Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HALF ASS REVIEWS: HIGH ART, IT AND A VERY SPECIAL: OUIJA

HARDANCEThere’s not much of a theme here today other than here are two movies that I absolutely hated…. let’s see what happens….

HIGH ART (1998)HIGHART!A Young and Leggy Radha Micthell gets her gay on and her clothes off in this art house movie about drugs and photography. Ally Sheedy is an angry lesbian who lives upstairs. Her bathtub is leaking so Mitchell goes up there without a bra but with a monkey wrench and fixes it. Along the way they fall in love and Sheedy’s dope-dealing ex-girlfriend ODs.HIGHART3This movie was totally stupid and not my thing but I did get to see most of Patricia Clarkson’s boobs. This movie can go overdose itself into the next lifetime. “This is a really good movie!!!” Said no one, ever.HIGHART2

IT (1990)ITSK1Did this REALLY scare you as a kid?ITSK2Seriously??

ITSK3

And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC!! Have a GREAT week!

But WAIT!!!! That’s not it!!! Today we have a VERY SPECIAL Guest Half Ass Review from my good, dear friend Laura over at FILMNERDBLOG! Do you follow her?? You should. That site is one of my absolute favorites! Let’s see what she has for us today:

HALF ARSED REVIEW: OUIJA (2014)

ouija1

This is a perfect example of the half-arsed, lazy, horror-by-numbers snorefests that seem to be so popular right now – I’m looking at you, The Conjuring. Much like that one, this is totally devoid of originality – and most unforgivably – it’s also completely scare-free. Ouija is what I like to call ‘horror-lite’. That is, a so-called horror film that’s actually about as frightening as having a lovely cuddle with a cute, fluffy little kitten who won’t stop purring*. Even the cheap jump scares these films rely so heavily on were so obviously sign-posted as to be visible from space.

*allergies and phobias not withstanding

ouija2

You see that? Where the arrow is? That’s a jump scare.

If you’re still curious, you might feel like you’ve seen this before when I tell you that the plot, such as it is, centres on a group of friends who try to contact their recently deceased chum after her apparent suicide. Obviously when they use the Ouija board, it’s not their friend who responds but an evil spirit, who begins to pick them off one-by-one.

ouija3

Yaaaaaawn!

The total absence of any remotely frightening content, a weak script, naff CGI and the thinnest of plots make for a thankfully forgettable affair. One shining light can be found in the adorable Olivia Cooke, of Bates Motel fame, although even she can’t salvage this load of old crap. This film is just LAME.

ouija4

She’s good, but she can’t save this one

Score: 3/10 because they didn’t even try

THANK YOU LAURA!!! You rock AND roll! Want to be a part of the Half Ass / Arse Review team? email me at ei@theipc.me for details!

115 comments

  4. Mel @ The Creative Fox Den

    Hahah! Love it! I have no intention of watching High Art. I saw the other two. Never was afraid of clowns (apparently I’m in the minority with this one). And yes, Laura, Ouija was just a ploy to get money. Nothing interesting going on there. Great reviews!

    #satanicbesties

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  8. caragale

    Giantess: It is confused. When It says “It” is It referring to IT or…It? Also, It has never seen It. Should It see It?

    #itisconfused
    #itprobes
    #xoxoxo

    Laura: Girl, you can go hating on Ouija because it looks like absolute crap, but DON’T YOU GO TRASHING MY CONJURING!!! Lol. 😉 Good review!! I’m sorry you had to suffer through this one… :/

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  10. Laura

    Dearest ei,

    Thanks so much for having me over for some half arsed (I really can’t say “ass”, it’s too weird) reviewing. Sorry I didn’t get to this yesterday but as you know, my phone provider thinks your content is unsuitable for my delicate eyes, and I fell asleep at 9pm last night! What the hell?! That was a good long sleep. Nice.

    Anyway, High Art sounds SHIT. But as for IT…I have barely any memories of it except Johnboy Walton was in it and CLOWNS ARE THE MOST TERRIFYING THING IN EXISTENCE. BURN IT, BURN IT, BUUUUUUUURN IIIIIIIIIIT!!!

    Excuse me [straightens clothing, smooths down hair], I had a bit of a moment there. This is something I feel very strongly about. CLOWNS ARE EVIL AND TO BE FEARED. Not just Pennywise, either. He might have started the fear-mongering, but any sensible person will now have a lifelong terror of the things, surely? When I found out it was Tim Curry it helped a bit, but not for long. Did you see that thing about Tim Curry today? Very sad to see him so frail and ill.

    In related news, I’m actually reading the book at the moment. I do love a good scare but maybe I need to change my habits, reading before bed isn’t a good idea. It is really quite scary.

    Yours in rambling fashion,
    fn

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      Dearest fn,

      Nothing makes me prouder than having you out here, in all of your shiny, brilliant, hair straightened glory. Now, where were we? Oh yes – clowns. Clowns have never done it for me. Spiders, though, they’re the real deal. There was one on my windshield wiper yesterday and it practically crippled me.

      Love,

      ei

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  11. Laura

    Reblogged this on filmnerdblog and commented:
    Here’s a little bit of stuff over at my dear friend Eric’s site, isaacspictureconclusion.com

    He’s a big deal around these parts so, if you don’t already follow him, you really should. His site is strange and funny and there are loads of other cool dudes you can hang out with, too.

    Enjoy!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  16. table9mutant

    Oh wow! You’ve done a proper review on here! Oh wait… That’s Laura. Lol. Laura! Ouija looks like the kind of boring horror shit I can’t stand. Is it worse than Mama??? As for High Art, maybe you should watch Blue Is The Warmest Color, Eric. I’ve actually reviewed that finally! I might post it someday when the blog isn’t depressing me anymore. And, no – It didn’t scare me as a kid as I wasn’t really a kid anymore when it came out. Thanks for the reminder. Tosser. 😉 (and, yes, it still scared me anyway)

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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