I should have known. The minute I saw that excuse for a poster, I should have run. When my fiancé told me it was a recommendation from his colleague, I should have known. However, we decided to get into this, and lo and behold, I had my Shitfest movie!
I should have known.
Anyway, I am sure you all know I love Norse mythology and I am a massive fan of the History Channel’s Vikings. Here was a movie, with the dude from Amon Amarth featuring. Hmmmm, let’s see.
Well… the minute the one viking wrestled a horse with its rider to the ground, I knew there were going to be problems. Big ones. If you are interested, the scene in question is actually featured in the trailer.
Not to mention, Jason Stackhouse, a monk? A Rafiki-type monk?! This can also be seen in the trailer. It hasn’t been that long since he wasn’t aware of anything in the Bible and had some hilarious views on religion.
Also, we need to talk about the fact that somehow, someone thought it would be alright to use horror music in here. True story. Everything would be trundling along, we are watching a sorry excuse for a “viking epic”, but still, creepy horror music has no place in something like this. Who the hell thought that would be a good idea?!
Speaking of which, there is this one scene where the viking and the Westerner are having it out and end up battling it to the death in this mud pit thing. No problem, standing there fucking each other up. We can deal. However, the viking slays the Westerner, and suddenly he sinks away, the viking is wounded and cannot drag himself out of the mud and starts sinking. But never fear! Someone miraculously save him! I could deal with all that, up until the point that the “slain” Westerner hopped up, all dandy and without assistance – OUT OF THE MUD – and tried to continue his fight with the viking. Dude. You were dead! You were sunk! You had no assistance…
And let’s all escape the day on this pissant little raft in the middle of a raging storm, because the seas have never claimed any lives!
The acting is totally cringeworthy, and what’s even worse is the movie is taking itself way too seriously throughout. The effects are pretty terrible too, and the plot overly predictable. It started bad, and no, it did not get better.
There was just so much wrong with this fucking movie.
You know what’s bad? As offensive as this trailer is, it doesn’t even remotely capture how freaking awful this movie is.