Ah Shitfest, the biannual event that made me famous. This time I am back to lambaste the cinematic reworkings of one of my most hated novelists, Nicholas Sparks, the man who brought us not only the bizarrely popular The Notebook and the utterly ludicrous, Safe Haven. I have decided to turn my beady eye on The Lucky One, a mind-numbing attempt to cash in not only on the Americans’ love of large dogs (like Zach Efron) and as well as veterans… as long as it doesn’t have to take care of them after they’ve come back from the illegal war… but I digress.
The Lucky Shit AKA The Lucky One (2012)
Zach Efron plays a marine stationed in I-Rack, who after a raid on what seems like mostly women and children spots a photo lying in the dust. When he goes over to pick up there is an explosion exactly where he was sitting and he is the only one who lives. So he keeps the picture, which is of a pretty blonde woman, as a lucky charm.
Eight months later he’s heading off on some kind of mission and gets out his picture so show his friend. It’s surprisingly uncovered in jizz. Lo and behold there’s another explosion and once again Zach is the only survivor. Apparently once again saved by his lucky picture which appears to be unlucky for everyone else who keeps getting blown up.
At the end of the tour he goes back home to stay with his sister but he seems to be suffering from some kind of low level PTSD which makes him want to murder her children so he decides the best thing to do is take his picture and his dog and go and find the woman in the picture. At this point I have to ask a question of the Americans who are reading this? Are there many lighthouses in America? Maybe more than ten? I ask this because Zach figures out where picture lady lives because there is a lighthouse in the background of the picture, which he manages to miraculously find on the internet after about five minutes.
Rather than getting a bus or stealing his sister’s car or something more sensible he decides to walk to Louisiana from Colorado. Poor dog.
When he finds picture girl it turns out she is PIPER FROM ORANGE IS THE NEW BLACK – OMG… and runs a pet motel with her grandmother WHO IS GWYNETH PALTROW’S MOTHER. Are pet motels a thing? I think we’d call that a kennel where I come from. Obviously because she works with animals who know Piper is a good person.
Pipes assumes that Zach has appeared because he wants to apply for the job she’s advertising so he decides not to show her the picture because clearly if she knows that he found a picture of her in I-Rack her head will explode or something.
When Pipes finds out he’s a marine she instantly gets all wet in the knicker area but then she finds out he walked and she decides he’s a nutter. Gramma will have to decide if he stays. Obviously she can appreciate grade A quality man meat and Zach is in.
He finds himself an old shithole to live in and starts helping to fix up the dog motel.He is amazing at DIY because he is a GOOD GUY but don’t forget he has PROBLEMS because he was in I-Rack!
Unfortunately for Zach he is not the only man in Pipes’ life. She has an ex-husband. He is not a GOOD GUY and also A COP and his family is VERY RICH and his dad is running for MAYOR. She also has a young son, who has big hair and plays the violin and gets teased for this and even worse his dad won’t let him practise in his house because he is NOT A GOOD GUY.
Meanwhile Piper is finding Zach really annoying or at least that’s what she says because we can secretly see the only reason she is being mean to him is because she has a massive lady boner for all the topless DIY because I mean he’s Zach Efron and A GOOD GUY. Plus not only is he big and strong he also plays the piano and likes philosophy because he’s really DEEP!
Zach decides to get closer to Pipes by inviting himself around for dinner where he’s clearly not welcome. Over the meal Pipes’ life story comes out. It turns out she’s missed out on all her dreams because Ex-Huscop knocked her up when she was a teenager. He married her but he also did lots of sex on other women because he is NOT A GOOD GUY. Clearly all Pipes needs is a GOOD GUY to rescue her. In the meantime Zach does lots of bonding with Gramma and the kid. He is such a GOOD GUY that he is excellent with both children and the elderly.
Pipes then tells Zach that she’s really sad because her brother, who was her best friend died in I-Rack, but they don”t know if it was under friendly fire. This is where the picture must have come from!! Zach thinks he should probably tell Pipes about the picture but he can’t bring himself to. Although goodness knows why. I can’t imagine why any sane woman would be upset that a man found a picture of her. It’s not like it was a beaver shot. It turns out that Piper might not be entirely sane though since visits her brother’s grave and goes batshit crazy.
[INSERT UNNECESSARY MONTAGE OF DOG WASHING]
Later on Ex-Huscop takes the kid to a baseball game but he comes back injured because his dad wants to make A MAN out of him. Pipes is not impressed and Ex-Huscop gets all aggressive with her because he is NOT A GOOD GUY. Zach tries to stop him because he is a GOOD GUY!
Pipes feels like it’s time to open up to Zach a bit so she shows him her dad’s boat, which hasn’t started for years. One can almost see the cogs turning in Zach’s head as he decides to fix it.
At this point I paused the Netflix to see how much longer there was of this film and realised it was forty-five fucking minutes. It is only through my love of the IPC that I actually managed to continue.
Anyway, moving on. Pipes and Zach have now admitted their attraction to each other and he tells her, “you should be kissed every day, every hour, every minute.” Am I the only one that thinks this would be horribly inconvenient. When would you poop or eat pizza or buy t-shirts on ASOS?
Anyway he doesn’t get to kiss her all day because the cops show up. Awkward. Has Ex-Huscop been watching them?
The next day lo and behold he’s off to fix the boat. Who saw that coming? But there’s a power failure. As Piper is clearly too much of a pussy to be in the dark on her own he goes to check on her. They start making out on a chair but the lights come on in the middle of it. Aw shit! Poor Zach. His boner will have to wait.
Despite the chair action Pipes is not sure about Zach. Can he really be such a GOOD GUY?
It’s the kid’s birthday party and Zach is there because he is now the kid’s best friend because he is such a GOOD GUY. Ex-Huscop is not happy though. He doesn’t want Piper to see Zach anymore and he threatens her with taking he kid away from her. His logic is absolutely ludicrous but she is even more ludicrous for believing he could so easily get custody. But she dumps Zach anyway and he feels bad for making her life complicated because he is such a GOOD GUY.
Gramma is not impressed with Pipes’ decision and it’s not long before she realises she is being a dick and confronts Ex-Huscop telling him she’ll take him to court and no judge would give him the kid who she is pretty sure he doesn’t want anyway. Way to grow some lady balls and get some GOOD GUY penis, Pipes!
Here comes the shower sex… which everyone knows is a bad idea. Plus who is going to clean up all the water that they have spilled everywhere. P.S. Sorry Eric #noboobs, this is Nicholas Sparks after all.
By now of course everyone has all but forgotten about the PHOTO so Pipes almost finds it just so we can all be reminded that they still have a SECRET!
Meanwhile Zach continues to bond with the kid by teaching him that the marines are about looking after the guy next to you plus he gets the kid to play the violin in church while he accompanies him on the piano because he is such a GOOD GUY!
At this point Ex-Huscop realises that he has lost EVERYTHING because Zach is simply a BETTER GUY than him. Except that wait a minute, one of his cronies knows that Zach was going around with the photo asking people if they knew the woman who was in it so he breaks into his house, steals it, gives it to Pipes and insinuates that Zach might have killed her brother. So NOT A GOOD GUY!
Pipes demands the truth from Zach who tells her the whole story of how he didn’t get exploded because of her (and totally didn’t do jizz on her face). She freaks out and says he should have saved her brother and she wants him gone. WTF???
At the same time Ex-Huscop is at the bar getting KRUUUUUUNK but he still wants to drive because he is NOT A GOOD GUY. His cop buddy won’t let him so instead he attacks Zach as he is on his way out of town and eats his apple #fruitviolence. Zach easily disarms him though because he is a MARINE and a GOOD GUY and he can PROTECT you!
Even in Louisiana cops are not supposed to attack people in the streets and Ex-Huscop actually feels bad about his behaviour. His dad the mayor says he will protect him but he wants to make up with Pipes so he heads off into the now raging storm to find her. She doesn’t want anything to do with him so he goes back to his old plan of threatening to take the kid. The kid doesn’t like the sound of this one bit so he runs off into the storm. Stupid kid. Ex-Huscop goes after him.
Meanwhile Zach has found a picture of Pipes’ brother in a book the kid gave him… it’s his friend. He knows he died in the raid! He has to tell Pipes! He arrives just in time to rescue the kid who is now on a broken rope bridge but not in time to save Ex-Huscop. Poor old Ex-Huscop. He dead. Convenient.
Zach tells Pipes what really happened to her brother and free of Ex-Huscop she forgives him and they live happily ever after.
THE END THANK GOD
What did we learn?
- America clearly has a lighthouse shortage
- Walking from Colorado to Louisiana is not unreasonable behaviour
- If you are a cop in Louisiana you can do almost anything you want
- Marine penis is addictive
- Dogs stay in motels now
- If you have a small slightly awkward piece of information to share with someone it’s better to hole it up until it turns into a massive crazy secret
- When in doubt fix her boat (not a euphemism)
- GOOD GUYS win
- BAD GUYS drown
- Don’t go out in the rain