Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HALF ASS REVIEWS: MAPS TO THE STARS AND SISTERS

WARNING: THIS EDITION OF HALF ASS REVIEWS IS NSFW

HAR

MAPS TO THE STARS (2015)

MAPS1

In this movie, Julianne Moore plays an aging alcoholic, pill taking actress who screws Robert Pattinson and gets involved in a three way. In this mainstream movie, shortly after the three way is over, the viewer is subjected to look at a semi-erect, uncircumcised penis, which I was not very fond of. Aside from The Penis and the sex, this has something to do with a ghost and a fucked up girl who wants to marry her brother. While the acting was decent enough, I didn’t really care about anything that happened in this movie and Cronenberg proves how he might not have anything left as he resorts to killing a dog.

#nobonerforcroner

Since I can’t seem to find any pics of that awkward three way / chub – here’s a shot of Julianne Moore’s tit and let’s all forget this movie ever happened.
MAPS5

SISTERS (1973)SISTERS1

In this thing, Margot Kidder plays a Siamese Twi – shit, you can’t say that anymore, right? Um – Kidder plays a Nepalese Twin who gets detached with an ax in front of a bunch of people, filmed with some sort of 18th century film stock. Oh wait, hang on. Kidder plays a lonely woman who has a one night stand with this dude and then her detached, prison-shithouse-crazy sister kills him. Or was it her because she’s out of her medication? Or was it the fucking guy with the thing on his fucking head? What’s with Cronenberg and skin lesions? So it is her? Or it’s not? I thought the sister was dead during the flashback scene? But then the doctor killed them both. But she’s alive at the end. What’s going on with that fucking couch??? I have no idea what happened in the middle of this movie and I don’t think I’ll be able to recover. SISTERS2

And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.

Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me 

116 comments

  2. Jordan Dodd

    ” the viewer is subjected to look at a semi-erect, uncircumcised penis, which I was not very fond of.”

    HAHAHAHA!!! I was also not fond of that moment, though it was funny seeing people squirm uncomfortably in the cinema!!

    No boner for Croner eh? I actually really liked Maps, I love mindfuck movies.

    A Napalese Twin!! HAHAHA!!! Ahhhhh dude I fucking love these reviews, I really wanna do one myself but I don’t know what movie to pick!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      Fair enough to me!! I didn’t like it at all – although I concede it’s well made. Enough with the fucking dog killings.

      LOL – Bring it, mister!

      Like

      Reply
  3. GaryGreg828

    Eric, I didn’t read all the way thru your “Maps To The Stars” write-up b/c I’ve been considering watching it. Do you think it’s my kind of film? I’ve been on the fence.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      (I commented on that last week : ) check your spam!) (or your pending comments) I’ve been surprised you haven’t replied….

      Like

      Reply
      • GaryGreg828

        Yeah, we exchanged messages on there last week. And I found your recommendations on YouTube. I plan to watch them this week. *Also, I DM’ed you a link to my first YouTube video on my new YouTube channel (still under construction).

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        I thought we did! I’ve been very busy with tornado season on us…. I’ll check it out as soon as I can!

        Like

  10. Anna (Film Grimoire)

    #nobonerforcroner is the best hashtag ever! Sisters is a mindfuck though, I remember watching it and having no idea what was going on but also not really wanting to watch it again to figure out where I got lost. Strange, strange film.

    #hashtaggies
    #nepalesetwinsies

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      This was actually a recommendation for me to watch by someone who doesn’t look out here any longer. I had NO IDEA what the fuck was going on. At all.

      #nobonerforcroneries
      #nepalesies

      Like

      Reply
  17. sweetarchive

    Julianne Moore tends to take a lot of these fuck-up roles. She’s either the unfit mother/ rock singer, the drunk actress or the drug addicted porn star. What’s that about? I used to love her as an actress, but she’s getting to be quite repetitive…
    Thank god for your hilarious reviews, Eric. These no good films would have no purpose if it wasn’t for you 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  21. caragale

    The first one sounds meh and the second one sounds…very confusing, Probemeister!!! Sound like a kind of lame batch this time, bud. However, #nobonerforcroner did come out of it, so I call that a win!!! A+!!! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  22. The Vern

    Cronenberg lost me with Cosomopolis and I’m afraid to watch this one Especially with all of the dead dogs and semi erect dicks that are not my own. Sisters is a cool flick . Early DePalma movies are a lot of fun.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  26. snapcracklewatch

    I was thinking of renting some movies today and the Map to the Stars one was on my list. OH MAN sounds like crap I am going to skip that one!! It’s one of those movies that looks so pretentious and tries so hard that it just ends up being a piece of shite (that’s with a Scottish accent).

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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