What a load of fucking shit. How in the fucking world is it poss- let me digress.
One Friday I went to work (even though I am losing my job) as I have for the last 16 years even though I am the only one who goes into the office anymore (everyone works remote). I drIve through the 100 degree heat with a functioning A/C, get to work and walk over the blazing asphalt into my building. For those of you who don’t work there, when you enter the lobby there is a light fixture that’s been fucking buzzing and probably overheating, ready to catch fire for about a year now. I walk past that thing with my OCD clicking and get to the elevator. As I wait, I notice that something seems amiss but I head upstairs anyway, armed with a box of Diet Cokes to stick in the fridge, get logged in to everything and interact with YOU, The Most Beloveds. As I step off the elevator and begin my approach I realize something, the fucking A/C is off – which is not a common thing in this pathetic building and it seems like it’s been off all goddamned night because it feels like a fucking sauna; around 130 degrees. My old co-worker Mary (please click that link since soon I won’t be working with those folks) stole my thermometer years ago so I can’t establish the temp for this post but I logged in, synched up my laptop and headed home.
(I’m not actually sure if this gif is from the movie since I didn’t see the beginning but it’s appropriate)
Arriving home, I remember that this is Mrs. The IPC’s day off because she’s been sick so I sneak into HQ and log in silently to not wake her up. Mr Toots complies with my designs to be silent and not bark my face off and I silently slip out of my work attire and into something less heatstroke inducing. Queue up a couple of hours later and, while I sit here interacting with My Most Beloveds on the IPC Macbook with the IPC work station running behind it (I highly recommend the “Move Mouse” application) someone I live with turns on a movie. It seems loud and I can recognize a few voices and I ask “Whatcha watching??” I hear “Transformers… the one with Marky Mark.” and I laugh “Nice. Enjoy that shit.” (Even though I have never seen it.
As I sit here talking to YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU and YOU , I become intrigued with the noises coming from the living room…
I thought the first one was ok, the second not so much and the third was absolute GARBAGE. Sooooooooooo I got up to stretch my legs and walked into the living room and stood behind the couch and watched a few minutes of this thing. What I saw was wretched – these giant robots were standing there in the cold night talking and BREATHING with their breath turning into frost. They also fucking BLINK and they’re mad at the humans for something and whatever so I left.
Some minutes go by and I’m drawn to it like you get drawn into your own fart when you sit down in one and I head back in there and the Autobots are being chased down the street by some sort of man-made Decipticons and Stanley Tucci is fucking in this and Marky Mark and some girl whose make-up never smears are getting thrown from a car going 120 mph and Bumblebee is flying through the air in slow motion saving them from being splattered all over the road and he’s doing flips and turns and gainers and somehow he doesn’t crush these two fuckers with his giant robot hands but instead gently places them on the side of the road like two gentle flowers and I took a shit in this movie’s direction.
(I don’t think this is from the movie either but it expresses a point above)
But on this movie went and one of the robots has a Japanese accent and then they bust out some dinosaur robots and Optimus Prime rides a dinosaur robot like a horse and John Goodman plays a robot who smokes a fucking robot cigar and then they destroy an entire city and I guess they win and then Optimus Prime flies off into the cosmos as everybody cries and they all live happily ever after except for Frasier who got killed when I wasn’t looking.
And that was going to be it for this post and I would send everyone on their way to vote for their favorite Shitfest entries……… but then I watched one of the worst movies I’ve EVER seen in my fucking life:
The ONLY reason I would have ever bothered with this is because I’m a Completist and you might remember that Zoe and I did a run on the entire franchise HERE – and my OCD couldn’t just leave this dangling out there like a dong in the wind, so I rented it and immediately regretted this poor decision making on my behalf about four minutes into the movie. This fucking chick down here, with her fucking bangs, her twisty eyeballs and her fucking pimply chin ↓
inherits a fucking movie theater from her fucking dead parents. Turns out she lives in some Canadian province with her Canadian friends and her Canadian school teacher but the theater is in some town called Amityville so they hop in their Canadian cars and head south to check it out. These are five of the worst actors I have ever laid my eyes on and they deliver their lines as pathetically as possible. I can’t really come up with words to explain this but there’s this scene where the five of them are trying to leave the theater and the door is locked. Imagine for a minute that there is only ONE door in the entire building that violates every fire code in America. Now imagine that you’ve been stuck in a room for eight hours listening to some boring man read you The Telecommunications Act of 1936. In your most bored, tired, uninspired voice, say these words with your friends:
I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.
WHO LOCKED THE FUCKING DOOR?
I DIDN’T LOCK THE FUCKING DOOR.
I’M SO SCARED. I’VE NEVER BEEN SO SCARED IN MY LIFE.
WE’LL NEVER GET OUT OF HERE. WE’RE GOING TO DIE IN HERE.
I CAN’T OPEN THE DOOR. MY HANDS ARE BLEEDING.
QUIT FUCKING AROUND AND OPEN THE DOOR.
THE DOOR WON’T OPEN. THE DOOR IS LOCKED.
WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED? I’M SO FUCKING SCARED.
WE’RE GOING TO DIE BECAUSE THE DOOR IS LOCKED.
I’VE NEVER BEEN THIS SCARED IN MY LIFE.
There is nothing at all good about this movie and the end is so stupid you’ll want to punch yourself in the balls (or other) for watching it. If anyone ever tries to convince you to watch this, raise your arms over your head and start screaming as loud as possible and chase them off down the street (or other).
And THAT was going to be the end of this post before I sent you off……. and then I watched:
So there’s this chick, right. She’s an artist and has henna tattoos on her fingers so she’s cool and and all that. She likes to suck her boyfriend’s dong and have sex all the time. her boyfriend is a filmmaker and he shoots her in action ALL THE TIME. You know, having sex, sucking dong….… showing her tits out the window. One day they decide to film each other talking and she wants to do an art showing and she has the prefect place to scout out…
… an abandoned mental asylum!!! (That’s not the one from the movie).
So they get there and the guy chickens out but she “you’re a pussy”‘s him into going in and of course it’s littered with shit everywhere and it’s been abandoned since forever but the lights still work and the EXIT signs are nice and bright and clean and they roam the halls despite hearing screams and things bumping around and of course they find…a gurney with functional straps on it so they decide to have sex on it. He straps her in, makes sure it’s nice and tight and then…. leaves her there overnight to scare her. Of course she gets possessed and the next morning he comes back and she sucks on his dong again and they start to have The Sex and her nose bleeds and….… if it hadn’t already been so fucking stupid it just gets worse and worse and worse and worse. Trust me, you don’t want any part of this.
This next part might be a little gross so I’m going to white it out so READ AT YOUR OWN RISK – have you ever taken a poop and then, while cleaning yourself, the paper ruptures and you get poop on your fingers? That’s the equivalent of watching this goddamned thing.
Now that that unpleasantness is over, let’s move on!!
Yikes – my posts usually come in at around 400-500 words and this is already at 1700+ so I’m sorry if this thing it too long, so let’s wrap this up.
Shitfest Summer has been nothing but AMAZING!!!!! YOU are AMAZING!!!! This has totally been the most epic Shitfest ever with more posts, views and comments than ever before! What a deal!!! So – now it’s time to vote!! I’ll take votes for the SIX DAYS and announce the winner on:
SUNDAY AUGUST 20th
I normally take votes for one week but we’ve got something fun scheduled for the last week of August! Please don’t vote in the comments and you can vote how you want but I’m not the type of guy who votes for himself….. Send your votes to email@example.com and make it look like this in the body of the email (it doesn’t have to look exactly like this but you get the point):
Here’s my votes for Shitfest:
1 – Your Birdman
2 – Your Top Ten List
3 – Your HC3
4 – Your Sheena
5 – Your Shitfest Social
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
Please send them in order so I don’t get confused…!
1st place = 5 points
2nd = 4 points
3rd = 3 points
4th = 2 points
5th = 1 point
The post with the most points will win this amazing trophy!!!
Of course, it won’t be THAT amazing trophy because that one is in the hands of It’s mistress, but I will cast a new model out of the souls of the innocent and ship it YOUR way! Take a look at these past True Testimonials!!!
So let’s do this!!! Shitfest forever!!!!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND – because this post is so long – here’s a going away treat from your friends at THE IPC – it IS safe for work : )