Speed 2: Cruise Control or something Jan de Bont filmed while he was on acid is probably one of the absolute worst pieces of crap I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing so I thought it would be fitting that this movie is my entry for Shitfest. I was, like many others a big fan of the first one, but the sequel and the idea behind it seemed like a disaster waiting to happen.
The movie finds Sandra Bullock on a cruise ship with her new boyfriend, Jason Patric – because even Keanu Reeves declined to star in this garbage – The ship gets hijacked by computer hacker Willem Dafoe, who wants revenge from the company that wrongfully fired him and decides the best way to do that would be to hijack and sink one of their cruise-liners.
For a movie called Speed, this one doesn’t even live up to it’s title since it takes place on one of the slowest forms of transport, a leisure cruise ship! I mean I could literally swim or run faster than this thing. And really nothing about this hackneyed sequel works. The first one was thrilling, clever and massively enjoyable, this one is boring, idiotic and SHIT!
I have a very low tolerance level for Sandra Bullock, I managed to bear her in the first one but here she is a total condescending bitch who’s always on Patric’s ass for one thing or another. When she’s not on Patric’s ass she’s there to deliver some of the worst dialogue attempting to be comic relief. Speaking of the dialogue, it’s utterly awful. Here’s just some of the dialogue from the movie:
Sandra Bullock: [referring to Keanu Reeves’s character] Jack, he was never the romantic type. For our anniversary he gives me pepper spray. PEPPER SPRAY. I think it’s perfume. I end up in the emergency room.
Williem Dafoe: [referring to Sandra Bullock] ANNIE! Come back, you’re my hostage!
Sandra Bullock: Ok, lets go out on vacation. Where?
Jason Patric: The Caribbean.
Bullock: Oh, The Caribbean, do you have a concussion?
Jason Patric: Go faster.
Supporting Character #1: Give me one good reason!
Patric: If you don’t, I’ll push you off the boat.
Supporting Character #1: That’s a good reason.
Bullock: Who’s ready to party on the big boat besides me?
Patric: [after telling supporting character #2 to open the ballast doors] SHIT! CLOSE IT, CLOSE IT, CLOSE IT
Supporting Character #2: YOU JUST TOLD ME TO OPEN THEM!
In Willem Dafoe we have the movie’s big bad whose character seems to be something between Jim Carrey’s The Riddler and Paul Schmecker from The Boondock Saints. Dafoe’s character consistently blurs the lines between a villain and a mental patient and in the end I’m not completely sure what he is. Dafoe’s reason for hijacking the ship is that he developed lethal copper poisoning after working on the cruise ship’s computer systems, and was fired from the company. It’s a reason that only makes sense if don’t think about it for more than two seconds. If he really wants to punish and humiliate the company, and take them for everything they have, all he has to do is hire a good lawyer and he’s got a slam-dunk lawsuit on his hands. Dafoe spends the most of the movie making cartoonish faces to exaggerate the tension and establishing his mumbo-jumbo hacking software which takes about five seconds to execute, yet he still manages to fuck it up somehow.
The guy doesn’t even want to harm the people aboard and actually sets forth an evacuation plan but one of the many dumbass passengers in the movie makes sure that Patric, Bullock and some of the more familiar characters stay on the damn ship since we’re only 50 minutes into the movie.
Jason Patric, who takes over from Keanu Reeves is actually the least worst thing about this movie, but that is no compliment. Patric is…bland, really. First off, he’s playing pretty much the same character that Reeves played in the first one, only to a far more inferior decree. He seems to be trying to pull-off that macho, good guy shtick, but it doesn’t really work. Patric is way too serious for the role and delivers his lines with as much confidence as a wet cardboard box. When the ship is hijacked he acts like a complete idiot and goes around sticking his nose in the control room, even though he doesn’t know jack-shit about how to operate a ship.
And then there’s director Jan de Bont, who I’m pretty sure was spaced out on LSD for the most part of this movie because he can’t even hold the camera still for five fucking minutes. The cinematography is murky as shit and there are more than a couple of scenes where you can’t see or understand a single fucking thing. You’d think that a movie that has a budget of 110 million could at least hire a decent cinematographer and get some proper lighting.
In the last ten minutes the movie goes full-blown Michael Bay and these ten minutes feature everything from a ship destroying an entire town to Patric chasing a sea-plane on a speedboat to a big-ass explosion that would put the Bay-meister to shame.
I’m glad this movie got raped by the critics otherwise we would have been treated to Speed 3: Escalator Escape.