Written by: Jordan Dodd aka the Epileptic Moondancer.
Do you remember, way back, when catching up with friends was fun? We’d watch a movie or a dumb TV show, or maybe something more. But it was a social experience. We ‘hung out’.
THAT SHIT IS DEAD. UNDERSTAND?
Nowadays, friends of mine take out their phone, or their bloody tablet, as soon as they arrive, chatting to other people or sending twitter messages along the lines of “Hi! I’m at Jordy’s house being a massively rude cunt cos he is more boring than cornflakes!! ROFL OMG!!”
I can understand that reaction, really, I can. A goldfish could win in an excitement contest if pitted against me. But take that Facebook mentality that makes me want to snap the necks of cute kittens, turn the knob to eleven, and we have ourselves a movie:
And if you think that is bad, their original title was Cybernatural. Ha!!
Some have tried (and failed, HARD) to label this bag of horse flies as innovative. Some actually try to say that it adds to the canon of horror film because of said innovation.
To that I say No, No, and HELL FUCKING NO WITH A BAG FULL OF DOG EXCREMENT.
Let me ask you a question or three. Or five.
Do you enjoy staring intently at the same laptop screen for an entire movie’s runtime? Do you enjoy straining your eyes to read chat messages within said laptop screen? Does the action of a mouse pointer moving over a computer’s desktop give you a semi?
What about the sound of adolescent, teenage morons screaming over the top of each other??
If you answered yes to this quiz, then feel LUCKY!!! Personally, I find that the sound of teenagers screaming all at once, over a Skype connection, is akin to nails on a chalkboard. But… if this isn’t the case, then this movie is for you! I’m sure you will enjoy it, I know this bloke sure did…
GodDAMN it really does look like he is having a blast! God, how much more fun could you have with a blender?! It seems this sizable chap just can’t get enough of the movie, it is THAT fucking ground-breaking!!
Perhaps it isn’t so bad then…. I mean, it just wants to have some fun!
See….!? It just wants to play! Who doesn’t like a good game?
But I guess now we need a villain… I mean, this is a horror film. We need a scary, evil, sly fucker who thrives on eating live uterus for shits and giggles….
Scared? I know I’m fucking terrified. What could that image be? Can a person really be shaped like that? Surely not! Fucking albino cunt, he has tits that point towards his face with a perfect blue sky background to match. Which is kinda cool in a strange way I suppose… But still… Fuck him! Fuck It! It is EVIL!! I mean, just look at the powers at his disposal!
Jesus fucking Joseph on a crucifix, it can turn the lights off!! And the expression on its face STILL hasn’t changed!!
I don’t know if I can take much more, my heart is ready to explode. If only there was some comedic relief to relieve the tension….
Perfect! Now she DEFINITELY knows how to party! Finally this movie is lightening up a bit…
…But what about the villain? What awful intentions does that backward-tittied albino bastard have up his sleeves!? Where is it now!?!?! He, or it, surely have found their targets by now…
Well, any of you who know a person called Adam… YOU ARE CURSED FOR ETERNITY AND BEYOND!!!! Protect your friend Adam at all costs, lest your hand be eternally stuck in a blender while you are forced to listen to constant distorted Skype chat! Congratulations!!
I must extend a major thanx to the Eric-meister as this is my first entry into a Shitfest. I feel blessed, I have finally been baptised by the IPC hellfire! I am clean! My sins are now forgotten!! And to add to that, I had a blast drinking and writing this ludicrous piece for Shitfest Summer, 2015! Thanks Eric!
I hope you all enjoy my insane ravings. 🙂