It’s time again for another “Luke Abbott Interprets”!! Luke gets a movie poster and ten stills to try and figure out what’s going on in the movie – and in my brain!! Please see our previous installments HERE and HERE.
And I’m back, bitches! The movie critic so good he doesn’t have to even see the movie, he just has to look at ten photos and he can review it there and then. Mad Max: Fury Road? Ten stars out of five. Next! Jaws. Six top hats! I’m on fire! 50 Shades of Grey? I might need more than ten pictures. And twenty minutes alone to fully decide my final ver… hey, let’s move onto the actual article before this gets weird, shall we? For those of you that haven’t been here before, Eric has asked me to describe the movie: Blood Splattered Bride, before I have even seen it. All I have for clues are the following ten pictures. Let’s see how I get on!
Ah, the bride! Beautiful, even if she does have a face so miserable, I swear I forgot to do the laundry this afternoon. Maybe that’s where the blood splattering comes in? She needs to punish me, because I haven’t gotten around to fixing the dishwasher yet (NEXT MONTH, OKAY, BITCH?!). Women, amiright? (I wouldn’t know – I am not allowed near them after that court order from The Creative Fox Den).
OK, this escalated quickly. Now I am feeling a little perverted that I personified myself as the husband in this scenario. Well, at least, I don’t think I am in trouble about the dishwasher anymore.
Now that looks a tad… creepy. Is the bride a spirit passed down from hundreds of generations to feast on the souls of young ones? If so, this marriage ain’t gonna last.
Ohkay…. is this the bride? Is she a part of a cult? Stabbing men for not fixing the dishwasher? OK, I get the fucking message! I will do it tomorrow. Right after I called my divorce lawyer…
And the cult was quickly taken care of! Cheers, divorce lawyer! I am a little concerned that you buried the boobs last, but hey… who am I to argue with your special set of skills?
Even though I am still in mourning over my ex-wife, who happened to be part of a cult, deep down, I am a practical man. I need to marry again. And I am definitely digging this little number right here. If her top was any lower, it would match her IQ. So, in short, just my type. Amiright, fellas! Up top!
FUCK! Is this actor who they hired to play me? He looks like a drunken sleaze-ball alcoholic, who spends most of his time online, probing strangers on Twitter! He is nothing like me!
Tell you what, while I am not happy about the casting of myself, the woman asked to play my ‘Blood-splattered Bride’ has nailed my ‘Jesus – Away in a Manger’ fetish down to a tee. If only other women would play along… And yes, I am looking at Miss The Creative ‘Restraining Order’ Fox Den!!!
Hmmm… my manger’s getting a bit full. Perhaps I have one too many brides. Maybe, I should look at myself in the mirror and question whether this is all worth it. Is this the lifestyle I want? Butchering the women I love the dearest just because it fits in with some sick desire in my heart about Jesus symbolism. Maybe I’ve gone too far into this twisted world my mind has become! All because my first bride frowned at me over a dishwasher. All I had to do was fix the dishwasher, love her back and then I would find true happiness. Killing random women isn’t true happiness! It’s just white noise! Deep down, all I wan… ahem… my character wants is true love. Maybe, just maybe, it’s not too late. I change my ways, turn my life around and find a bride that does need to be blood-splattered to truly appreciate me for what I am.
Anyway, what I am trying to say is: please accept this cordial wedding invitation to mine and Whipwoman’s Wedding. We are very happy together and we want you to share in our moment of happiness. We are sure it will be a… Red Wedding!