WARNING: THIS EDITION OF HALF ASS REVIEWS IS NSFW
MAPS TO THE STARS (2015)
In this movie, Julianne Moore plays an aging alcoholic, pill taking actress who screws Robert Pattinson and gets involved in a three way. In this mainstream movie, shortly after the three way is over, the viewer is subjected to look at a semi-erect, uncircumcised penis, which I was not very fond of. Aside from The Penis and the sex, this has something to do with a ghost and a fucked up girl who wants to marry her brother. While the acting was decent enough, I didn’t really care about anything that happened in this movie and Cronenberg proves how he might not have anything left as he resorts to killing a dog.
#nobonerforcroner
Since I can’t seem to find any pics of that awkward three way / chub – here’s a shot of Julianne Moore’s tit and let’s all forget this movie ever happened.
SISTERS (1973)
In this thing, Margot Kidder plays a Siamese Twi – shit, you can’t say that anymore, right? Um – Kidder plays a Nepalese Twin who gets detached with an ax in front of a bunch of people, filmed with some sort of 18th century film stock. Oh wait, hang on. Kidder plays a lonely woman who has a one night stand with this dude and then her detached, prison-shithouse-crazy sister kills him. Or was it her because she’s out of her medication? Or was it the fucking guy with the thing on his fucking head? What’s with Cronenberg and skin lesions? So it is her? Or it’s not? I thought the sister was dead during the flashback scene? But then the doctor killed them both. But she’s alive at the end. What’s going on with that fucking couch??? I have no idea what happened in the middle of this movie and I don’t think I’ll be able to recover.
And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.
Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me
wow! u and I agree that a movie sucks!!! Just reviewed MTTS yesterday 🙂
Hated it so much 🙂
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Man – I spent all day yesterday changing out the spark plugs in my truck… remember when that used to be easy????
I’ll check out your review soon! Stupid movie!
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Its always easy if u go to a mechanic 😉
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Hello!!! 400 bucks at the mechanic! 60 bucks (for the plugs) and some labor to do it myself!
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” the viewer is subjected to look at a semi-erect, uncircumcised penis, which I was not very fond of.”
HAHAHAHA!!! I was also not fond of that moment, though it was funny seeing people squirm uncomfortably in the cinema!!
No boner for Croner eh? I actually really liked Maps, I love mindfuck movies.
A Napalese Twin!! HAHAHA!!! Ahhhhh dude I fucking love these reviews, I really wanna do one myself but I don’t know what movie to pick!!
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Fair enough to me!! I didn’t like it at all – although I concede it’s well made. Enough with the fucking dog killings.
LOL – Bring it, mister!
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Eric, I didn’t read all the way thru your “Maps To The Stars” write-up b/c I’ve been considering watching it. Do you think it’s my kind of film? I’ve been on the fence.
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No – I don’t think you’d like it at all.
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*In case any of you are interested, I rebooted my movie blog, and wanted to share a link to my TOP 10 FILMS of 2014 entry: https://garygreg828.wordpress.com/2015/05/06/belated-top-10-films-of-2014/
It’d be cool if any of you wanted to stop by and let me know what what you think of my list – and also send me a link of your top films of 2014.
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(I commented on that last week : ) check your spam!) (or your pending comments) I’ve been surprised you haven’t replied….
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Yeah, we exchanged messages on there last week. And I found your recommendations on YouTube. I plan to watch them this week. *Also, I DM’ed you a link to my first YouTube video on my new YouTube channel (still under construction).
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I thought we did! I’ve been very busy with tornado season on us…. I’ll check it out as soon as I can!
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Holy mother of pink ! Jullianne Moore ?
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In all of her glory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nice to hear from you!!!!! x x
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Not a fan of semi-erect, uncircumcised penises eh? lol
Haven’t seen the first film though I may at some point. No desire to see the second one as I can’t stand Margot Kidder.
Love these half-ass reviews. lol
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Not really!!
#truth
I don’t mind Kidder I just didn’t get what the fuck the thing was about…..
Thank you, sir!
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I hadn’t heard of either of these and now I’m so glad! I’m a little surprised that Julianne Moore would be in a movie like that. And again with the dog killing! When will it end?!😕😕😕
#nobonerforcroner
#hah
#layoffthepooches
#happymonday
#loveeric
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It was a little surprising seeing her get banged by a bunch of people….. weird!
STOP KILLING THE PETS. ENOUGH. WE GET IT.
#nobonerforcroner
#happymondaysweetestkim
#tornadofreeforacoupleofdays
#lovekim
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#semierectbonerforcroner ;P
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HA!!!!!
#uncircumsizedweenus
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Sweet Pappy
Does not sound like the best thing yet. Meh. Your review was fun though!
Love,
Kidney
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Sweetest Kidney,
Nope!!
#boilermakers
Love,
Sugar Pappy!
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Hmmmmm, neither of these looks like it will be tickling my fancy, likely just to skip them both! Oh well. Great job!
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I took these for the team, JJB. Let’s just move along now.
x x x
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#nobonerforcroner is the best hashtag ever! Sisters is a mindfuck though, I remember watching it and having no idea what was going on but also not really wanting to watch it again to figure out where I got lost. Strange, strange film.
#hashtaggies
#nepalesetwinsies
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This was actually a recommendation for me to watch by someone who doesn’t look out here any longer. I had NO IDEA what the fuck was going on. At all.
#nobonerforcroneries
#nepalesies
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Was it the erectness or the uncircumcisedness that was offensive to your eyes?
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Abbi, dear. Since I am all about honesty here I’ll have to admit that it was the uncircumsisedness that bothered me…. I’ve seen plenty of dongs in my life but the sheathiness of them gives me the creeps.
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That is such an American thing. The rest of us are so unbothered.
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Fair enough! Neither type are really my thing, actually.
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It really is a cultural phenomenon that fascinates me though. It seems most Americans have never even seen a hooded one in the flesh (pun intended).
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HAHAHA!!!!! I never have…. just TV…
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….. yikes…. these sound horrible!! You are hilarious though so, once again, your pain is our gain 🙂
#nobonerforcroner Hhahaahahahahahahahah!!!
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Melissa!!!!!!
Maybe some people will like them…. I didn’t…….
#nobonersforcroners
#satanicbesties
Happy Monday!!!!
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I don’t think it’s for me either. We’re USUALLY on the same page. Haha!
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99% my #satanicbestie !!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I’m satisfied with 99%
🙂 🙂 🙂
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Me too!!!!!!!!
#99percenties
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#nooatmeal
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#yesoatmeal
#itsgoodforyou
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#nonononononononono
#mushygrossness
#fruit
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#mushydeliciousness
#nomnomnom
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!
#pineapplesandoranges
#andcantaloupeandstrawberries
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Remember that night when we were doing a little docking and got stuck and couldn’t unjoin and we toured Europe as Siamese twins?
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That’s one of the greatest memories of my life!
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I miss those days…
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So do I, ma’am….. so do I……
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Is docking what I think you’re talking about?
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I’ll have to let Brian answer that one….
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Oh give me a clue.
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It has something to do with homosexuality…
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I think I know what you’re talking about now.
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Appendages are pretty ugly anyway, I mean…I’ve never seen a pretty one!
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Are you referring to the post-three-way business I saw????
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Yes!!!! O _ o o _ O
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IT WAS AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#nogood
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We had an interesting conversation regarding appendages didn’t we?
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Hahaha! We certainly did!
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Very interesting.
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You found it quite amusing if I recall 🙂
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Very amusing.
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Hee hee! We do have a laugh on here 🙂
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We certainly do.
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Maps to the Stars was just not a good movie. I like weird shit just as much as the next guy but that movie is just… no.
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Yep!!! That whole burning alive thing was just too stupid to take.
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Worst fake fire ever.
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HAHA!!!! TRUTH!
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Nice write-ups! I was planning on seeing Map to the Stars, but now it seems like a bizarre waste of time. Sounds like Hollywood, hehe!
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Thank you thank you!!!!!
I wouldn’t recommend that one at all. It’s TOTALLY Hollywood bullshit – – ABOUT HOLLYWOOD!!!
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Julianne Moore tends to take a lot of these fuck-up roles. She’s either the unfit mother/ rock singer, the drunk actress or the drug addicted porn star. What’s that about? I used to love her as an actress, but she’s getting to be quite repetitive…
Thank god for your hilarious reviews, Eric. These no good films would have no purpose if it wasn’t for you 🙂
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I feel the same way!!!! We’re a perfect match!!!
Happy Monday, sweet Reut!!!!!!
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You feel the same about Juli or the no good films, or both? I think we are!! ☺ happy Monday, Sweet Eric!
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About BOTH, my beautifully coiffed friend!
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;-))))))))))) #smoooooch
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#SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCH
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#nobonerforcroner. Genius.
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Rock out with your cock out!
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Is it wrong to almost look forward yo your take on a bad film haha
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Never wrong!!!!!!
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More tits please.
Sorry, I am half asleep and I totally missed the obvious joke. Let me start again, please.
Moore tits please.
Bada boosh!
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BAM! That just happened!
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The first one sounds meh and the second one sounds…very confusing, Probemeister!!! Sound like a kind of lame batch this time, bud. However, #nobonerforcroner did come out of it, so I call that a win!!! A+!!! 😀
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A+???????????? You are just the best Hooker ever!!!!!
#itprobes
#xoxoxox
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Cronenberg lost me with Cosomopolis and I’m afraid to watch this one Especially with all of the dead dogs and semi erect dicks that are not my own. Sisters is a cool flick . Early DePalma movies are a lot of fun.
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Maps was just bullshit.
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Cosmopolis was SO SHIT! Seriously, unforgivibaly bad. I’m not sure I’ve ever fully recovered.
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*unforgivably
Please excuse my fat fingers.
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It is forgiven.
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Dear Eric,
I’ve no idea to see Maps is Cosbollocksis is anything to go by. Sisters is just weird and creepy.
Yours truly,
Nerd
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Dear Nerd,
Good call!!! I took this for the team. You’re felcome!
Yours,
ei
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Dear ei,
You win!
Yours,
Nerd
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Nerd,
We win. W.E.
Yours,
ei
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#winning
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#filmnerdrules
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#noyoudo
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#thewebothdo
#twodos
#doodoo
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Great post Eric, so funny.
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Whoop!!
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I gotta sign off and finish some unpacking, be back on here tomorrow buddy.
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See ya later…
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So you’re not a fan of the uncircumcised penis then Eric? Hehe.
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NOPE!!
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What do you have against it? hehe.
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It’s just not my cup of tea, so to speak…
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I take it you’re circumcised then.
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I was thinking of renting some movies today and the Map to the Stars one was on my list. OH MAN sounds like crap I am going to skip that one!! It’s one of those movies that looks so pretentious and tries so hard that it just ends up being a piece of shite (that’s with a Scottish accent).
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Yes – Maps SUCKED! Hopefully I saved you five bucks!!
#ballersforlife
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YOU DID!!! Sounds lame as hell. 🙂
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It really was!! Fucking stupid movie!
#savingballers
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Croner gets no #boners that should be one of your types of ratings. 1-4 Boners.. 1 being the lamest of all.
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HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!! I LOVE IT!!!!
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HAHAHA!!
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It was so great hearing from you!!!
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Aww thanks dude!!!
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Never heard of either of these! Totally not a fan of either director.
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HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
#hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
#lies
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