Isaacs Picture Conclusions

SHITFEST 2015 ~ SUMMER: NORTHMEN – A VIKING SAGA (2014)

Northmen...A.Viking.Saga.2014.

I should have known. The minute I saw that excuse for a poster, I should have run. When my fiancé told me it was a recommendation from his colleague, I should have known. However, we decided to get into this, and lo and behold, I had my Shitfest movie!

I should have known.

breaking bad head shake

Anyway, I am sure you all know I love Norse mythology and I am a massive fan of the History Channel’s Vikings. Here was a movie, with the dude from Amon Amarth featuring. Hmmmm, let’s see.

Northmen...A.Viking.Saga.2014

Well… the minute the one viking wrestled a horse with its rider to the ground, I knew there were going to be problems. Big ones. If you are interested, the scene in question is actually featured in the trailer.

Not to mention, Jason Stackhouse, a monk? A Rafiki-type monk?! This can also be seen in the trailer. It hasn’t been that long since he wasn’t aware of anything in the Bible and had some hilarious views on religion.

Jason-Stackhouse-jason-stackhouse-22800923-500-269Also, we need to talk about the fact that somehow, someone thought it would be alright to use horror music in here. True story. Everything would be trundling along, we are watching a sorry excuse for a “viking epic”, but still, creepy horror music has no place in something like this. Who the hell thought that would be a good idea?!

Speaking of which, there is this one scene where the viking and the Westerner are having it out and end up battling it to the death in this mud pit thing. No problem, standing there fucking each other up. We can deal. However, the viking slays the Westerner, and suddenly he sinks away, the viking is wounded and cannot drag himself out of the mud and starts sinking. But never fear! Someone miraculously save him! I could deal with all that, up until the point that the “slain” Westerner hopped up, all dandy and without assistance – OUT OF THE MUD – and tried to continue his fight with the viking. Dude. You were dead! You were sunk! You had no assistance…

dean facepalm

And let’s all escape the day on this pissant little raft in the middle of a raging storm, because the seas have never claimed any lives!

The acting is totally cringeworthy, and what’s even worse is the movie is taking itself way too seriously throughout. The effects are pretty terrible too, and the plot overly predictable. It started bad, and no, it did not get better.

cringe

There was just so much wrong with this fucking movie.

You know what’s bad? As offensive as this trailer is, it doesn’t even remotely capture how freaking awful this movie is.

61 comments

  1. I’m all in favour in some muscled up brutes with long locks tied back in a sexy half-ponytail, but even I wouldn’t get within 50 feet of viewing distance of this turd. I’m sorry for your loss of an hour and a half spent watching this garbage. That was good time and it left us too soon.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. The first thing I noticed was the poster had the name Charlie Murphy. Immediately I thought of Dave Chappelle’s Rick James sketch featuring Eddie Murphy’s brother. Then I realized there’s an actress named Charlie Murphy and now I’m disappointed. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Ha! I love how they tried to make the guy on the poster look like Chris Hemsworth by covering half his face with his hair. Nice post, Zoe! Yes, I love hot Vikings but not enough to watch this. 🙂 #ImmigrantSong

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Pingback: Northmen – A Viking Saga (2014) | Super Formula PC

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