Shitfest 2015: A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014)
That is Afrikaans for “What the Fuck? “ I don’t know, but it sounds much more effective in Afrikaans. Anyway, wat de fok is the best way to describe what I felt during this movie. I’ve watched some pretty great movies lately, so I was quite nervous about what I would review for Shitfest. Then I remembered this piece of fucking shit little gem. I couldn’t finish it the three times I started it before for the purpose of this review, and even this time around I got up about three times to get it done.
Seth McFarlane is famous for being the writer of Family Guy. I’m probably going to get some flak for this, but I really don’t like Family Guy. It is so stupid. Have I mentioned that I hate animation except on a few occasions? Yeah. Apparently this movie is quite similar to the style of Family Guy and that is probably why I, well, fucking hated it. The cast is decent enough – Charlize Theron (i.e. The girl who dropped her heritage and accent for the fame and fortune of Hollywood). Amanda Seyfried and Liam Neeson are also in here but they can’t do anything to save the movie because they are giving such shit dialogue. It is an ode to Theron, of whom I am not a huge fan (because despite popular belief not all South-Africans idolize her), that her character is the least ridiculous and that she made the movie better when she came into it. Here are my thoughts on this – comment, bitch and enjoy!
This movie has the longest intro since Game of Thrones. I get that they were trying to work in an authentic Western introduction, but I could have written a thesis in thermonuclear physics while waiting for the actual movie to start.
The voice over at the beginning of the movie says that the Wild West was “A hard land for a hard folk”. I’m just wondering what has since then happened to ‘Merica? (Isn’t one of your current Presidential candidates DONALD TRUMP?) Anyway,
Seth is probably the big giant pussy that the voice over refers to. Okay, he is definitely the giant pussy being referred to. Also, why are female genatalia / cats always used to describe a male in a derogative way? Why not say that Seth/Alfred was like a penis – needs extreme compliments and attention to even get up and do something?
The guy that Alfred is in a duel off with sounds constipated.
How the fuck will I survive one hour and fifty one minutes of this?
So Louise is dumping Alfred because he didn’t enter a shoot off.
People only lived to be 35 way back then. I only have ten years left of my existence?!
Saloon? How about a whore house?
Edward is Gay AF. Am I the only one who thought this?
Her breath smells like cum. That sure is a way to get your boyfriend to stick around.
“He will come by when he feels like putting his penis into an ass” this HAS to be the best line of the movie.
Then: “I’m going to rest my arsehole” Succinct
I always wish you could smile in a photograph…
Death by farting. The amount of time that farting is referenced in this movie. Fuck.
You really shouldn’t drink and horse – how about you really shouldn’t drink and whores, Edward?
Albert would be cute in a boyish way if he wasn’t such a fucking loser.
Yeah Albert, telling a girl how you heard her fart is a sure way to get her attention back. Did you guys notice my subtle way of pointing out the latest inclusion of farting in this movie?
Liam Neeson and Charlize Theron have now entered the picture as a couple. Maybe they can save it, but all things considered, probably not.
I am now 19 minutes and 50 seconds in.
Alfred wore onesies before it was cool.
Now there are references to child molestation. Nice
“Ow, that came out of my penis” – That quote was a reference to yet another fart.
Oh, I am sure Louise is dating Moustache guy for his personality.
Ruth, the cum breath lady, has the oddest morals. She will fuck men for money but not Edward because she is a Christian and that is against the Bible. Hey Edward, maybe she is just using that as an excuse to not fuck you, eh?
I stopped recording my thoughts there. It was obvious that it would get progressively worse and my language would keep on deteriorating alongside my thoughts. So after many breaks and procrastination, I finished it up. This movie is really shit – there is nothing good about it. I actually managed to laugh in a few places, but I think my standards had lowered so much by then it wasn’t even that funny. It is full of toilet humour; it is racist, stupid and devoid of truly funny moments.
Well, I think I will stop here. A Million Ways to Die in the West is the worst form of comedy and I perhaps laughed once during the entire movie. Am I alone in this? Is the humour just too vulgar? I can take a dirty joke but this movie managed only dirt and no substance.
Thanks as always for a Shitfesty time, my beloved Pappy!!