WARNING: this post contains spoilers and bad language throughout. Anyone who is sensitive to bad acting, bad dialogue and shitty storylines should proceed with caution.
So, last weekend I went for a walk with my young man in the beautiful Sussex countryside. We started out at the Jack and Jill windmills in Clayton. Some of you movie buffs might be familiar with this piece of shit:
The windmill of the title is Jack. Unfortunately, he’s lost his head…
Anyway, I digress, from here we walked onwards and upwards, over rolling hills when I saw a vast field of long grass blowing in the wind, in waves. It was eerie. It reminded me of something…
Ding! At this moment, I knew I’d found my perfect Shitfest entry: The Happening. The M. Night Shyamalan shit-bomb also know as The Happening. And why not? By this point M. Night Shyamamalamaman was firmly on a downward spiral, having already made the insanely shitty The Village and the offensively bad Lady in the Water (FUCK THAT FILM) although The Last Airbender and Another Earth were yet to come [urgh]…
But I picked this piece of shit, for my sins… Having seen this before several years ago, I knew it was best not to attempt it with a zero blood alcohol level so I’ve decided to do this. And I invite you to join me.
So, I’m primed and ready, and just getting to the bottom of my first can. Aaaaaand action!
- The opening credits are pretty shitty, which does’t exactly bode well.
- Cut to people in Central Park topping themselves for no reason, cut to builders jumping off the top floor of a multi-storey building.
- Cut to Mark Walberg as a science teacher. No. Just, no. And a tank top? Urgh.
- Ha, Ferris Beuler’s best mate is the headteacher! Nice touch.
- Urgh, Zooey Deschenel. She’s the worst. Looks like she’s his wife. Age gap, much? Yuk.
- Hmm, 15 minutes in and I’m already sick of the TV news report as exposition mechanism. Time for another drink. Hang on.
- Cheers! That’s better.
- Urgh, Zooey thing is sooooooo irritating. “Wah wah wah”, talk about whiney. I hope she gets it.
- At least John Leguazimo’s daughter is kind of cute.
- Right, Marky Mark, New Girl, John thingy and his kid are now getting the train to, hmm, i’m not sure where and I don’t much care, either.
- Cut to another city park location. Ominous wind. Ooh, Central Park death thing is about to happen again.
- Yep. So, there’s something making people kill themselves… what could it be…? I can remember that part from when I watched this before, so I’m alreadt pissed off.
- Naughty Zooey, ate tiramisu with someone that isn’t her husband. Not sure what the point of that storyline is other than to highlight the apparent one-sidedness of her relationship with Marky Mark.
- Our group make it as far as Filbert wherever the fuck that is, when the train stops and everyone gets chucked off. Marky Mark helpfully observes “we’re stuck here”. Then “we’re in a small town, nothing will happen to us here” thus inviting a whole world of things to happen to them. Duh!
- Our happy gang are now in a crowded diner.
- Video clip of suicide by lion.
- More TV news exposition
- Power cut cliché.
- Main characters have no transport and yet strangers don’t want to help: “can you believe how crappy people are?” cliché. All things considered, yes I can.
- John Leguiazimo in “I have to go and find my wife” cliché. So he fucks off and leaves the kid with Marky Mark and Zooey. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Also, chug-chug-chug, lovely cider.
- Ahahahaahaha! Funniest line in a movie ever at minute 30:46. The guy from Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman – and i quote – We’re packing hot dogs for the road. They get a bad rap but they’re a cool shape, they’re full of protein. You like hot dogs, right? – end quote. Ha! Brilliant. If only Oscar Wilde were alive today.
- Medicine Woman man is a plant expert, obvs. He thinks the plants are to blame. No way, that’d be totally stupid! What a total ‘fuck you’ to the person who rented this for the extortionate sum of £2.49
- Cut to John legythingy travelling to find his wife in Princeton. Oh look, dead bodies hanging from trees. Uh oh, there’s a whole in the soft-top car… the something that’s making everyone kill themselves must have got in through the hole in the soft top and, oh… That’s one less character to worry about.
- Cut back to Marky Mark and co. driving to i’m not even sure where.
- More dead bodies.
- Zooey Deshcesnl gets RIGHT ON MY TITS! I WISH SHE’D JUST FUCK OFF!
- Army personnel cliché.
- “It’ll be ok” cliché.
- What on earth is happening? More importantly, by this point, who gives a FUCK?
- Medicine Woman actor explains how plants are fucking the people over, including trees and bushes etc. communicating with each other. For actual fucks sake.
- Time for another drink. I honestly don’t usually drink so quickly but this film is really shitty.
- Off they go to some place that apparently doesn’t have many people, they’ll be safe there, right?
- No mobile network cliché.
- God, my laptop is hot. i really need a new one.
- In-case-we-die tiramisu confession. Aboohoohoo!
- Ominous wind.
- Soldier with gun commits suicide. did’t see that coming.
- Marky Mark terrible acting alert – “oh no”. Never has anyone said “oh no” with so little conviction.
- Ha! Second best line in a film “be scientific, douchbag”. Ha!
- Marky Mark has figured it out.
- Plants are targeting humans as a threat. And making them kill themselves.
- Appalling dialogue warning:
- Fuck. You. Fuck you, M. Night Shyamalamaman! How dare you do this!
- So, Marky Mark has cracked it. If they stay in small enough groups, the plants don’t make them commit suicide.
- Urgh. “I’ll go and see if that truck has a map”. Who would say that?!
- Radio news cliché.
- So, some of the group make it to a nearby house. Mark spots a potted plant and cue massive rofls starts talking to it “in a very positive manner” reassuring it they’re just going to use the bog and be on their way. Ahahahahaha! But oh, it’s plastic! How hilarious! Urgh.
- Mmm, Strongbow…
- Primordial bacteria in Australia blah blah blah. Argh urgh oof.
- Running from the house now, Marky Mark hangs back to witness suicide by ride-on lawnmower. Yep. That happened.
- Ha, isn’t that the fat kid from that Bruce Willis film?! Awkward teenagers, chuh!
- Radio news cliché. Handy there was a radio hanging from a fence in the middle of a field.
- Does Zooey thingy have to have tears in her eyes the WHOLE TIME? SHE’S SO ANNOYING.
- What’s left of the group – Marky Mark, Zooey, fat Bruce Willis kid and black teenage boy find another house in the middle of nowhere.
- Erm, scratch that [slo-mo teen murders].
- Now just a trio they head back on their way. Who needs teenagers, anyway?
- TV news exposition cliché.
- Reminiscing about first date cliché.
- Ominous music cliché.
- Ominous wind cliché.
- “I’m scared” “It’s ok” cliché.
- Woman on porch who doesn’t know what’s going on cliché
- Iinviting them for supper cliché.
- She’s so maddeningly gormless!
- God, there’s still 28 minutes left…
- Oh look, lemurs!
- Urgh, hang on, what?!
- After all that, all I get is a shitty “3 months later” note on the screen? Fucking fuck you, you fucking arseholes!
- More fucking TV news exposition! FUCK OFF!
- And part of that exposition “It was an act of nature. We’ll never fully know why this happened”. ARGH, FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU UTTER, UTTER BASTARRDS!!!
- Positive pregnancy test stick cliché.
- Cut to busy park-looking place in France. Cue ominous wine [oops, Freudian slip? That should be ‘wind’]. Cue dour music. And with the last sip of my final drink, The Happening begins again. Oooooh…
- And I want to smash someone really hard in the face. Repeatedly. Until there’s nothing left but a hot, red, wet pile of gore.
(On a side note – for those of you who don’t follow or missed the “new link!” post a week or so ago – there’s some movie news and new footage on the Raising Hell site HERE)