Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015 ~ SUMMER: Lame-Ass Movies About Space That Suck Balls

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SUBMITTED BY:

smashfinger

 

Lame-Ass Movies About Space That Suck Balls

I’m sure this post isn’t going to make me very popular around here, but I feel how I feel about these things and it’s gotta be said. Be it resolved that movies about space that don’t have any bloody aliens or sweet ass spaceships or apes taking over the planet or Steve Buscemi gettin’ his last earthly lap dances on before he has to go away possibly forever are stupid and lame and totally suck balls. And I hate them.

Basically, space is boring on it’s own. It’s just some huge roomy place where you can fly around like a stupid twat not really accomplishing anything. Oh cool you golfed on the moon, you know we’ve got that down here right? And I don’t even give a shit about golf on Earth, so why the fuck should I care about people doing it in space? And also, you know you can die up there right? Just for going up! So why bother? Who gives a shit? There’s beers down here on earth, so you basically never need to leave again. Clearly, staying on Earth is the right decision. We were put here to drink beers, warm the globe, and have a good time. So let’s just all settle down and do that instead.

But anyways, I’m getting ahead of myself here. Let me give you some examples of what I’m talking about.

Exhibit A: Gravity

Okay, so everyone basically blew a load in their pants when they saw the trailer. But I didn’t. If anything, the trailer had me dried up faster than a speeding bullet. Or something like that to demonstrate how quickly it took the wood out of my sails. Am I mixing metaphors again? Well, that’s just how totally unsexy this Gravity shit was for me.

Plus, George Clooney and Sandra Bullock as astronauts? Are you fucking high? They could be lawyers or vampires or Schmirler the Curler if they wanted to, but astronauts? Bitch, please. You’ve already lost my suspension of disbelief with the casting alone.

Yeah, right! Okay… *rolls eyes*

lamas1
Much better! That’s what I’m talking about!

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It would make more sense this way, if she played Schmirler in a movie. She could even keep her Gravity haircut for the role! This would be much more entertaining too. I’d watch 2 hours of curling over 2 hours of boring ass space without aliens any day. And that’s because I’ve got my head screwed on straight.

And when they showed Sandy B floating away all terrified, I was like “Well, you shouldn’t have gone up there without a good reason, like to stop a Death Star, you dumb bitch.” Jesus H. Christ, you know they don’t have any beers or aliens up there!

What’s even worse about this whole damn Gravity situation is everyone fucking loved the shit out of it. Man, did that ever annoy me. I still haven’t seen it, and am sticking forcefully to my pre-judgements out of spite. That’s as fair of a shake as this lame-o movie is ever gunna get out of me.

Exhibit B: Interstellar

Now, this I did see when it came out in theatres. But the trailer still left me woodless and unwilling. I went because it was winter and we needed to get out of the house for a few hours. The hubby really wanted to see it and far be it for his lovely bride to deny him that wish. Plus, there was popcorn, so that helped him convince me.

People at my work were all ranting and raving about how good this movie was. And when I asked them about it, they told me that it was because THE SCIENCE WAS SO ACCURATE AND TOTALLY OVER MY HEAD THAT IT WOULD BLOW MY MIND. What? Now you want me to sit through some 3 hour movie for the SCIENCE?!?! What is happening? What happened to cool laser beams and alien overlords and galactic rebellions that needed our support? Shit we didn’t need to understand the science behind, because it was just plain cool, and we liked it that way.

I just… I don’t get it.

Okay, so I was feeling better about it when I saw that my main man John Lithgow was gunna be in it. But then I found out that the main “monster” or “antagonist” was dirt and it lost me again. All these suckas breathing in dirt and whining about it… damn it all to hell.

The robot buddy they had was cool, though. I’ll give them that. But then again, I circle back to Matthew Mcconaughey as an astronaut and I legit feel like my brain is going to implode from the implausibility of it all. But then again, he really upped his game in True Detective and Dallas Buyers Club, so maybe it isn’t so bad after all. (These justifications are what got me to my seat with a few grumbles less.)

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But then he was talking to his fucking kid through a frigging bookcase in outer space making morse code on his watch and I lost my shit all over again. What the actual fuck, there’s a magic watch now? Did this thing just turn into a Harry Pooter movie all of a sudden?

I give up. Interstellar sucks. No aliens = piss poor review from Smash for you.

Exhibit C: The trailer for The Martian

Okay, so they straight up recycled Matt Damon’s character from Interstellar and are going to make the time he spent going crazy alone in space into a movie? Fuck right off. This is going to be crap too. I won’t do it, I simply will not. But here we go again, everyone is blowing their loads in the pants for this fucking thing and it’s really pissing me off. I hate it already.

In conclusion, space is a big boring ass empty void. We can make it so much more awesome by putting our own spin on it. Add a pinch of aliens here, a dash of cool spaceships there. Pour in some Steve Buscemi getting his freak on in space, then mix with cool blaster guns or light sabres and you’ve got yourself something really special.

Fuck this shitball “real” space movies trend that is all the rave right now. I’d rather sit through a decade-long trend of cereal box mascots getting their own movies over this.

120 comments

  1. I’m not even going to try and defend those films despite how much I enjoyed them. This is Shitfest after all, where even the most legitimate but controversial rants are accepted all in the spirit of shits and fests. The king is dead, long live the King.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Reblogged this on Smashing Through Life! and commented:

    It’s been a while since I’ve participated in my pal EI’s Shitfest Bonanza, and I missed it dearly. So I rolled up my sleeves, dusted off a few choice curse words, and got to work on something I hope you’ll find amusing.

    Long live Shitfest! And thank you Eric, for encouraging me to always be my best most sweaty self.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. A most excellent post! I think my favourite part of the shitty The Martian trailer though was where Matt Damon said something to the effect of, “I’m going to science the shit out of this”. It may be my favourite piece of dialogue ever.

    Liked by 3 people

    • lol, that is some pretty funny dialogue. But it’s kind of weird how he’s basically playing the same character as he did in Interstellar, right? Just with a more positive outlook on things I guess.

      Liked by 1 person

    • theipc

      Personally, I LOVE that line and am proud they put it in the trailer. I also kind of want to go see it in the theater….

      #sciencies
      #shitsies

      Like

  4. I too blew a load in my pants when I saw the trailer for Gravity. And then when I saw the movie in IMAX. I think the whole theater was engaged in some sort of orgy because I just felt everyone’s love juices all over me during that movie. Yeah it would have been better if Bullock was fightig aliens. Maybe in the sequel she’ll team up with Ripley. Oh No I may need another pair of pants now

    Liked by 3 people

  5. GaryGreg828

    I thought Captain Crunch was the villain in “Interstellar”? I think Count Chocula would have been a scarier vampire than Robert Pattinson in Twilight.

    Liked by 3 people

  6. GaryGreg828

    I haven’t seen Interstellar. I was going to see it b/c it was Christopher Nolan and his stuff is generally really good, but once it hit theaters I just lost interest. Now it’s on video, and I still have no interest.

    I did see “Gravity” though and I liked it, mostly b/c it was such a great experience to watch on IMAX 3D. I think that was the big selling point is that it allowed the viewer to feel like they were in space…without actually going into space. Most films that come out in 3D are not designed to be in 3D, therefore fail miserably and are a waste of time, but Gravity was designed for 3D and when films are designed for 3D it’s really fun to watch, especially on the IMAX screen.

    Being Christian, I also liked the ending and the “born again” theme. Even though the message is subtle, it’s still more effective than most other Hollywood Christian-based films like “Exodus” and “Noah” (have not seen either) that come across over-the-top and heavily altered.

    Good write-up, though, even if I disagree with some of your points; particularly playing sports in space. I would love to play basketball in space because I could finally dunk on somebody! lol.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Hahaha! I love this post, Smash! I totally won’t argue with you. 🙂 I did enjoy Gravity but Interstellar was a load of SHIT!!! You’ve made me SO happy doing Interstellar for Shitfest! Okay – I did love The Martian book so AM looking forward to it but I’m a sucker for all boring space movies. Except ones that are as fucking stupid as Interstellar. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thanks! 🙂

      It is hard to go and see something after it’s been hyped up so hard weeks before you go. But I still believe that if I’d seen it without all the prior hype, I’d still have hated it.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank the gods there’s someone else who thought Gravity sucked balls (well, in your case the trailer but whatevs). SO BORING. Never even attempted Interstellar. No head exploding in space for me, thankyouverymuch.

    Liked by 1 person

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