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WARNING: this post contains spoilers and bad language throughout. Anyone who is sensitive to bad acting, bad dialogue and shitty storylines should proceed with caution.
So, last weekend I went for a walk with my young man in the beautiful Sussex countryside. We started out at the Jack and Jill windmills in Clayton. Some of you movie buffs might be familiar with this piece of shit:
The windmill of the title is Jack. Unfortunately, he’s lost his head…
Anyway, I digress, from here we walked onwards and upwards, over rolling hills when I saw a vast field of long grass blowing in the wind, in waves. It was eerie. It reminded me of something…
Ding! At this moment, I knew I’d found my perfect Shitfest entry: The Happening. The M. Night Shyamalan shit-bomb also know as The Happening. And why not? By this point M. Night Shyamamalamaman was firmly on a downward spiral, having already made the insanely shitty The Village and the offensively bad Lady in the Water (FUCK THAT FILM) although The Last Airbender and Another Earth were yet to come [urgh]…
But I picked this piece of shit, for my sins… Having seen this before several years ago, I knew it was best not to attempt it with a zero blood alcohol level so I’ve decided to do this. And I invite you to join me.
So, I’m primed and ready, and just getting to the bottom of my first can. Aaaaaand action!
- The opening credits are pretty shitty, which does’t exactly bode well.
- Cut to people in Central Park topping themselves for no reason, cut to builders jumping off the top floor of a multi-storey building.
- Cut to Mark Walberg as a science teacher. No. Just, no. And a tank top? Urgh.
- Ha, Ferris Beuler’s best mate is the headteacher! Nice touch.
- Urgh, Zooey Deschenel. She’s the worst. Looks like she’s his wife. Age gap, much? Yuk.
- Hmm, 15 minutes in and I’m already sick of the TV news report as exposition mechanism. Time for another drink. Hang on.
- Cheers! That’s better.
- Urgh, Zooey thing is sooooooo irritating. “Wah wah wah”, talk about whiney. I hope she gets it.
- At least John Leguazimo’s daughter is kind of cute.
- Right, Marky Mark, New Girl, John thingy and his kid are now getting the train to, hmm, i’m not sure where and I don’t much care, either.
- Cut to another city park location. Ominous wind. Ooh, Central Park death thing is about to happen again.
- Yep. So, there’s something making people kill themselves… what could it be…? I can remember that part from when I watched this before, so I’m alreadt pissed off.
- Naughty Zooey, ate tiramisu with someone that isn’t her husband. Not sure what the point of that storyline is other than to highlight the apparent one-sidedness of her relationship with Marky Mark.
- Our group make it as far as Filbert wherever the fuck that is, when the train stops and everyone gets chucked off. Marky Mark helpfully observes “we’re stuck here”. Then “we’re in a small town, nothing will happen to us here” thus inviting a whole world of things to happen to them. Duh!
- Our happy gang are now in a crowded diner.
- Video clip of suicide by lion.
- Lollingtons!!!
- More TV news exposition
- Power cut cliché.
- Main characters have no transport and yet strangers don’t want to help: “can you believe how crappy people are?” cliché. All things considered, yes I can.
- John Leguiazimo in “I have to go and find my wife” cliché. So he fucks off and leaves the kid with Marky Mark and Zooey. Zzzzzzzzzzzz. Also, chug-chug-chug, lovely cider.
- Ahahahaahaha! Funniest line in a movie ever at minute 30:46. The guy from Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman – and i quote – We’re packing hot dogs for the road. They get a bad rap but they’re a cool shape, they’re full of protein. You like hot dogs, right? – end quote. Ha! Brilliant. If only Oscar Wilde were alive today.
- Medicine Woman man is a plant expert, obvs. He thinks the plants are to blame. No way, that’d be totally stupid! What a total ‘fuck you’ to the person who rented this for the extortionate sum of £2.49
- Cut to John legythingy travelling to find his wife in Princeton. Oh look, dead bodies hanging from trees. Uh oh, there’s a whole in the soft-top car… the something that’s making everyone kill themselves must have got in through the hole in the soft top and, oh… That’s one less character to worry about.
- Cut back to Marky Mark and co. driving to i’m not even sure where.
- More dead bodies.
- Zooey Deshcesnl gets RIGHT ON MY TITS! I WISH SHE’D JUST FUCK OFF!
- [chug]
- Army personnel cliché.
- “It’ll be ok” cliché.
- Ewwwww!
- What on earth is happening? More importantly, by this point, who gives a FUCK?
- Medicine Woman actor explains how plants are fucking the people over, including trees and bushes etc. communicating with each other. For actual fucks sake.
- Time for another drink. I honestly don’t usually drink so quickly but this film is really shitty.
- Off they go to some place that apparently doesn’t have many people, they’ll be safe there, right?
- No mobile network cliché.
- God, my laptop is hot. i really need a new one.
- In-case-we-die tiramisu confession. Aboohoohoo!
- Ominous wind.
- Soldier with gun commits suicide. did’t see that coming.
- Marky Mark terrible acting alert – “oh no”. Never has anyone said “oh no” with so little conviction.
- Ha! Second best line in a film “be scientific, douchbag”. Ha!
- Marky Mark has figured it out.
- Plants are targeting humans as a threat. And making them kill themselves.
- Appalling dialogue warning:
- Fuck. You. Fuck you, M. Night Shyamalamaman! How dare you do this!
- So, Marky Mark has cracked it. If they stay in small enough groups, the plants don’t make them commit suicide.
- Urgh. “I’ll go and see if that truck has a map”. Who would say that?!
- Radio news cliché.
- So, some of the group make it to a nearby house. Mark spots a potted plant and cue massive rofls starts talking to it “in a very positive manner” reassuring it they’re just going to use the bog and be on their way. Ahahahahaha! But oh, it’s plastic! How hilarious! Urgh.
- Mmm, Strongbow…
- Primordial bacteria in Australia blah blah blah. Argh urgh oof.
- Running from the house now, Marky Mark hangs back to witness suicide by ride-on lawnmower. Yep. That happened.
- Ha, isn’t that the fat kid from that Bruce Willis film?! Awkward teenagers, chuh!
- Radio news cliché. Handy there was a radio hanging from a fence in the middle of a field.
- Does Zooey thingy have to have tears in her eyes the WHOLE TIME? SHE’S SO ANNOYING.
- What’s left of the group – Marky Mark, Zooey, fat Bruce Willis kid and black teenage boy find another house in the middle of nowhere.
- Erm, scratch that [slo-mo teen murders].
- Now just a trio they head back on their way. Who needs teenagers, anyway?
- TV news exposition cliché.
- Reminiscing about first date cliché.
- Ominous music cliché.
- Ominous wind cliché.
- “I’m scared” “It’s ok” cliché.
- Woman on porch who doesn’t know what’s going on cliché
- Iinviting them for supper cliché.
- She’s so maddeningly gormless!
- God, there’s still 28 minutes left…
- Oh look, lemurs!
- Urgh, hang on, what?!
- After all that, all I get is a shitty “3 months later” note on the screen? Fucking fuck you, you fucking arseholes!
- More fucking TV news exposition! FUCK OFF!
- And part of that exposition “It was an act of nature. We’ll never fully know why this happened”. ARGH, FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU UTTER, UTTER BASTARRDS!!!
- Positive pregnancy test stick cliché.
- Cut to busy park-looking place in France. Cue ominous wine [oops, Freudian slip? That should be ‘wind’]. Cue dour music. And with the last sip of my final drink, The Happening begins again. Oooooh…
- And I want to smash someone really hard in the face. Repeatedly. Until there’s nothing left but a hot, red, wet pile of gore.
*****
(On a side note – for those of you who don’t follow or missed the “new link!” post a week or so ago – there’s some movie news and new footage on the Raising Hell site HERE)
I had so much fun reading this post, it rocks so much.
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: )
This post was great!
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I was of the strong opinion that The Village was Mr. Shyamalanadingdongs worst and most excremental film. Then I watched The Happening and it reminded me, and I paraphrase my own quote about serial killers, that just when you thought you’ve seen the biggest piece of crap something will damn sure come along that’s even bigger. The Happening is a large turd that curls around inside the bowl; The Village is merely little pebbles of poo.
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That’s quite a description there.
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That’s quite a shitty movie there.
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The Happening made The Village into Unbreakable that was almost The Sixth Sense. Let no-one talk of After Earth………..
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Or The Last Airbender….
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Jeez Pen, I know this is The IPC but that was below the belt!
🙂
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HAHAHAHAHA!!!! : )
So bad….
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You’re so right. It really is a terrible turd, and I just read that this is the third time it’s been in Shitfest. It’s a floater!
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Great job!
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I think you behalf of Mz. Film Nerd!
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Why, thank you [bows]
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HAHA great post, Laura. Glad someone wrote about this piece of garbage
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HA!! Garbage is right!
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Mark Wahlberg’s performance in this movie is comedic gold
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Miserable…
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Haha…
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HAHAHA!
#huh
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Thanks for reading. This film really was truly terrible.
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You may have hated “Lady in the Water” but compared to “The Happening” it looked like an Oscar picture. At least Paul Giamatti gave a terrific performance, where as in this one no one did; of course it’s mostly b/c of Night’s odd direction b/c he did have a talented cast to work with. I don’t know what Night was thinking with this one. This was terrible in every single facet; not a single intriguing moment from start to finish – nor quality performance from any of the cast – or a single frame of brilliant directing. That’s quite the accomplishment.
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I’m definitely gonna avoid this one after reading that comment.
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It was cinematic brilliance when they ran faster than the wind.
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It’s true that Giamatti is at least a real actor! We’re at the point now where I just feel sorry for anyone in these films now, whether they can act or not.
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I actually liked Lady in the Water. I think it’s the last Night film I have liked. The Happening was just abysmal – and Devil was underwhelming – and After Earth was poorly executed as in the writing, directing and acting; you know those kinds of things. lol.
Very good selection for SF! This movie truly epitomizes the spirit of what Eric was searching for when creating this contest. 🙂
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I actually really liked Devil and watch it frequently….
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It’s better than The Happening and After Earth; it just could have been executed better. I did guess who the devil was and the reveal scene was kind of creepy. I was just expecting more and overall was underwhelmed.
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I liked Chris Messina – I hope he goes on to do good things….
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Chris Messina is one of my favorite up-and-coming actors, but I didn’t notice him in “Devil”, but I liked him on “The Mindy Project” and watching him argue w/ Mindy. I actually wrote a post about that show and him on my prior blog in 2013; but I stopped watching the show when they got him and Mindy together; to me it killed it. I liked watching them argue and his character really could not stand her and it was hilarious to see b/c of how annoying she can be; but although annoying she’s also funny and likable at the same time – and was a perfect contrast to Messina’s no-nonsense. I also liked him in a couple other romantic comedies. He’s good in those roles. He was also on “Damages” which is probably my favorite series after “Luther”.
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He was the main cop in Devil – if you care to remember it lol… never watched The Mindy Project. Like we talked about earlier – I’m over EVERYONE from The Office and Robinson’s show will fail terribly.
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Oh dude, Mindy Kaling is FAR more talented than Craig Robinson! lol. She actually has her own schtick and helps carry her own show. Robinson’s show will fail b/c it’s chock full of recycled stereotypes and cliches, and I for one always take happiness in watching crappy shows like that get canned. BTW, you didn’t like “The Office”?
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I LOVED The Office until the last season or two. Then it just got old and sad….
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Dude, the first 3 seasons of “The Office” was as good as ANY comedy series of ANY era; it was next to immaculate! The series declined each season after the writers strike (season 4) but seasons 4-6 were still very good…and then starting season 7 it just snowballed downhill, and only had about a handful of good episodes.
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Yep, yep, yep!
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The first 2 seasons of The Mindy Project is worth watching. There’s this scene on season 1 where Mindy is going off on a rant and somehow one of male co-workers bumps into her and accidentally elbows her in the face and splits her nose open…and seriously dude, it looked like a horror movie. Blood was gushing from her nose and streaming down her face – but she was so focused on her rant she didn’t notice the blood and the camera stayed on her face the whole time as she continued to go on and on. lol. It was gross. I actually looked away.
Then on the next scene after her nose had been bandaged she went on the subway with Chris Messina and they got into an argument about something (as usual) and she shouts to everyone on the subway “My husband beats me! Look what he did to my face!” and Chris Messina yells to the crowd, “That is not true. I would never marry her!” lol.
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Nice! I might give it a look sometime – we’ve been watching a lot of Columbo on our weekends : )
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great choice Laura. I used this movie for my entry a few rounds ago also. it really is soooo shitty
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It’s awful….
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It’s the epitome of shitfest 😉
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Yep!
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I’m not surprised it wasn’t just me who thought this was shitty enough for Shitfest, it’s soooooooo shitty.
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Reblogged this on filmnerdblog and commented:
Here’s my summer Shitfest entry: Shitfaced Shitfest: The Happening. Thanks as always to my good friend Eric at the excellent IPC for letting me stink up his brilliant site with my drunken ramblings on this turgid nonsense.
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Dear fn,
Thank YOU!!!!!!!!!! You rock!!!
Yours,
ei
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Great review Laura of an atrocious movie! That hot dog quote had me in stitches!
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That made me laugh too Kims!! #kindredspirits
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Like minds a Dear Ems!
#kindred spirits
#forever
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Dear Kims!!! ❤ I hope you had a nice weekend #bestie (things calmed down here a bit!) xxxxxxxxxxxxx
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Hot but good dearest Ems. I’m glad things have calmed down for you. 🙂 xoxox
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Isn’t this thing bullshit?
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Soo bad!!! Happy Monday Eric!😊
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Happy Monday!!
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It was so weird how they made such a big deal about the hot dogs, I felt like it had to be mentioned!
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This was fucking hilarious!!!! Love it Laura!!!! Brilliant choice, in theory you should win immediately. I’ll never forget when I first watched it, when the origin of the deaths was revealed I thought someone was playing a trick on me and I’d wake up in a straight jacket.
“John Leguiazimo in “I have to go and find my wife” cliché.” – lines like this cracked me up!!! I always think of that bloody tiramisu thing as well. Ridiculous!
The tank top!!! Ha ha ha ha ha. What an awesome post, I do truly love it 🙂 that bit about the hotdogs and Oscar Wilde was so funny! Well, all of it. Sorry for not planning this comment more and just rambling away! But yeah…I love it!!!
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That tiramisu bit has had me in stitches all morning.
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You feel like saying “listen love, we’ve got other stuff going on than your guilt over desserts!!!”
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Hehe, exactly my thoughts. Fuck the tiramisu.
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It wouldn’t even be my first choice for dessert. If she was going on about cheesecake I might have given the film one star.
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Or something very chocolatey, then we would be talking.
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Chocolate fudge brownie with cream?
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Oh that is sexy, I think I just had an orgasm. Love chocolate fudge brownie.
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Clam!!!!
You know what else can fuck off besides this movie???———————-> Mondays.
Love Pen!!
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YES!!!!
Mondays can ——————————————-> FUCK OFF!!!!!!!!!!
Hey Pen!!!! ❤ ❤ ❤
Love Clam #extras #seanpertwee
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HEY CLAM!!!!!
I hope you had a good weekend!!!
Love Pen!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
P.S. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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HEY PEN!!! Yes! I did! Except I miss you!!!! Boo 😦
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx Love Clam in the Bib!
(P.S email me your next Pen and Clam discuss idea?!)
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I know – our weekends are fun but the suck too.
Happy Monday!!!
Love Pen is in the Drawer!!
Will do!!!
#megutscoop
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LOL!!!!!!!!!!!! That Pen is in the Drawer! Too me back to my ‘early’ WordPress days!!!!!! That really made me laugh 🙂
🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 #megutscoop #extras #pens
Love Clam! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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: ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
HAHAHA!!!!
The Pen is in the Cup!!
Love Pen!!!
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
The Pen is in the suitcase! (what?!!!!)
Love Clam! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
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WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAH!!!!!!!
The Pen is on the table!!
< 333333333333333333333333
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Thanks Emma, I’m glad you enjoyed it. I think the cider and ranting meant I actually had a fun time doing this, but that doesn’t excuse the awfulness of this piece of shit film. Urgh.
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I did really enjoy it, it was hilarious! Plus I know this film quite well and have hated it for years so it was SUCH a pleasure!!!!
It’s just…..ridiculous! Cider is medicinal!!
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OH Laura Laura Laura.n Your review of this has made my morning very awesome. Thank you very much for this. Yes, the whole thing that it was Plants that were making humans do this was one of the worst things ever, because it just came out of nowhere. Zooey Dechenel was a freaking terrible actress in this, but she has been good in other things. The age gap between he and Marky Mark wasn’t that much creepy that we have seen in other films. Great review
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One of the worst age gaps I saw recently was Jim Carrey and Zooey Douche-elle in Yes Man. Jim Carrey looked so rubber faced and wrinkly, Zooey looked young and gorgeous. It literally looked ridiculous!
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Happy Monday!!
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Ah, thank you Vern. I’m very glad to provide a little glimmer of fun on a Monday morning. The whole plant thing pissed me right off, as I’m sure you could tell. I meant, what the fuck? Argh!
True 10 years isn’t so bad but it’s made worse by the fact that he looks craggy enough to be nearly 50 and she looks like a teenager.
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I hate it when people get on my tits too!
Great review!
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LOL!
#getoffmytits
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It’s the worst! #truth
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#truth !!
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I feel like I have deja vu… has someone submitted this movie in a past Shitfest? I know M. Night is one of the top offenders so maybe it was one of his other stink bombs. But I feel like we’ve had this one before. Either way, it still sucks plenty of buttonhole and deserves to be trashed time and time again. Boooo urns Marky Mark and his shit winds.
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HAHA!!! Yes – this is the third time this thing has graced our monitors and phone screens…. Shitfest Forever!
Fucking trees….
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Lol, wow the third time!! What a piece of crap.
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HAHA!!!
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‘Buttonhole’ makes it sounds cute!
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Lol, that was an autocorrect actually! Haha I didn’t notice that. It should have said butthole but I guess buttonhole will do! 🙂
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I haven’t got a clue what this film is about
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The trees get mad that we’re destroying the planet so they unleash a toxin that makes people kill themselves until two dopes say that they love each other and then the trees stop.
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Haha wicked! Won’t be wasting my time with this one
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And I’m NOT even lying hahahaha!
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Who else could make this shit up?!
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Hahaha! Laura! Love this! This movie is SO SHIT!!!!! Looks like it still sucks even when drunk. 🙂 Hmm… I did a drunk review once! I totally forgot about that! What the hell was that for?! Anyway… Zooey Deschanel is annoying as fuck. Screenkicker Mike did a post about her being the Anti-Christ. Lol 🙂
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Were you drunk on one wine cooler?
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Hahaha! Haha! Ha!!!!!!! #yes 😉
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I should get the reward : )
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And a chest to pin it on!
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You know I have massive pecs of steel!
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Poops of steel, maybe! 😉
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You know that’s right!
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I think wine cooler has a different meaning in America… is it a drink?
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Short story – yes – it is a very sissy drink that mostly teenage girls drink.
Long story – after Prohibition was repealed here in the states, the government classified the different levels of alcohol and then allowed the states to determine on their own who could sell what and where. The state I live in opted to only allow 3.2 beer sold in common stores and anything harder in certified “liquor stores”. 3.2 beer is classified by the government as “food” and it takes about ten of them to catch a buzz and by then your’re so bloated you have to unbutton your pants to sit down and you pee constantly. Wine Coolers have less alcohol content than that beer.
In summary: T9M is a wuss.
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Oh my god, how awful! Booze is a big deal here for a lot of people ie me. Those rules just sounds lame and quite hard work if you like a drink.
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It really sucks and the liquor stores are closed on Sundays. Down south, in Texas, they actually have “dry counties” here you can’t even buy booze,,,, but – where you can buy beer it’s “strong beer”.
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What the actual fuck? But you can buy guns? That’s just weird!
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YEP!!! makes sense, right??? You can’t buy whiskey on Sundays but you can go buy a rifle.
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That’s totally incomprehensible to me. Guns just aren’t part of our culture, and I’m glad!
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#NoGuns
#HorseandBuggies
: )
Love,
ei
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Thanks Mutant! I’ll have to find those reviews…
This film is immoral in its badness.
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I remember my drunk review! It was my first Shitfest for The Hottie & The Nottie! Lol!
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Ah, I think I remember that! That film looked absolutely rotten.
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#WineCoolers
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#blueshit
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Thank you! Now I have the ammunition to rant against this movie as it so justly deserves without actually having to suffer through it.
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This movie is a stinking asshole…..
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Nobody should have to suffer this. Glad to be of assistance.
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One of my favorites.
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OMFG this movie was the WORST! Honestly the dialogue made me want to take a claw hammer to my forehead.
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It shouldn’t be possible to make such a shitty film with this kind of budget. It made me so angry. So drunk and so very angry!
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HAHAHA!!! I’m just glad you didn’t decide to take a Ball Pean Hammer to your head…
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So this is full of amazingness, but here’s where I lost it: “Medicine Woman actor explains how plants are fucking the people over, including trees and bushes etc. communicating with each other. For actual fucks sake.”
Lololol god that was good
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LOL Itch!
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Go the ‘BOW!!!! 😀
Great post, I never saw this but I agree The Village was incredibly shitty!!
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I guess I’m the only one but I kind of liked The Village…
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Its been so long I honestly can’t remember it much! I remember it just being….. very weird. And it didn’t make sense to me at the time, thought I woulda been a lot younger then
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Bryce Dallas Howard = YUM!
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Oh boy, this film is utter shit. Markie Mark talking to a plant and Deschenel looking mental are just two reasons.
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And the plants relent when Marky Mark and Deschenel make nice…. the entire world depended on that… what a load of shit.
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This post is so much fun!! I love your play by play analysis! SO funny. I also love “Lollingtons”. I don’t hate M. Night Shyamalan as much as everyone else does but I have to agree that this one was the worst. Great entry!
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This is my favourite way to see film reviews now, bravo! Hilarious! I’ve never seen the film, aaaaaaaaaaaaaand now I don’t need to 😀
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You can’t beat a bit of Shitfest.
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So terrible. Excellent choice 😀
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LOL! I haven’t seen it because I have no faith in anything the man does anymore!
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A film that, when I’m feeling down, always gives me a lift. I HOWL laughing at this one. In fact I’m convinced it’s meant to be a comedy.
When that soldier randomly utters “cheese and crackers”… No. I just can’t hate The Hap – coz it’s hilarious!
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So bad….
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uhh, I HATE zooey deschanel!!! Why does she always have to open her eyes like that??? Is she in constant shock, or what? I soooooo love this post!!! Right on!!!
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