STARMAN (1984)
In this internationally controversial thriller from avant-garde filmmaker John Carpenter, Jeff Bridges (just before his 80th birthday) plays an alien from another planet who intercepts one of the Voyager probes. He gives it a good probing and then heads to Earth with the intention of doing some Earth-woman fucking. When he finally arrives, he is set upon by the U.S. government and crash lands in the Great Plains of the United States. There, he finds his way into the chick from Raiders of the Lost Ark’s pants and they make a baby that is nothing but a blue ball of light. “I made you a baby”, he says acting weird.
Like my own biological father, he bolts on the baby’s mom, leaving her to raise the baby with no help in sight aside from some poor immigrants from the lovely world of Czechoslovakia. I’m not sure if that last part is really true – are any of these ever??? – but the film ends with the guy from everything you’ve ever seen before (Charles Martin Smith) watching Bridges disappear into the cosmos, leaving his baby behind. Does he take care of the thing like an adopted Daddy? Does he split, Easy Rider style into the sunset? Has he had a few cocktails and doesn’t know what that plumbing noise is that’s coming from his interior front closet??? Has his beard gotten too long and needs a serious trim? You’ll never know until you see the mesmerizing, polarizing, critically acclaimed sequel:
INTERSTELLAR (2014)
Starman’s Baby is now in it’s thirties and Jeff Bridges is 120 years old, but still doing some acting. Christopher Nolan directs this epic about the life and eventual death of Starman’s Baby giving us a year by year account of everything that happens in its life, from small blue ball of light to white-haired and frail, never skipping through anything, rendering an epic run time of 1,266 minutes. Watch as Starman’s Baby learns to fly! Listen as Starman’s Baby learns to yodel! Behold as Starman’s Baby gets angry and scorches the earth, killing thousands! Patiently observe Starman’s Baby’s 3,000 parsec trip to another galaxy to become a black hole and die a tragic death!
Don’t miss the post credits sequence when Starman’s Baby and James Doohan look down from Heaven on the pitiful humans of Earth as they toil away in their cornfields and dusty schools!
And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC!! Have a GREAT week!
‘Controversial thriller.’ lol That is a fantastic way to describe Starman. This was probably the best Half-Ass review I ever read. Starman’s baby scorches the Earth. Genius!
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Lol! Those mixed relationships were pretty dicey back in the 80s!
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They sure were! 🙂
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#true
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This Interstellar sounds A LOT better than the one I saw!!!
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Who the what the??? Hello! It must have been a different cut here in the states….
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Hah!😂 I think you just might have outdone yourself Eric!
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HA HA, sweet Kim!!!!! Starman made a baby!
#lovekim
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So wrong!!!
#youcantpick
#yourparents
#wheresyourhat
#notornadoes
#loveeric
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And they made the baby on a pile of hay, no less!!
#itchy
#nothanks
#wheresyourhat
#tornadofree
#fornow
#lovekim
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Blech!
#scratchy
#tomlovedrocky
#satanictwisters
#goodweek
#manyhugs
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Tag 2 = YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
#wedidit
#sweetkim
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Woo Hoo!
#thankstoyou
#manyhugs
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Love it!!!
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😙😙😙😙😙
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Happy Monday to me!!!!
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The happiest Eric! I hope you have a good week.
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You too, my dear!!
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😎😎😎😎😎
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< 3
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I just read the most amazing half arsed review and then the most brilliant, funniest three comments as well! Sterling!!!!!!!!
What you wrote about Jeff Bridges’ age was really cracking me up! Clever putting both films together. I’ve not seen either!
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My dear Clam!!!!!
Happy Monday!!! I’m off today and I’m getting ready to watch a movie in bed! How about that action?? I hope you have a GREAT week!!!!
Love Pen!!
P.S. #extras
Xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Dearest Pen! I am very pleased for you and extremely jealous as well!!!! O _ o o _ O
Happy Monday! But we know what Mondays can do ———————–> !!!!!!!!!!
Sounds like the perfect action Dear Pen! What you watching?
I have next Monday off!!!!!! So only 4 more days – after today – of torture! (get the violins out….)
Love Clam!!!! O _ o o _ O xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Clam!!
I just started watching something called Extraterrestrial…. We’ll see how it goes! The countdown is on!!
Love Pen!!!!!
P. S. XXXXXXXXXX < 3 XXXXXXXXXXX
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Woohoo!!! I saw on Twitter you were enjoying it, can’t wait to read the review!!!
“it’s the final…countdown!” (say what?!)
Love Clam!!!! O _ o o _ O ❤ ❤ ❤
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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< 3 < 3 < 3 < 3 < 3 < 3 < 3 < 3
#extras
#cheeks
Love Pen!!
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❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤
#cheeky #extras #pens!
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#tuesdaydongs
That’s cracking me up!!!!
#cheeks
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#wednesdayschlongs
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#thursdaytodgers
#helloladies
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Inter-stellar-esting.
That didn’t work as well as it did in my head.
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Things rarely do for me….
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Still made me laugh. Or my head is truly taking this exam brain thing too far…
I just don’t know anymore!
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Are you ‘spaced’ out? Boom! Keep em coming people!
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Great work buddy. And I have great news, I saw Fury Road and it fucking ruled. Expect a review very soon.
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FUCK YES!!!!
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I’m feeling so pumped after watching it.
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I know the feeling!!
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I think it’s safe to say I jizzed watching it.
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Join the club!
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I see I’m in good company.
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Top marks brother. Now get cracking on our Jaws review!
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I’m on it! Gonna watch today!
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Good lad!
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I try!
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This is the best review I’ve read of Interstellar.
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HA HA thanks Abbi!!!!
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I had no idea that Intersteller is the sequel to Starman but it makes sense. Umm Good review Eric but not enough boobs. I nominated you for a Dragon’s Loyalty award. Hopefully there will be more semi naked girls in your next post https://videovortex.wordpress.com/2015/05/18/the-vern-honors-some-great-online-critics/
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THE IPC: reporting the truth no one has ever heard of!
THANKS MAN!
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Dear ei, this is genuinely hilarious! Good work. Interstellar sounds a lot like the version of 2001 I saw not that long ago. God, what an intergalactic snooze-fest that was [yawn]. I haven’t seen either of these. Do you think I should?
Yours,
fn
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Dear fn,
I don’t think you’d like either of these, honestly. The only reason I ever watched Starman as a kid was because it was directed by John Carpenter. It’s really cheesy. Interstellar is almost three hours long – it’s GOOD – but it’s long and the end is a little iffy….
Yours,
ei
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Dear ei,
Hmm… Starman seems to be on TV quite a lot but I’ve never been compelled to watch it, even though John Carpenter is the shit.
Interstellar was popular and I wanted to see it for about a minute then the urge passed. Maybe I should give it a go. I watch a lot of shit, after all, why not this?
Watching a bad film now called Private Number. I should go to sleep but it’s quite bad which obviously provides plenty of material for out here so I might persist, or maybe come back tomorrow.
Yours,
fn
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Dear fn,
Starman is 80s sci-fi so….. #toss-up
Interstellar is Inception’s baby. It’s really good but it’s long and full of plot holes you might hate. Private Number sounds like more fun!
#BloodLake
#BuckWild
Yours,
ei
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Dear ei,
It’s probably a no to Starman, at least while I’ve got so much shitty horror to watch. I liked Inception although in my mind it’s kind of mixed up with Shutter Island which I thought was disappointing and derivative.
Did you see the films I put forward for the live project?
In other news, this film has Tom Sizemore, Judd Nelson and the blonde girl from Beethoven. Weird.
Yours,
fn
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My dearest fn,
Have you not seen my references? I’ve been hustling Blood Lake and Buck Wild all over the place… ?? Did I miss something???
Concerned,
ei
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Ah, yes I did but I had also suggested some options but I don’t think you’ve seen them : (
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Here??? On twitter? I must have not got them : ((((((( email?
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Boooooo! In here, somewhere… I’ll have a look tomorrow to see if I can find it. I can’t actually remember what the films were. Dammit! Bedtime now. Have a nice evening. Let’s talk films again tomorrow.
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Let’s talk! Before bed!!
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P. S. Just tell me when you want to do this shit!
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Cool. Weekend or weekday? Time difference trickery is doable, right?
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Dear fn,
Weekday, your time is best for me : ) : )
Love,
ei
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A movie and its sequel!!! Is this a first for the Half Assed segment??? That mischievous Starman’s baby, destroying our planet and whatnot. 😉
P.S. I’ve never seen Starman, but it’s funny you did this because my mom just mentioned this not too long ago. Should I check it out for a spry, 80-year-old Jeff Bridges???
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Starman is OK – it’s very 80s-ish but it’s not too bad…
#itwatches
#itprobes
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Hahaha! Nicely done!
I am a big fan of Interstellar, flaws and all. It was just.. wow. Nolan truly can do no wrong in my eyes.
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I liked it too – my biggest problem with it came “after” the black hole…
#jupiter
Love,
ISC
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I think my biggest issue was the “love transcends all” scenario.
JB
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I thought it was pretty ridiculous that somehow they just found him floating near Jupiter in the infinite darkness of space.
Also – whatsherface is going to be 200 years old when he finds her again.
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Don’t ever diss Christopher Nolan in front of Zoe she will cut u! lol
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
#shank
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You think I am kidding she will #dontfckwithZ
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She’s a tiny assassin!
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Hahahaha one of the best ones yet, dunno how I missed this one. Making Interstellar a sequel to the first one was priceless. Great stuff as always Eric!
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Thanks, my Australian friend!!!!
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No worries my American brother! 😀
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Keep on truckin’!
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