Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015 ~ SUMMER: THE HAPPENING (2008)

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SUBMITTED BY

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WARNING: this post contains spoilers and bad language throughout. Anyone who is sensitive to bad acting, bad dialogue and shitty storylines should proceed with caution.

So, last weekend I went for a walk with my young man in the beautiful Sussex countryside. We started out at the Jack and Jill windmills in Clayton. Some of you movie buffs might be familiar with this piece of shit:

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The windmill of the title is Jack. Unfortunately, he’s lost his head…

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Anyway, I digress, from here we walked onwards and upwards, over rolling hills when I saw a vast field of long grass blowing in the wind, in waves. It was eerie. It reminded me of something…

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Ding! At this moment, I knew I’d found my perfect Shitfest entry: The Happening. The M. Night Shyamalan shit-bomb also know as The Happening. And why not? By this point M. Night Shyamamalamaman was firmly on a downward spiral, having already made the insanely shitty The Village and the offensively bad Lady in the Water (FUCK THAT FILM) although The Last Airbender and Another Earth were yet to come [urgh]…

But I picked this piece of shit, for my sins… Having seen this before several years ago, I knew it was best not to attempt it with a zero blood alcohol level so I’ve decided to do this. And I invite you to join me.

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So, I’m primed and ready, and just getting to the bottom of my first can.  Aaaaaand action!

  • The opening credits are pretty shitty, which does’t exactly bode well.
  • Cut to people in Central Park topping themselves for no reason, cut to builders jumping off the top floor of a multi-storey building.
  • Cut to Mark Walberg as a science teacher.  No.  Just, no.  And a tank top?  Urgh.

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  • Ha, Ferris Beuler’s best mate is the headteacher!  Nice touch.
  • Urgh, Zooey Deschenel.  She’s the worst.  Looks like she’s his wife.  Age gap, much?  Yuk.

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  • Hmm, 15 minutes in and I’m already sick of the TV news report as exposition mechanism.  Time for another drink.  Hang on.

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  • Cheers!  That’s better.
  • Urgh, Zooey thing is sooooooo irritating.  “Wah wah wah”, talk about whiney.  I hope she gets it.

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  • At least John Leguazimo’s daughter is kind of cute.
  • Right, Marky Mark, New Girl, John thingy and his kid are now getting the train to, hmm, i’m not sure where and I don’t much care, either.
  • Cut to another city park location.  Ominous wind.  Ooh, Central Park death thing is about to happen again.
  • Yep.  So, there’s something making people kill themselves… what could it be…?  I can remember that part from when I watched this before, so I’m alreadt pissed off.
  • Naughty Zooey, ate tiramisu with someone that isn’t her husband.  Not sure what the point of that storyline is other than to highlight the apparent one-sidedness of her relationship with Marky Mark.
  • Our group make it as far as Filbert wherever the fuck that is, when the train stops and everyone gets chucked off.  Marky Mark helpfully observes “we’re stuck here”.  Then “we’re in a small town, nothing will happen to us here” thus inviting a whole world of things to happen to them.  Duh!

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  • Our happy gang are now in a crowded diner.
  • Video clip of suicide by lion.

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  • Lollingtons!!!
  • More TV news exposition

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  • Power cut cliché.
  • Main characters have no transport and yet strangers don’t want to help: “can you believe how crappy people are?” cliché.  All things considered, yes I can.
  • John Leguiazimo in “I have to go and find my wife” cliché.   So he fucks off and leaves the kid with Marky Mark and Zooey.  Zzzzzzzzzzzz.  Also, chug-chug-chug, lovely cider.

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  • Ahahahaahaha!  Funniest line in a movie ever at minute 30:46.  The guy from Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman – and i quote – We’re packing hot dogs for the road.  They get a bad rap but they’re a cool shape, they’re full of protein.  You like hot dogs, right? – end quote.  Ha!  Brilliant.  If only Oscar Wilde were alive today.

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  • Medicine Woman man is a plant expert, obvs.  He thinks the plants are to blame.  No way, that’d be totally stupid!  What a total ‘fuck you’ to the person who rented this for the extortionate sum of £2.49
  • Cut to John legythingy travelling to find his wife in Princeton.  Oh look, dead bodies hanging from trees.  Uh oh, there’s a whole in the soft-top car… the something that’s making everyone kill themselves must have got in through the hole in the soft top and, oh…  That’s one less character to worry about.
  • Cut back to Marky Mark and co. driving to i’m not even sure where.
  • More dead bodies.
  • Zooey Deshcesnl gets RIGHT ON MY TITS!  I WISH SHE’D JUST FUCK OFF!
  • [chug]
  • Army personnel cliché.
  • “It’ll be ok” cliché.
  • Ewwwww!

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  • What on earth is happening?  More importantly, by this point, who gives a FUCK?
  • Medicine Woman actor explains how plants are fucking the people over, including trees and bushes etc. communicating with each other.  For actual fucks sake.
  • Time for another drink.  I honestly don’t usually drink so quickly but this film is really shitty.
  • Off they go to some place that apparently doesn’t have many people, they’ll be safe there, right?
  • No mobile network cliché.
  • God, my laptop is hot.  i really need a new one.
  • In-case-we-die tiramisu confession.  Aboohoohoo!

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  • Ominous wind.
  • Soldier with gun commits suicide.  did’t see that coming.
  • Marky Mark terrible acting alert – “oh no”.  Never has anyone said “oh no” with so little conviction.
  • Ha!  Second best line in a film “be scientific, douchbag”.  Ha!
  • Marky Mark has figured it out.
  • Plants are targeting humans as a threat.  And making them kill themselves.
  • Appalling dialogue warning:

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  • Fuck.  You.  Fuck you, M. Night Shyamalamaman!  How dare you do this!
  • So, Marky Mark has cracked it.  If they stay in small enough groups, the plants don’t make them commit suicide.
  • Urgh.  “I’ll go and see if that truck has a map”.  Who would say that?!
  • Radio news cliché.
  • So, some of the group make it to a nearby house.  Mark spots a potted plant and cue massive rofls starts talking to it “in a very positive manner” reassuring it they’re just going to use the bog and be on their way.  Ahahahahaha!  But oh, it’s plastic!  How hilarious!  Urgh.

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  • Mmm, Strongbow…
  • Primordial bacteria in Australia blah blah blah.  Argh urgh oof.
  • Running from the house now, Marky Mark hangs back to witness suicide by ride-on lawnmower.  Yep.  That happened.

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  • Ha, isn’t that the fat kid from that Bruce Willis film?!  Awkward teenagers, chuh!
  • Radio news cliché.  Handy there was a radio hanging from a fence in the middle of a field.
  • Does Zooey thingy have to have tears in her eyes the WHOLE TIME?  SHE’S SO ANNOYING.
  • What’s left of the group – Marky Mark, Zooey, fat Bruce Willis kid and black teenage boy find another house in the middle of nowhere.

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  • Erm, scratch that [slo-mo teen murders].
  • Now just a trio they head back on their way.  Who needs teenagers, anyway?
  • TV news exposition cliché.

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  • Reminiscing about first date cliché.
  • Ominous music cliché.
  • Ominous wind cliché.
  • “I’m scared” “It’s ok” cliché.
  • Woman on porch who doesn’t know what’s going on cliché
  • Iinviting them for supper cliché.
  • She’s so maddeningly gormless!
  • God, there’s still 28 minutes left…
  • Oh look, lemurs!

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  • Urgh, hang on, what?!
  • After all that, all I get is a shitty “3 months later” note on the screen?  Fucking fuck you, you fucking arseholes!
  • More fucking TV news exposition!  FUCK OFF!
  • And part of that exposition “It was an act of nature.  We’ll never fully know why this happened”. ARGH, FUCKING FUCK OFF YOU UTTER, UTTER BASTARRDS!!!
  • Positive pregnancy test stick cliché.
  • Cut to busy park-looking place in France.  Cue ominous wine [oops, Freudian slip?  That should be ‘wind’].  Cue dour music.  And with the last sip of my final drink, The Happening begins again.  Oooooh…
  • And I want to smash someone really hard in the face.  Repeatedly.  Until there’s nothing left but a hot, red, wet pile of gore.

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*****

(On a side note – for those of you who don’t follow or missed the “new link!” post a week or so ago – there’s some movie news and new footage on the Raising Hell site HERE)

135 comments

  1. jmount43

    I was of the strong opinion that The Village was Mr. Shyamalanadingdongs worst and most excremental film. Then I watched The Happening and it reminded me, and I paraphrase my own quote about serial killers, that just when you thought you’ve seen the biggest piece of crap something will damn sure come along that’s even bigger. The Happening is a large turd that curls around inside the bowl; The Village is merely little pebbles of poo.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. You may have hated “Lady in the Water” but compared to “The Happening” it looked like an Oscar picture. At least Paul Giamatti gave a terrific performance, where as in this one no one did; of course it’s mostly b/c of Night’s odd direction b/c he did have a talented cast to work with. I don’t know what Night was thinking with this one. This was terrible in every single facet; not a single intriguing moment from start to finish – nor quality performance from any of the cast – or a single frame of brilliant directing. That’s quite the accomplishment.

    Liked by 3 people

      • I actually liked Lady in the Water. I think it’s the last Night film I have liked. The Happening was just abysmal – and Devil was underwhelming – and After Earth was poorly executed as in the writing, directing and acting; you know those kinds of things. lol.

        Very good selection for SF! This movie truly epitomizes the spirit of what Eric was searching for when creating this contest. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • It’s better than The Happening and After Earth; it just could have been executed better. I did guess who the devil was and the reveal scene was kind of creepy. I was just expecting more and overall was underwhelmed.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Chris Messina is one of my favorite up-and-coming actors, but I didn’t notice him in “Devil”, but I liked him on “The Mindy Project” and watching him argue w/ Mindy. I actually wrote a post about that show and him on my prior blog in 2013; but I stopped watching the show when they got him and Mindy together; to me it killed it. I liked watching them argue and his character really could not stand her and it was hilarious to see b/c of how annoying she can be; but although annoying she’s also funny and likable at the same time – and was a perfect contrast to Messina’s no-nonsense. I also liked him in a couple other romantic comedies. He’s good in those roles. He was also on “Damages” which is probably my favorite series after “Luther”.

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        He was the main cop in Devil – if you care to remember it lol… never watched The Mindy Project. Like we talked about earlier – I’m over EVERYONE from The Office and Robinson’s show will fail terribly.

        Like

      • Oh dude, Mindy Kaling is FAR more talented than Craig Robinson! lol. She actually has her own schtick and helps carry her own show. Robinson’s show will fail b/c it’s chock full of recycled stereotypes and cliches, and I for one always take happiness in watching crappy shows like that get canned. BTW, you didn’t like “The Office”?

        Liked by 1 person

      • Dude, the first 3 seasons of “The Office” was as good as ANY comedy series of ANY era; it was next to immaculate! The series declined each season after the writers strike (season 4) but seasons 4-6 were still very good…and then starting season 7 it just snowballed downhill, and only had about a handful of good episodes.

        Liked by 1 person

      • The first 2 seasons of The Mindy Project is worth watching. There’s this scene on season 1 where Mindy is going off on a rant and somehow one of male co-workers bumps into her and accidentally elbows her in the face and splits her nose open…and seriously dude, it looked like a horror movie. Blood was gushing from her nose and streaming down her face – but she was so focused on her rant she didn’t notice the blood and the camera stayed on her face the whole time as she continued to go on and on. lol. It was gross. I actually looked away.

        Then on the next scene after her nose had been bandaged she went on the subway with Chris Messina and they got into an argument about something (as usual) and she shouts to everyone on the subway “My husband beats me! Look what he did to my face!” and Chris Messina yells to the crowd, “That is not true. I would never marry her!” lol.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Reblogged this on filmnerdblog and commented:
    Here’s my summer Shitfest entry: Shitfaced Shitfest: The Happening. Thanks as always to my good friend Eric at the excellent IPC for letting me stink up his brilliant site with my drunken ramblings on this turgid nonsense.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. This was fucking hilarious!!!! Love it Laura!!!! Brilliant choice, in theory you should win immediately. I’ll never forget when I first watched it, when the origin of the deaths was revealed I thought someone was playing a trick on me and I’d wake up in a straight jacket.

    “John Leguiazimo in “I have to go and find my wife” cliché.” – lines like this cracked me up!!! I always think of that bloody tiramisu thing as well. Ridiculous!

    The tank top!!! Ha ha ha ha ha. What an awesome post, I do truly love it 🙂 that bit about the hotdogs and Oscar Wilde was so funny! Well, all of it. Sorry for not planning this comment more and just rambling away! But yeah…I love it!!!

    Liked by 5 people

  5. OH Laura Laura Laura.n Your review of this has made my morning very awesome. Thank you very much for this. Yes, the whole thing that it was Plants that were making humans do this was one of the worst things ever, because it just came out of nowhere. Zooey Dechenel was a freaking terrible actress in this, but she has been good in other things. The age gap between he and Marky Mark wasn’t that much creepy that we have seen in other films. Great review

    Liked by 3 people

    • One of the worst age gaps I saw recently was Jim Carrey and Zooey Douche-elle in Yes Man. Jim Carrey looked so rubber faced and wrinkly, Zooey looked young and gorgeous. It literally looked ridiculous!

      Liked by 2 people

    • Ah, thank you Vern. I’m very glad to provide a little glimmer of fun on a Monday morning. The whole plant thing pissed me right off, as I’m sure you could tell. I meant, what the fuck? Argh!

      True 10 years isn’t so bad but it’s made worse by the fact that he looks craggy enough to be nearly 50 and she looks like a teenager.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I feel like I have deja vu… has someone submitted this movie in a past Shitfest? I know M. Night is one of the top offenders so maybe it was one of his other stink bombs. But I feel like we’ve had this one before. Either way, it still sucks plenty of buttonhole and deserves to be trashed time and time again. Boooo urns Marky Mark and his shit winds.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Hahaha! Laura! Love this! This movie is SO SHIT!!!!! Looks like it still sucks even when drunk. 🙂 Hmm… I did a drunk review once! I totally forgot about that! What the hell was that for?! Anyway… Zooey Deschanel is annoying as fuck. Screenkicker Mike did a post about her being the Anti-Christ. Lol 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Tom

    So this is full of amazingness, but here’s where I lost it: “Medicine Woman actor explains how plants are fucking the people over, including trees and bushes etc. communicating with each other. For actual fucks sake.”

    Lololol god that was good

    Liked by 1 person

  9. A film that, when I’m feeling down, always gives me a lift. I HOWL laughing at this one. In fact I’m convinced it’s meant to be a comedy.

    When that soldier randomly utters “cheese and crackers”… No. I just can’t hate The Hap – coz it’s hilarious!

    Liked by 1 person

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