Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015 ~ SUMMER: CRYSTAL FAIRY AND THE MAGICAL CACTUS (2013)

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(CINEMA PARROT DISCO)
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Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus

Directed by Sebastián Silva

Starring:
Michael Cera
Gaby Hoffmann

Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
As Jamie (Michael Cera) travels in Chile, he invites an eccentric woman (Gaby Hoffmann) to join his group’s quest to score a fabled hallucinogen, a move that finds him at odds with his new companion, until they drink the magic brew on a beach at the edge of the desert.

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My Opinion:

I’m really sick of Gaby Hoffmann’s bush. That thing is everywhere! I had to look at it in this pretentious piece of indie bullshit then I had to see it again in TV show Girls (that I totally haven’t watched every episode of since I have better taste than that). Like I also haven’t been watching Grey’s Anatomy for ten years of my damn life. At least they keep killing the main characters off in that… It’s turning into Game Of Thrones! Heck, I’ve seen less bush in all of Game Of Thrones than I have on Gaby Hoffmann. Which doesn’t seem very realistic in olde worlde times – surely the women should be more “natural”??

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Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus starts off with Michael Cera trying to flush his turd down a toilet. He’s high and he just watches it spin around & around for a while. I guess it was meant to symbolize how the audience would feel while watching this goddamn movie for the next 99 minutes? I have to say that Cera’s turd was a far more likeable character than his selfish dickhead Jamie or Hoffmann’s obnoxious boho Crystal Fairy. This movie is set in Chile and Jamie is travelling with three Chilean brothers in search of the San Pedro cactus, which will get them high. The brothers are actually really cute and pretty sweet.

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Unfortunately, the two American characters are obnoxious as hell! After the turd incident, Cera’s character sees Hoffmann’s dancing like a weirdo and being made fun of at a party so he feels sorry for her and invites her to join him on their magical cactus road trip. He later regrets his decision and tries to ditch her then, when he isn’t able to, he treats her like shit through the rest of the movie. Which makes for a really fun watch! He dubs her “Crystal Hairy” after this scene:

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I don’t know… It’s not like I hated this movie just because Gaby Hoffmann got naked. Well, it’s a little disturbing as she’ll always be Uncle Buck’s cute little niece to me…. I suppose it’s good seeing what a “real” naked woman looks like as opposed to the completely hairless, airbrushed, fake-titted types you see in porn these days (and daily on The IPC). 😉 My issue with this movie is that THESE PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES! WHY do movies get made that are full of hateful characters? After a few minutes of watching this, you’ll want to punch the two main stars in the face. At the very VERY end of this movie, you get a story from Hoffmann’s character that sort of explains why she is the way she is but it feels very contrived and, by that point, you really just want the film to end. *FINAL SCENE SPOILER*…. Then, after being a dickhead for an hour & a half, Cera’s character looks at the sketches Crystal Fairy has left behind & smiles at the portrait she’s drawn of him. Look at this beautiful piece of work!

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Ha! That’s hilarious. That’s even worse than the drawing of my boobs for my Moshi Monsters Shitfest entry!

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Summary:

Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus sucks. If you want to watch a couple of twats drive around and talk and talk and talk about nothing interesting before finally arriving on a beach and getting high, be my guest. Oh, don’t forget that unflushable turd! That really was the highlight of the film. You’ll also be treated to a glimpse of a photo of Crystal Fairy using a strap-on dildo on some dude (I’m not kidding – I had to rewind that bit simply because I thought I must have been seeing things). Now, in the tradition of The IPC, I’ll include nude photos of Gaby Hoffmann from this & from Girls. Enjoy!

My Rating: 2/10

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Maybe I’m being too harsh on Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus. I decided to ask some other people what they thought of the film and the response was mostly positive. Here’s what they had to say:

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Martin Scorsese: “You talkin’ to me? Oh – Gaby Hoffmann? She’s great! I don’t know what it is about her but she reminds me of myself at that age. She should look into directing.”

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Frida Kahlo: “This movie was surreal. A true work of art! And the portraits drawn by Hoffmann’s Crystal Fairy are the most beautiful things I’ve seen since Luke Abbott‘s brother’s Game Of Thrones drawings.”

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Dan Hedaya: “I’m not ARGUING that with you! Hairy! Hairy. Hairy. Yeah, Hairy…”

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Alec Baldwin: *Incoherent rant left on my voicemail* (Um. I have no idea if he liked this movie or not but he sounded angry about something…)

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Teen Wolf: “This movie was good! It was no Back To The Future but I liked it. I’d love two minutes alone in a closet with Gaby Hoffmann. Can she join my basketball team?”

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Cousin Itt: “Was I on The Munsters or The Addams Family? I always get those confused. As for this movie, I loved it! Hoffmann is a true talent.”

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Chewbacca: “This movie was pretty good. Having been ridiculed & called a walking carpet, I could really identify with Hoffmann’s character. She was great in this film. As for Michael Cera, though, I want to rip his arms out of their sockets.”

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Mr. Bigglesworth :
“I’d rather choke on a hairball than ever watch Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus again. This movie has upset me. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people die. Watch your back, Michael Cera.”

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I’ll now leave you with a Crystal Fairy haiku:

Searching for cactus
Michael Cera’s turd won’t flush!
Gaby Hoffmann’s bush

170 comments

  1. emmakwall

    Haha, love this!! I have nothing against Michael Cera (that I know of) but he has been in some really shit movies and played some really annoying, pretentious characters.

    And OMG fuck me moment – that’s the kid from Uncle Buck?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No fucking way.

    She gets her vag out too much but I have nothing against big bush.
    Great, hilarious entry (as I expected) and the comparison with the turd going down the toilet and how the audience felt made me laugh out loud 🙂

    Liked by 6 people

    Reply
  6. GaryGreg828

    Did someone enter this into an earlier shitfest? I know I have seen it somewhere before. Have there been films entered multiple times into SF??? If it’s allowed, Boyhood should be entered into each competition! lol.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

  12. Pingback: Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus (2013) Review For Shitfest At The IPC | Cinema Parrot Disco

  18. Smash

    Oh man, great job T9! This entry just soared to the top of the class!
    Any post that includes Cousin IT and Mr. Bigglesworth is a slam dunk.

    Also, what the hell happened to Gabby Hoffman? She used to be cute and now she looks like some 50 year old boho housewife… damn. She really went to shit.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  19. Tom

    Goddamn, Mutant me and you hate this movie with equal passion! This was one of the stupidest, most pointless, ass-dragging and ass-backwards pieces of velociraptor shit I have had the displeasure of raping my eyeballs with.

    I actually had forgotten how naked Gaby Hoffman gets in this but I guess it wasn’t much worth remembering. Her character was just utterly obnoxious. But i think, from what I can recall of this after what was probably a full-frontal lobotomy directly after watching it, Michael Cera did manage to top her. What a bunch of fuckclowns.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

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  24. abbiosbiston

    She really does love getting her minge out. She’s in ab Amazon Prime show called Transparent and would you believe it her muff is all over the place. I suppose at least her vagfro saves us from seeing the whole enchilada Rosario Dawson style.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply
  25. Laura

    Love it, Mutant! This film sounds truly awful and not totally dissimilar to the other Cera monstrosity Magic Magic which I fucking hated about as much as I hated Trance, and that’s fucking saying something.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  28. mistylayne

    Well this was sad-making! (Hilarious but sad-making) because this has been in my queue for quite awhile (seemed like something you most definitely had to be in the mood to watch). Dammit, Shitfest, quit ruining things. ;-p

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply

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