A SERIOUSLY SUPER SPECIAL THANKS TO DAVID OF THATMOMENTIN.COM FOR CREATING AND PROVIDING OUR FEATURED IMAGE FOR THIS SERIES!!
(PLANET OF THE APES – 1968)
Our story begins back in 1968 when a middle aged houseape is home doing the laundry, making cocktails for later, baking a turkey in the oven and doing normal things every womape should do back in the 60s. “Womapes know their place”, her apron reads. While ironing her husbape’s underwear and socks, flipping through her latest copy of Good Hutkeeping, she sees an ad for a new Indoor Sauna – showcasing that it’s been fully tested on humans and that “no humans were harmed during these successful test cases”. As we know, apes are VERY thorough when it comes to product testing. In the ad, a hairy human reclines near a temperature gauge, casually pretending to read some sort of literature, even though we all know that humans are primitive, filthy creatures that will never have the capacity to read as long as their filth roam the Earth:
Despite her strict Christape upbringing and her adherence to Ape Law, she finds herself aroused at the site of the human; her apetits get excited and her underwear wet.
“Oh sweet Apelord….” she thinks, feeling the vapors. She quickly shuts the magazine and resumes her duties as her duties demand.
That night, while pleasuring her husbape as all womapes are required, she thinks of the human and what must be under that towel in the ad. She think of his hairless human dong and how she wouldn’t have to pull her husbape’s stinking hair out of her teeth after she’s done doing her wife’s work. She thinks of him not mounting her like a common beast in the jungle and his being gentle. She thinks of not having to swal- er….
That night she dreams of the human. She dreams of showering him with her sexual ape juices:
She tries to squelch these thoughts of taboo interspecies love, but she can’t!! It consumes her night and day for weeks!! Eventually it becomes too much and her duties start to slide. She becomes lackluster at Husbape Pleasing. Her *ahem* Apetaco doesn’t perform well, requiring Apelube.
Finally, exhausted from not being pleased as often as he would like, her Husbape confronts her.
“OOOO OOOO AAAA AAAA!!!” He screams, dancing around a pile of shit in the middle of the living room. “OO OOO AAA AAAA!!!!”
Calmly, focused, she replies,
“Cornelius, I would like to take a lover.”
“OOO OOO AAA AAA!!!” He screams, flailing his arms as he spins around the room. “OOO OOO AAA AAAA!!!!!”
“Cornelius please,” she pleads, ‘if you love me and care about ME, you’ll think about this. Think about ME for just once in your dirty ape life!!!”
Eventually, Cornelius calms down and takes a seat in his easy chair.
Popping open a pop-top beer (this IS 1968 you know and we do our props correctly), he asks “OO OO AAAA OO?” to which she slowly produces her magazine and shows him the ad.
To this he goes apeshit and storms out into the front yard before walking off to the local bar to get apepiss drunk and throw peanuts at strippers and curse The Man.
At the bar, he encounters his old Navape buddy and former Seaape (notice how I did’t use Seaman HAHAHHA!!) (I’m classy!), the distinguished yet swinging Dr Zaius. And by swinging, I hope you know what I mean – as in – To Swing! Let me know if you don’t get that…
“Chillzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, My Ape. You know what it’s like to get a piece of Ape. Hellzzzzzzzzzzz, maybe you’d get your Ape off seeing her get some Ape.” Zaius concludes, popping some quaaludes and sniffing some Angel Ape Dust out of his ape fingernail. “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, Ape. These are new times. These times are now. Let her get her Ape on and fuckin’ Ape with it, Ape.”
Dejected and pissed, Cornelius ape-eyeballs the picture tube TV hanging in the corner of the shithole bar. An episode of “Apes of our Lives” cuts to commercial and, as he is puffing on his Lucky Ape cigarette, he see this:
Be it his sour
puss mood, the cheap Scotch or the air filled with marijuana smoke, he is somehow moved and attracted to this smiling human with his white teeth and hairy face. This is the late 60s after all and swinging is really en vogue. He feels a movement in his dirty ape dong and scratches his head curiously. “oooooo aaa aaaa…..?” he think to himself and puts out his smoke in a beer bottle, angrying a nearby chimpanze.
The next day, he and his wife sit down at the kitchen table to discuss the matter.
“Oooo oooo, aaaa aaaa,” he explains, conveying his will to do a three way. “Ooooo oooo aaaaa aaaaaaa”, but only if she’ll agree to let him pound away like a common monkey at the new slave girl down the street:
The discussion goes on for hour as they drink their dirty ape coffee and smoke dirty ape cigarettes. Eventually, Zira concedes.
“Fine,” she closes. “But you better wear a goddamned fucking rubber because I don’t want any of her juice in my bed. She probably has The Clap, you know!!”
“OOOO OOOO AAA AAAA!” Cornelius agrees.
Phone calls are made and contracts signed and eventually a giant crate shows up on their doorstep. An unbelievably excited Zira jizzes with glee as she pries the thing open with a crowbar. “OH SWEET APE!!!! I’m so fucking excited!!!”
As she tosses the panel aside using her natural born ape strength, the man inside shields his eyes from the sun. He stands erect – becomes erect – and says “Put your hands on me you damn, dirty ape!!!!”
To be continued……