Isaacs Picture Conclusions

HALF ASS REVIEWS: MAGGIE AND LAND OF THE DEAD

HARDANCE

MAGGIE (2015)

maggie1In the Mopey, Pouty Zombie Movie called Maggie, Big Schwarzie actually does some acting while he watches Little Miss Sunshine pole dance her way into everyone’s hearts as she turns into a fucking shit eating zombie. “Push tha buuuuuuuuuuuuus!!!” yells Big Schwarzie as they try and pop-start their mini-van while she lops off her finger. “It’s nawt a tuuuuuuuuuuuma!!” he screams at the local cops who want to kill that which he has produced from his genitals. “I’ll neva do anotha Coooooooonan,” he lies to State Congress before being elected as Governor of California. “I will nevaaaaaaa try to ball you,” he says, in truth, to his maid before he puts his semen inside of her.maggie4In truth, looking back, I liked Maggie although it’s a slooooooooooooow, mopey movie. I see Big Schwarzie really tried to do something different for a change. And – like David said – he’ll never get confused as someone who can do some sort of emotional drama acting, but I think he did a good job here. I guess I can’t think of a good actor that I like at the time of this writing but I never have seen the appeal of Fassbender or Cumberbun. Maybe I need to be British…? Gosling? The only FEW things I’ve seen him in – he doesn’t say anything. I DO like Clooney but he wouldn’t work here. MM? No. So – I think this works, even though it’s a slow fucker. The make-up department did a great job, for sure.  I guess my conclusion is this = I didn’t LOVE LOVE LOVE it and I didn’t really care for how it ended at all but……. hey…. not bad. I’d watch again.maggie5

LAND OF THE DEAD (2005)

lotd1In the miserable Land of the Dead, the once promising Simon Baker shoots his career to death by trying to by bad-ass, Dennis Hopper’s career starts to peter out before he kicks the bucket and Asia Argento keeps most of her clothes on, which is disappointing to people who like to look at a nude Asia Argento because that’s what she usually does for a living. I don’t mean to incline that she does porn – what I mean is that she’s not a very good actress with a mastery of the Hollywood American dialect, so she’s usually in some state of undress. I’ll try and present my case later.lotd2 To be honest – and to get yelled at again – I wasn’t a big fan of the original three – and I hated the zombie Bub in that last one. I had no expectations when I watched this so – I didn’t really care, but I thought it was wretched. Perhaps Romero should try something else and not just buy his cocaine with money made off of his name from people who liked his old shit. I don’t know – Leguizamo… one liners… dead bodies learning how to use tools and weapons… I guess I’m probably wrong but I just really didn’t like this at all…. but – regarding Argento:
lotd3

Neither did I, lady. In fact, this movie was one of the biggest doses of Salt Peter since that Snow White movie I posted about a while back… At least this wasn’t THAT bad but it was rather:

lotd4

And that is your latest from the Half Ass Reviews division of THE IPC.

Want to be a member of the Half Ass Reviews Department of THE IPC??? Let me know in the comments or email me at ei@theipc.me 

64 comments

    • theipc

      I don’t recall there being a twist but I bet you like it : ) I’m watching your Kidnapped for Christ movie this morning…

      #kidnapsies
      #carolinies

      Like

  1. Pity Simon Baker went so far out of character. He is yummy though! Just don’t know if I can take him seriously with weapons though because… Patrick Jane!

    Like

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