THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY (1966)
Normally for these Half Ass Reviews I try and go off about something totally unrelated to the mainstream movie in question but, this time, I thought I’d give a true life tale about this thing. I don’t remember when it was that I tried to watch this – I think it was last summer, around the time I watched ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST (I think) and I fucking hated this movie SO MUCH that even I quit it. I remember facing some (usual) public shaming and even got a call from my friend Lem who told me to finish it or he was through looking at this site I created for him and I. I told him “OK” and re-ordered it and here we are.
This movie is three fucking hours long and I understand that this is a classic but for 2 and a half hours this movie irritated the fuck out of me. I hated the mono sound, the gunshots, that whistle noise, the guy who played The Ugly and just about everything else. But I am not too proud to admit that I thought the last thirty minutes were really fucking epic and I can see why this is so highly regarded. That run around the cemetery was amazing and that three way stand-off was absolutely brilliant. So – if you haven’t ever seen this and want to dip your balls into a classic western – and you hate noisy PYOW PYOW PYOW gunshots and whistling in general, skip the first 2.5 hours and check out the last 30 minutes.
A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES (2014)
Liam Neeson finally breaks out of the character he’s played in his last eight movies and plays a grizzled, old cop again. This time he teams up with the guy from THE GUEST and they travel, on horseback for some reason, searching for a particular cemetery which houses a grave filled with Confederate gold. Along the way, they smoke a lot of small cigars, tangle with The Union Army, blow up a bridge and have general misadventures while the director uses an irritating whistle sound effect constantly.
Upon arriving at the cemetery in question, Lee van Cleef rises from the dead and challenges the pair to a shootout. “That’s my money, you Yankee bastards!!!” he sneers, ratlike in his appearance. “I’ve got a very particular set of skills,” replies Neeson. “It involves me frowning, furrowing my brow and growling a lot.” “Fuck you! I was in THE NEBRASKAN!!!” van Cleef screams and blows the guy from THE GUEST’s pretty little face all over the South Dakota countryside. “That wasn’t part of the script…” Neeson mumbles, wondering how the female bloggers that read this site and lust after Dan Stevens will react. Having mutual respect for each other’s stony acting abilities, the two survivors split the money, van Cleef returns to his grave and Neeson rides off into the sunset texting someone about his giant cock.
And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.
Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at firstname.lastname@example.org