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Scarface – Shitface(d)
Scarface is an overglorified piece of gangster garbage“
You heard it hear first folks. Never before has one dared take on Brian De Palma’s ‘masterpiece’ with such distaste and admonishment. What’s that? You can’t believe the cult aficionados haven’t hunted me down and hung me from a helicopter yet? Well, believe it baby.
But maybe a story first. This is how I would have preferred Shitface to play out.
—-
“I need to know,” Tony began “what you put in this drink?”
It was clear by now that Mr Tony Montana was tripping serious balls. Never before had anyone sampled hallucinogenic gin and Mr Tony felt like a giddy school boy let out to play early. It hadn’t take long for the toxic liquid to take effect, a matter of minutes in fact, and while his drug overlord pals puffed on their cubans in an oversized house on a security conscious estate, Tony looked beleagured and out of sorts. “Shitfaced” one amused observer noted. Then things took an unexpected turn when Tony quit drooling on the floor for a minute and leapt to his feet.
In a loud, overzealous tone Tony yelled at the top of his voice to no one in particular,
“You wanna fuck with me? Okay. You wanna play rough? Okay. Say hello to my little friend!”
At which point he proceeded to drop his trousers and scream wildly. His adolescent member swung with freedom like a windmill on a breezy summer’s day. This got a chuckle from his sobre cohorts but Mr Alejandro Soza was not amused. His party had been ruined by a cuban thug in a $50 suit and he wanted to cry.
“NO MORE GAMES!” Mr Soza bellowed across the room. At which point the Twister and Monopoly were put away and everybody left disappointed. There’s nothing drug barons love more than playing Monopoly with real money but Tony had ruined everything. His mother always told him he destroyed everything he touched but he had always been either too obtuse or too stoned to see it, so he never really cared. Callous asshole. What a shitfaced callous asshole.
Mrs Elvira Montana always waited for Tony to return from his self-obsessed friends before heading to bed. Tonight was no different. Right on cue Tony waltzes into the lobby and begins his stoner drivel about capitalism, of which Elvira has heard an awful lot. “You know what capitalism is? Getting fucked.” Tony spurted.
Elvira turns to the mirror and whispers, laughing to herself, “Now there’s a line my NA peer group can get on board with.” She tunes back into Tony’s smash-mouth to catch the end trails of his bi-weekly speech.
“…no sir-ey. The kind of capitalism that means you’re crawling around on the floor, dribbling some bullshit that will get you nominated for Best Actor.”
At that she shut off the lights and let him be.
[Three months later] – (a.k.a. because everything in between is shit).
It was 21 July 1983 and it was Mr Tony’s turn to host the drug party. He was excited for his new shipment to arrive so he could begin preparation for the soirée of the season. The ever loyal, ever doomed, Manny could be seen outside signing for deliveries. Elvira was upstairs folding napkins in between eating her fingers and the other goons were polishing silverware and hoovering (vacuuming) the carpet. Mr Tony was in fantastic spirits, it was 10am and he hadn’t quite got through his second kilo of Colombian Marching Powder, a new record! His sponsor would be pleased.
By 9pm the party was in full swing. Engrossed in a game of Cluedo six guests could be seen seated at a lavish dining table set for ten. Although Star Wars Monopoly was their favourite Mr Tony liked to save the big guns for later when everyone was a little loose; or, when nobody could tell the difference between Mos Eisley and the Coruscant Senate. The Colombians produced some potent gear, only the finest powder in all the land, no Peruvian Dancing Dust in sight and yet there was an intruding air of unease.
~ Seriously guys. ~
For it wasn’t to be Mr Tony’s night. From across the smoke filled room, through the french doors, and over the twilight pool Tony could be seen by everyone, fondling a pink statue. Clearly Tony had ignored Elvira’s wise advice, ‘Don’t get high on your own supply.’
From a distance Elvira sighed “Look at him, utterly shitfaced.” Tony, shrieking now, “Come on, pelican! Fly, fly away.” A bystander simply stated “Errr, they’re flamingos dumbass! Go home, you stoned.” To which Mr Tony was furious. He stormed around in a strop until everyone left and he was alone with his thoughts and his cat, a big stripy cat, the sort you’d find at the zoo or a psychopath’s house.
In another of his regular drug induced hazes Tony crawled from room to room yelling “here pelican, pelican, pelican” like his cat wasn’t good enough anymore. Which is a little harsh, after all it’s not Ruby. The poor pussycat purred lamely in the corner, watching with a confused dichotomy of envy and disgust as her owner stumbled around, eyes glazed. Shitfaced.
Amidst the chaos Tony caught his pussy’s eye and sidled over so as not to scare her off, but she was neither bothered nor threatened. She simply retorted “You fuckin’ kiddin’ me man? Are you fucking’ high, man?” Tony just stared a stoner stare and blinked slowly, mouth aghast. Then suddenly an earth-shattering ROAR and a SLASH to the face.
‘Mr Tony fainted! Use next Pokémon?’
—-
I had much more fun writing that than sitting through nigh on three hours of incoherent poop. We’re here then we’re there. We’re up then we’re down. We’re in then we’re out. I thought this was supposed to be some gangster classic but I’m getting a serious Katy Perry vibe.
“Shay hallo to my hlittle fhwend.”
I’m sorry what now? For one of the most famous scenes in gangster cinema Shitface relies solely on this one moment and the film spends 2 and half hours building upto a 23 second clip we can find on YouTube. Fortunately for me this is Shitfest where anything goes so I don’t have to worry about offending anyway, frankly dearies I don’t give a damn.
Shitface is an overglorified piece of gangster garbage that paints the rise and fall of Hannah Montana as she stumbles from party to party all coked up and twerking her slutty money maker. Nope, that’s the true story of Miley Cyrus, my bad.
Shitface is an overglorified piece of gangster garbage that paints the rise and fall of Tony Montana as he stumbles from bar to bar all coked up and shaking his power stick. That’s better.
Everything feels false, emotion is underplayed and there’s a heavy reliance on Tony doing something drastic to save each scene. He’ll shoot this guy, he’ll shoot that guy, he’ll say fuck a lot; fuck does he say fuck a lot. BORING! Even Elvira says “Can’t you stop saying fuck all the time.” as if Palma was having second thoughts or Pacino was improvising willy nilly or Pfeiffer just couldn’t stand it anymore.
Then there’s the shitty scenes that are meant to be tense but are way too distracting for me to care about. I found the loco MC cracking wise at the Babylon more entertaining than the action and that’s mainly because I was trying to figure out what was so damn funny, seriously why is everyone in hysterics in that scene?
I even got a bit bored half-way through and stumbled across this beaut,
Immediately more entertaining than Al Pacino dancing around a phony hardman Cuban accent that’s for sure.
Some call this an ‘iconic’ Pacino performance, I prefer the term ‘grating’.
Shitface is shit.
****
EDITOR’S NOTE: The Shitfest Social is scheduled for July 22 at 12:30 U.S. Central time – the movie is Preservation and the drink of the day is Rumplemintz. Be there or be square!!
This fucking rocked so much, what an outstanding post James.
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isn’t this great?
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Hell yeah, it gave me a laugh.
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Amazing post. I don’t quite hate it as much but I’m not much of a fan of it either
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I didn’t really care for this too much either….
https://isaacspictureconclusions.com/2014/05/15/scarface/
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Haha..Loved this review. Really inventive stuff. Glad you shared it.
Surprisingly enough, people hated this movie when it came out, it bombed at the box-office and had Pacino worrying about his career who was suffering from a string of bad choices during that time than it became a cult classic and has now ascended to being called a classic.
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Also, on a completely unrelated note
I checked out Eric Roberts’s IMDb profile and guess how many movies he made in 2014?
73.
He could totally do your movie if u have a part for him.
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73??? That coke habit must REALLY be getting bad….
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Haha, yes. He’s made another 40 this year. He probably lives in a really lavish trailer.
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In his sister’s back yard….
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I’ve only seen parts of it as it didn’t really appeal to me – and I love gangster films. lol Good job!
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Telltale, you should give this a watch from the beginning so that the scenes are in context. I watched a scene of this out of the blue before I had watched it, and I was bored out of my mind, and switched channels and went on assuming it was dull. A couple years later I was at a friends house and he had Scarface and when i said I hadn’t seen it he insisted to put it on and I told him if I was bored after 30 minutes to turn it off; but once I saw the opening sequence and then the interrogation with Tony Montana, got an idea of his backstory and watched the journey unfold it was really good. And I actually don’t like gangster movies. I actually hated “Good Fellas”. lol. So, if you like gangster films then watch the first act and see if you find it a little more interesting than before.
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You make a good point. 🙂
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I just tweeted you the opening sequence and the first scene; you can see for yourself if it looks interesting. I was hooked after watching Montana’s first scene and wanted to know what he was going to do next and Pacino’s performance was masterful.
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Thanks, will check it out in a bit. 🙂
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I know Gary has replied already but —–> I didn’t really like this very much… #FYI
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lol
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Brilliant! I’m not a fan of Mafia/gangster movies, but I tried this years ago because of the hype and hated it. Your version is much more entertaining!
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Sweet Kim! I tried this last year because of the hype and I figured it was something I needed to see and I didn’t really care too much for it… it was SO loud and noisy!
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It’s so good to hear I’m not the only one. I really don’t care for this genre. I didn’t even like The Godfather. 😕
#loveeric
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I didn’t either!!! And I took a lot of shit for it!!!!
#greatminds
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I did as well! I felt like such an ingrate.😕 Learning my lesson from Scarface nod The Godfather, I didn’t even try The Sopranos. I’m definitely not a glutton for punishment.
#hugs
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I’ve never watched a single episode!
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You have no idea how much better you’ve made me feel Eric! 😊
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We rule!!
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#totally
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Okay, have to get my comments in:
1. I watched “the Godfather” for the first time in like 2006-07 b/c I also am not a fan of gangster/mafia films for the most part. But I liked it a lot. I thought Brando was incredible.
2. I hate “Good Fellas”!
3. I watched “The Sopranos” pilot and half of the 2nd episode and absolutely hated it! It was so dull and forced. Edie Falco’s performance was just so over-the-top and eye-rollingly lame. You guys didn’t miss anything! I just don’t get all the hype.
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That’s so good to hear! 😊
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Did you and Isaacs like Good Fellas?
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I thought Goodfellas was “OK” at best… I don’t get all of the love for it….
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I agree. Pesci’s great performance was the only good thing about the film. I hated his character!! lol.
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I agree with that – he was about the only good thing there….
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I don’t know about Eric, but I never tried Good Fellas.
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I love this. I particularly love the sneaky Pokemon twist at the end, if only they included that in the original film!
P.S. So excited for Shitfest Social!
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Preservation here we come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#socialies
#preservationies
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YES, to the Ruby shout-out. Also, the ‘Use Next Pokémon’ gag was genius!
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#shitfestforever
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Had to get her in there somewhere, even better when she featured in your post as well, poor Ruby! Hahaa I typed it as a joke and then went with it glad to enjoyed it
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This movie would have been 100 times better if the actual Elvira starred in it.
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This one?
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That’s the one! Or, two.
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Shake it don’t break it, baby!
NOW TAKE OFF YOUR PANTIES AND GET ON THE GROUND!
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Oh my god I was picturing THAT Elvira as I was reading it, too!
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: )))))))))))
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:)))))))) back at you dearest Pen!
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XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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P.S rumplemintz?!!!! 😀
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As an aperitif!
#apritifs
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The only beef I have with Scarface is the incestuous obsession with his sister. Poor Maid Marian, all she wanted was a normal life.
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Yeah Smash, that part felt a little out of place to me; almost like Hollywood has the constant need to add some sort of unnecessary perverted element in nearly every big movie they make.
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It’s so weird… he’s this huge drug kingpin and he’s hot for his sister? I think they could have had the same impact just with him being an overprotective brother.
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Yes, exactly! Just non-sensical.
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Ehhhhhhh…. what’s wrong a little incest these days??? Kids today!
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Hahaha, gross!! You don’t have siblings do you?
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HAHAHA – just a half brother : ) : )
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Ha! Nice post! Even though I like this movie just fine…. Lol. It just shows that we all like different things! (Especially Eric) 😉
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If we all liked the same things we’d just be a bunch of fucking wankers!!!
#YouTosser
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I think there were some elements of the story you were missing here:
The opening scene was masterfully done:
*Giorgio Moroder’s score is a classic. The music playing over the opening sequence as we watch the immigrants flee Cuba over to the USA in hopes of a better life is amazing.
*Then we open up to Tony Montana being interrogated by Immigration and we learn about who Tony Montana is, and the first thing I always noticed about this was how masterfully Pacino portrayed Montana; following his Micheal Corleone, Serpico, Dog Day Afternoon and Justice For All performances, he turns around and embodies an entirely different character and makes the character look like who he is, when in reality Pacino and Montana sound nothing alike. This is a performance of a lifetime.
I think so many became captivated by the character not b/c of the profanity, but b/c Pacino and De Palma created a different character than we had seen before at that time in 1983, and pop-culture took to the “never back down” and “no kow-towing” persona that emulated strength and confidence.
*The problem with his character and that persona is when his thirst for money and power became unquenchable. Greed bares dire consequences.
And that’s the moral of the story, which I think is a good one.
I agree there was a bit too much profanity, but that’s the case in many films. If we were to toss every movie out there that had excessive F-bombs then we could throw in “Good Fellas”, “Pulp Fiction” and “The Departed” among many others.
With that in mind, this is shitfest and the good thing about Isaac’s rules is he allows us to submit anything, regardless if he or anyone else may personally disagree, so, you can tell me to say hello to your little friend, and drop a missile launcher in my face. 🙂
And the “Say hello to my little friend!” line really was such a small part of the movie. You know what I thought was intriguing was when Montana refused to blow-up the car once he discovered there were kids in there; ironically, what ultimately destroyed Tony and his empire was his heart.
I just thought the story was really good and had strong writing…
Good write-up, regardless. 🙂
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Now that’s what I call a passionate defence of a movie.
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I’ve been defending half of the entries, thus far!!! I need Isaacs to watch “Boyhood” and submit it, so that I can agree w/ the author! 🙂
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I remember your defence of Magic Mike.
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Yeah…and Leprechaun!! LOL. But not Jordan’s “Unfriended”. No defense there!
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It was good that you didn’t really agree with my review but you thought it was well-written.
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I’m not watching that shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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I didn’t like this one very much either……..
https://isaacspictureconclusions.com/2014/05/15/scarface/
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Yeah, I read that review a while ago. I will revisit, though. I think you found it boring if I remember correctly.
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Boring and loud…. sent you an email in case it went to spam –
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At any rate…
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Which a lot of emails from that gmail do….
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Hahaaaa say it again, again!!
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Preach!
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This post is absolutely fucking genius and I LOVE IT when people rip apart a popular movie. Hahahahahaha – in your face.
He always annoyed me when he’s mouthing off at the end, I love the word FUCK and even I got tired of it. Just shoot him already.
Brilliant, brilliant, brilliant post James!!!!!!!!!!!
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Love it!!
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It’s the same as you doing Birdman, just love it!!!!!!!!!! Sometimes people are too afraid to admit they hate something that is popular and ‘revered’. Fuck it!
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You know it, Clam!!!!!!!!
#fuckbirdman
#pensandclamsforever
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And just to make sure everything is aligned correctly, I just started working on my post for Zombeavers – for AFTER Shitfest!
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My mum loves that film!!!
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So do I!!!!
#zombeavers
#xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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#zombeavers
#cabinfever(s)
Dunno what I’m going on about!!
<33333333333333
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Do you have the vapors???
#thevapors
#pensandclams
P.S.
< 3 < 3 < 3 < 3 < 3
#extras
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Thanks Emma you’re the best! Fuck Montana right
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I am definitely not one afraid to admit I hate something popular. lol.
I think “Good Fellas” is terrible! I HATED Ray Liotta’s narration; his voice was so grating! I felt like I was watching an episode of “The Wonder Years”…
I really did like Scarface and what Pacino did in the role, though; the accent and mannerisms; one of the greatest performances in cinema.
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An episode of The Wonder Years ha ha ha! I hate Forest Gump!!!
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You’re so mean, Emma!! 🙂
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No I’m not!!!!! Haha 🙂
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Great post, James! Love this entry! I don’t mind this movie, but I love your perspective of it. I thought the Miley Cyrus bit was particularly hilarious, haha!
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: ) : )
#satanicbestiesforever
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Thanks Mel 🙂
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Epic, James! EPIC! Riotous and well, kinda on point, as well.
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Thanks David, I must admit your Les Mis post was particularly enjoyable, I haven’t seen it but the trailer made me want to run out the room with a medicine ball tied to my ball sack
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Well put. That is probably more enjoyable.
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Disclaimer: Don’t try this at home
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That’s a promise you can count on.
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Hhahahaha great post!! I love the movie but this made me laugh. Good stuff!!
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Love it Jordan? Who am I to judge right #consideryourselfjudged
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haha!!
#shamed
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#shitfestbaby
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Hmmmmm, I can’t tell, a fan or not?? 😉
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And if the movie wasn’t dreary enough, remember the regrettable Scarface fashion trend from about 10 years ago? All the more reason to hate it. Shitface indeed.
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You know, Shitface is a much better title than Scarface. This is one funny post! Thanks for the Pokemon flashback.
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Shitface is a crack up!
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Thanks 🙂 and you’re welcome
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Scarface in Shitfest? Say it ain’t so!
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(I wasn’t a big fan either)
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YES!!! Glad to see I wasn’t the only one who hated this monstrous piece of garbage!
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Simply awful!
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I’m actually not sure I’ve ever seen Scarface…
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I’d love to tell you “it’s a classic and that you are missing out, go out and buy it immediately” and all that jazz. But, just don’t.
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Reblogged this on Back to the Viewer and commented:
KATY PERRY CRIES!
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