Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015 ~ SUMMER: UNFRIENDED (2014)

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ENTRY BY:

JD3

AKA

JD1JD4

Written by: Jordan Dodd aka the Epileptic Moondancer.

Do you remember, way back, when catching up with friends was fun? We’d watch a movie or a dumb TV show, or maybe something more. But it was a social experience. We ‘hung out’.

THAT SHIT IS DEAD. UNDERSTAND?

Nowadays, friends of mine take out their phone, or their bloody tablet, as soon as they arrive, chatting to other people or sending twitter messages along the lines of “Hi! I’m at Jordy’s house being a massively rude cunt cos he is more boring than cornflakes!! ROFL OMG!!

I can understand that reaction, really, I can. A goldfish could win in an excitement contest if pitted against me. But take that Facebook mentality that makes me want to snap the necks of cute kittens, turn the knob to eleven, and we have ourselves a movie:

“Unfriended”

And if you think that is bad, their original title was Cybernatural. Ha!!

Some have tried (and failed, HARD) to label this bag of horse flies as innovative. Some actually try to say that it adds to the canon of horror film because of said innovation.

To that I say No, No, and HELL FUCKING NO WITH A BAG FULL OF DOG EXCREMENT.

Let me ask you a question or three. Or five.

Do you enjoy staring intently at the same laptop screen for an entire movie’s runtime? Do you enjoy straining your eyes to read chat messages within said laptop screen? Does the action of a mouse pointer moving over a computer’s desktop give you a semi?

What about the sound of adolescent, teenage morons screaming over the top of each other??

jd11

If you answered yes to this quiz, then feel LUCKY!!! Personally, I find that the sound of teenagers screaming all at once, over a Skype connection, is akin to nails on a chalkboard. But… if this isn’t the case, then this movie is for you! I’m sure you will enjoy it, I know this bloke sure did…

jd10

GodDAMN it really does look like he is having a blast! God, how much more fun could you have with a blender?! It seems this sizable chap just can’t get enough of the movie, it is THAT fucking ground-breaking!!

Perhaps it isn’t so bad then…. I mean, it just wants to have some fun!

jd5

See….!? It just wants to play! Who doesn’t like a good game?

But I guess now we need a villain… I mean, this is a horror film. We need a scary, evil, sly fucker who thrives on eating live uterus for shits and giggles….

jd9

HOLE-YYYYYY SHIT.

Scared? I know I’m fucking terrified. What could that image be? Can a person really be shaped like that? Surely not! Fucking albino cunt, he has tits that point towards his face with a perfect blue sky background to match. Which is kinda cool in a strange way I suppose… But still… Fuck him! Fuck It! It is EVIL!! I mean, just look at the powers at his disposal!

jd7

Jesus fucking Joseph on a crucifix, it can turn the lights off!! And the expression on its face STILL hasn’t changed!!

I don’t know if I can take much more, my heart is ready to explode. If only there was some comedic relief to relieve the tension….

jd6

Perfect! Now she DEFINITELY knows how to party! Finally this movie is lightening up a bit…

…But what about the villain? What awful intentions does that backward-tittied albino bastard have up his sleeves!? Where is it now!?!?! He, or it, surely have found their targets by now…

jd12

Well, any of you who know a person called Adam… YOU ARE CURSED FOR ETERNITY AND BEYOND!!!! Protect your friend Adam at all costs, lest your hand be eternally stuck in a blender while you are forced to listen to constant distorted Skype chat! Congratulations!!

I must extend a major thanx to the Eric-meister as this is my first entry into a Shitfest. I feel blessed, I have finally been baptised by the IPC hellfire! I am clean! My sins are now forgotten!! And to add to that, I had a blast drinking and writing this ludicrous piece for Shitfest Summer, 2015! Thanks Eric!

#SHITFESTFOREVERBITCHES

I hope you all enjoy my insane ravings. 🙂

194 comments

  1. Brilliant Jordan!!!!! You big ball of awesomeness, you’re hilarious!

    I’m tempted to watch it for the blender scene (you know me…) but all in all this sounds like a shitty, shitty movie! Did you not throw popcorn? :p
    That mouse pointer thing has never given me the girl’s equivalent of a semi. I can safely say!!!

    And Cybernatural?! HAHAHAHAHA. HA!

    P.S LOVE your use of the word cunt 🙂

    Liked by 4 people

  2. I’m sorry about your loss Jordan. Your loss of a great afternoon that you could have been doing anything better than watching this terrible movie. But pints heal all wounds. Cheers!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha, Unfriended. This looks like rubbish that thinks it’s innovative because it’s using technology the kids are all into. Barf. You nailed it perfectly, Jordan. I hate how Hollywood thinks teenagers are all stupid and will fall for this crap. I know some will, but it’s such nonsense. Either way, funny read!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. ‘ You know this is excatly my problem with horror movies. People always find room to rant and moan about anything but the plot, I mean what did technology ever do to you, huh punk! ‘ – Sent from my iPhone –

    Liked by 1 person

  5. GaryGreg828

    I went to see EX MACHINA at the theater and afterwards I walked in the middle of UNFRIENDED to see how it was. I sat down and after a minute I was like “This Skype scene is so long. When are they going to go to school – or leave the house?” Then after a couple more minutes I realized the Skype scene WAS the movie! lol.

    Every 5 seconds there was an annoying chime of a new person calling in on the chat – or someone sending an IM to someone in the chat. Then some girls started arguing over who said what. Then I had enough and left; it wasn’t even worth staying to watch for free in a nearly empty theater.

    Great selection, Jordan!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Yes, exactly Greg. One long freaking Skype conversation. Like I said above, you can leave your computer at work, and go to the movies… to watch another computer screen. Incredible that this gotta such major distribution really

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah I had a double pass for it. It was for that movie only, would never had watched it otherwise. It was with a younger friend of mine and I thought she’d like it, you know, but she hated it more than me and we traded horrible parts of the movie to each other. Hahahaha it was such trash!!!

      And…Cybernatural. I mean, that just says it all.

      Liked by 2 people

      • I did! I’m actually on vacation, visiting my mom in western Canada (Kelowna, British Columbia) so we’ve been busy busy busy doing fun stuff and spending time together 🙂 Just finding some time now to catch up on all the wonderful posts I’ve been missing.

        How was your weekend??

        #satanicbestiesforever
        #creepsiesforever
        #sataniclampalways
        #crepes
        #existentialpigs
        #squinties
        #sangriasangriasangria

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        WHAT??? You told me you weer going to see your mom but not SO SOON???? I JUST recovered from your last vacation!!!!

        Mine was good – tiring but good….

        #satanicbestiesforever
        #existentialpigs
        #nooatmeal
        #nobrocolli
        #zucchinivendetta

        Liked by 1 person

      • Haha, I’m still going to try and put up posts. Today was crazy but there should be a post up tomorrow and I’ve been working on my Shitfest entry! (sorry it’s late)

        Why are you tired?

        #zucchinisaregreat
        #crepesarebetter
        #sangriaisthebest

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        OK GOOD!!!!!!! I missed you today!

        I can’t wait for your shitfest!! GIMME GIMME!!!

        I’m tired because I spent all day out in the hot sun on Saturday doing things like swimming and throwing footballs and playing bocce ball. And drinking beer all day.

        #staniclampsalways
        #creepsforever
        #existentialpigs

        Liked by 1 person

    • Yes and Yes, you are entirely correct. I think I said above somewhere, I think older teenagers would think this is dumb. The only reason it got any distribution was cos it got a good reaction with a test audience. Like we are all the same! They must have roped in a reeeally certain demographic to get a good reaction to this shitty, shitty movie.

      And thank you for the kind words and condolences 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  7. thank you Laura! This is my first time around, I hope it made some people smile! 🙂 That is the fun of this, I can write in a totally different way to I normally do. Shitfest is indeed a grand time!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. LOL, had a great laugh here Jordan!

    “What awful intentions does that backward-tittied albino bastard have up his sleeves!?” – truly a classic.

    And “Cybernatural”???? Jeesh, this movie doesn’t really stand a chance!

    Liked by 2 people

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