PRIMER (2004)In Primer, two knuckleheads wearing neck ties go around slurping drinks, eating hamburgers and talking constantly about a product they’re developing. They NEVER shut their mouths, even when they’re eating or playing basketball and it turns out they invented a device that does time travel. This movie is very confusing and nothing is ever explained but I get it. Sure I get it but I wish they would shut their fucking mouths for one second while I think about it. This movie was very difficult for me to watch because I am very fidgety and like to do things like check Twitter or play my game on my Ipad or reply to a comment or scratch the top of my buttcrack while I watch a movie and you have to REALLY pay attention in this one. I had a lot of trouble following along but I get it. And I didn’t like it. Perhaps if there was just ONE MINUTE of silence – just ONE MINUTE – I would have enjoyed this more. I can’t even imagine what that fucking script would have looked like.UPSTREAM COLOR (2013)
The guy that made Primer is back to confuse you with a bigger budget and a better camera and…….. Amy Seimetz. You might remember her as “But I’m the best runner” girl from YOU’RE NEXT or even The Killing but here we are again and here we go. If we were to put on our reading glasses and light a pipe and dissect this movie into three parts, I would have to say that the first act was genius. Honestly, I loved it! I didn’t know what the fuck was going on most of the time but it was brilliant. “My face is made of the same material as the sun so you cannot look at it.” That’s an IPC tagline right there even though I’m not a hostage taking hypnotist milking your tit for all of your money. Or am I.Then, in the second act – or The Rising Action – portion of the film, there is absolutely no action and we are presented with a ridiculous, confusing and fucking boring treatise on the subject of how we’re all existential pigs or some such bullshit and it really pissed me off so much that I wanted to go find the guy who did Primer and punch him in his balls for a number of minutes screaming “THIS IS FOR YOUR OLD MAN!!!! THIS IS FOR YOUR OLD MAN!!!!“
#existentialpigsThe third act doesn’t offer up much either except for a bunch of blank staring and something to do with some dead piglets who decay and turn flowers into a different color. Oh and some shit to do with Walden’s Pond or something like that. And some rocks at the bottom of a pool. so – my take from this is that I really liked the first thirty minutes of this and if THAT had been how the whole movie went, I probably would have really loved the thing but it didn’t. The movie looks pretty and I am a big fan of Seimetz but I would not recommend this unless you REALLY want to see it.
And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.
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