Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HALF ASS REVIEWS: EDGE OF DARKNESS AND SUSPECT ZERO

HAR

EDGE OF DARKNESS (2010)

eod1Mel Gibson comes back from exile and plays a sad, old, detective. One night he is sitting around drinking milk and watching The Late Show with Johnny Carson and his estranged daughter shows up. She’s clearly sick and dying with radiation poisoning but two thugs show up at his doorstep anyway and blast her to smithereens. Using a shotgun, they pump one round of lead into her stomach and she goes flying thirty feet across the living room. After showcasing how powerfully he can cry, Gibson spends the rest of the movie hunting down the Director of Photography and the Stunt Coordinator, investigating the conspiracy of why they put that idiotic and regretful shotgun scene in the movie.eod2

Along the way he beats some people up and scowls and looks like he’s 90 but the most interesting thing to take from this is that, standing next to ANYONE else in the cast, he’s clearly only about three feet tall.

SUSPECT ZERO (2004)

SZ1Aaron Eckhart’s cleaved chin escapes from his face and searches the country for Ben Kingsley’s enormous, missing nose. The nose may or may not be killing people who may or may not be serial killers. sz2

There’s nothing at all outstanding about this bland movie to write about unless we wanted to talk about that dumb scene with the ice cream truck but we won’t. Instead let’s remember how hot Carrie Anne Moss was in The Matrix and how amazing her ass looked in that leather suit.

sz3

And then, because our mind is drifting away from this boring thing about psychics and serial killers, let’s just take a few minutes to pay homage to Monica Bellucci.

sz4

You’re welcome.

And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.

Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me 

110 comments

    • theipc

      Kidney!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      We’ve been away too long!!!

      Correct!!! Both of these are erm…………….

      Love,

      Sugar Pappy!!

      Like

    • theipc

      These were both what I would consider Busy Work. Yep – he’s still around, shuffling along a three foot tall.

      P.S. I’m back to work after five days off and I fucking hate it.

      #shitonthis

      Liked by 1 person

      • Shit, that’s SHIT! We’re on a bank holiday today which basically means lounging on the sofa, interneting, watching films and waiting for my dinner to finish roasting. I’ll start to dread work at about 8pm tonight.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Well, just started watching Foxcatcher but it was SOOOOOOO BORING I had to turn it off after 30 minutes. That thing is 2 hrs 15 minutes long! Looking for something else now…

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        That movie looks SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO goddamned boring……..

        #shitonthatshit

        Liked by 1 person

      • Yep. 30 minutes and NOTHING HAPPENS. It might be a bonus day off today but I don’t want to TOTALLY waste my time. Just started The Signal. Have you seen it?

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        UMMMMMMMMM Is it the one with A.J. Bowen? I’ve seen that one and I LOVED it. If it’s the one with Fishburne – I started it and was liking it but never finished it….

        Liked by 1 person

      • I saw the 2007 one and just remember being weirded out. Maybe I should watch it again? The one I’ve got queued up now is the 2014 one with Fishburne…

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I really liked the 2007 one – but the third act was a little questionable…… Sweet – let me know how you like it? I was watching it one day and then got busy and never got to finish it. I thought it was going OK though….

        Like

  1. I quite liked the shotgun scene. Let’s be honest, we all knew the daughter was getting killed off at some point, but like that! The opening was really slow and then BAM! Most memorable death in quite some time.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. GaryGreg828

    I saw “Edge of Darkness” at the theater and liked it. I bought the “Suspect Zero” DVD a couple years back and put it on and was bored and after about 20-30 minutes shut it off. Did you finish it? lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “Aaron Eckhart’s cleaved chin escapes from his face and searches the country for Ben Kingsley’s enormous, missing nose.” – now THAT is a movie I’d be willing to pay full price for in the cinema 🙂

    Love Clam! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Liked by 2 people

  4. The mental image of Aaron Eckhart’s little chin escaping and battling Ben Kingsley’s lost nose is probably the best thing I have experienced this entire day. My god. Genius. Why don’t people make movies like that anymore?

    #nosies
    #chinsies
    #battletothedeathsies

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Tom

    Sir Ipesness,

    These were two epically funny Half-Assed reviews. I’d like to get in on the action. Do I just pick 2 films to write up or how does this work???

    Love and peach creams,

    T-Brit

    Liked by 1 person

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