Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HALF ASS REVIEWS: PRIMER AND UPSTREAM COLOR

HARDANCE

PRIMER (2004)primer1In Primer, two knuckleheads wearing neck ties go around slurping drinks, eating hamburgers and talking constantly about a product they’re developing. They NEVER shut their mouths, even when they’re eating or playing basketball and it turns out they invented a device that does time travel. This movie is very confusing and nothing is ever explained but I get it. Sure I get it but I wish they would shut their fucking mouths for one second while I think about it. This movie was very difficult for me to watch because I am very fidgety and like to do things like check Twitter or play my game on my Ipad or reply to a comment or scratch the top of my buttcrack while I watch a movie and you have to REALLY pay attention in this one. I had a lot of trouble following along but I get it. And I didn’t like it. Perhaps if there was just ONE MINUTE of silence – just ONE MINUTE – I would have enjoyed this more. I can’t even imagine what that fucking script would have looked like.primer2UPSTREAM COLOR (2013)

upstream1The guy that made Primer is back to confuse you with a bigger budget and a better camera and…….. Amy Seimetz. You might remember her as “But I’m the best runner” girl from YOU’RE NEXT or even The Killing but here we are again and here we go. If we were to put on our reading glasses and light a pipe and dissect this movie into three parts, I would have to say that the first act was genius. Honestly, I loved it! I didn’t know what the fuck was going on most of the time but it was brilliant. “My face is made of the same material as the sun so you cannot look at it.”  That’s an IPC tagline right there even though I’m not a hostage taking hypnotist milking your tit for all of your money. Or am I.upstream2Then, in the second act – or The Rising Action – portion of the film, there is absolutely no action and we are presented with a ridiculous, confusing and fucking boring treatise on the subject of how we’re all existential pigs or some such bullshit and it really pissed me off so much that I wanted to go find the guy who did Primer and punch him in his balls for a number of minutes screaming “THIS IS FOR YOUR OLD MAN!!!! THIS IS FOR YOUR OLD MAN!!!!

#existentialpigsupstream3The third act doesn’t offer up much either except for a bunch of blank staring and something to do with some dead piglets who decay and turn flowers into a different color.  Oh and some shit to do with Walden’s Pond or something like that. And some rocks at the bottom of a pool. so – my take from this is that I really liked the first thirty minutes of this and if THAT had been how the whole movie went, I probably would have really loved the thing but it didn’t. The movie looks pretty and I am a big fan of Seimetz but I would not recommend this unless you REALLY want to see it.upstream4

And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.

Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me 

82 comments

  1. Jay

    That first one sounds unbearable. It’d be like watching myself!
    I’m a chronic movie multi-tasker too, I have too much jitter in me to just sit and focus on one thing so I hate subtitles because they force me to read along. Luckily I can sometimes convince Sean to “read me a movie” and sometimes he even does the voices.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Interesting take on these introspective films. Doesn’t sound like you dig on this stuff. I wonder why you tortured yourself. Hehehe.

    Upstream was a headscratcher for sure. It certainly doesn’t make things too obvious. It requires some participation. The Walden book reference is a clue, tying in thematically. While good, I enjoyed Primer much better. Sure, it’s a movie full of talking heads, but it definitely takes scifi serious. For me, if it sounds like the characters know what they’re talking about, I’m good. I actually prefer this to on the nose exposition. Low budget greatness.

    That’s why movies are so awesome. There is variety. If you want cerebral scifi watch Primer, you want popcorn watch Terminator, you want a good blend watch Source Code.

    Thanks for highlighting indie arthouse cinema. It was really interesting to read what someone else’s thoughts on Shane Caruth’s stuff.

    Like

  3. My boyfriend is a science nerd and as such forced me (FORCED ME!) to watch Primer. I did like it but me and my brother (who also watched it) couldn’t work out why they work a shirt and tie all the fucking time. I’ve said this to Miss Mutant before 🙂

    I will watch the second one definitely! If only once 🙂

    xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: