When was the last time Bruce Willis gave a fuck? I mean, he obviously didn’t give a shit about Die Hard 5 (which I kind of liked, dissenting from popular opinion) and Red 2 was FUCKING TERRIBLE… I mean really – WHAT THE FUCK Red 2???? I think the last thing I saw him in when he seemed to feel like giving a fucking shit was the beautiful Looper and ever since, he’s just kind of….. there, thinking his body of work will save him and keep making him money. Well – a month or two ago my friend and I were talking about Deborah Ann Woll and her amazing
physique acting abilities and he was all “You should watch Catch .44, she totally gets naked in it and it’s pretty good.” So I queued it up and gave it a look and, while he was completely wrong about her nakedness, my personal opinion is that this was not very good. You know how you look at something like Pulp Fiction and think -wow that’s really good and shit?? Well this tried to get it’s Pulp Fiction on and just couldn’t quite Pulp Fiction it up and – for trying so hard to redo PF, it gets a
I’ve always liked Willis and he used to be able to pull off that oddball supporting role with his long lip whiskers and his age spots, walking around his house with an open robe wearing nothing but a silk codpiece and he still might be able to but – he has to make it look like he’s trying. eye acting and speaking softly can only get you so far buddy, there’s a reason your movies are going straight to video these days. Toss in some emotion. How about scratching your chin or itching your butt to let us know you’re doing something other than moving your eyeballs and softly whispering your lines.
#youcandoitbuddyYou can see Forest Whitaker in the poster up top and…. this guy won an Academy Award?? In here he plays a no good cop and does a TERRIBLE southern accent. It’s almost like he studied Hee Haw for this role. I think he might have even said “Shucks” and “Golly” a few times. The other day I was watching Tosh.0 (for the first time ever) and he was playing a video where someone off screen was chanting “BUTT WATER! BUTT WATER!!” over and over and then some naked man with his junk blurred out came running from behind a bush and sprayed several gallons of water out of his asshole onto the ground. Then they screamed BUTT WATER again and he came out and did it again. Then he did it a third time ON SOMEONE. Butt Water indeed! The point of that is that I think Whitaker might have done that in this thing too.
I was going to talk about Malin Akermen here and how I’m not a huge fan of hers but all that talk about Butt Water reminded me of something. I remember when Mister Pubes and I were teenagers and we’d go buy beer at the Korean store on 23rd Street where the guy didn’t speak a lick of English and didn’t care that we were grossly underage. We barely worked so we never had much money so we’d have to buy the cheapest, nastiest beer they had and then we’d drive all over the city drinking it. I don’t remember how this happened but night / morning this dude named Mike was taking us to Pubes’ house. It was probably 2 or 3 in the AM and we were dunk on cheap beer and (it’s fuzzy here) but as we were going into Pubes’ house, this Mike guy had the outside faucet turned on and had the hose up his asshole, giving himself an enema.
Come to think of it – this was the same guy who – we went to his house to get some weed or something and he disappeared and then started screaming “I’M SHITTING!!! I’M SHITTING!!!!” from his bathroom. I know girls don’t poop or fart but I think someone should take The IPC challenge and record themselves screaming “I’M SHITTING I”M SHITTING!!!!” that we can post out here. If anyone does it, I’ll do it too and that would be fucking hilarious!! Oh yeah, Shea Wigham is in this for a minute. Man, that guy is underrated….
The picture above is about as risque as it gets when it comes to Woll’s
tits acting ability but she does smoke a lot of white-butt light cigarettes in attempt to look tough. I think chicks that smoke are hot and sexy and I think Woll is hot and sexy but this came across as real gimmicky. I don’t know why I am free associating today but somehow I was just reminded of the time my old roommate and I were playing Madden on the nintendo and was drinking scotch. I don’t remember what happened but s booger came out of my nose and landed in my scotch and, because we were in the middle of our game I couldn’t waste time and fish it out so I had to drink it. Anyway – as to this movie – it’s nothing special, you’ve seen it before, Willis could give a shit and Woll keeps her tits in. Next!