Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HALF ASS REVIEWS: JOHN WICK AND BIRDMAN

HAR

JOHN WICK (2014)

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Keanu Reeve’s embalmed, schlacked and decapitated head stars as a retired time bomb, just wanting to relax and chill, Point Break-style, with his time bomb wife. Unfortunately, one night, after some rousing Bed-Sheet Be-Bop, he really ignites her wick and she blows to smithereens all over the bedroom, the bed sheets, the windows and the dog. Really, really mad, the bomb puts on a fake beard and goes around killing Russians and everyone else by blowing himself up inside of night clubs. “This is the worst rendering on the Art of Revenge I’ve ever seen,” growls Clint Eastwood as he rolls over in the grave he shares with John Malkovich. Clint Eastwood has nothing to do with this movie and in The Real World that exists outside of Half Ass Review Town, I really liked John Wick.

BIRDMAN (2014)

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In their Academy Award recognized performances, Michael Keaton and Ed Norton star as two horny Canadian Geese during mating season who constantly  shit everywhere and scream at people as they walk by. The IPC was able to score an exclusive, never before seen clip from the film:

And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.

Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me 

118 comments

  1. GaryGreg828

    I thought I recommended “John Wick” to you last year after I saw it. I thought it was your kind of movie. I also recommended “The Equalizer” for you. That is quite the double feature. Reeves best movie since “The Matrix” and Denzel’s best since “Man on Fire”, IMO.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. GaryGreg828

    I just can’t bring myself to watch “Birdman”. It just looks like it’s soooo boring! I am going to see if I can find a copy now and see if I can bare to sit through it. I hope paramedics are nearby in case I die of boredom.

    Liked by 1 person

    • theipc

      It’s sooooooooooo boring…. and it’s littered with bee-bop jazz music…. I would have quit watching if the wife wasn’t watching it…

      Like

      • GaryGreg828

        I generally hate jazz. But it was decent in “Whiplash”. I was hesitant to watch Whiplash b/c of the jazz, but it actually sounds pretty good for the most part. OK, I’m braving my fears and going into Birdman!!

        Liked by 1 person

      • GaryGreg828

        Okay, I just finished. Not a big fan. I think the only reason I made it through was b/c of Emma Stone’s character. I thought she was interesting. And Edward Norton, as well. But Michael Keaton’s self-loathing act was redundant to me and got dull fast.

        I also didn’t like the mood or atmosphere. I didn’t like how crammed-up everything felt and I hated the loud high-hat cymbals playing in the background of nearly every scene; especially when it was louder than the dialogue. The movie was actually much more tolerable w/out the drums and cymbals, and if the instruments weren’t quite so loud, they may not have been as annoying. I felt like I was in a jazz-club trying to overhear a conversation as the actors on-screen talked.

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I agree 100% – I also didn’t like the gimmicky “one continuous shot” thing – it got really old after about 30 minutes. I really would have quit after about 30 minutes if it wasn’t the only thing playing in my house that morning… I like that video that I made on this post more than Birdman.

        Like

    • theipc

      I actually have a post about that coming out on Thursday here. I really liked it but it’s basically a slasher movie. Nothing too complicated or anything. I thought it was fresh and somewhat exciting but it’s nothing new.

      Like

      • GaryGreg828

        Yeah, a slasher flick is okay if the writing and acting is decent. I will give this a watch before Thursday and then read your review.

        *Also, I have heard the new “Daredevil” series on netflix is good. Have you seen it yet?

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        We watched five of the Daredevils over the weekend – it’s really good. I would have watched them all but we’re getting new carpet and I’ve been boxing up everything I own for weeks so I can move the furniture…

        Like

      • GaryGreg828

        OK, so a review will be released in the future?

        I may have to just go ahead and subscribe to netflix for a month to check it out. I am currently on Amazon Prime and watched all of season 4 of “Louie” over the weekend. Very off-beat and refreshing writing for that series.

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I doubt I’ll write anything about Daredevil. It usually takes me months to finish a TV season… Louie seems like it would irritate me, but that’s just me…

        Like

      • GaryGreg828

        I think you’d find yourself relating to “Louie” a lot. It’s actually quite creative. It is very awkward and will make you uncomfortable for its brutal honesty at real life; but at the same time is hilarious. It is also very unpredictable. You really never know what’s about to happen. Sometimes bad things happen to Louie, and then other times really great things happen. You just never know what to expect.

        There was this one episode I think you’d like where Louie goes on a talk-show to endorse masturbation, while an attractive Christian virgin goes on the show to speak against masturbation. So, they have a debate. And finally after Louie grows frustrated with her he says “When I masturbate tonight I’m going to think of you and there’s nothing you can do about it!”

        Sounds like something I’d read on this page! lol. So, in “Louie” unpredictable fashion, the Christian girl and Louie go on a couple dates and actually have interesting, insightful conversation. On most shows, the girl would say “You disgust me, you pervert!” to Louie, but like I said this show is off-the-wall and highly unpredictable.

        There are a couple of bad episodes in the series, but that’s to be expected when doing comedy in such a unconventional manner. Most of the episodes are really good. Sometimes commercials and trailers can be misleading. I see why you think it may annoy you, but I’m pretty sure you’d like it.

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I’m sure it’s good and that sounds funny, I just don’t really care for Louis C.K. is really the thing….

        Like

      • GaryGreg828

        Oh ok, I understand some of the time there are certain actors we dislike…but hey, think about this…you remember that Chris Pine entry I wrote; then when I saw him in “Stretch” I thought he was the best part of the film.

        I have seen Louie Ck in a couple supporting roles in movies and didn’t think anything about him. Until I watched his stand-up and then thought he was hilarious.

        So was just bringing that up in case you just saw him in some lame movie or TV show and assumed he was the same all the time. Not sure if you knew, but he was one of the head writers for “The Chris Rock Show” on HBO a few years back and won an emmy for his writing.

        Not pressuring you to watch, but just wanted to let you know a little more about him and there’s more to him than his terrible role in “The Invention of Lying”.

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I don’t know… I liked him for a little bit in Parks and Rec and then I thought his shtick got really old… I can’t stream at work any more so we’ll see if the wife wants to watch this sometime…

        Like

      • theipc

        Hey – have you ever seen The Secret in Their Eyes? I’m not done with it yet but this is really good and seems like something you would like.

        Like

      • GaryGreg828

        I have the DVD, but have not watched it yet. I actually have a ton of DVD’s I bought over the years of films I haven’t watched yet. So, you think I should check it out soon??

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I still have about 45 minutes left so, I couldn’t talk about the entire thing but, over half way through, I was thinking this is something you’d like.

        Like

  3. Looooolllll that goose video!! Did you actually film that?? That’s dangerous, Giantess!! Geese are mean!! As for Birdman…I think you and I felt very differently about that one. 😉

    #dontfuckwithgeesebro

    Liked by 2 people

  4. God I am falling out of my chair, and choking, due to laughter. Fuck man these reviews never dissapoint.

    Best John Wick review. Ever. Fuck thats right, I was gonna try my hand at one of these. But damn, I don’t think I am this funny man!!! This post has made my fucking day 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Tom

    Dear King of the Ipers,

    The squawks A) are offensive to the earholes and B ) are an insult to great, wine-and-cheese-taste-loving, monocle-wearing, mustache-twirling, high-brow-opinion-having film critics such as myself. Shame on you.

    Love, T-Shit.

    Liked by 1 person

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