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Speed 2: Cruise Control or something Jan de Bont filmed while he was on acid is probably one of the absolute worst pieces of crap I’ve ever had the displeasure of seeing so I thought it would be fitting that this movie is my entry for Shitfest. I was, like many others a big fan of the first one, but the sequel and the idea behind it seemed like a disaster waiting to happen.
The movie finds Sandra Bullock on a cruise ship with her new boyfriend, Jason Patric – because even Keanu Reeves declined to star in this garbage – The ship gets hijacked by computer hacker Willem Dafoe, who wants revenge from the company that wrongfully fired him and decides the best way to do that would be to hijack and sink one of their cruise-liners.
For a movie called Speed, this one doesn’t even live up to it’s title since it takes place on one of the slowest forms of transport, a leisure cruise ship! I mean I could literally swim or run faster than this thing. And really nothing about this hackneyed sequel works. The first one was thrilling, clever and massively enjoyable, this one is boring, idiotic and SHIT!
I have a very low tolerance level for Sandra Bullock, I managed to bear her in the first one but here she is a total condescending bitch who’s always on Patric’s ass for one thing or another. When she’s not on Patric’s ass she’s there to deliver some of the worst dialogue attempting to be comic relief. Speaking of the dialogue, it’s utterly awful. Here’s just some of the dialogue from the movie:
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Sandra Bullock: [referring to Keanu Reeves’s character] Jack, he was never the romantic type. For our anniversary he gives me pepper spray. PEPPER SPRAY. I think it’s perfume. I end up in the emergency room.
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Williem Dafoe: [referring to Sandra Bullock] ANNIE! Come back, you’re my hostage!
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Sandra Bullock: Ok, lets go out on vacation. Where?
Jason Patric: The Caribbean.
Bullock: Oh, The Caribbean, do you have a concussion?
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Jason Patric: Go faster.
Supporting Character #1: Give me one good reason!
Patric: If you don’t, I’ll push you off the boat.
Supporting Character #1: That’s a good reason.
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Bullock: Who’s ready to party on the big boat besides me?
–
Patric: [after telling supporting character #2 to open the ballast doors] SHIT! CLOSE IT, CLOSE IT, CLOSE IT
Supporting Character #2: YOU JUST TOLD ME TO OPEN THEM!
In Willem Dafoe we have the movie’s big bad whose character seems to be something between Jim Carrey’s The Riddler and Paul Schmecker from The Boondock Saints. Dafoe’s character consistently blurs the lines between a villain and a mental patient and in the end I’m not completely sure what he is. Dafoe’s reason for hijacking the ship is that he developed lethal copper poisoning after working on the cruise shipβs computer systems, and was fired from the company. Itβs a reason that only makes sense if donβt think about it for more than two seconds. If he really wants to punish and humiliate the company, and take them for everything they have, all he has to do is hire a good lawyer and he’s got a slam-dunk lawsuit on his hands. Dafoe spends the most of the movie making cartoonish faces to exaggerate the tension and establishing his mumbo-jumbo hacking software which takes about five seconds to execute, yet he still manages to fuck it up somehow.
The guy doesn’t even want to harm the people aboard and actually sets forth an evacuation plan but one of the many dumbass passengers in the movie makes sure that Patric, Bullock and some of the more familiar characters stay on the damn ship since we’re only 50 minutes into the movie.
Jason Patric, who takes over from Keanu Reeves is actually the least worst thing about this movie, but that is no compliment. Patric is…bland, really. First off, he’s playing pretty much the same character that Reeves played in the first one, only to a far more inferior decree. He seems to be trying to pull-off that macho, good guy shtick, but it doesn’t really work. Patric is way too serious for the role and delivers his lines with as much confidence as a wet cardboard box. When the ship is hijacked he acts like a complete idiot and goes around sticking his nose in the control room, even though he doesn’t know jack-shit about how to operate a ship.

Michael Bay, eat your heart out!!
And then there’s director Jan de Bont, who I’m pretty sure was spaced out on LSD for the most part of this movie because he can’t even hold the camera still for five fucking minutes. The cinematography is murky as shit and there are more than a couple of scenes where you can’t see or understand a single fucking thing. You’d think that a movie that has a budget of 110 million could at least hire a decent cinematographer and get some proper lighting.
In the last ten minutes the movie goes full-blown Michael Bay and these ten minutes feature everything from a ship destroying an entire town to Patric chasing a sea-plane on a speedboat to a big-ass explosion that would put the Bay-meister to shame.
I’m glad this movie got raped by the critics otherwise we would have been treated to Speed 3: Escalator Escape.
Khalid, this was amazing work. I don’t think I’ll ever watch this shit even if someone payed me a huge sum of money.
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thats a lie Vinnie! π If you got paid to watch it, I can guarantee that you would π
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OK, only if it was a large sum of money.
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Bullshit!!! π
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Hehe.
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Rob you can pay me to watch it if you like!
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I didnt say *I* would pay for it π
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I was just throwing it out there! π
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If ud like to fund vinnie’s speed 2 viewing im sure he’d be willing to accept π
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No, no, no! This is all going wrong lol
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At least that’s what you think π
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Vin would watch for a dollar. lol.
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Thanks a lot Vinnieh! Although I feel I would probably watch it if someone paid me a lot of money, just to see Willem Dafoe make the same face over and over again
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I really like Jason Patric but his role in this is pathetic…. poor guy….
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It’s actually kind of funny in a bad way… a total trainwreck….
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Thanks for the heads up Eric.
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Great job Khalid! Ive seen it and completely agree about how shitty it is. It says something when even a high caliber actor like Keanu Reeves passes on this π
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Keanu Reeves – “woah!”
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If only the fountain of youth taught him to make some new facial expressions as well
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Hahaha! But we love him all wooden don’t we?!
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I guess so. He does have his own charm.
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“Woah!”
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Hey thanks Rob! I think Keanu has made a lot of bad choices when it comes to picking projects from time to time but even he knew this was going to be a bust
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At least he knew to take the Matrix job π
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Yup, that’s one role where he really clicks.
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LOL…..
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Haha, great post Khalid!!!! What a heap of shit π just the DVD cover made me laugh! The only time that “two thumbs up” actually sounds bad…..
Also, top left face of Willem Defoe – amazing. I need that on my fridge!
I think the Father Ted episode where they parody Speed (5mph in a milk float!!!!) is FAR better than this garbage π
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Thanks Emma!! Siskel and Ebert were two critics I used to agree with but I don’t, at all agree with them on this one
I’m beginning to think this was Willem Dafoe’s audition for the part of The Joker and the Green Goblin. At least he got one of those roles π
Haven’t seen Father Ted so couldn’t comment on that but I’m sure it will be better than this movie
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Clam!!!!
A heap of shit!!!!!
Love Pen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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“two thumbs ups” is quite possibly the worst PR advertising I have ever seen.
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“For a movie called Speed, this one doesnβt even live up to itβs title since it takes place on one of the slowest forms of transport, a leisure cruise ship! I mean I could literally swim or run faster than this thing.! – Ha!
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Haha, I’m not sure if they really thought about what they were making
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The writers of sitcom Father Ted actually wrote an episode called Speed 3, as they said nobody could make a worse attempt at a sequel haha.
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It’s totally amazing how this boat going two miles an hour crashes through a port and into town… such shit….
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Haha, it makes no sense. They probably spent the entire budget on destroying that poor town
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HAHAHA!! It’s been so long since I’ve seen it but I remember that stupid couple on the speed boat and how much they irritated me….
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Every supporting character in this movie could have been replaced by a mannequin and it wouldn’t have made a difference.
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HAHAHA!!!!
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HAHAHA! I love the quotes from the movie. I didn’t realize they were that bad until you wrote them out like that. “Annir come back! You’re my hostage!” HAHA! I also love the faces of Willem Dafoe. I agree that this movie is technically shit but I still like it as a guilty pleasure. Great post!!
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Thanks Mel! The dialogue was really bad and the bad quotes kinda got etched in my mind.
The film does walk around the so bad it’s good line so I can see it work as a guilty pleasure
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Mrs #satanicbestie
For a movie this bad I actually kind of like it despite it’s horribleness……
#99percent
#thebestdeadpersonever
#nozucchini
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Excellent work Khalid! If this was how quickly the Speed series deteriorated I would actually be really interested to see Speed 3: Escalator Escape. I’m imagining that it’s filmed on a shoe.
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Thank you Anna! Who knows if Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves’s careers take a downturn they might be back for a sequel. Hey, if they pitched Cruise Control to the studio, they shouldn’t have trouble pitching Escalator Escape.
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!!
#shoesies
#escalaties
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Thank you for that lovely image showcasing the faces of Willem Dafoe, that made my day. He is so precious.
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Haha, you’re welcome. I do respect Willem Dafoe for giving this movie his all.
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HAHA Smash!
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Great review Khalid! This movie was truly awful. I love your idea of Speed 3:Escalator Escape. Maybe if the SyFy Channel gets bored with Sharknado movies they’ll take this on.
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Thank you! Syfy could totally do Speed 3, they should even get the director from the Sharknado movies and I’m sure Jason Patric would sign on since he doesn’t seem to be doing anything these days.
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I’d watch that just for the giggles!
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Maybe this post will make that happen!
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Woo Hoo!!! If they don’t we should!
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Maybe we could use the profits from Raising Hell : )
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Great idea! It would definitely be different from Raising Hell! I’d love to see a Speed 3 script that you wrote. I’m getting the giggles just thinking about it!
#spielbergeat
#yourheartout
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HAHAHAHA!!! Can you even imagine???
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We totally need to do this Eric as soon as you’ve made your first million!
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It’s been really crazy the turnout for “Do you want to be a dead body for free in a movie trailer?” text message and word of mouth I sent out….
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Happy Dance! I’d love to be a corpse except I don’t know how I’d go about it.π
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I have a feeling that Raising Hell could be a box-office success with the right marketing. And by right-marketing, I mean various shots of naked women in the trailers.
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I have an update coming tomorrow!
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Sweet Kim!!! LOL!!!
#lovekim
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Happy Tuesday Eric!
#loveeric
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HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGS!
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Back Atcha!
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I’ve seen this and don’t remember hating it, but now the only movie I want to see is Speed 3: Escalator Escape, even if it takes a million years. And I want to see more films where Dafoe has those crazy eyes like in the first pic. That is some pure insanity going on there. lol
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I must admit it would be interesting but if I remember correctly Willem Dafoe got his body parts blasted into oblivion in that final explosion. But then again if Marvel can bring back dead characters why can’t Speed?
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Just never watch Anti-Christ….
#defoeboner
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Tried and wasn’t able to make it all the way through. lol
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FUCK that movie!
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lol #truth
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That movie was fucking perverse. Only a demented fuck like Lars von Trier could think of something like that.
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That fucking thing….
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Thank you, Eric for letting me take participate in this awesome event. It’s a real honor to be a part of Shitfest.
#SHITFESTFOREVER!
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Thank YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is awesome!!
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No problem.
Just wanted to ask you, Is ShitFest Social at 12 am or 12 pm C.T?
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12:30 PM CT tomorrow : )
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Great!
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Preservation? I like the husband’s war strategy. He is a regular Commando!
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Ha! Nice review. π I still can’t believe what a massive pile of shit this was after the first one was so damn good…
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LOL – You English are piling on this movie – I love it!
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This movie sucked so much ass!!!!
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And not even good ass sucking!! Wait… what??? This board has sunk to new lows…..
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Don’t be silly – this place couldn’t get any lower than it already was. π lol
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LOL HAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!
#saladtossing
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Thank You! neither can I. The first one is like the best Die Hard rip-off ever.
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My favorite Die Hard rip-off is called Hard to Die… it’s absolutely terrible but SO fun : )
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HAHA it’s like they didn’t even try to be different
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And it’s filled with chicks running around mostly naked…. the most pointless nudity you can imagine…
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Its hard to not like that
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: )
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a) “the least worst thing about this movie” – classic gold line
b) I totally think we should crowdfund this Vinnie watches Speed 2 campaign
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HA!! Fire up a Kickstarter campaign and I’ll join in : )
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How much would it take for Eric to watch Boyhood? lol.
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It would take a LOT of money. And some boobs.
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I loved the dialogue on part 1 where Keanue Reeves met Dennis Hopper at the end…
REEVES: You’re crazy!
HOPPER: No, I’m rich. I’m eccentric!
LOL. That was a good piece of writing and well delivered by Hopper.
Why didn’t the studio get a good script writer and director for the sequel. Never understand that. The cast was solid and they all went to waste. One of the truly worst sequels of all time. Actually makes Rocky 5 look good.
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The first one was an intelligently written movie and you could tell that the writer knew how to create tension and suspense. The elevator scene, the middle-act, the final train fight, all memorable moments. And Dennis Hopper’s character was a genuinely threatening and menacing villain even Jeff Daniels was great despite his limited screentime.
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I have said so many times in the past…you cast William DaFoe as the Green Goblin – and then hide his face behind a mask instead of creepy prosthetics?? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF CASTING DAFOE if you were going to hide his face?? So stupid! We all lost out on what could have been one of the great villain performances had the moronic suits knew what they were doing.
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I agree they should have gone for the traditional Green Goblin mask from the comics but I think Dafoe nailed the character of Norman Osborn to such a degree that I wasn’t too bothered by the mask.
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As Richard Ayoade says in his ace book ‘Ayoade on Ayoade’, “I will never watch Speed 2: Cruise Control on a commerical television netowork; the breaks ruin the poetry.”
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I remember reading that!! I also remember watching a documentary on the writing of the Book of Ecclesiastes where the Romans took out a verse that read “The Gentiles shalt not maketh Speed 2. For now or evermore.”
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If only Jan Du Bont had listened…
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I also need to remember that line for something…
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How did Siskel & Ebert give this “2 thumbs up”? Was that photo shopped? lol.
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LOL – I couldn’t believe that – but that’s why I chose THAT poster hahahah
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Studio had them in their pocket for sure.
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Nice one, Khalid! I actually never saw this one, based on the horrible reviews. No I know I never will. I love the faces of Defoe!
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Thank you David!
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Reblogged this on The Blazing Reel and commented:
So here’s my entry for SHITFEST 2015 ~ SUMMER hosted by the the IPC, the shipwreck that is Speed 2: Cruise Control.
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What kind of fucking idiot would think pepper spray is perfume?
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A real fucking idiot.
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HAHAHA. Dafoe does consistently blur the lines between a villain and a mental patient but he’s definitely the best thing about this movie.
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HA!! Thanks for reading and the comment!
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n.p
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Sorry I am late to this party, but I have to say great work! And great choice, I did this for a shitfest of old myself. Terrible movie.
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Ah the grandpappy of completely unnecessary cash grab sequels.
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“as much confidence as a wet cardboard box.” perfect.
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Speed 2 not only sounds shitty but also hilarious! Keanu made a smart move!
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Pingback: July 2015 Favourites | FILM GRIMOIRE
Wait, people watched this? So weird. *shakes head*
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It’s like looking at the dead thing on the side of the road….
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Lol! Yeah, this movie… eish. Great work. So glad there weren’t more of these.
But I DO love Keanu Reeves π
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LOLLOLOL JB!
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