Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HALF ASS REVIEWS: STARMAN AND INTERSTELLAR

HAR

STARMAN (1984)starman1

In this internationally controversial thriller from avant-garde filmmaker John Carpenter, Jeff Bridges (just before his 80th birthday) plays an alien from another planet who intercepts one of the Voyager probes. He gives it a good probing and then heads to Earth with the intention of doing some Earth-woman fucking. When he finally arrives, he is set upon by the U.S. government and crash lands in the Great Plains of the United States. There, he finds his way into the chick from Raiders of the Lost Ark’s pants and they make a baby that is nothing but a blue ball of light. “I made you a baby”, he says acting weird.starman2

Like my own biological father, he bolts on the baby’s mom, leaving her to raise the baby with no help in sight aside from some poor immigrants from the lovely world of Czechoslovakia. I’m not sure if that last part is really true – are any of these ever??? – but the film ends with the guy from everything you’ve ever seen before (Charles Martin Smith) watching Bridges disappear into the cosmos, leaving his baby behind. Does he take care of the thing like an adopted Daddy? Does he split, Easy Rider style into the sunset? Has he had a few cocktails and doesn’t know what that plumbing noise is that’s coming from his interior front closet??? Has his beard gotten too long and needs a serious trim? You’ll never know until you see the mesmerizing, polarizing, critically acclaimed sequel:

INTERSTELLAR (2014)interstellar1

Starman’s Baby is now in it’s thirties and Jeff Bridges is 120 years old, but still doing some acting. Christopher Nolan directs this epic about the life and eventual death of Starman’s Baby giving us a year by year account of everything that happens in its life, from small blue ball of light to white-haired and frail, never skipping through anything, rendering an epic run time of 1,266 minutes. Watch as Starman’s Baby learns to fly! Listen as Starman’s Baby learns to yodel! Behold as Starman’s Baby gets angry and scorches the earth, killing thousands! Patiently observe Starman’s Baby’s 3,000 parsec trip to another galaxy to become a black hole and die a tragic death! interstellar2

Don’t miss the post credits sequence when Starman’s Baby and James Doohan look down from Heaven on the pitiful humans of Earth as they toil away in their cornfields and dusty schools!

And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC!! Have a GREAT week!

76 comments

  4. emmakwall

    I just read the most amazing half arsed review and then the most brilliant, funniest three comments as well! Sterling!!!!!!!!

    What you wrote about Jeff Bridges’ age was really cracking me up! Clever putting both films together. I’ve not seen either!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  10. Laura

    Dear ei, this is genuinely hilarious! Good work. Interstellar sounds a lot like the version of 2001 I saw not that long ago. God, what an intergalactic snooze-fest that was [yawn]. I haven’t seen either of these. Do you think I should?
    Yours,
    fn

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      Dear fn,

      I don’t think you’d like either of these, honestly. The only reason I ever watched Starman as a kid was because it was directed by John Carpenter. It’s really cheesy. Interstellar is almost three hours long – it’s GOOD – but it’s long and the end is a little iffy….

      Yours,

      ei

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Laura

        Dear ei,
        Hmm… Starman seems to be on TV quite a lot but I’ve never been compelled to watch it, even though John Carpenter is the shit.

        Interstellar was popular and I wanted to see it for about a minute then the urge passed. Maybe I should give it a go. I watch a lot of shit, after all, why not this?

        Watching a bad film now called Private Number. I should go to sleep but it’s quite bad which obviously provides plenty of material for out here so I might persist, or maybe come back tomorrow.

        Yours,
        fn

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        Dear fn,

        Starman is 80s sci-fi so….. #toss-up

        Interstellar is Inception’s baby. It’s really good but it’s long and full of plot holes you might hate. Private Number sounds like more fun!

        #BloodLake
        #BuckWild

        Yours,

        ei

        Liked by 1 person

      • Laura

        Dear ei,
        It’s probably a no to Starman, at least while I’ve got so much shitty horror to watch. I liked Inception although in my mind it’s kind of mixed up with Shutter Island which I thought was disappointing and derivative.

        Did you see the films I put forward for the live project?

        In other news, this film has Tom Sizemore, Judd Nelson and the blonde girl from Beethoven. Weird.

        Yours,
        fn

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        My dearest fn,

        Have you not seen my references? I’ve been hustling Blood Lake and Buck Wild all over the place… ?? Did I miss something???

        Concerned,

        ei

        Liked by 1 person

      • Laura

        Boooooo! In here, somewhere… I’ll have a look tomorrow to see if I can find it. I can’t actually remember what the films were. Dammit! Bedtime now. Have a nice evening. Let’s talk films again tomorrow.

        Liked by 1 person

  11. caragale

    A movie and its sequel!!! Is this a first for the Half Assed segment??? That mischievous Starman’s baby, destroying our planet and whatnot. 😉

    P.S. I’ve never seen Starman, but it’s funny you did this because my mom just mentioned this not too long ago. Should I check it out for a spry, 80-year-old Jeff Bridges???

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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