniture….
It’s a funny site, for sure!
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Moving furniture. That’s always fun, and you never get into arguements when moving counches either! 😉
Yeah dude glad your poop was entertaining hehe. I just bought his second book. Its better than the first. So. Funny.
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Cool! That site’s great!
Yes, lumbering boxes of books up stairs is fun too…. said no one ever.
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I’m taking part this summer, it’s gonna be one tough competition.
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Hahahaha dude judging from that victory speech, I’m just honoured to take part. That victory speech video thing was just…. I was crying and hurting from laughter
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I look forward to your entry.
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Cheers bro right back atcha. I look forward most to being involved from the start, gonna be fun fun fun :D:D
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It’s gonna be a blast, I’m pulling out all the stops with my entry.
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Can’t wait man =D
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My entry is gonna be one x-rated entry, prepare for the raunchiness.
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Haha! Knowing you mate, why doesn’t this fact surprise me? 😉
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Because I’m such a dirty bastard, haha.
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Luke’s video was fucking hysterical!
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yeh dude, if thats the competition I’m up against man I just hope to make some people laugh! That is some seriously funny shit to compete with!!
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I’m sure you’ll do great : )
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Eric, first of all if I’m gonna get killed, I’d rather it to be in one of your posts! That’s how much of a dedicated IPC fan I am! Thanks for the warning. Now I can fucking go do my hair and look awesome before anyone slays me. Second, WE LOVE YOU TOO!!!!!! #SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH
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YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
BEST NEWS I’VE HEARD ALL WEEK!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m preeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeety sure you’re always looking awesome!
#mondayXOXOXOXOXOXs
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Oh, stoppp… 🙂 thank you, Buddy…
Now that Iv’e stopped fishing for complements I can say that I meant every word… about being a fan, I mean. I am I am!!!!! :-))))) On another note, bring those killers on!!!! I’ll go Kill Bill vol. 1+2 on their asses!!!!
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: ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOZYSMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH
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Sweet Sugar Pappy
I’m going into hiding. They should just TRY finding me. *flex flex*
Love,
Kindey
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Sweet, Sweet Kidney!
I’ll protect the shit out of you!!
Love,
Sugar Pappy
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Please don’t ever stop blogging Eric!
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You are so sweet to me!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thank you thank you!!!!!!
#love
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Aww. Honestly though, your blog is brilliant😊
#feelingthelove
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Thank you SOOOOOOOOOO SO much, Kim!!!
#longdistancehugs
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#loveeric
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#lovekim !!!!!
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Dear PSC,
Great work, as always.
As for the pic of Luke and Liam? It is a winner, really!
Love,
JJB
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Dearest IJB,
It is a winner but it’s not big enough.. CRY CRY CRY
#OCD
#tictictic
Love,
ISC
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I’m usually a weekday WordPress wanker, but I made a point of watching Luke’s video over the weekend 🙂
#shitfestforever
Yeah those 4 day British holidays are great aren’t they!!!

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: ))))))))))))))))))))))))
#shitfestforever
#pensforever
Love Pen!!!
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I’m glad I did as well, very very very funny 😀
#pensforever
Love Clam!!!

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*High fives*
*hugs*
Love Pen!!
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Hugs, handshakes and high fives!
Love Clam 🙂
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Clam!
Let’s keep those handshakes to a minimum and work out the hugs thing!
Love Pen!!
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Definitely!!!! ((hugs))
Handshake <————– fuck off!
Love Clam

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HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!
That made my morning!!!!
Happy Thursday!!
Love Pen O _ o o _ O
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Happy Thursday dear Pen!! Hahahaha!
HUGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Love Clam

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Handshakes <———————- FUCK OFF!
HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
Did you see my tweet last night after you had probably gone to bed??
#meangirls
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Hahaha! Handshakes can FUCK OFF!
I did, I did! I just replied actually
I’m so very excited, I hope you are too!!
Love Clam 🙂 🙂 🙂
P.S I’ve even told non-Wordpress people about this – that is the level of excitement!
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HAHAHAHA!! handshakes CAN fuck off!!!
#gofuckyourselfhandshakes
I am excited to be working with you!!!
Love Pen!!!
P.S. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
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I hope you enjoy the film 🙂 I think you’ll enjoy it…even if you don’t like it?! That kinda thaaaaang!
#fuckoffhandshake
#comeherehugs!!!!
Love clam 🙂
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We shall see!!! I know I’ll like working with you!
#bringitinclose
Love Pen!!
O _ o o _ O
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Even when you’re only using half your ass your reviews are great!
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THANKS ABBI!!!!!
I hope you’re having fun and not doing anything I wouldn’t do : )
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I am mostly drinking a lot of wine and eating. Although I have been working out in the morning. Would you do that?
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I probably wouldn’t drink wine as it gives me a terrible headache but I would drink some liquor and eat a lot. I also wouldn’t work out so let’s go ahead and put a stop to that unless you’re being sly and using “working out” as code for something, you devil!
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“…we are all inbreeds and belong in Wrong Turn 11 – The REAL Beginning.” LOOOOLLLLL. Hilarious. Hey! The director of Infliction asked me to watch, too! I never did get around to that. Whoops.
Although I don’t think that or the other one sound like my cup of tea. But good job, Giantess!!! And yaaaayyyy Luke!!!
P.S. That header is THE SHIT. 😀
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