Isaacs Picture Conclusions

THE SHITFEST 2015 ~ SUMMER CLOSING CEREMONY – TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) AND THE AMITYVILLE PLAYHOUSE (2015) WITH A DASH OF SXTAPE (2013)

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SUBMITTED BY

theipclogo2

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What a load of fucking shit. How in the fucking world is it poss- let me digress.

One Friday I went to work (even though I am losing my job) as I have for the last 16 years even though I am the only one who goes into the office anymore (everyone works remote). I drIve through the 100 degree heat with a functioning A/C, get to work and walk over the blazing asphalt into my building. For those of you who don’t work there, when you enter the lobby there is a light fixture that’s been fucking buzzing and probably overheating, ready to catch fire for about a year now. I walk past that thing with my OCD clicking and get to the elevator. As I wait, I notice that something seems amiss but I head upstairs anyway, armed with a box of Diet Cokes to stick in the fridge, get logged in to everything and interact with YOU, The Most Beloveds. As I step off the elevator and begin my approach I realize something, the fucking A/C is off – which is not a common thing in this pathetic building and it seems like it’s been off all goddamned night because it feels like a fucking sauna; around 130 degrees. My old co-worker Mary (please click that link since soon I won’t be working with those folks) stole my thermometer years ago so I can’t establish the temp for this post but I logged in, synched up my laptop and headed home.

(I’m not actually sure if this gif is from the movie since I didn’t see the beginning but it’s appropriate)

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Arriving home, I remember that this is Mrs. The IPC’s day off because she’s been sick so I sneak into HQ and log in silently to not wake her up. Mr Toots complies with my designs to be silent and not bark my face off and I silently slip out of my work attire and into something less heatstroke inducing. Queue up a couple of hours later and, while I sit here interacting with My Most Beloveds on the IPC Macbook with the IPC work station running behind it (I highly recommend the “Move Mouse” application) someone I live with turns on a movie. It seems loud and I can recognize a few voices and I ask “Whatcha watching??” I hear “Transformers… the one with Marky Mark.” and I laugh “Nice. Enjoy that shit.” (Even though I have never seen it.

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As I sit here talking to YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU , I become intrigued with the noises coming from the living room…

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I thought the first one was ok, the second not so much and the third was absolute GARBAGE. Sooooooooooo I got up to stretch my legs and walked into the living room and stood behind the couch and watched a few minutes of this thing. What I saw was wretched – these giant robots were standing there in the cold night talking and BREATHING with their breath turning into frost. They also fucking BLINK and they’re mad at the humans for something and whatever so I left.

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Some minutes go by and I’m drawn to it like you get drawn into your own fart when you sit down in one and I head back in there and the Autobots are being chased down the street by some sort of man-made Decipticons and Stanley Tucci is fucking in this and Marky Mark and some girl whose make-up never smears are getting thrown from a car going 120 mph and Bumblebee is flying through the air in slow motion saving them from being splattered all over the road and he’s doing flips and turns and gainers and somehow he doesn’t crush these two fuckers with his giant robot hands but instead gently places them on the side of the road like two gentle flowers and I took a shit in this movie’s direction.

(I don’t think this is from the movie either but it expresses a point above)

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But on this movie went and one of the robots has a Japanese accent and then they bust out some dinosaur robots and Optimus Prime rides a dinosaur robot like a horse and John Goodman plays a robot who smokes a fucking robot cigar and then they destroy an entire city and I guess they win and then Optimus Prime flies off into the cosmos as everybody cries and they all live happily ever after except for Frasier who got killed when I wasn’t looking.

TRANS7

And that was going to be it for this post and I would send everyone on their way to vote for their favorite Shitfest entries……… but then I watched one of the worst movies I’ve EVER seen in my fucking life:

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The ONLY reason I would have ever bothered with this is because I’m a Completist and you might remember that Zoe and I did a run on the entire franchise HERE –  and my OCD couldn’t just leave this dangling out there like a dong in the wind, so I rented it and immediately regretted this poor decision making on my behalf about four minutes into the movie. This fucking chick down here, with her fucking bangs, her twisty eyeballs and her fucking pimply chin ↓

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inherits a fucking movie theater from her fucking dead parents. Turns out she lives in some Canadian province with her Canadian friends and her Canadian school teacher but the theater is in some town called Amityville so they hop in their Canadian cars and head south to check it out. These are five of the worst actors I have ever laid my eyes on and they deliver their lines as pathetically as possible. I can’t really come up with words to explain this but there’s this scene where the five of them are trying to leave the theater and the door is locked.  Imagine for a minute that there is only ONE door in the entire building that violates every fire code in America. Now imagine that you’ve been stuck in a room for eight hours listening to some boring man read you The Telecommunications Act of 1936. In your most bored, tired, uninspired voice, say these words with your friends:

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHO LOCKED THE FUCKING DOOR?

I DIDN’T LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.

I’M SO SCARED. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN MY LIFE.

WE’LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE. WE’RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE.

I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. MY HANDS ARE BLEEDING.

QUIT FUCKING AROUND AND OPEN THE DOOR.

THE DOOR WON’T OPEN. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED? I’M SO FUCKING SCARED.

WE’RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE THE DOOR IS LOCKED.

I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS SCARED IN MY LIFE.

#satanicdoorknob

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There is nothing at all good about this movie and the end is so stupid you’ll want to punch yourself in the balls (or other) for watching it. If anyone ever tries to convince you to watch this, raise your arms over your head and start screaming as loud as possible and chase them off down the street (or other).

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And THAT was going to be the end of this post before I sent you off……. and then I watched:

trans11So there’s this chick, right. She’s an artist and has henna tattoos on her fingers so she’s cool and and all that. She likes to suck her boyfriend’s dong and have sex all the time.  her boyfriend is a filmmaker and he shoots her in action ALL THE TIME. You know, having sex, sucking dong….trans12… showing her tits out the window. One day they decide to film each other talking and she wants to do an art showing and she has the prefect place to scout out…trans14

… an abandoned mental asylum!!! (That’s not the one from the movie).
hosp1So they get there and the guy chickens out but she “you’re a pussy”‘s him into going in and of course it’s littered with shit everywhere and it’s been abandoned since forever but the lights still work and the EXIT signs are nice and bright and clean and they roam the halls despite hearing screams and things bumping around and of course they find…trans13a gurney with functional straps on it so they decide to have sex on it. He straps her in, makes sure it’s nice and tight and then…. leaves her there overnight to scare her. Of course she gets possessed and the next morning he comes back and she sucks on his dong again and they start to have The Sex and her nose bleeds and….trans15… if it hadn’t already been so fucking stupid it just gets worse and worse and worse and worse. Trust me, you don’t want any part of this.trans16

This next part might be a little gross so I’m going to white it out so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK –  have you ever taken a poop and then, while cleaning yourself, the paper ruptures and you get poop on your fingers? That’s the equivalent of watching this goddamned thing.

Now that that unpleasantness is over, let’s move on!!

Yikes – my posts usually come in at around 400-500 words and this is already at 1700+ so I’m sorry if this thing it too long, so let’s wrap this up.

Shitfest Summer has been nothing but AMAZING!!!!! YOU are AMAZING!!!! This has totally been the most epic Shitfest ever with more posts, views and comments than ever before! What a deal!!! So – now it’s time to vote!! I’ll take votes for the SIX DAYS and announce the winner on:

SUNDAY AUGUST 20th

I normally take votes for one week but we’ve got something fun scheduled for the last week of August! Please don’t vote in the comments and you can vote how you want but I’m not the type of guy who votes for himself….. Send your votes to ei@theipc.me and make it look like this in the body of the email (it doesn’t have to look exactly like this but you get the point):

Hi Eric,

Here’s my votes for Shitfest:

1 – Your Birdman

2 – Your Top Ten List

3 – Your HC3

4 – Your Sheena

5 – Your Shitfest Social

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,

Emma Stone

Please send them in order so I don’t get confused…!

1st place = 5 points
2nd = 4 points
3rd = 3 points
4th = 2 points
5th = 1 point

The post with the most points will win this amazing trophy!!!

*EDIT: SHIT!!! I FORGOT TO PUT THE LINK TO THE BIG LIST OF ALL THE POSTS TO VOTE ON – CLICK HERE TO HEAD TO THE ANTHOLOGY PAGE!!*

CARASTAFF

Of course, it won’t be THAT amazing trophy because that one is in the hands of It’s mistress, but I will cast a new model out of the souls of the innocent and ship it YOUR way! Take a look at these past True Testimonials!!!

TIM THE FILM GUY

SMASHING THROUGH LIFE

SILVER SCREEN SERENADE

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

ORACLE OF FILM

So let’s do this!!! Shitfest forever!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND – because this post is so long – here’s a going away treat from your friends at THE IPC – it IS safe for work : )

127 comments

  7. Mel @ The Creative Fox Den

    HAHAHAHAHA! Firstly (and most importantly) #satanicdornknob !!! Epic video accompaniment. Secondly, this Transformers movie really was the WORST. And I have a big thing for dinosaurs. I can almost forgive any horrible dinosaur movie simply because there are dinosaurs in it, even if they are robot dinosaurs. But this?? HORRIBLE! Thirdly, the third movie looks so bad. Why in the world would he tie her to a gurney for a whole night in a mental hospital??? Does he hate her? Did she sleep with his mother? That’s not cool. But, I suppose the rest of the movie is pretty terrible too.

    I have to think on what I’m voting for! But I’m pumped. This was so much fun!

    #satanicbesties
    #creepsiesforever
    #existentialpigs

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      I couldn’t EVEN believe how stupid Transformers was…. unbelievable!!

      As to that third movie – it was THE WORST!!! It was so stupid.

      “Tie me to this gurney and let’s have sex!”
      “OK”
      *Tietietie
      “i’m going to go ahead and leave you here all night to scare you”
      “You bastard!”
      *leaves
      *the next morning
      “I want to suck on your weenie”

      What the fuck??

      #satanicbestiesforever
      #satanicdoorknobs
      #thebestdeadbody
      #squintiesforever
      #oatmealvendetta

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  8. Natasha

    My Sweet Pappy Giuseppe

    1) Really still sorry about your job! I’ve realized that humanity fucking sucks.
    2) Hope Mrs. IPC is feeling much better!
    3) This Transformers looks like shit. I think life would be perfect if my makeup never smudged while I was being chased by Decepticons.
    4) “Watched” one of the Amityville Horrors with JB and I was so bored it was lame lame lame #lame
    5) She should have OPENED THE DOOR!
    6) Thank you for an amazing Shitfest. I love!!
    7) Sorry for the numbered response. Was worried I forgot what I wanted to say!

    Love,
    Kidney Giuseppe

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • theipc

      My Dear Sweet Kidney Giuseppe,

      1) Hopefully better things are ahead!
      2) She is – THANK YOU!!!
      3) It was awful and maybe they’ll invent that unsmearing make-up soon so, when you are chased by giant robots at 100 MPH you’ll still look good when they leave!
      4) I’m surprised she still talks to me HAHA
      5) She can’t open the door. The door is locked.
      6) THANK YOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!
      7) Your numbered responses are always welcomed here!!

      Love,

      Sugar Pappy Giuseppe!!

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  11. johnlink00

    And lo – on this day – like some other days before – but different from most of the other days – as our circled sphere spins fast around that glowing orb we call the sun – on this day we say adieu to Shitfest. And though she was a young Shitfest, she will live in our hearts and colons for time immeasurable.
    Rest in peace Shitfest. We hardly knew ye.

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
  13. emmakwall

    What a way to wrap it up Pen! Loved this post loads and loads and loads 🙂 🙂 🙂

    My favourite bit was hearing about your day in the first few paragraphs, you always write in a way that makes me want to know more!!!

    Can’t believe you linked up everyone’s sites as well, you really are such a lovely, dedicated person O _ o o _ O

    I’ve given all three movies a little Emma grade –

    Transformers Age of Extinction – not in a million years
    The Amityville Theatre – a tiny part of me would watch this……but why’s the fucking door locked?
    Sx Tape – this seriously isn’t a parody?????

    Lol at the locked door video!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Love Clam!!!!! O _ o o _ O
    #extras
    #megutscoopTHURSDAY

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • theipc

      CLAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Thank you SO MUCH for everything!!! LOL – I LOVE your grades!! What a great comment!!

      You’re now the second person who was seemed willing to watch The Amityville theater…. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED!!! : )

      #thedoorislocked

      Love Pen!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      O _ o < 3 o _ O

      XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • emmakwall

        #thedoorislocked
        #thepenisinthedrawer

        Oh you know me, if it looks kinda crap and like a horror movie there’s a chance I’ll love it!!! (I take after my dad, he loves shit horror movies too…)

        This Monday at work has been awful(though not as awful as losing your job so I should keep it in perspective…) but seeing this post made my day!!!! Seriously!!

        I’ve just voted :p

        You have nothing to thank me for, nothing at all!!!!! YOU’RE THE ONE!!!!! You’re THE ONE I’m saying thank you to!! (does this even make sense?! I’m pressing send…!)

        xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

        NOW I’m pressing send 🙂

        #extras

        #seanpertwee

        Okay, now I am 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      • theipc

        #penisinthecup HAHAHAHAHA!!!!

        Well – good luck!! We can bond over it when you’re through : )

        #thedoorislocked

        You know what’s even worse?? Having to attend a conference call when your last day is next week!!! BARF!!!!

        Nope – THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU

        : )

        #megutscoop
        #anfernee
        #O _ o o _ O

        Like

  14. Zoë

    Fuck my life, these are some AWFUL picks. There was no way that they were going to be alright! And ANOTHER Amityville?! Goodness gracious me Chop, WHY DO YOU DO IT TO YOURSELF?! xD I don’t know if I can ever look at another one of those again…

    HOWEVER, I am super stoked about our upcoming 😀

    Will hit you up with some votes this week, want to check them all out again then get back to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  22. sweetarchive

    I don’t care how long this post is… it’s HILARIOUS!! can’t believe how many shitty films you watched in one night! You are and always will be the Shitfest winner, My most talented friend! Promise I will never ever ever ever watch any of those poor excuses for B movies. Getting prepared for my vote now… In the meantime #closingceremonybigsmoooooooooch

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  25. Jordan Dodd

    Votes sent my friend! Had a blast participating for my first time, such fun writing in a way I never do! I’ve got some half-arsed reviews cooking as well that I’ll send to you when I’m satisfied with them 🙂

    #SHITFESTFOREVERBITCHES!!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  26. Smash

    How DARE they kill Frasier off! What a bunch of assholes.

    Another Shitfest comes to a close and many laughs were had by all. I’ll miss this. Let’s do it again real soon. Great post buddy. Keep on rocking in the free world.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

  33. Pingback: Devil Week with The IPC: Devil’s Tower | filmnerdblog

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