ENTRY BY:
AKA
Written by: Jordan Dodd aka the Epileptic Moondancer.
Do you remember, way back, when catching up with friends was fun? We’d watch a movie or a dumb TV show, or maybe something more. But it was a social experience. We ‘hung out’.
THAT SHIT IS DEAD. UNDERSTAND?
Nowadays, friends of mine take out their phone, or their bloody tablet, as soon as they arrive, chatting to other people or sending twitter messages along the lines of “Hi! I’m at Jordy’s house being a massively rude cunt cos he is more boring than cornflakes!! ROFL OMG!!”
I can understand that reaction, really, I can. A goldfish could win in an excitement contest if pitted against me. But take that Facebook mentality that makes me want to snap the necks of cute kittens, turn the knob to eleven, and we have ourselves a movie:
“Unfriended”
And if you think that is bad, their original title was Cybernatural. Ha!!
Some have tried (and failed, HARD) to label this bag of horse flies as innovative. Some actually try to say that it adds to the canon of horror film because of said innovation.
To that I say No, No, and HELL FUCKING NO WITH A BAG FULL OF DOG EXCREMENT.
Let me ask you a question or three. Or five.
Do you enjoy staring intently at the same laptop screen for an entire movie’s runtime? Do you enjoy straining your eyes to read chat messages within said laptop screen? Does the action of a mouse pointer moving over a computer’s desktop give you a semi?
What about the sound of adolescent, teenage morons screaming over the top of each other??
If you answered yes to this quiz, then feel LUCKY!!! Personally, I find that the sound of teenagers screaming all at once, over a Skype connection, is akin to nails on a chalkboard. But… if this isn’t the case, then this movie is for you! I’m sure you will enjoy it, I know this bloke sure did…
GodDAMN it really does look like he is having a blast! God, how much more fun could you have with a blender?! It seems this sizable chap just can’t get enough of the movie, it is THAT fucking ground-breaking!!
Perhaps it isn’t so bad then…. I mean, it just wants to have some fun!
See….!? It just wants to play! Who doesn’t like a good game?
But I guess now we need a villain… I mean, this is a horror film. We need a scary, evil, sly fucker who thrives on eating live uterus for shits and giggles….
HOLE-YYYYYY SHIT.
Scared? I know I’m fucking terrified. What could that image be? Can a person really be shaped like that? Surely not! Fucking albino cunt, he has tits that point towards his face with a perfect blue sky background to match. Which is kinda cool in a strange way I suppose… But still… Fuck him! Fuck It! It is EVIL!! I mean, just look at the powers at his disposal!
Jesus fucking Joseph on a crucifix, it can turn the lights off!! And the expression on its face STILL hasn’t changed!!
I don’t know if I can take much more, my heart is ready to explode. If only there was some comedic relief to relieve the tension….
Perfect! Now she DEFINITELY knows how to party! Finally this movie is lightening up a bit…
…But what about the villain? What awful intentions does that backward-tittied albino bastard have up his sleeves!? Where is it now!?!?! He, or it, surely have found their targets by now…
Well, any of you who know a person called Adam… YOU ARE CURSED FOR ETERNITY AND BEYOND!!!! Protect your friend Adam at all costs, lest your hand be eternally stuck in a blender while you are forced to listen to constant distorted Skype chat! Congratulations!!
—
I must extend a major thanx to the Eric-meister as this is my first entry into a Shitfest. I feel blessed, I have finally been baptised by the IPC hellfire! I am clean! My sins are now forgotten!! And to add to that, I had a blast drinking and writing this ludicrous piece for Shitfest Summer, 2015! Thanks Eric!
#SHITFESTFOREVERBITCHES
I hope you all enjoy my insane ravings. 🙂
This entry rocks Jordan, really amazing work here.
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thanks dude! 🙂
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Anytime you ladies man.
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what a shitty Review Jordon! Nicely done!
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Thanks mate, a really shitty review for an incredibly shitty movie. Seems apt!
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Yep! 😉
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Brilliant Jordan!!!!! You big ball of awesomeness, you’re hilarious!
I’m tempted to watch it for the blender scene (you know me…) but all in all this sounds like a shitty, shitty movie! Did you not throw popcorn? :p
That mouse pointer thing has never given me the girl’s equivalent of a semi. I can safely say!!!
And Cybernatural?! HAHAHAHAHA. HA!
P.S LOVE your use of the word cunt 🙂
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I must agree he uses the word cunt very well.
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I think that is an Australian thing… haha
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You seem to love the dirty language, must by my sexy tips wearing off, hehe.
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haha, nah I’ve always been like that. I try to tone it down usually, but a shitty movie deserves shitty language. Shitty fucking movie
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You speak the truth buddy.
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I always try!
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Well here’s a test, have you tried out any of Satrap’s tips yet? hehe.
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Unfortunately the opportunity hasn’t arisen haha!! I was cursed by this shitty movie
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Let me know when it does, I want full details.
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hahaha! If you insist. Can’t promise it will be soon tho!
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I trust people who use that word.
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Someone once told me the meaning of the word and I was like really.
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Lol!! Calling someone a vagina doesn’t have the same effect though does it 🙂
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No it doesn’t.
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Lol 🙂
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It just doesn’t have the same impact.
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The blender scene was about as long as that GIF. Its all that happened really, the rest of the movie was utter shit
And yeah, Cybernatural. They were gonna call it that. So SHITTY!!
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Cybernatural!! Haha, that’s still making me laugh. How gay.
So the best scene in the movie is only a few seconds long! Hmmmmmph!
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Yep. 2 seconds of hand in a blender. The rest is Skype chat, and watching a teenage girl organise a music playlist. It is ABSURD!!
And yeah, Cybernatural. Hahahaha!! No wonder the movie is so shitty!
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I’m a hypocrite!!! I had perfectly throwable Mars bars… Ugh! Tho in all fairness I didn’t pay for them, I found them where the gaming machines were. Makes it even worse that I didn’t do it… 😦
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You found Mars bars by the gaming machines?! What is this madness?!!!! By the standard price of cinema Mars bars you found a small fortune !!!!! One could say….buried treasure even?!
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Well they weren’t mars bars, I temporarily forgot the name there, they are called pods. Are they sold in the UK? Its like these mini caramel filled chocolate things. Maaan I really should have chucked them
Before the movie I found an unopened pack next to the seat of the car racing game. I just decided finders keepers and walked in. There was another opened but full pack of mini twix bars there too but we left them haha
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Clam!!
No half-chub for the mouse pointer??? : ((((((((((((
C U Next Tuesday HAHAHHAHAAH!!!!!
<33333333333333333
Love Pen!
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And what – pray tell! – is a HALF-CHUB?!
😀 😀 😀
C U Next Tuesday LOL, I enjoy saying that to my work colleagues when it’s bank holiday Monday.
I missed you loads Pen!!! ❤ ❤ ❤
Can't believe Shitfest started without me!!!!!!!!
Love Clam O _ o o _ O
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Clam!! Surely you’re aware!!
#halfchub
I can’t believe it either but I couldn’t contain it any longer…. it had to go!!!
#innuendo
Love Pen!!!
O _ o o _ O
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I can guess…….haha! Just never heard the expression before 🙂
#halfchub
#aintnohalfsteppin
That’s okay my dearest Pen! I have a lot of catching up to do but I am getting there bit by bit! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
#innenudoheaven
Love Clam! xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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: ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Welcome back!!!!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Love Pen!!!!
P.S. < 3
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:::)))))))))))))))))))))))
Weird eyes on that smiley face!
#extras #seanpertwee
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Thanks Eric! Had a blast writing it 😀
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Thank YOU!! This turned out great!!
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if you say so…
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I do say, I do!
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Then you must be right! Huh, I never really could I could write anything funny. Alcohol is a great writer’s aid! 😀
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Like Luke said – that bit about the villain being albino was hysterical!
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Haha thanks 😀 Well, he was. Dastardly little cunt. He totally thinks he is the man too, arrogant little cunt
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HAHAHAHA!!!
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I never really had any interest in seeing this before, I now have even less. lol
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I saw the trailer for this and thought it looked pretty wretched… poor Jordan!
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Indeed. But somebody has to watch the garbage to fill the Shitfest quota!
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#truth
LOLOL
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I knew MSN was bad news bro!
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Hahaha! Yeah, seems skype is even worse!
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Darn that MySpace!
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haha!! I see the use for it, but its just kinda gone overboard
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Great entry, Jordan!
My close friend group throw their phones into a little basket when we visit with each other. Works pretty well 😀
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Haha! That is such a cool thing to do. I wish my friends did that!!
and thank you! 🙂
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It works quite well! 🙂
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I’m actually going to steal your idea and have my close friends do the same. Cos I get invited around and all I can see is the top of their heads… c’mon guys!
Yep I’m stealing your idea. Thanks! ;P
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I’m sorry about your loss Jordan. Your loss of a great afternoon that you could have been doing anything better than watching this terrible movie. But pints heal all wounds. Cheers!
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and thank you for your condolences haha!
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Pints, nachos and Jagermeister!
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That is living! 🙂
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And lighting cigars with hundred dollar bills!
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It is so sad that I have never had Jagermeister, I mean, what the hell man?!
Now I’m hungry, time for some for some cheeeesy nachos 😀
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I don’t think they let us ship liquor out of the states but maybe one day I’ll send you some : )
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Hehe, next time I should buy some instead of bourbon. I’m just so cheap, it’d have to be an occasion for me to buy some. My birthday is coming up… hmmm I’m gonna finally try it then :D!!
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SCORE!!
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I can finally pop my jager cherry haha
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Finally!!
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Pints heal wounds, ha! Indeed. Yes, the arvo could have been grand. But it was ruined by skype. Now THAT has never been said after a movie before. Maybe..
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We’re breaking new ground on The IPC today : )
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Ha, Unfriended. This looks like rubbish that thinks it’s innovative because it’s using technology the kids are all into. Barf. You nailed it perfectly, Jordan. I hate how Hollywood thinks teenagers are all stupid and will fall for this crap. I know some will, but it’s such nonsense. Either way, funny read!
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They did this on a Modern Family and it was actually pretty creative and funny but this one looks like a piece of shit.
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Haven’t seen that one. Yes, this looks like something to avoid at all costs. Trash.
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Putrescence!!!
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Nice! Someone had Alphabet soup for lunch.
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HAHAHA!!
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Yeah its great, you can leave your computer, and then go to the movies to look at another computer for 80 minutes. Revolutionary!!!
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Fuck yeah!
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hey you said something yesterday about Peter Stormare?…
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LOL YES!!! And I got some sort of weird email about it!
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send it to me! what was it?
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LOL – I’ll forward it – why did you ask though?
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you asked me yesterday to email it to me ya twat!
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HAHAH!!!
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Sent!
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HAHAHAHA wtf that is so fucking bizarre.
Join them Eric. join them…
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HAHAHA!!! I don’t even like him that much….
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Suuuuuure you don’t. 😛 I think there is something you aren’t telling us mate
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HA!!! I liked one of his movies – you can be the first person to ever read it!
https://isaacspictureconclusions.com/2011/12/07/small-town-murder-songs-2010-four-top-hats/
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hey is was in Fargo and The Big Lebowski. Gotta get points for that.
Thanks for the link 😀
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And BTW I’m still thinking about MI: 3 – I want it to be something special
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oooo I’m excited! Can’t wait 😀
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You play any music instruments?
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‘ You know this is excatly my problem with horror movies. People always find room to rant and moan about anything but the plot, I mean what did technology ever do to you, huh punk! ‘ – Sent from my iPhone –
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HAHA!!! If you must know, technology stole my wallet. It is deceitful!! And greedy!
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Awesome review Jordan! That blender scene is going to stay with me for a while.
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Hi Kim!! Did you survive the holidays?? Remind me to never throw footballs with a group of twenty year olds. That was a big mistake.
#sore
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I did Eric. How was your party, besides the football throwing?
#happymonday
#trolls
#hugs
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It was a great time I am just old and out of shape HAHAHA!
#soreshoulders
#sunburn
#mondayhugs
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You and me both!
#absentia
#yourock
#loveeric
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I was just going to ask!!!! You liked???
#waitingwaiting
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I really did! I wasn’t really sure at first, but then as the suspense started to build, I was hooked! I kept thinking of The 3 Billy Goats Gruff!
#dontgointo
#tunnels
#ericsthebest
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YES!!! How about that music???
#absentiarules
#kimisthebest
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Awesome! Isn’t it funny how sometimes the best movies are the low budget ones?
#hugsforyou
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YEP!!!
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Not old! Just out-of-shape. That’s what happens when you sit inside watching shitfest movies all day! lol. Get physically active and you will feel young again. 🙂
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LOL – My shoulders aren’t what they used to be!!
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Thanks! Yeah that blender scene was cool, but it lasts about as long as that GIF. And that is pretty much all that happens, apart from some very silly ‘supernatural’ BS. SO SHITTY!! Avoid if you value your life
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I got the impression that your review is far more entertaining than the movie. I’ll definitely be skipping this one!
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hahaha, thank you!! I’m sure anything could be more entertaining that this mate. And yes, SKIP! Unless you think taking a video of you using a computer to talk to friends for 80 minutes is a good movie pitch 😛
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Ugh!
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Ugh indeed!! Good thing is I didn’t have to pay! 😀
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That’s a relief!
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Indeed, if I hadn’t had the double pass i’d have walked out. My friend hated it even more than me haha
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It seems there’s always one of us on here that stands out and likes the movie being entered into shitfest. I just can’t believe that guy was me for the “Magic Mike” entry. lol. I think this movie would be easier to tolerate if watched in 10 minute increments, but I just have a hard time sitting through 90 minutes of a Skype w/ a bunch of annoying teenagers. lol. Thus far, it seems Kim here is the only fan of this movie. I wonder if there will be anyone else?
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Oh! I actually haven’t seen Unfriended. I just really liked Jordan’s review.😊
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Oh, you were talking about Absentia I see now. I guess that will teach me not to butt into other comments discussions! lol.
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Don’t think anything of it! 😊
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Ugh, thank Christ I’m not the only one who hated Unfriended. How it got such a high score on Rotten Tomatoes is astounding to me.
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HAHA!!! Thanks for the follow too!!
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No problemo. Say, how do I go about sending in my Shitfest review?
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Just type it up and send it to ei@theipc.me
If you want to add pics, just set them as attachments and tell me where to put them!
Can’t wait!
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YES!! Oh my god yes. 60%?! Critics actually liked this?? How can looking at some teenagers computer screen for 80 minutes possibly be made into a movie?!
I actually know why. They showed it to ONE test audience who said they loved it. That sorta stuff makes me sick, test screenings… like we are all the same.
Glad you agreed with my ramblings!!
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Hahaha! Great entry! The bit about the horror movie villain is excellent.
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LOL – that was really funny HAHAH!
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Thanks man!! 🙂 Fellow praise from a defending champion! Coolness!
I wasn’t lying though. The villain is literally a blank Skype face on a laptop screen. Crazy bad movie!
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Sounds a ridiculously bad film. Thanks for the funny review. Sounds like the writer should have stuck his head in the blender.
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HA!!!!!! Good one!
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Hahaha!! I like that. He could do it for just a split second like in the movie, that will be enough. I wonder what his head would look like afterwards. Ewww. Probably pretty blended i’m gonna say
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Great Pic, i actually went on a first date to see this film and spent the whole film think ‘What have i done?’ needless to say i never saw her again
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LOL!!!!
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HAHAHA! Oh god that sucks so much, I know the feeling, but DAMN that sounds so appropriate. This movie sucks all kind of arse, I reckon even older teenagers would think this thing is rubbish. I wonder what was going through her head
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I went to see EX MACHINA at the theater and afterwards I walked in the middle of UNFRIENDED to see how it was. I sat down and after a minute I was like “This Skype scene is so long. When are they going to go to school – or leave the house?” Then after a couple more minutes I realized the Skype scene WAS the movie! lol.
Every 5 seconds there was an annoying chime of a new person calling in on the chat – or someone sending an IM to someone in the chat. Then some girls started arguing over who said what. Then I had enough and left; it wasn’t even worth staying to watch for free in a nearly empty theater.
Great selection, Jordan!
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And not only is it one giant skype chat, it is so BORING!! Half of it is the girl sorting her music playlist and idiotic shit like that. Good call on walking out. I’m surprised I didn’t actually!!
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And did you PAY MONEY for this, too??
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I had a free double pass. There is no way I would have paid for this
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ok, good!! lol.
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what did you think of Ex Machina mate?
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Man, I don’t know. I don’t know. Still don’t know. It’s one of those films I can’t decide if I loved it or hated it. I didn’t like the ending, but it makes sense in the story. I liked everything up until the ending. I liked the acting and I loved the set that I thought was brilliantly designed.
What I think could have made it better was if the guy just SKYPED Ava for a 90 minute conversation!! lol.
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HAHAHA! Yeah the set was really something. I kinda liked the ending, I certainly didn’t see it coming. I’d have to watch it again to see if I liked it or not
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Yeah, the ending wasn’t bad. I was just disappointed. I think it made a point, though. It was just very unfortunate.
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That’s a pretty good assessment
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And my friend hated it even more than I did!!
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Yes, exactly Greg. One long freaking Skype conversation. Like I said above, you can leave your computer at work, and go to the movies… to watch another computer screen. Incredible that this gotta such major distribution really
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Ha! You watched this?!? Yeah, it was just called Cybernatural in the UK. I just…. Can’t. I just can’t watch this. I hate people like these!!!!! Nice review, though! 🙂
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This looks pretty shitty….
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Yeah I had a double pass for it. It was for that movie only, would never had watched it otherwise. It was with a younger friend of mine and I thought she’d like it, you know, but she hated it more than me and we traded horrible parts of the movie to each other. Hahahaha it was such trash!!!
And…Cybernatural. I mean, that just says it all.
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Barf, this movie is like my own personal nightmare!!
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Barf seems right!!
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Mine too. In retrospect I have no idea why I went to see it!!
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Love this entry!! I thought this movie looked terrible. I’ll still watch it, but now this is all I’ll be able to think about. HAHAHA!! That’s going to make the movie MUCH more enjoyable. Thanks!
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My #satanicbestie !! did you have a good weekend????
#squintiesforever
#crepescrepescrepes
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I did! I’m actually on vacation, visiting my mom in western Canada (Kelowna, British Columbia) so we’ve been busy busy busy doing fun stuff and spending time together 🙂 Just finding some time now to catch up on all the wonderful posts I’ve been missing.
How was your weekend??
#satanicbestiesforever
#creepsiesforever
#sataniclampalways
#crepes
#existentialpigs
#squinties
#sangriasangriasangria
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WHAT??? You told me you weer going to see your mom but not SO SOON???? I JUST recovered from your last vacation!!!!
Mine was good – tiring but good….
#satanicbestiesforever
#existentialpigs
#nooatmeal
#nobrocolli
#zucchinivendetta
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Haha, I’m still going to try and put up posts. Today was crazy but there should be a post up tomorrow and I’ve been working on my Shitfest entry! (sorry it’s late)
Why are you tired?
#zucchinisaregreat
#crepesarebetter
#sangriaisthebest
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OK GOOD!!!!!!! I missed you today!
I can’t wait for your shitfest!! GIMME GIMME!!!
I’m tired because I spent all day out in the hot sun on Saturday doing things like swimming and throwing footballs and playing bocce ball. And drinking beer all day.
#staniclampsalways
#creepsforever
#existentialpigs
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Those are tiring things! I just did them all here in Kelowna and I’m DRAINED. Ugh. Such a strenuous life we lead 🙂
#alifeofluxuryisalifeof…. Stress?
#shitfestforever
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Hahaha awesome, I hope this post can make this a better movie for anyone! Thanks Mel! 🙂
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Great post, Jordan! I laughed quite a bit, and it seems like Skype has taken Product Placement to a whole new level.
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Wasn’t this funny?
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Very much. Loved the albino remark. Haha
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Yep!
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Shitfest has been amazing so far, all 3 posts are complete knockouts.
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It’s been AWESOME!!
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aww cheers guys 🙂 appreciate it
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hahaha good call about the product placement! The entire movie was a fucking cunt of a skype conversation, complete with ‘seriously’s and I’m pretty sure I heard OMG, or certain ‘oh MY god’
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OMG, this movie sounds terrible and painful to the eyes! Jordan, you have suffered so. Awesome post!
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Yes and Yes, you are entirely correct. I think I said above somewhere, I think older teenagers would think this is dumb. The only reason it got any distribution was cos it got a good reaction with a test audience. Like we are all the same! They must have roped in a reeeally certain demographic to get a good reaction to this shitty, shitty movie.
And thank you for the kind words and condolences 🙂
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And this, is why I love Shitfest! Good work!
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thank you Laura! This is my first time around, I hope it made some people smile! 🙂 That is the fun of this, I can write in a totally different way to I normally do. Shitfest is indeed a grand time!
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woops!
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You did well! I kind of want to see this now, though… don’t judge me.
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No judging! 😛 And thanks!!! I drank more than I normally would to write that, there is no way I could have written that sober, ha!
Hahaha watch the movie and keep my post in mind. Hopefully it makes it a less shitty experience!! ;P
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thank you Laura! This is my first time around, I hope it made some people smile! 🙂 That is the fun of this, I can write in a totally different way to I normally do. Shitfest is indeed a grand time!
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Between this and You’re Next I’m never using a blender again.
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You have nothing to worry about.. unless you have a Skype chat with an albino bastard!! Then you’ll become possessed like that bigger fella.
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Poor Adam West…
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Blimey!
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Hahahahaha! That cracked me up!
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Fuck yeah. I was waiting for someone to do Unfriended. It’s a complete and utter rip off of ‘The Upper Footage’ and ‘The Den’ – both of which are actually worth your time!
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I haven’t seen Upper Footage but I have seen The Den and I quite liked it. One of the only movies to give me an almost scare in a long time.
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Thanks for the rec man! I didn’t realise this idea had actually been done before, let alone in a good way. This movie though is utter trash!!
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Love this write-up! I’m never, ever going to see this film because it just sounds like shite. Plus that blender image has scarred me for life!
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I think that’s a good decision!! Let’s make a blood pact!!
#bloodsies
#blendersies
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Thanks for the kind words Anna 🙂 And yes, you are making a wise decision!! You just KNOW a movie is bad when there are so many funny GIFs made from it! ha!
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LOL, had a great laugh here Jordan!
“What awful intentions does that backward-tittied albino bastard have up his sleeves!?” – truly a classic.
And “Cybernatural”???? Jeesh, this movie doesn’t really stand a chance!
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Sounds shit, huh……
: )
#giuseppe
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thanks Zoë! 🙂
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…Is it bad that I kinda liked this movie?
*slowly backs out of the room*
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um………… I have yet to see it but I remember how much you yelled at me when I didn’t hate Paranormal The Marked Ones…………
#………………………
#itloves
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Well if you see this and hate it we’ll call it even. Hahaha. 😉
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#xoxoxox
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This entry is insanely hilarious!!! More, more, more!!!!
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I watched this yesterday and it was SO SHIT! Those teenagers were just awful, I hated them all and the whole Skype business got right on my tits. Yaaaaawn!
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My Dearest fn,
#disconnect
Love,
ei
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I wanna see it!
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