AVENGED (2013)In this movie, a very frail and feeble, deaf and mute girl inherits a bad-ass muscle car from her dead dad. She then decides to drive it across the country to move in with her boyfriend. Somewhere out west in the U.S., she pulls over to take a fucking selfie, witnesses a murder, then gets murdered herself. Luckily for her, there’s the evil spirit of an American Indian nearby who decides to inhabit her dead body and bring her back to life so he / she can exact revenge on the people who killed her and the people who skinned his ancestors alive back in the day. I really thought I was going to like this movie but I really didn’t. It started off OK and then there was some gut pulling but it just kept getting more and more ridiculous as the thing went on. This actress is so frail and wimpy looking that I just couldn’t believe in what she was able to accomplish, inhabited by a dead Indian warrior or not. Her body is also rotting but mystical with a bow and arrow. As always, I encourage people to give it a shot because a man has to learn on his own, but I didn’t give a shit for this thing.THE AVENGERS: AGE OF ULTRON (2015)
The Avengers storm eastern Europe killing hundreds of people and destroying a thousand years of culture created by The Human Race. Later, The Avengers destroy a promising African town, killing more and more people and causing billions of dollars in damage. At the end of the movie, they are tried by an International Tribunal for War Crimes, are quickly found guilty of Crimes Against Humanity and are subsequently put to death by firing squad. In the mid-credits scene, Bruce Banner and Black Widow have uncomfortable sex and, as he nears his ejaculation, he gets so excited that he turns into Hulk and ends her career as an Avenger. In the post-credits scene, a distraught Hulk takes his first shit in 60 years and destroys Upper Manhattan. In the post-post-credits scene, I really did just see the grown man who works the deli in my building kiss his dad on the lips.
And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.
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