(It’s kind of fun looking at some of these old things and remembering the old days of WordPress and Google images….)
(this originally posted September 4th, 2012)
Since I’ve been doing this, I’ve taken lots of chances on movies I have never heard or seen anything about, usually independent or straight to streaming stuff, and a couple of times we’ve gotten really lucky with low budget who-the-what-thes like AMBER LAKE or SAUNA or FROZEN or even WILDERNESS SURVIVAL FOR GIRLS but mostly we end up with things like DIMPLES or NEIGHBOR or SIREN. And I want to report everything I see back to The Good and Curious Reader so you can make informed decisions about your viewing material. When I see something that a couple of dudes took a shit on because they had some money and fed their own egos and coke habits (HELL RIDE) I don’t feel bad for one second about giving it a good prison rogering. But when I give things like DIMPLES or SEE JANE RUN a shot and I feel like they really tried, I feel bad that it sucked but I want to tell the truth. Did I really just cite nine of my own works? BAM that just happened!! Sorry guys, this one didn’t really do much at all for me. I think you tried but, better luck next time!!
So I have a bunch of vacation days I have to take before the end of the year and I burned a couple last week around the weekend so I had four days off in a row. On the fourth day I was out of things to do, so I went and got my haircut finally (hippie!!) and got some Arby’s and sat down on the couch and turned on iTunes, flicked to Netflix and ate my roast beef and cheddar with my dominant hand while flipping through horror movies with my left. I landed on a couple of things I had already seen and a couple of things that I probably will never watch ever and then stopped on this.
So I wiped the roast beef and cheddar goop off of my right hand, checked this out on IMDB and, at the time of The Viewing, there were only four reviews. One went like this: “Not bad at all. Saw this at (some festival) and loved it. The rest of the audience was floored. Great movie!! Don’t listen to other IMDB reviews.” Another one went something like: “If you can get over the bad acting you’ll find a pretty good thriller. Don’t listen to the IMDB reviews.” And then the the other two went something like: “YOU SUCK AND I HATE YOU AND I’LL NEVER HAVE THOSE 100 MINUTES BACK!!!! MY LIFE IS RUINED!!! NOOOOO!!!!” I am going to go out on a limb and surmise that all four reviews are from people involved in a positive or negative way with the production but, honestly, I was eating and watching the opening act, I thought, “well… hmmm.. this isn’t too bad…”
Then…. after about ten minutes… this movie committed one of the Isaacs’ Cardinal Sins. One of the leads started talking to himself out loud about what he was doing. That would be like me reading every single word I am typing right now. Me: “I am typing that I am typing. I am looking at that picture of the blond lady who was the only thing I liked in this movie. The lawn guys are here and the dogs are being very good dogs. I’m looking at a box. I can’t wait to get that new sink and faucet so this fucking thing will quit dripping. I am typing these words. I need to clip my fingernails. Well I’m back and now my nails are clipped.” Get it? Does that bother you to no fucking end too? I think that’s about all this is worth. I liked the blond who was only in it for a few minutes and tried to like everyone and everything else but I couldn’t get into it. Sorry Playing House.
Me: “OH SHIT! What’s this even about? I must type it!!”
: ) The couple in the second picture up there get married and buy the house of their dreams but they can’t afford it so the husband’s Seth Rogan knock off guy moves in to help out on rent and he gets a new girlfriend who wants everything the married couple have. Think Single White Female as Suburban Married Ethno-Mixed Female. And that’s about it.
To those of you still paying attention. Do you remember when we did this: CHRONICLE?