*SPOILERS AHEAD IF YOU FEEL LIKE WATCHING THIS SHIT*
Each week I watch lots of movies that I get from Netflix – DVDs of things that are usually shit and I come out here and report on them. Each Tuesday I download a movie from iTunes and watch it on Friday while I wait for the clock to turn over so I can go home after a shitty week at work. Sometimes these are good and sometimes bad but I like this routine because the iTunes shit is usually MODERN (and HD). Sometimes I look at the trailer and there’s a bunch of violence and half naked chicks slinking and writhing around in their underwear or taking a steamy shower and I rent it and sometimes it pays off. And then sometimes I run afoul of shit like Muck.
Let’s set this up – this opens with five (or six) youths bleeding and crawling around in some swamp in the middle of the night. One of the chicks is only in her underwear and the other two are half dressed. One of the dudes is bleeding badly and they don’t know where they are. They head to a house, break in and one of them goes upstairs, strips and takes a shower. There is NO explanation as to who these people are, why they are where they are, why they are unclothed and why this guy is bleeding so bad. Then the opening credits roll and it’s some chick with her tits out wandering around in the swamp for ten minutes, looking scared and lost. This character has nothing to do with anything else and showcases the most pointless nudity I’ve seen since Halle Berry showed her tits in Swordfish.
The reason behind their appearance in this swamp is never fucking explained. Neither are the stark white baddies in this movie or what the fuck Kane Hodder is supposed to represent. This movie goes like this: TITS, TALKING, TITS, TALKING, TITS, TALKING, BAD GUYS SHOW UP, TITS, TALKING, TITS, TALKING, BRAS, VIOLENCE, VIOLENCE, TITS, TITS, VIOLENCE, TALKING, SHOVELS, TITS, SWAMP, TITS, END. This fucking thing makes no sense whatsoever and it was kind of miserable. And then there’s just unnecessary shit thrown in for filler (I guess). Like – there’s this one scene where two girls and a guy are in a shitty, dive bar. The chick with the big tits wants to get laid so she goes into the bar’s bathroom with nothing but her purse. The bathroom looks like it’s in some sort of brand new house, complete with flowers and clean doors and mirrors an she promptly tries on ten different bras for five minutes. So….. she went out to the bar with ten bras shoved in her purse? What the hell?
There’s another bit where one of the leads – the only who hadn’t shown her rack yet, gets captured by the albinos. While, previously, they had been vicious killing machines showing no mercy, they take her down to the basement, hold her arms up and rip her clothes off. Then they throw her through a window and she’s dead. I know you all know that I’m a big fan of The Boobs – and I don’t even mind when nudity is thrown in for no reason – but the nudity in this is almost stupid. I was hoping this would at least be fun in it’s own right but it wasn’t. At all.
If you’re like me and want to know something about this movie you just watched, even though it’s usually best to just avoid the IMDB boards, apparently this is a crowd funded run at making a trilogy. As it turns out, this is the planned SECOND movie of the three and the sequel will be the first explaining what the motherfuckers are doing in the swamp in the first place. Well, guess what? They ALL die so who gives a fuck? Shit on this thing.