Shitfest Summer 2015: Magic Mike(2012)
A quick disclaimer before I begin my first entry into Shitfest. This review is written from the differing points of view of two people; the articulate and imaginative Vinnie that you all know and love, and his virile, x-rated Adonis of an alter ego The Satrap of Sin, who is if you haven’t guessed it a male stripper. With Vinnie’s take, you’ll get the usual highly descriptive and critical work of a film reviewer. With Satrap, you may get a little extra and maybe a raunchy tale or two. I would like to thank Zoe, Table 9 Mutant and Eric for giving me the inspiration for this alter ego and I hope this review can be revealing enough for you all and as dirty as can be.
Well what’s there to say? Magic Mike is for lack of a better word shit (and not in a good way). Between the oiled glutes, shimmering thongs and dong shaking going on, was there supposed to be some sort of story? Or was this just supposed to be some pervy attempt to attract people to the cinema? Believe me, I don’t know. I’m trying my best to summarize this piece of shit in an eloquent way. Oh screw it there is no eloquent way of describing this abysmal excuse for a movie. If it’s muscled guys who can dance that you want, look elsewhere people or in Satrap’s direction.
The plot( or what there is of a plot) centers on the eponymous Mike (Channing Tatum), who is an aging Florida male stripper wanting another lease on life (that’s if you can call wanting to get a furniture shop a new lease on life). Mike meets Adam (Alex Pettyfer), a 19-year-old looking for a construction job but finding no joy in any form of recruitment. Alex soon introduces Adam to his world of easy money through stripping, headed by the sleazy club owner Dallas (Matthew McConaughey). As the money rolls in and chicks throw themselves at him, Adam begins to lose himself in the lifestyle. But we don’t really care about that because the whole thing is just an uninteresting bore.
I mean I can’t understand why they tried to make the world of stripping seem so dramatic. I mean all you do is grind your hips, shake your ass and reveal your prized assets to screaming women with wads of cash ready to pounce on you like cougars in heat. You can’t really find the drama there. The film may introduce drugs and the descent into ruin, but because the film is so poor, we don’t care about the characters in the slightest and what they go through.
And when the film tries to be funny, it’s just a cringe to say the least. Adam’s initiation into the world and his naive look at the dress is just plain laughable. I mean he sees a piece of underwear and comments that it hasn’t got a back to it. It’s obviously a thong, I mean everyone knows that right? Adam just comes across as an idiot and later a total jerk. And when Magic Mike tries to show us the behind the scenes techniques to enhance performance, we really just don’t care.I mean do we really need to know about penis pumping and other supposedly enhancing ways to get your body going and later your rocks off with a bunch of middle-aged ladies? The film focuses too much on the dancing and the cavorting for it to be enjoyed fully.
So all I have left to say people is avoid Magic Mike like the plague. But as I’m feeling generous, I’ll include a photo of Matthew McConaughey as I know that Eric has a major man crush on him and hopefully all the ladies out there will be super grateful for some nudity.
My God, I could show these wannabes a thing or two about shaking your moneymaker.If you want dollars in your leather thongs by the end of the night, you got to work with your body and flaunt it to the extreme. Watching these guys try to do it was embarrassing. Anyway, back to my soon to be x-rated review and guide to sexual pleasure.
The first thing to know as a male stripper is how to work the audience, know what gets their blood pumping and what drives them wild. It isn’t about exposing your tackle to the audience, it’s the way you do it. Slowly moving you should set your eyes on a certain customer and make her night. Writhe over to her and whisper something raunchy in her ear. Believe me, it drives them wild. Then begin to gyrate your pelvis in front of them and use their hands to feel your ripped chest (if you still have a shirt on get them to slowly remove it). Before long the money will be down your thong in no time. Try not to get too excited either, it will show in your revealing attire (save the excitement for later on when the real action starts). Don’t use a penis pump like the guys in Magic Mike, just watch a little adult entertainment but control yourself, you don’t want a major trident in your pants when you’re grinding. Plus, it will be painful to dance and is a real turn off for the ladies. Anyway, you have to be some sort of well-endowed to be a male stripper, no one is paying to see a little worm swing on stage.
In terms of costume, policeman and fireman are the real turn ons and the girls will definitely want your truncheon or hose by the end of the night. A fireman may appear in Magic Mike but he’s got nothing on my ripped body and killer moves. The Satrap of Sin knows exactly how to work it to his advantage. The cowboy routine is my specialty, and though the leather chaps may be uncomfortable and the whip can be a nightmare to control, you definitely get a different kind of rodeo later on in the night, if you know what I mean. And wear the boots when you’re engaging in raunchy activity later, it’s a major aphrodisiac and you really feel like you’re back in the saddle in more ways than one. In the end though, any sort of uniform is a winner in the pulling department.
Another rule of the business is tease, but don’t get too involved. Magic Mike gets this wrong with Adam kissing one of the customers, kissing is a major no-no in this game. You can have their hands over your chest and upper body, but lips is a no go area. It gets too personal then and attachments aren’t good in this line of work. Also, no touching of the valuables, that’ll cost you, unless you want your own private show which can be arranged.If you have a client on stage, you can really put on a show. Make sure to slink around her and have her peel your clothing off. While this is happening, be aware of the audience and feed off the electric atmosphere. It is you they are here to say in all your masculine glory so make the most of the opportunity.
Pelvic thrusts are always a winner on stage, you just got to know how to thrust with what you were born with. Don’t be too aggressive or intimidating with your member between your legs, but still leave them begging for more. If you do this effectively, you could have money galore and a woman or two to entertain with bedroom acrobatics later in the evening. Matt Bomer’s character in the film may have the right idea about this, but it isn’t exactly a sterling example of pelvic thrusting( that should be left to me). It’s a shame he should have to be doing this in the film as there are many that can do it better and more provocatively.
As mentioned earlier, never get too personal with the customers. You can sleep with them but try not to form deep emotional feelings. The last thing you want is a jealous girlfriend berating you for your revealing job. Anyway, sex is a great form of exercise that doesn’t require a lot of skill, so if you want a trim body, sleep with anything that walks. But be safe and sensible, always use rubbers. On the subject of exercise, have a good fitness plan but don’t overdo it. And don’t scrimp either and go to healthy, no one wants to see a skinny wretch waving his tackle around on stage.
So that wraps up this entry for Shitfest. Thanks to Eric for letting me take part. From Vinnie it’s a good day. And from Satrap it’s a stay sexy. The two of us hope it has been a revealing read.