In this internationally controversial thriller from avant-garde filmmaker John Carpenter, Jeff Bridges (just before his 80th birthday) plays an alien from another planet who intercepts one of the Voyager probes. He gives it a good probing and then heads to Earth with the intention of doing some Earth-woman fucking. When he finally arrives, he is set upon by the U.S. government and crash lands in the Great Plains of the United States. There, he finds his way into the chick from Raiders of the Lost Ark’s pants and they make a baby that is nothing but a blue ball of light. “I made you a baby”, he says acting weird.
Like my own biological father, he bolts on the baby’s mom, leaving her to raise the baby with no help in sight aside from some poor immigrants from the lovely world of Czechoslovakia. I’m not sure if that last part is really true – are any of these ever??? – but the film ends with the guy from everything you’ve ever seen before (Charles Martin Smith) watching Bridges disappear into the cosmos, leaving his baby behind. Does he take care of the thing like an adopted Daddy? Does he split, Easy Rider style into the sunset? Has he had a few cocktails and doesn’t know what that plumbing noise is that’s coming from his interior front closet??? Has his beard gotten too long and needs a serious trim? You’ll never know until you see the mesmerizing, polarizing, critically acclaimed sequel:
Starman’s Baby is now in it’s thirties and Jeff Bridges is 120 years old, but still doing some acting. Christopher Nolan directs this epic about the life and eventual death of Starman’s Baby giving us a year by year account of everything that happens in its life, from small blue ball of light to white-haired and frail, never skipping through anything, rendering an epic run time of 1,266 minutes. Watch as Starman’s Baby learns to fly! Listen as Starman’s Baby learns to yodel! Behold as Starman’s Baby gets angry and scorches the earth, killing thousands! Patiently observe Starman’s Baby’s 3,000 parsec trip to another galaxy to become a black hole and die a tragic death!
Don’t miss the post credits sequence when Starman’s Baby and James Doohan look down from Heaven on the pitiful humans of Earth as they toil away in their cornfields and dusty schools!
And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC!! Have a GREAT week!