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(ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES – 1971)
As our story continues….
The aftermath of last week’s furious and legendary four-way between man, woman and filthy apes finds Dr Zaius deceased. Apparently his ape heart and ape blood riddled with Quaaludes couldn’t withstand the five hour pounding he took from the hands and pelvis of The Bearded Man, Chaffed and scarred he collapsed to the floor – nothing but the ghost of the ape who once commanded a legion of apes in the cornfields of South Korea. Further, after The Bearded Man had had his way with Cornelius and Zira, he turned his lusty affections to The Slave Girl and went to work on her until they too, were among the dead.
But – as we always say – hopefully there’s a silver lining among the storm clouds – or – more commonly – Destroy the seed of evil, or it will grow up to your ruin – and – He that reckons without his host must reckon again. To this, Cornelius discovers that Zaius had left him a sizeable amount of money in his ape Will! And a sizeable flat out in the sticks of Human City!! So Cornelius and Zira pack their ape luggage with their ape clothes and say goodbye to their modest hut in Ape City, their ape neighbors and head the fuck out of there.
Once settled, one night they sit down to have and ape cocktail…
“OH Cornelius!” Zira ejaculates, ” I just LOVE this new stemware!! Don’t you? Have you ever seen such a marvelous design?? We never had such luxuries in Ape City. We only had wooden utensils and a shitpot stinking up our hut. How did the movie producers think we got rid of our stools? Did they think we had toilets and plumbing??”
To which, Cornelius, in his fancy new Smoking Jacket replies:“OOOOHHH OOHH AHHH AHHH!!!! OOOHH OOOHH AHHH AHHH!!!!” and drops a load on their new carpet.
Displeased, Zira summons their butler.
“Butler!!” She commands, showing no respect for the man, talking like Joan Crawford.. “Butler me up another fucking cocktail and clean up that shit over there. I won’t be able to ball you with some shit stinking up the place. I’m civilized now!”
To this, he does, sweeping Cornelius’ turds into a small dustpan and tossing them out their thirtieth floor window. He then makes her another Manhattan from their sophisticated Wet Bar. She drinks this down like she’s Captain Chugalug or something and demands another.
“Another!!” She demands, really acting like an asshole. “And make it a triple!!”
He complies and, after delivering it, she leads him into their bedroom, leaving poor Cornelius alone on his easy chair, forced to listen to her moans of pleasure and the sound of things like lamps breaking as they furiously ball like there’s no tomorrow.
But tomorrow does come and it’s time to conceal their marital strife and hit the town like the swingers they are. Being novelties and the new kids in town, they are greeted with lots of pomp, circumstance and gifts! Lovely gifts from all around Human City! Watches! Stoals! Patek Phillipes! Even the occasional good natured yet sarcastic bucket of bananas!
But something’s not right…. she spends hours and hour by herself. In the tub – bathroom door locked. She watches too much TV with the broad from 4B. She no longer wants to ball anyone, human or filthy ape. Cornelius is confused and sad. What has happened to his beloved ape wife? does she long for her ape home and her ape ancestors??? Is she tired of her ape husband and his shitting everywhere?? Or is it just the doldrums of living in the big city with a bunch of humans?
“Ooooo ooooo aaaahh ah.” He ponders….
And then!! Eight months later!!! The big reveal comes!!! Zira has been pregnant all along and gives birth to a baby ape!! He comes out greasy and crying but he’s alive!! HE’S ALIVE!!!!
“OOOHHH OOOOOH AHHHH AHHHHHH!!!” He asks, confused…..
“Because….” she whispers as the life fades out of her eyes….
“He’s…. not… yours….” she utters and breathes her last breath….
TO BE CONTINUED….