SUBMITTED BY:
Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus
Directed by Sebastián Silva
Starring:
Michael Cera
Gaby Hoffmann
Plot Synopsis: (via IMDB)
As Jamie (Michael Cera) travels in Chile, he invites an eccentric woman (Gaby Hoffmann) to join his group’s quest to score a fabled hallucinogen, a move that finds him at odds with his new companion, until they drink the magic brew on a beach at the edge of the desert.
My Opinion:
I’m really sick of Gaby Hoffmann’s bush. That thing is everywhere! I had to look at it in this pretentious piece of indie bullshit then I had to see it again in TV show Girls (that I totally haven’t watched every episode of since I have better taste than that). Like I also haven’t been watching Grey’s Anatomy for ten years of my damn life. At least they keep killing the main characters off in that… It’s turning into Game Of Thrones! Heck, I’ve seen less bush in all of Game Of Thrones than I have on Gaby Hoffmann. Which doesn’t seem very realistic in olde worlde times – surely the women should be more “natural”??
Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus starts off with Michael Cera trying to flush his turd down a toilet. He’s high and he just watches it spin around & around for a while. I guess it was meant to symbolize how the audience would feel while watching this goddamn movie for the next 99 minutes? I have to say that Cera’s turd was a far more likeable character than his selfish dickhead Jamie or Hoffmann’s obnoxious boho Crystal Fairy. This movie is set in Chile and Jamie is travelling with three Chilean brothers in search of the San Pedro cactus, which will get them high. The brothers are actually really cute and pretty sweet.
Unfortunately, the two American characters are obnoxious as hell! After the turd incident, Cera’s character sees Hoffmann’s dancing like a weirdo and being made fun of at a party so he feels sorry for her and invites her to join him on their magical cactus road trip. He later regrets his decision and tries to ditch her then, when he isn’t able to, he treats her like shit through the rest of the movie. Which makes for a really fun watch! He dubs her “Crystal Hairy” after this scene:
I don’t know… It’s not like I hated this movie just because Gaby Hoffmann got naked. Well, it’s a little disturbing as she’ll always be Uncle Buck’s cute little niece to me…. I suppose it’s good seeing what a “real” naked woman looks like as opposed to the completely hairless, airbrushed, fake-titted types you see in porn these days (and daily on The IPC). 😉 My issue with this movie is that THESE PEOPLE ARE ASSHOLES! WHY do movies get made that are full of hateful characters? After a few minutes of watching this, you’ll want to punch the two main stars in the face. At the very VERY end of this movie, you get a story from Hoffmann’s character that sort of explains why she is the way she is but it feels very contrived and, by that point, you really just want the film to end. *FINAL SCENE SPOILER*…. Then, after being a dickhead for an hour & a half, Cera’s character looks at the sketches Crystal Fairy has left behind & smiles at the portrait she’s drawn of him. Look at this beautiful piece of work!
Ha! That’s hilarious. That’s even worse than the drawing of my boobs for my Moshi Monsters Shitfest entry!
Summary:
Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus sucks. If you want to watch a couple of twats drive around and talk and talk and talk about nothing interesting before finally arriving on a beach and getting high, be my guest. Oh, don’t forget that unflushable turd! That really was the highlight of the film. You’ll also be treated to a glimpse of a photo of Crystal Fairy using a strap-on dildo on some dude (I’m not kidding – I had to rewind that bit simply because I thought I must have been seeing things). Now, in the tradition of The IPC, I’ll include nude photos of Gaby Hoffmann from this & from Girls. Enjoy!
My Rating: 2/10
Maybe I’m being too harsh on Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus. I decided to ask some other people what they thought of the film and the response was mostly positive. Here’s what they had to say:
Martin Scorsese: “You talkin’ to me? Oh – Gaby Hoffmann? She’s great! I don’t know what it is about her but she reminds me of myself at that age. She should look into directing.”
Frida Kahlo: “This movie was surreal. A true work of art! And the portraits drawn by Hoffmann’s Crystal Fairy are the most beautiful things I’ve seen since Luke Abbott‘s brother’s Game Of Thrones drawings.”
Dan Hedaya: “I’m not ARGUING that with you! Hairy! Hairy. Hairy. Yeah, Hairy…”
Alec Baldwin: *Incoherent rant left on my voicemail* (Um. I have no idea if he liked this movie or not but he sounded angry about something…)
Teen Wolf: “This movie was good! It was no Back To The Future but I liked it. I’d love two minutes alone in a closet with Gaby Hoffmann. Can she join my basketball team?”
Cousin Itt: “Was I on The Munsters or The Addams Family? I always get those confused. As for this movie, I loved it! Hoffmann is a true talent.”
Chewbacca: “This movie was pretty good. Having been ridiculed & called a walking carpet, I could really identify with Hoffmann’s character. She was great in this film. As for Michael Cera, though, I want to rip his arms out of their sockets.”
Mr. Bigglesworth :
“I’d rather choke on a hairball than ever watch Crystal Fairy & The Magical Cactus again. This movie has upset me. And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, people die. Watch your back, Michael Cera.”
I’ll now leave you with a Crystal Fairy haiku:
Searching for cactus
Michael Cera’s turd won’t flush!
Gaby Hoffmann’s bush
Haha, love this!! I have nothing against Michael Cera (that I know of) but he has been in some really shit movies and played some really annoying, pretentious characters.
And OMG fuck me moment – that’s the kid from Uncle Buck?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No fucking way.
She gets her vag out too much but I have nothing against big bush.
Great, hilarious entry (as I expected) and the comparison with the turd going down the toilet and how the audience felt made me laugh out loud 🙂
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I like your defence of big bush Emma.
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Lol! I just don’t feel women should be obliged to look like porn stars. Bore off!
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It’s their body, they can do what they want with it.
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Too right brother, testify!
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I’m all about equal rights, I wish the world had no discrimination at all.
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Me too but that’ll never happen 😦
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We can but wish. On another note, are you submitting an entry for Shitfest?
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I’m not sure it’s pretty late in the day and I struggle to think of films. I really do!
Me and Eric are just finishing off a joint post though 🙂
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Ooh, a joint post. That sounds very intriguing.
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Mmmmm hmmmmm!
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Thanks, Emma! 🙂 And… Right on, sister! I really have nothing against how Hoffmann chooses to, er, look while naked. I FAR prefer this to the pathetic “porn star” look! I was actually much more offended by the full frontal nudity in the movie Trance. So uncalled for! But as this movie made me want to punch things, it’s hard to not focus on the nudity as something to pick on. 😉 Although it was Cera’s character that I hated the most!!! I wouldn’t say I really have anything against him as an actor but he’s a hateful character in this one.
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Bald is not beautiful in my opinion : ) : )
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Haven’t seen this one but I FUCKING HATED TRANCE WHAT A TOTAL LOAD OF WANK IT MADE ME WANT TO RUN SCREAMING THROUGH THE CINEMA AND TEAR THE SCREEN DOWN http://wp.me/s3sWVR-trance
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My dear fn,
Like.
Yours,
ei
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Hahaha! I’ll have to have a look at your rant later. I hated that thing too!!!! And that full frontal bit was so unnecessary! Ugh. And it’s creepy she was Boyle’s girlfriend at the time or whatever? It was like “hey everyone – look at my naked girlfriend!”
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They were together? Yuk! That makes it soooooo much worse!
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Yeah…. I believe so! Totally gross.
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Yuuuuuuuuuuuk!
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I can’t stand Michael Cera….. but I have to weigh in that I do prefer some business down there…. maybe not a huge afro but… you know…
Love Pen!!! Happy Friday!!
P.S. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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I’m talking a huge afro and big hoop earrings man! (not me just generally)
Michael Cera can be kind of annoying and takes the ‘shy but cool indie kid’ thing to the extreme!!!!
I don’t really like “smart” teen movies. I like dumb teen movies! There – I said it! And my favourite film he’s been in is definitely Superbad!!!!!! (that film is great)
Juno is probably the most annoying film I can think of but that’s more to do with the script.
Happy Friday!!!
Monday can ———————-> stay away and fuck off!
#megutscoop xxxxxxx
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This reminds me of a time when I was a kid. Well – 9th grade or so. My mom had one of her friends over and we decided to go to the neighborhood swimming pool. I was just getting into – you know – dating and chicks and when we go to the pool my mom’s friend took off her towel and her hair down there was all coming out of her bathing suit… I didn’t love it….
Love Pen!!!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
#megutscoop
#meguts
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Thanks for, um, the TMI on your horny 9th grade self! Lol. 😉 Emma! I kind of liked Juno. Damn. There, I said it. 😉 #afrosrule
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Juno????????? Boyhood??????
#divorce
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Great post.This sounds sooooo pretentious.
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Thanks! 🙂 Ugh. It is… 😦 Not sure why I (or how I managed to) finish it!
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I had never even heard of this and I still want to kick it in the nuts!
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I want to kick Gaby Hoffman in the crotch!
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Let’s do this!!
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Let me just put on my football cleats
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Right on!
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OUCH! Lol
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HA!
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Hahahaha! That was fantastic … This film sounds like a pretentious piece of nonsense! Loved the quotes at the end 🙂
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Thanks! Ugh. This movie sucked. And the sad thing is that I didn’t even specifically watch this for Shitfest! Lol.
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This thing sounds like unbelievable bullshit. Using a quote from the late Gene Siskel: ” Fuck you movie, you piece of shit!”
Oh wait….
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Oh wow – I must have missed that episode! 😉
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LOL It aired right when you moved to England : )
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Hilarious entry, she does get her bush out a lot.
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Thanks, Vinnie! Lol. Yes she does…. She certainly seems comfortable in the nude! Fair play to her, I guess. I don’t even like getting naked in order to take a shower. 🙂
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You must have to have a lot of confidence to be nude on film, especially with all the people around you.
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Ugh. Definitely!
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I don’t know how some actors do it.
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Yeah. Especially all those Game Of Thrones people!
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You can imagine them looking at the scripts each week and saying “I’m naked again”.
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I thought I read somewhere that you like to run around the streets of London in the nude….?? Or was that Abbi?
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Lol. NO! That does sound like an Abbi thing to say… 😉
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I’ll never understand you English….
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She’s South African! 😉
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YOU English!!
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I’m American! 😉
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Lies!!
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LOL
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The opening paragraph about that turd was genius 🙂 LMAO!
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Hehe. Thanks! I can’t believe I sat through a whole movie that started with THAT….
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Wanker!
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Did someone enter this into an earlier shitfest? I know I have seen it somewhere before. Have there been films entered multiple times into SF??? If it’s allowed, Boyhood should be entered into each competition! lol.
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Not that I’m aware of, but I think a couple of films have been in more than one Shitfest. I suppose Eric would know. And…. I liked Boyhood…. 😉 Then again, I’ve liked several movies entered into the Shitfests!
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You liked Boyhood?
#divorce
: )
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I did! And I do! #ilikeboyhood
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#gross
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Not this one but there have been same films entered in here – anything with Hansel and Gretel in the title and Speed 2 make the rounds : )
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P.S also meant to say I loved you included TEEN WOLF in your questioning!! Genius.
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Hehe. That’s because Teen Wolf rules. 😉 Thanks, Emma!
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It does !!!!!!!
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Great stuff!! This looks like enormous piles of shit.
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Thanks, Natasha! This thing is one big, fat turd. 😉
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Could not stop laughing! And those quotes…
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Thanks, Alex! 🙂 I wasn’t sure about the quote bit but I figured I needed to do more than just rant about the movie. 😉
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Hahahaha this one was great!!! And that ‘portrait’ was hilarious!!!
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oh and the part about the turd representing the quality of the movie…. hhhaha golden!!
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Sorry, Jordan – don’t think I replied to you directly. Here’s my reply again!: Thanks, Jordan! 🙂 Holy shit – that portrait! I could almost draw something better. Almost… I read that the turd was actually the director’s!
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HAHAHA!! I’ll avoid this one at all costs
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Good idea. 😉
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Thanks, Jordan! 🙂 Holy shit – that portrait! I could almost draw something better. Almost… I read that the turd was actually the director’s!
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That was pretty good. lol Love the reviews at the end. 🙂
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This one was lots of fun, for sure – I do have to say – for all of the boobs I’ve put out here over the years – this is the most pubic hair to ever grace the IPC : )
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That was a lot of bush.
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LOL
#truth
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You’re welcome! 😉
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Thank you! Lol… Glad I added those reviews, then! 🙂
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This is AWESOME! Er, your review that is, not the movie. That opening with the turd was priceless, and I love your quotes! Chewie! 🙂
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Kim!!! Happy Friday!!! Got big plans for the weekend??
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Thank you! lol. That turd scene was ridiculous… And Chewbacca rules! 😉
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😊😊😊😊
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Hahaha! She is naked quiet often, isn’t she? Cera doesn’t bother me but I’m not a huge fan either. Regardless, there’s no way I’m watching this but your entry is amazing!
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#satanicbestiesforever
(I might have accidentally hot keyed this as spam but I re-approved it if you see some comment has to be moderated)
( : ( )
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Haha! No worries
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#twentyhours
#sangriaandsalad
#nooatmeal
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Thanks, Mel! 🙂 I don’t recommend this one. 😉 I wouldn’t say I totally hate Cera but I really hated his character in this…
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Wow, this movie looks hair-ri-ble, err, I mean horrible. Too funny. I love the opinions from very knowledgeable sources. Great post!
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Thank you! 🙂 lol – DAMN! I should have used hair-ri-ble in my review. #shit 😉
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You’re post is already perfect. Clever and funny so well written. I almost want to watch it just to complain about it.
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Aww – thanks! 🙂 lol – Do it! Watch it! You may have trouble staying awake, though…..
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Oh man, great job T9! This entry just soared to the top of the class!
Any post that includes Cousin IT and Mr. Bigglesworth is a slam dunk.
Also, what the hell happened to Gabby Hoffman? She used to be cute and now she looks like some 50 year old boho housewife… damn. She really went to shit.
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LOL Smash! You rule!
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Aw – Thank you, Smash! That’s great to hear from a Shitfest Champion! 🙂 Hahaha – she did but I didn’t want to be all mean & say that. Not that you’re mean… Oops. lol. You know what I mean! Yeah – she was so cute in Uncle Buck.
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Yeah, and not to be mean or anything lol, but I guess I just saw her transforming into more of a swan and not going that crass route of showing the whole world her bush anytime she gets in front of a camera…
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Lol. I know! I’ve seen her naked more often than I’ve seen myself naked in the past year… I must admit it’s more the hairy armpits I’m not a fan of. I don’t get the hairy pits thing! People can see your pits!
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Hairy armpits are the worst…..
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Do you shave yours?
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I use Nair….
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Nair for short shorts?
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Yes!!!!!!
#daisydukes
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Lol, yeah shaving the pits is a high priority these days. Especially in Chile in the summertime
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Goddamn, Mutant me and you hate this movie with equal passion! This was one of the stupidest, most pointless, ass-dragging and ass-backwards pieces of velociraptor shit I have had the displeasure of raping my eyeballs with.
I actually had forgotten how naked Gaby Hoffman gets in this but I guess it wasn’t much worth remembering. Her character was just utterly obnoxious. But i think, from what I can recall of this after what was probably a full-frontal lobotomy directly after watching it, Michael Cera did manage to top her. What a bunch of fuckclowns.
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Oh yeah, forgot to add that I’m glad to see this in Shitfest now. I thought I was the only poor soul to have suffered through this thing. 😦 😦 😦 😀 😀 😀
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Lol! You crack me up, Tom the Bomb! Eric – can Tom’s comment be my review instead?! I’d win with that! 😉 What a bunch of fuckclowns is right – why did we watch this stupid movie, dude?! I mean, I didn’t even watch it for Shitfest! I watched it a few months ago FOR NO SPECIFIC REASON!!!!!! 😦
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😉 Comment #forthewin !!!!
I did the same, I stumbled upon it and was interested by the title. Big mistake. I think we’re both masochists, we enjoy torturing our eyeballs and ear . . . drums.
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Well, we do keep visiting The IPC…. 😉
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Can I just say, ‘fuckclown’ is the best word I have ever heard and I am determined to use it in a sentence in future.
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Lol. Fuckclown rules! Thanks, Tom! 🙂
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You are more than welcome to use it. 😀 😀 Haha I am proud of it myself.
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Oh my god, Gaby Hoffman, put it away!
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Or shave a little!!
#shavesies
#panties
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Lol. No kidding, Anna! It’s bad enough that we have to constantly look at vaginas on Game of Thrones! 😉
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haha I actually liked this movie but I still love this review!!
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This looks like something that you would find me hanging from a rope after…
Thanks for stopping by!!
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Thank you! 🙂 Well, I’m glad someone likes it! I almost feel bad when I hate a movie. Like I’ll hurt the director’s feelings or something. Because I’m sure he reads my stuff… lol 😉
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haha you never know!
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Every movie is someone’s favorite, right? : )
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She really does love getting her minge out. She’s in ab Amazon Prime show called Transparent and would you believe it her muff is all over the place. I suppose at least her vagfro saves us from seeing the whole enchilada Rosario Dawson style.
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All I know anymore is #dothejizz
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#vagfro
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#jizzphoto
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Photo?! Er… #nothanks!
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LOL – Just wait!
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Er. No! #nothankyou #runningaway
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Oh…. you’ll get it later!
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Oh no – it’s not one of those special Saturday posts, is it?!
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Nope… it’s Abbi’s!
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Whaaaat?!? Lol. Naughty Abbi! 😉
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#filth
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Hahaha! Vagfro! I love that!!! 🙂 Oh hell yeah – I hated having vagina in my face in Trance. If I wanted to watch porn, I’d watch porn instead of going to a Danny Boyle movie. I far prefer Hoffmann’s, I guess. Leaves a little to the imagination, at least!
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Love it, Mutant! This film sounds truly awful and not totally dissimilar to the other Cera monstrosity Magic Magic which I fucking hated about as much as I hated Trance, and that’s fucking saying something.
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Michael Cera can go suck an egg!!
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Ha! Thanks, Laura! I’ve not seen that one but it does look bad. Is that the one with Juno Temple in it?? I hate her…
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That’s the one. Urgh it was wretched. I think she’s cute in an irritating way.
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Lol. Like Eric! 🙂
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So what are you saying…………………?
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Nothin’! 😉
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English lies!!!
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A most excellent entry! The whole time I was reading it, I wanted to shout “damn hippies!” Damn that show Girls too, I can’t stand it.
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Thank you! 🙂 Haha! Exactly! Damn those hippies & their hairy nudity! Ugh – yeah…. I watch Girls but can’t for the life of me figure out why as everyone in it is a total wanker!!
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I love this post!!! Especially the last part! Hilarious!!! I have another big hairy bush for you… http://33.media.tumblr.com/60bf3e8d743bd9a19b464dafcf7880b4/tumblr_nhk52rvHQE1u08gzyo2_250.gif
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Best comment ever!!!
Oh wait – pervs!!!
HAHAHAHA!!!!!!
#hairybush
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Yay!!! Go bush, haha!!! #hairybushgoeswild
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HAHAHAHA!!!!!
#TeamBush !!!
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That’s awesome!!! 😂😂😂
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You are!!!!!!
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So glad you’re back in my life 👍👍
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Thanks! 🙂 And…. OMG! Lol. That’s the kind of picture I’d expect Eric to post!!! 😉
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Haha, I had this image in mind the minute you mentioned hairy bush!! Funny :-))
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Lol! I can’t say I know the image… What’s it from??
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A film called Lovely & Amazing. It’s a scene with Emily Mortimer and Dermot Mulroney. The film is ok, but couldn’t forget that scene/bush 😂
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Lol. Not seen that one! But now I’ll never forget it… 😉
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:-))
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Well this was sad-making! (Hilarious but sad-making) because this has been in my queue for quite awhile (seemed like something you most definitely had to be in the mood to watch). Dammit, Shitfest, quit ruining things. ;-p
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Shitfest FTW!
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Lol. I’m sorry I’ve ruined it for you! Hey – at least I’ve saved you some precious time watching this when you could be doing far better things! 🙂
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This movie looks like total and utter bullshit and I am so sorry you had to make your way through it lady!
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Lol. Thanks, Zoe! The sad thing is that I didn’t even watch this with Shitfest in mind! I watched a shitty movie by accident!!! 😦
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When you watch something and you know it is for Shitfest, it is a totally different ballgame. To stumble on something so terrible by accident is so offensive.
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I know. 😦 I really hate watching bad movies! Such as waste of time.
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dunno how i missed this review earlier. Great writeup mutant and thanks for now forcing me to watch this shit… 🙂
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Don’t do it!!
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