ENTRY BY: YOURS TRULY
Those of you that know me – whether online or in real life – know that I’m a rather down to Earth, easy going guy that talks slow and gets to the point. I don’t like a lot of fuss and despite my online presence I’m actually a pretty shy fucker. I don’t like a lot of noise, I don’t like standing in an elevator with more than one other person, I don’t poop at work and I don’t want to be a bother to anyone. If there’s anything I hate it’s really loud people, jazz be-bop and pretentious fucking movies that go on to win tons of awards for being pretentious pieces of shit that I absolutely hate. Case in point – this mother fucker of a movie that I can’t even be fucked to type the entire title of it in my subject line.
Filmed in a gimmicky “one single shot” (which it’s not – none of these movies are), Michael Keaton growls his lines for two hours and then does a play and blows his fucking nose off with a pistol. Gimmicky and fake Zach Galifinakis (I don’t even know if I spelled that right, I care so less) is in it and he’s skinny and doing a serious role so it’s got that going for it because anything that has someone playing against hype is Oscar worthy, right. Speaking of that, the beautiful Emma Stone is in here as a washed out druggie working for her dad, tattooed and smoking cigarettes up on the roof where she could fall to her death if the wind got busy. Nice! Way to go movie! What else? Oh – Ed Norton prancing around in his underwear in that still you’ve all seen. Yay! Speaking of underwear, there’s a scene you may or may not have seen where Keaton goes through a crowd in his panties. Give him an Oscar!I’ll be the first to admit that this is a well made movie – but this is my place and I rate things based on how much I enjoyed them; I’m not some film critic who works for some syndicate and rates things based on the canon of film that exists out there. I’d probably have to give this some sort of high rating if I were getting paid to write this but I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING HATED THIS MOVIE. From the opening moments when that fucking drum started up I was irritated and IT NEVER STOPPED. CLANG CLANG CLANG BEDAP BEDAP CLING CLING CLANG TAPPITY TAPPITY TAP CLONG CLING CLANG!
P.S. That’s one of the reasons I don’t want to see that Whiplash movie. Drumming irritates me.
P.P.S. So does this:As far as this post goes, I went ahead and found the following GIF. I’m not exactly sure what the young lady is saying but it’s either:
Eric!! I really want to take off all of my clothes so you can see me stark naked!!!
or
Man this movie can get fucked!And…. what are these assholes doing??? Get away from me, assholes!!! Leave me alone, assholes!!
Douchebags…. Anyway…. yeah – I hated this thing and this is the epitome of why I don’t care about The Academy Awards. I like the spectacle and all of that shit but I usually don’t care who wins or loses and I normally go to bed before it’s over. Then I’ll wake up the next day and read that shit like Birdman won best picture and I’ll be all “FUCK OFF, man” and go back to watching movies about serial killers loaded with boobs and blood.
And there we go!! Shitfest is officially ON!!!!!!!! Tune in tomorrow for something you’ve never read before…. you might have to have some tissues handy…. and not for your salty tears…..
#foreshadowing
Why don’t you poop at work? That’s when I do all my best work on twitter.
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It does not poop where other people poop and get their butt juice on It’s butt.
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Damn that jazz be-bop! DAMN IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIITTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Anywhosits, I enjoyed the movie but really hated Emma Stone in it. It actually made me less of a fan of her, but it did make me remember that I liked Michael Keaton.
Great job Eric!
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DAMN THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
LOL
#fuckingjazz
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Sweet sugar Pappy Giuseppe
You are my hero. For reals. I am so glad you wrote that you hated this movie – it IS so pretentious and I didn’t get the hype. Sure, it was made well and the performances are good, but I was so not getting Michael Keaton’s name tattooed on my ass because of this.
Love,
Kidney Giuseppe
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Sweet, sweet Kidney Giuseppe!!
WE ROCK!!!! This movie didn’t!
#jagershots
Love,
Sugar Pappy Siuseppe!
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[Before reading review] I bet this is a doozy!
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Fingers crossed. Butthole clenched…..
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[After reading review] WHAT A DOOZY! I actually enjoyed this film but from a film making perspective, other than that the panty prancing was a little too much for my innocent eyes. Budgie Smugglers are too much to look at on the beach let alone in films as well. The coming age of the Budgie Smugglers will consume us all and blind us into the next coming!
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I take it you hate Budgie Smugglers then.
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Pretty much, yeah
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They are an eye sore.
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I’m guessing your post goes up tomorrow based on Eric’s hints?
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How did you guess?
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The tissues gave it away, and not for tears
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hehe.
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HA!! YES!!! I’m glad you liked it – fair play!
I had to go look up Budgie Smugglers and now I may never recover. That’s way too much junk for a Thursday morning.
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I can imagine it being a pretty horrific sight! Needless to say I won’t be Google searching those skimpy ball packets
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LOL – I’ve seen enough for one day!
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HAHAHAHAHA! This movie was pretentious, wasn’t it? I didn’t mind it as much as you did but I see exactly where you’re coming from. Great entry!!
#satanicbesties
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THANKS my #satanicbestie – I hated this thing so much!! Leave me alone Birdman!!
#squintiesforever
#crepescrepescrepes
#existentialpigs
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Reblogged this on Back to the Viewer and commented:
Isaacs gets Shitfest Summer 2015 rolling with this doozy! [Birdman lovers may want to avoid this one].
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THANKS for the reblog, Captain Jagermeister!
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No dramas! Jager a day for the entirety of shitfest?
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Absolutely!!
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what a shitty review EI! I actually liked this when I saw it, but my opinion of it has slightly been lowered since then, but I’m nowhere near your level of hatred 🙂
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HAHAH!! Thanks Rob!!! This movie can go burn in hell in my opinion : )
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Well I couldn’t disagree more but I see where you’re coming from. This movie can feel pretentious but it can also come across as a work of art. It all depends on how you perceive it.
Loved the GIF bit. lol.
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Hey Hey – fair enough – if we all agreed that would totally suck!!
HAHA – I’m 100% sure she’s saying the first one…
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This is a bold choice! I have not actually seen Birdman for some reason, but I have often prayed for Michael Keaton to have a career resurgence.
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Good luck, in my opinion…. I hated this stupid thing – I do wish the best for everyone though!
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Perfect start to Shitfest Eric! I was afraid I was the only one who didn’t like this movie.
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There’s a reason we’re such good friends!!
#lovekim
#besties
#fuckbirdman
#onemoreday
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Aww! You just made my day! 😊
#loveeric
#bestiesforever
#kindredspirits
#birdmannever
#gotofftheground
#youcandoit!
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I might have had an epiphany a few minutes ago – I’ll email you in a bit
#raisinghell
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An epiphany?! I’m intrigued! 😊
#brillianteric
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Just got off the phone – email you soon : )
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I’m hoping this is good news!
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“SuaL It”??
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ehhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh?
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Somehow I sat thru this AND Boyhood. I deserve a medal, or something! F the Oscars! (Forget) 🙂
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Nothing made me happier than when Boyhood showed up in Shitfest earlier this year – even though I haven’t seen it –
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I need to go check out that entry from last years SF now that I had the displeasure of seeing it! Franz & I exchanged recommendations and Boyhood was his recommendation, which is why I watched. I’m glad you didn’t watch! lol.
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Screw that thing!!
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*Eric, on a side note, you know I completely agree with your sentiments about the jazzy score and the drumming, etc. It grates the heck out of my last nerve, as well. But just wanted to point out it’s not like that in “Whiplash”. I don’t recall a jazzy or drumming score for Whiplash. You only hear the drumming and a little jazz when Miles Teller is drumming w/ his classmates, so the drumming is coming from on-screen and becomes secondary to the intensity of the moment of how much pressure J.K. Simmons places Teller under. It’s psychological warfare; an intense thriller. It’s not a cutesy or artsy type movie. I only bring this up b/c I think you’d enjoy J.K. Simmons and his character/performance and I didn’t want you to assume this was in any way, shape or form similar to Birdman. Completely different films, with completely different vibes. If you don’t want to watch Whiplash, that’s fine, but just wanted to make sure you know that it’s far different from Crapman.
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I appreciate you telling me that but I’m in no hurry to watch it. I didn’t want to watch Nightcrawler or Guardians of the Galaxy but I did and I didn’t like either one of them. I’ll pass on this one for the time being : )
I hope you have a nice holiday!
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BTW, awesome start to shitfest Summer 2015! Birdcrap was the perfect way to kick it off!
*Also, I would not have recommended Guardians of the Galaxy for you. I actually have not seen it, myself. I don’t think I’d dig it, either. I don’t watch many children’s movies, and I have already tired of the Marvel universe which was evident by their last installment. Don’t plan to see Ant Man, either…
But I did recommend Nightcrawler just to see Jake’s performance, so we didn’t agree on that one, but I think we generally agree on films we’re both passionate about. So, just wanted to conclude by saying if you don’t watch Whiplash, that’s fine, but I wanted to make sure you didn’t avoid strictly b/c of the jazz and apprehension it was like Birdman, b/c I assure you it’s not. I actually had my own hesitation going in and was afraid it may drag, etc. but it’s actually pretty fast paced. It’s not slow and doesn’t drag like Birdcrap. It goes, goes, goes! Just FYI. 🙂
*And, I actually like Miles Teller a lot. He reminds me of a young John Cusack. He’s a good, young actor w/ great charisma and a strong screen presence. He’s funny without being pretentious. Not sure if he’s the right fit for “Fantastic Four” and super-hero movies, but but he’s great in dramas.
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Understood! I think Ant Man looks pretty bad… and I don’t know about Cumberbatch being Doctor Strange…
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Scott is directing it and he’s a great director, but I am worried the studio will overstep his direction and F it up. He can never do it his way when the studio intercedes.
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Which Scott?
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Scott Derrickson. Does mostly horror films. Did Exorcism of Emily Rose, Sinister and Deliver Us From Evil.
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AHA! I really liked that Sinister movie…
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You know Scott, don’t you? He’s on twitter and interacts with his followers. Seems very humble. Devout Catholic and family man. And has knowledge of demons and the underworld – which is why he has such a knack for horror movies.
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HMMM I don’t think so…
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Amazing start to Shitfest, this rocked.
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Thanks Boss!!! This movie sucked it!!
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I can see that you hated it with every fibre of your being.
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This is the perfect example of a movie I would hate.
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Agreed!
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My entry is up tomorrow.
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Looking fwd to it!
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Thanks buddy, I’m hoping to get a great reception.
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So – I’m watching a horror with Duplass in it right now – this will be the test to see if I’ll go crazy in that other movie –
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Wait, what movie? You can’t compare if the movie you’re watching now sucks. I saw him in this other horror movie a while ago, and it was dull, slow and boring, and I turned it off. I can’t remember the name, but if it’s that film then you cannot compare. “Creep” was much better and his character was entirely different from any other role I’ve ever seen from him.
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It’s called The Lazarus Effect. I rented this for Olivia Wilde and I noticed today he was in it. I wrote that comment to see if I can stand his presence in a movie and so far so good.
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And a nice bit of foreshadowing for tomorrow.
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: ) I hope everyone’s ready….
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Me too, do you think it will prove interesting to read?
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I’m ready!! I’m ready NOW! lol.
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My review is up now, no more waiting.
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We cut this flick to pieces on our podcast as well. I liked the style but man was it so awful everywhere else. Way to start things off. Epic, Eric. This is gonna be a fun ‘Fest.
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WOO HOOO!!!! Go Shitfest go!!!
Birdman can fuck off.
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I’ll go give that podcast a listen when I can.
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We don’t hate as much as Eric, in fact my co-host kinda liked it, but I was disappointed with it.
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I’ll get around to it ASAP. Tune in for the entry tomorrow, it’s gonna be great.
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Wear loose pants!
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And why might that be?
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Oh, you’re up, huh? Of course I’ll be reading! I think I’m scheduled for the 15th.
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Woo Hoo, looking forward to seeing my entry in action.
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Me too. I bet it’s great.
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I hope everyone likes it, but as Eric says, bring tissues.
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Tears of sadness or laughter?
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Neither, I’m sure Eric can be more specific.
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Oh boy. This should be interesting. Ha.
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I hope it can be.
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I’m keeping my mouth shut and building up suspense.
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And I’m gonna follow suit brother.
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The 13th, my brother!
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Ah, right. Sweet. I’m just having fun rereading yours!
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Right on!
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Gonna be hard to reach that epic standard.
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I’ve set the standard pretty low for future generations of movie bloggers HAHAHA!
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Did you ever listen tothe one David and I did about Wyrmwood?
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Yeah, that podcast fucking rocked.
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SWEET!
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It sure was sweet, just like my entry tomorrow. Tissues at the ready people.
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I really love this movie, like really love, but it wouldn’t be as fun to love it if the feeling were universal. Haters are necessary too 😉
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Fist bumps and butt pats!!
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I liked this movie, but even better than that, I liked your stance “but this is my place and I rate things based on how much I enjoyed them” –That’s good shit right there! You gotta do you, EI and not give a damn about what anyone else says.
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SMASH!!!!!!
Hey – I call em like I see em – you know that!! Miss you!! How’s it going up there??
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I miss you too!!
Things are great! I’ve got the next two days off, so lots of time to read the posts and write me piece for Shitfest! Workin’ on it right now and it’s going to kill! (hopefully) lol
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A million yeses to that!!!!! Also – smooch smooch hug hug!
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Looking forward to your piece, Smash! 🙂
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Thanks Gary!
I’m looking forward to yours too 🙂
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Oh, I didn’t do one. Just wasn’t inspired enough this time around. I didn’t do one last time, either. Next time I see a terrible movie, I may be inspired to enter. I just haven’t been watching that many movies lately, and I have a pretty good record of avoiding the terrible ones b/c I can generally tell ahead of time. I did hate Avengers 2 and “The Mirror” which I wrote about on my blog, but I wasn’t inspired enough to write a new entry for them to enter into SF. I honestly don’t write many blog entries anymore, either; simply b/c I only write entries when I’m inspired. I did write one 2 days ago that’s on my blog if you want to check it out. You may like it.
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Oh too bad, but i totally get it. Sometimes it’s better not to write something if you’re not truly inspired than just going through the motions and putting out something mediocre.
I pop over and check out the new post now! 🙂
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And you don’t like green eggs and ham, is that correct? You don’t like here or there? Or in a box with a fox? How bout a house?
For the post itself, I was dumb and I read it. You did warn me, so that’s all on me. However, I did enjoy reading it still. Can’t please everyone.
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Birdman was totally overrated & didn’t deserve Best Picture. By the way – for someone who doesn’t poop at work, you sure have told us about how you had to poop while at work a lot….. 😉
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Yes – look we agree on something!! Someone buy a lotto!!
HA!! You know that if the only other option is shitting my pants I’ll poop at work AND YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IT UPSETS ME!!
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Don’t lie. You have shit your pants at work a slew of times. Scrotey told me.
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Just once!
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Girls don’t poop at work. Or anywhere.
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We know!!! Or fart.
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Or burp.
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I know this isn’t true.
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And so it begins….
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Let the jizzing commence!!
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Good god man I love you for this. Me and the Mrs. tried to watch this piece of shit film and made it about 30 minutes before turning it off with a huge sigh of relief. THOSE FUCKING DRUMS CAN GRT FUCKED!!!
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I KNEW you’d appreciate this one!!! GOD DAMN THOSE FUCKING DRUMS!!!
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Isaacs, I think this dude is smarter than the pair of us!! What were we thinking finishing this clunker??
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That’s one of my best friends and trust me, he’s smarter than both of us put together!
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Hahaha. Hilarious review. While I don’t agree with a lot of it, you made some good points. I always wonder how a movie can be pretentious. I love what you do here though! For the other side of the coin, check my pretentious review 😉 http://slipthroughmovies.wordpress.com/2015/02/26/birdman-caged-insanity/
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Fair enough : ) this is the type of thing that works my last nerve… Give me shit horror any day : ) I’ll check out your post in a bit : ) I’m off today so I’m going to be incredibly lazy.
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Hahaha… thinking of horror… have you seen Honeymoon? What’s a good new horror? Bmovies included. 😉
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I have seen Honeymoon! I actually quite liked it.
UMMMM have you seen It Follows?? I LOVED it! I watched something called Let Us Prey the other week and liked it plenty.
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Honeymoon was a fresh addition to the genre. Filmed and acted rather well.
I’ve heard tons of praise for It Follows. Once that hits on demand, I’m watching it for sure. I really enjoyed The Guest with the same actress. I can’t wait for Follows, since it looks so stylish and has a compelling concept.
What is Let Us Prey? You’ve got really good taste, reviewing these horror based on what they promise and how they deliver. So, I need to know more 😉
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Drumming annoys you huh? huh? huh? If I knew where you lived I’d buy five megaphones, attach them to my car and play the Birdman OST for you to enjoy… You… you drummer-hater!
I had a strong feeling you were going to pick this one Eric. I’m on the fence, I liked it, its well made, but fuck it is pretentious. Plus it gets more annoying the more times you watch it – the OPPOSITE thing you want from a good movie
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You’re a huge fan of drumming aren’t you?
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just a bit ;P
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Have you checked my entry out yet? I gotta sign off but be sure to let me know your thoughts and I’ll get back to you.
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You would, you bastard!!! : ) and because of that I’ll tell you that as I am writing this, I’m pooping.
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I really liked this movie, but man was this fun to read. I’m glad you stand by your hatred of it.
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Thanks!!!!
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Wooooo Shitfest! I still haven’t seen this so I can’t agree or disagree with you but I’m glad I’ve given myself a long amount of time to watch it so that the acclaim-dust has settled and I can figure out if I like it or not without the looming threat of the Oscars hanging over me. Nice one EI, a most excellent way to begin a most excellent Shitfest!
#birdsies
#mansies
#lowerbacktattoosies
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Thanks Anna!!! I’m off today for our national celebration of being free from Britain’s empirical tyranny and this was a great way to start my three day weekend!
#oppressies
#shitfesties
#stampsies
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Not shit, but Birdman will be seen as one of those ridiculous Oscar fuck ups.
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All I know is this: you’re a #goodlad
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I think pooping at work is THE BEST!!!! Free toilet paper and you are actually being paid for taking a shit. You should try it sometime ha ha ha 🙂
GREAT entry Pen, I never want to see this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤
#Shitfest2015
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That’s a great comment there Emma,made me laugh so much.
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True though isn’t it! PAID for taking a shit. Genius!
Lol 🙂
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Too true.
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Hi Clam!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WELCOME BACK!!!! I hope you had a good vacation!! I missed THE SHIT out of you!!!
#itdoesntsitonotherpeoplesbuttjuice
LOVE PEN!!!!!
O _ o < 3 o _ O
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what is this butt juice hash tag!!!! LOL!
I missed you too Pen, SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#shitfestforever #seanpertwee
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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I like Michael Keaton and have not seen this movie. But I saw BABEL, a previous movie from the same director who did BIRDMAN, and it was a pretentious piece of shit similar to the one you describe here — so I’m quite happy that I have not seen BIRDMAN and that I did read your hilarious review!
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Fuck yeah BABEL was SHIT!!! I need to remember that for the next Shitfest!!
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Ah PSC, and I remember how you had been looking forward to this. I thought it was done really well, but didn’t quite love it as much as most people. Great work, and some good laughs here!
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This fucking thing!! That’s what I get for looking forward to a Michael Keaton movie….
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She loves me the most!
#forscience
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LOL! She is just THE BEST!!!!
#ForAllReasons
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She needs me!
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Sigh. Oh, Eric. We are night and day when it comes to our opinions of this movie. Bahaha. I’m not surprised though. This is far from the realm of boobs and blood. 😉
Nice way to kick things off, Probemeister!!!
#shitfestrules
#birdmanisawesomethough
#xoxoxo
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Mistress…. I hated it SO much…..
: (((((((((((((((((((((((
#itloves
#xoxoxoxoxox
#itprobes
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That’s alright. It just means you never get to watch movies in your cellar again. MWAHAHAHA.
#imprisonmentprobes
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#itobeys
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So… you hated it, eh?
Just kidding, Your Awesomeness!!!
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I HATED it!!!!
This movie can go to hell!!!
#smooooooooooooooooooooooch
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HAHAH!!! I love a good rant! #HumpDaySmooooooch
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YOU KNOW IT!!!
#everydaysmooch
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