I know we just finished Shitfest buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut this place was originally created to talk about shit horror so…….Dear Snow White: A Deadly Summer,
You are one of the worst fucking movies I have ever seen. HOW in the world did this get made? Who paid these actors? Who paid for the location? Who paid for Marcia Brady and Eric Roberts to be in this?? Who makes these movies??? After all of these years I still don’t get it. Are these solely for tax write-off purposes?? This is the worst of the worst and it’s not even Shitfest material, it’s so bad. Jesus!
Anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE The Brady Bunch and I grew up watching the show so I have nothing against Maureen McCormick – even though I preferred Jan – but WHAT THE FUCK Marcia?? This was the WORST piece of acting I have ever seen. I can only imagine you going home after the day’s shoot, sipping on a snifter of brandy and thinking, “God damn I acted my ass off today”. I also still like Eric Roberts even though he’s reduced himself to shit movie roles because of his drug addiction. I’ve known plenty of addicts in my time here and I promise you can get out of it – but you have to want to. This movie is the equivalent to the shit you might have slept on or near while you burned off your cocaine crash, huffing paint behind the local gas station, maybe sucking a couple of squishy dongs while you were at it. For five bucks. Or a joint.
From the opening, they loop the same sound effects of a girl squealing THREE times as her boyfriend drives a stolen car down the highway over the title credits. Queue Marcia talking to herself in the mirror “Snow White” style over and over as the evil “Twisted Sister” evil step mom.. I use quotes because that’s what they say over and over and over and over and fucking over. Queue evil Boot Camp out in the hills where they all have to sleep outside in sleeping bags and do jumping jacks all goddamn day. Jumping jacks and raking leaves as pathetically as possibly. I understand that some actresses have never had to rake leaves before but, REALLY?
*Here come some spoilers if you were looking forward to seeing this*
SHIT ON IT!!! This thing sucked SO BAD! So – shit this sucked and blah blah blah blah blah blah and fuck this is finally over but WHAT??? IT WAS ALL A FUCKING DREAM??? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? WHAT????? JESUS!!!!! One of the worst movies ever. I really don’t remember why I had this in my possession other than I often drink beer and queue up movies on Netflix but……………….. UGH! Good riddance to you!
And now – for the first ever Zero Top Hat Award, I present this:
Put that on your mantle with pride! Pin it to your lapel! Stick on future copies of the DVD!! Get it tattooed on that place above your loins so anyone ever going down on you will…. You’re welcome!! Fuck you, movie!!!
On a side note – I know a few of you are familiar with my job situation… my days here are ending and I’ve been and will be looking for employment. As such – I haven’t been able to do much writing recently even though Shitfest is when I usually get caught up SO – I’m going to be reposting some of my old shit that no one’s ever seen before. It’s not that I’ve been lazy it’s just that it’s been summer and it’s been hot and I’m working on the movie trailer and I lost my job and all of that shit. The only reason I’m really telling you this is because you’re going to see some posts coming out that are a LOT different than what you see out here these days and I don’t want you to be alarmed. I also think that, in the coming days and weeks (after 08-25) I will probably be less active on the blog – and it saddens me – but I probably won’t be sitting in front of a computer for eight hours a day with nothing to do. That doesn’t mean I’m abandoning or deserting you, I just won’t be as “ever-present” as I usually am (I think). Who knows – I could get worse : )
X X X!!
P.S. Most of my writing time has been spent on this series I am working on that I think is kind of epic… it’s definitely been fun for me : ) Here’s a red band teaser… :