Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HALF ASS REVIEWS: THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY AND A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES

HAR

THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY (1966)

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Normally for these Half Ass Reviews I try and go off about something totally unrelated to the mainstream movie in question but, this time, I thought I’d give a true life tale about this thing. I don’t remember when it was that I tried to watch this – I think it was last summer, around the time I watched ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST (I think) and I fucking hated this movie SO MUCH that even I quit it. I remember facing some (usual) public shaming and even got a call from my friend Lem who told me to finish it or he was through looking at this site I created for him and I. I told him “OK” and re-ordered it and here we are.

This movie is three fucking hours long and I understand that this is a classic but for 2 and a half hours this movie irritated the fuck out of me. I hated the mono sound, the gunshots, that whistle noise, the guy who played The Ugly and just about everything else. But I am not too proud to admit that I thought the last thirty minutes were really fucking epic and I can see why this is so highly regarded. That run around the cemetery was amazing and that three way stand-off was absolutely brilliant. So – if you haven’t ever seen this and want to dip your balls into a classic western – and you hate noisy PYOW PYOW PYOW gunshots and whistling in general, skip the first 2.5 hours and check out the last 30 minutes.

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A WALK AMONG THE TOMBSTONES (2014)

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Liam Neeson finally breaks out of the character he’s played in his last eight movies and plays a grizzled, old cop again. This time he teams up with the guy from THE GUEST and they travel, on horseback for some reason, searching for a particular cemetery which houses a grave filled with Confederate gold.  Along the way, they smoke a lot of small cigars, tangle with The Union Army, blow up a bridge and have general misadventures while the director uses an irritating whistle sound effect constantly.

Upon arriving at the cemetery in question, Lee van Cleef rises from the dead and challenges the pair to a shootout. “That’s my money, you Yankee bastards!!!” he sneers, ratlike in his appearance. “I’ve got a very particular set of skills,” replies Neeson. “It involves me frowning, furrowing my brow and growling a lot.” “Fuck you! I was in THE NEBRASKAN!!!” van Cleef screams and blows the guy from THE GUEST’s pretty little face all over the South Dakota countryside. “That wasn’t part of the script…” Neeson mumbles, wondering how the female bloggers that read this site and lust after Dan Stevens will react. Having mutual respect for each other’s stony acting abilities, the two survivors split the money, van Cleef returns to his grave and Neeson rides off into the sunset texting someone about his giant cock.

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And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.

Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me

89 comments

    • theipc

      I watched a few episodes… I think over the years I’ve established my hatred for Danny McBride so I didn’t get too far into it….

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      Reply
      • GaryGreg828

        My favorite character is Stevie, his yes-man. No matter how stupid of a thing Kenny does, Stevie praises him for it. I just watched season 4 and thought it was pretty hilarious.

        Here is a dialogue from season 4 I thought you’d like:

        KENNY: It’s time I opened up a restaurant chain!
        STEVIE: (excited) Are you serious?
        KENNY: Mm, hm. It’s gonna be called T.N.T. Know what it stands for?
        STEVIE: Some kind of code, or something.
        KENNY: The first T is for Taters; the N is for and; and the final T is for…Tits.
        STEVIE: (awestruck) How, how on earth did you come up with that!?
        KENNY: How does any genius come up with his inventions?
        STEVIE: I say we rent one of those vacant kiosks in the mall.
        KENNY: Ok, I like that.
        STEVIE: And we’re gonna have hot waitresses with big titties poking out standing at the kiosk and people are gonna be walking by looking at our waitresses and smelling them potatoes cooking in the microwave!
        KENNY: That is exactly what the mall needs! I like your thinking. And we’re gonna have a huge side bar with lots of fixings. It’s gonna be called the “Sauce Rack” to stay consistent with our T.N.T. theme; each fixing will have a sexually charged name.
        STEVIE: Ooh, like Bacon bits will be “Bacon Tits”!
        KENNY: Yeah, that’s good!

        I’m not a Danny McBride fan, either, but he does a great job on this show. I don’t think I’ve liked him on any of the movies I’ve seen him on. I’m not sure which episodes you watched, but seasons 1&4 were hilarious, while seasons 2&3 were not very good.

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        LOL – Nice! I started watching the first season and just couldn’t handle him and then they had Will Farrell in an episode and I about puked!

        Like

      • GaryGreg828

        The Will Farrell character is extremely over-the-top w/ his Ric Flair wig. Stevie is over-the-top, too, but is still so hilarious.

        Did you see this scene from season 1:

        (Kenny driving; Stevie riding passenger)
        KENNY: This new direction of my life has got me thinking about us…
        STEVIE: Really? Like in a good way?
        KENNY: No, I wouldn’t say that. I think I’m gonna have to let you go.
        STEVIE: Kenny, don’t do this. This isn’t happening!
        KENNY: This isn’t about you. This is about me.
        STEVIE: Okay, okay, fine, I’m not your assistant anymore. From now on I will just be your friend.
        KENNY: But then every time I saw you I’d just be tempted to boss you around and make you do stuff for me. We can’t have that.
        STEVIE: I hope we get in a fuckin’ car wreck! Right now a motherfuckin’ car wreck and we both die so that we can go to Heaven and be together.
        KENNY: I’m not going to get into a car wreck because I’m an excellent driver. (sips a can of beer as he drives)
        STEVIE: You’re excellent at everything. Makes me sick!

        LOL. It’s just so funny to me how Stevie doesn’t see the reality is that Kenny isn’t good at anything. lol.

        Liked by 1 person

      • GaryGreg828

        Yeah, finished it a while ago. I thought it was decent, but honestly the guy who plays Foggy is annoying and I don’t care for Karen, either. I think the guy who plays Matt/Daredevil is pretty good, though. Overall, i think the show is good, but I wouldn’t say great. Did you finish it yet?

        Liked by 1 person

  7. Mel @ The Creative Fox Den

    Since we’re all being honest here, I never really liked Clint Eastwood (I know to some people this is sacrilege) but ever since I watched The Gauntlet when I was younger I thought he, and his movies, were just ridiculous. That’s not to say I don’t appreciate him and see why everyone else likes him but I really don’t like his squinty face and growly voice. Ugh. Anyways, because of my distaste for him, I never watched The Good, The Bad and The Ugly, but I might just take your advice and watch the last 30 minutes.

    Liked by 3 people

    Reply
  8. Justine B.

    I’ll forgive you for talking shit about Ant-Man (which could suck, in all fairness) but The Good, the Bad and the Ugly is probably in my top 5 favorite films of all time. But you’re right, the last 30 minutes are the most epic. And I agree with Telltale Mind, Lee Van Cleef would’ve totally owned Tombstones.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  16. caragale

    Had no idea Dan Stevens was in A Walk Among the Tombstones! Might have to give that one a chance now. As for The Good, the Bad and the Ugly…never seen it. I want to, but now I’m kind of afraid to…Lol. Nice work, Giantess!!!

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  18. Lem

    Sorry I missed this before – the funny thing is the first several times I watched Good,Bad,Ugly it was on TV – w commercials so it was 4 1/2 or 5 hours … The end is phenomenal – little things throughout too though – anyone else think Tarantino’s opening scene in Inglorious Basterds with the milk at the table – etc was influenced by that opening scene in good bad ug – glad you made it through – the next band will be called “the arch stantons” or maybe just “arch Stanton”

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      No problem, Lemuel! I’m sure it was!

      Jeez – that would have been a show stopper for me. I barely made it through this version (no matter how good the end was)

      That sounds good – much better than Lights on Night Highways….!

      : )

      Like

      Reply

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