Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HALF ASS REVIEWS: MICHAEL CLAYTON AND THE AMERICAN

~THIS POST MIGHT TAKE A WHILE TO LOAD AND COULD BE CONSIDERED NSFW~HAR

MICHAEL CLAYTON (2007)

clayton1

It’s Spring around here so it’s about time to start freshening up those swimming pools and getting into our Speedos and tiny bikinis, getting some color on our skins and drinking fruity cocktails by the water! So, let’s go with a poolside theme today and talk about George Clooney’s Michael Clayton and The American. In Michael Clayton, Clooney plays a gambling lawyer who is very good at making problems go away. Problems like drunken accidents, public boners and this chick’s bra:

clayton2

You all have to thank Melissa for putting that idea into my head and your loins. She was talking about Upton back on my old Stretch post – so THANK YOU, Melissa!!! MEOW PUSSYCAT!!!! Seriously though, this movie was FANTASTIC and HOW IN THE FUCK did he not win an Academy Award for this??? THIS is why I hate The Oscars. Clooney was great and so was the movie. If you haven’t seen this, just do it.

THE AMERICAN (2010)

????????????????????????????

In The American, Clooney jives his way across Europe not using cell phones and doing it with hookers. He drives a car a couple of times and builds a rifle but that’s about it other than the hooker sex. He also has a butterfly tattoo on his back that looks a little feminine for an American assassin but, hey, he’s George Clooney so who am I to judge? Also – Jessica Biel can judge my butterfly any day, although she could use some meat above those hips….

theamerican2

This hasn’t been a very deep Half Ass Review day so I thought I’d address something else a couple of people have sent my way recently. These blog award thingies seem to go around about every spring when people start waking up and it’s always fun to get them but sometimes they can be difficult to address because we all have our blog communities and if we just keep sending them to each other that would defeat the point, in my opinion. I love it when people do these but it’s just impossible to pick a small handful of people to forward them on to…. I do love you all so much (except Brian). So – if you’re interested, here’s some notable and remarkable facts about me based on some links from some beautiful people : ) : )

From the lovely and reportedly dominatrix-boot wearing Emma:

  1. What is your favourite film soundtrack? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM Probably Escape From New York….
  2. Are you technology savvy? Not particularly but I’m a fast learner…
  3. Tell me something you’ve very proud of. I’m kind of proud of myself for making friends out here on the blog. In real life I am a very shy fucker and tend to avoid people….
  4. Favourite animal? Like, in general or personal? I LOVE giraffes but can’t see myself owning one. I LOVE my dogs (and cats)
  5. Favourite website if you HAD to choose just one? There’s so many beautiful sites out there that’s impossible to pick, but if I had to choose one it would be THIS
  6. Favourite eye colour? HMMMMMMMMMMM…. green!
  7. Do you watch The Inbetweeners? Ummmmm….. nope….?
  8. Favourite holiday? Probably new Year’s Day because I’m off work and there’s no chance of getting emergency work calls
  9. What is your favourite book? Mailman by J Robert Lennon
  10. What do you enjoy most about writing? I just hope I can make someone smile or maybe even laugh a little – it’s also good for the brain
  11. Do you ever hash tag? #liebsteraward I do a lot but it’s not to try and draw hits – it’s more to be funny #imsureitsmoreannoyingthanfunny

Vinnie AKA The Satrap of Sin

  1. Do you prefer watching films in the cinema or at home? Home, really, so I can pause and piss whenever I want
  2. Do you have any tattoos? Yep… four of em….
  3. What is your favourite sport? College football (American)
  4. Who is your man crush or woman crush? Ron Swanson and Emma Stone
  5. How good are you at keeping secrets? Pretty fucking good
  6. What movie do you love that everyone else seems to hate? This list would be huge but to narrow one down maybe House of the Devil?
  7. What do you enjoy the most about blogging? Being creative and interacting with good people : )
  8. What is your star sign? Sagittarius baby!
  9. How many languages can you speak? Just one fluently, and some broken Spanish
  10. What is your most valuable belonging? I don’t own anything worth a lot of money but I have some very cherished belongings…
  11. Describe yourself in five words. Tall, thinnish, tired, shy, hopefully amusing

And for the sweetest Reut:

10 facts about me:

  • I’m deathly afraid of spiders and deathly allergic to wasps and hornets
  • There’s something about me that causes small mechanics to not work, like remotes and watches and cameras and cell phones….
  • I totally fucking suck at messing with plastic bags…..!
  • One time I was at the local zoo and this giraffe was looking at me and it got a boner. I’ve been scarred for life.
  • I’ve had dozens and dozens of out of body experiences
  • I used to get drunk and take off my clothes and run around various places in my city. I’ve retired from that though.
  • I’m a pretty handy guy but for some reason I can’t EVER figure out fucking plumbing
  • I’m six foot four inches tall
  • I’ve been held up at gunpoint and YES it’s fucking scarier than shit and NO you don’t think about getting all Bruce Willis and kicking someone’s ass
  • Keith Carradine owes me five dollars

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HAPPY MONDAY!!!

***

It really does take me abut three to four weeks to get a post put together. I have to really think about how I want to do them and then I poop out a bunch of sentences and then proof it a thousand times and add horrible things like commas so, I know I have been mentioned in a few more of these things and it’s not like I didn’t want to do them – I would never slight you, I’m just slow and sometimes I can’t keep up…. Plus, there’s really not too much interesting about me… I really do love you!

For example, there’s a really fun one from the red-headed fox Melissa HERE

And another beut at the wonderful Robbins Realm Blog HERE 

And one from someone who says “fuck donuts” HERE (Zobo)

Now – since it’s impossible to pick out nine or ten or eleven or fifteen people to forward these things on to – I’ve made my own award for you – for better or worse. I’m actually a really shy guy in real life and who knows if you would like me in person but I can’t even believe you read out here. I NEVER thought I would make friends out here on this place, much less actually care about you, but look at where we are now. So – in honor of you: here’s to you, here’s mud in your eye and here’s to a fast dollar!

*CLINK*

*Another round on me!*

To anyone who wants it, here’s something I made for you amazing Most Beloveds that you can put on your blog if you want, or do an awards post (or pass on to someone else) or whatever you want, but this is from me to you:

AWESOMEPF2Then I got to thinking and thought that might not be the right thing for your site so there’s this:

AWESOMEPA2And then I got to thinking again and thought that maybe that won’t be the right color for your site so I made these: 

AWESOMEPFAWESOMEPASo there you go – feel free to use them if you want… or not – I just wanted to let you know that I love you people!

THANK YOU!!!!

154 comments

  1. vinnieh

    Thanks for the shout out Eric, some really interesting facts about you there. Will definitely use that awesome image on my blog. And thanks for the slinky wet T-shirt gifs really made my morning.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  2. GaryGreg828

    This sounds like a cult! 🙂 Nice awards there, and thanks for making a clean version so that if someone’s boss walks in they won’t get reprimanded like I did that day last summer when a nosy co-worker saw “shitfest” on my monitor and reported it to my manager. lol.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  3. GaryGreg828

    You’ve been held up at gunpoint AND had out of body experiences? Why the heck are we just learning this NOW? This calls for its own entry!! Spill the details, John McClane! 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      It’s true – back when I worked at the restaurant we were closing one night. I was in the back putting up some pans and I heard this loud noise. I went back around the corner and there were two dudes there with pantyhose over their heads. Both had guns and one of them shoved the closing manager into the office to get the cash. The other held me and this dishwasher at gun point while the manager got the money. It was one of the scariest things that’s ever happened to me. I don’t recommend it!

      Like

      Reply
  5. table9mutant

    You had me curious so I looked it up – Clooney lost out to Daniel Day-Lewis in There Will Be Blood. I can’t comment as I’ve not seen either of these Clooney movies (you have a Clooney Man-Crush??) but I wasn’t that big on There Will Be Blood. It wasn’t fucking awesome, anyway. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  7. The Telltale Mind

    The Half-Ass reviews were good, but the rest was better. I also have a couple of awards that went unanswered because I have already done so before and you are right, they just seem to keep making their way back to you. Not that I don’t love who they came from (Zobo, Ems), it just simply gets to be too much and too repetitive.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  8. The Film Fetishist

    Clooney with a butterfly tat? Well, that’s not cool! Also, Biel doesn’t need no meat above her hips! She’s sexy without extra bits! Thanks for the mention. Fucking donuts. I shall add one or maybe all of your cool banners to my site – probably the one with swearing in though.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  9. emmakwall

    I think YOU’RE pretty fucking awesome and I’m so glad you did this because it was such an interesting read and we’ve all gotten to know you just that little bit better 🙂

    It’s hard to imagine The IPC in any way different to how it is now – a fun, vibrant, hilarious place where everyone is welcomed and made to feel at home. You (and everyone else involved) has done such a brilliant, spiffing, amazing job!!! You should be proud! Those badges you made are brilliant btw – I’m definitely taking one 🙂

    I plan on watching House of the Devil very, very soon (it’s on Netflix hurrah!) so you might not be the only person who loves it!

    Cannot believe you were held up at gunpoint 😦 however….I am super impressed with the size – 6″4!!!!!!!!!!

    I do wear dominatrix boots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And hey guess what else?! I’m Sagittarius too! 😀

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
    • theipc

      Clam – this is one of the greatest comments EVER!!! THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH!!! I just want this to be a place like a corner bistro where we all sit around and have a good time and everyone likes each other. Then someone gets too drunk and their boobs pop out!!!

      HAHAHAHA!!! I just love you!!!!

      I really liked House of the Devil but that’s me! : )))))))))

      You’re a Sag??????????????????? WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! We have to stick together!!!!!

      LOVE PEN!!!!!

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
      • emmakwall

        You’re so welcome Pen and I meant every word.

        Greatest comment ever? What….this little old comment! I just slipped it on!

        The IPC IS that bistro!!! It is, it is!!!!! Can we have a jukebox as well? Please, please!

        Then we can all sit and drink beer and argue about films (and agree about films) until someone’s boob falls out. Vinnie will you be wearing your purple gown??? Something else MAY slip out.

        Haha!!! We all love you too, you’ve kind of…..joined us all together!

        I am a Sag 🙂 though I’m on the cusp so sometimes I am a ….Cap I guess you’d say! But usually Sag.

        I’m a bit shy too 🙂

        Love Clam O _ o o _ O

        Liked by 3 people

      • theipc

        This old thing???? HAHAHAH!!!! You’re so good to me!!!

        Yes!! I’ll go get one today but it will be old school and play vinyl records!! I might even pick up a cigarette machine… YES!! Beer and shots and French Onion Soup and Prime Rib!!! I LOVE THIS!!!

        CLAM is THE BEST!!!!

        Love Pen O _ o o _ O

        Liked by 2 people

      • emmakwall

        I wouldn’t have it any other way!!! I want to hear those records crackle!!!

        Oh god I wish this place did exist!!!! Beer, shots, soup, prime rib, cigarette machine. I feel like we’re in one big movie! I do actually make soup so maybe I could be on soup duty? I could be that dodgy waitress that always has a cigarette on the go, fag ash precariously hanging over the bowl. “she was put in with the foundations!”

        We need some neon signs as well!

        The IPC in bright pink Cocktail writing perhaps?

        Love Clam (Pen is the best!!!!!) O _ o o _ O

        Liked by 2 people

    • GaryGreg828

      Emma, the first 2 acts of “House of the Devil” are exceptional! Tom Noonan is just creepy as hell in such a subtle way; his presence just makes you uncomfortable. You’ll see for yourself. The problem with the film for me is it fell apart in the 3rd act, and w/ some minor tweaks, that could have been avoided. Isaacs forgives its shortcomings. I have a hard time. But Eric definitely is not alone. A lot of people love House of the Devil.

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
  10. By Hook Or By Book ~ Book Reviews, News, & Other Stuff

    Awesome post Eric! Those graphics are gorgeous! Your talents just continue to amaze me😃 The IPC is like a bistro! I like Emma’s idea of the IPC in neon pink. And she needs to wear her dominatrix boots! I’d definitely want to hang out and chow down on prime rib and French onion soup. Drat. Now I’m hungry!😃 I can’t believe you were held up😱 What a horrible experience! And I can relate to your insectephobia! I’m okay with ladybugs and butterflies, and that’s about it🐞🐞🐞 I can’t wait to hear about your out of body experiences!

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  11. sweetarchive

    Dear Eric, first of all, thank you so much for all these awesome answers, and I think this one is my favorite: “I totally fucking suck at messing with plastic bags…..!”, I mean… why would you…? LOL!!!!! I’m proudly taking one of your lovely pics and will use it on my blog with a HUGE dedication to the one and only IPC. I also think that the you being shy is amazingly cute and I’m not sure if it shows here but I am too, ha! #highfive
    great great great and…. great post!!!!! We love you too, dear:-))

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      THANK YOU!!!!! LOL – you should see me… I can never get chips open without them exploding all over the room, I can’t make Ziplocks work… and I normally bring two bottles of water to work in a Target bag. If I try and get one of those out on while I’m driving I usually end up spilling everything onto the floorboard and under my feet… it’s so weird!

      YAY SWEET REUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I love it!!!!

      Thank you SOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!! You are the best!!

      #shyies : )

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  13. V

    Certainly no #grossboobs here! You should watch The Inbetweeners! Also, are giraffes your favourite animal because of the one that got a boner while looking at you? That’s my favourite fact, I think. It also takes me forever to do posts, and I proof and proof and agonise, and proof some more before I can publish. You are one whole foot and two inches taller than me. I should watch Michael Clayton. This was a great awards post. I love the Most Beloveds award.

    Like

    Reply
  16. Tom

    D’aawwwwwwww! This post is so sweet/awesome/sexy/spicy/curry/nipples. Thanks for the love buddy, it’s definitely mutual! I’ll probably go ahead and take one of the clean versions as I don’t want to have a GaryLee situation. (I feel bad for you dude, that’s kind of lame that a co-worker would be such a Nosy Nelly.)

    Actually, what am I talking about? I don’t have a legit job! (Yet.) The only places I am consistently these days are in places where I can get free Wifi (having no internet at home is becoming a real pain in the a$$, I tell you what) — which includes such fine establishments like Starbucks, Panera bread and the UT campus library. So I suppose my biggest concern is having some fine southern gal stroll by and see such a strong banner/Shitfest-related material and then me with an awkward look on my face.

    All of this is to say thanks dude! Sorry i’ve been so out of it lately — it’s been too long.

    #werenotbreakingup #ihope

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      That would be great if you did, Mister Itch!!

      Don’t worry, I won’t break up with you. Absence makes my longing for your sweet, sweet ass even fonder!!

      Love,

      Ipes

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  17. caragale

    Awwww Eric aren’t you a sweetie! I’ll have to steal one of those pics for my site. Love it!!! Also, even though I know it’s scarred you and I shouldn’t laugh, I could not stop laughing about the giraffe thing. You’re just too damn tall, Giantess. It thinks you’re one of them… 😉

    Also, which Anna? AND KEEP YOUR CLOTHES ON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    #giantessandgiraffes
    #pooreric
    #xoxoxoxo
    #nodingdongs

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      : )))))))))))))))))))))))))))) #loveit

      I still love the Giraffe – I just can’t ever unsee a ten foot animal dong pointing in my direction……………. X _ X

      I DO!!!!

      #toooldtostreak
      #toooldtorun
      #xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
      #nodongs
      #itprobes

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  18. Zoë

    Dear PSC,

    Damn, I cannot believe that getting held up at gunpoint would be pleasant, that really sucks!

    I am confused… I thought you were terrified of giraffes cause of the creepy zoo incident?!

    Love,

    JJB

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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