A long time ago I put a widget on my sidebar reminding myself of shit that I watched but still needed to write about. It was mainly for my own good but then I got notice that I was losing my job and my creativity and desire to do some good writin’ kind of petered out so I just sat around watching TV until my last day and then I’ve sat around watching TV ever since the end of August. My point is that I’ll NEVER get caught up and I’ll forget what I watched and what it was about so I thought maybe this would help me out. I know nothing will really help me out because I’m the April Fool but maybe this will help me get rid of the backlog. We’ll see!
THEY CAME FROM INSIDE THE BOX!!!
UNDER STILL WATERS (2008)
THREE TOP HATS
I really only rented this because I think Lake Bell is totally hot and it wasn’t too bad. I didn’t really believe that she was married to Jason Clark (or his character) but she didn’t disappoint in the sexy nightgown and silky evening dress department. In this, her and her old man go out to their lake house where, as usual, they almost run over some pathetic hitchhiker on a remote road where no one would really be walking and then they take him home. Soon there’s tension all over the place and someone has a gun and – well – you probably know what’s going to happen there. There’s not really a big twist like they tried but it wasn’t too bad. I’m not one of those guys who only watches things that I expect to like – so trust me – you’ve seen MUCH worse but…
THE VOICES (2014)
THREE TOP HATS
I was intrigued by this because I like Reynolds, Kendrick and Arterton but I don’t really care for talking cats and dogs. I also like slasher movies and things that are in HD so I gave this a shot and thought it was just OK. I didn’t really buy into Reynold’s cutesy-pie moo-cow nice guy act and Arterton was out of the picture early. One thing I was totally impressed with is what Reynold’s life was like in “real life” when he was off of his meds. That was absolutely genius but there was just too little of it. And too little Arterton. If you’re not familiar – Reynolds is a serial killer who is on some serious drugs, his pets talk to him and he just wants to find love. Also – this may or may not be Gemma:
TWO TOP HATS
I’ve seen this movie around for what seems like five years even though IMDB has it marked as 2014 and never felt the need to get into it. I know everyone thinks I’m the Boobs and Blood guy but this one didn’t appeal to me so much. Then one day I gave it a watch and I – well – let’s list what I didn’t like (which may not be the movie’s fault):
- It wasn’t HD
- Most of it was shot in the dark so, since it wasn’t HD, I REALLY couldn’t see what was going on
- Nothing against the Thais, but I really couldn’t tell that much of a difference who some of the Thai characters were (both physically and character wise)
- To be honest, I had trouble telling who the Caucasoid characters were too – I remember this one person showing up later who was a big plot move and I had no idea who she was
- The “short-hand” these people used in their TMs and IMs was a little dumb
- There was very little Blood and Boobs
I won’t be the guy who says he hated it but I didn’t love it. Like – a long time ago, Scrotey and I got loaded and I ate a heaping tablespoon of flour. It wasn’t the worst thing in the world but it wasn’t that wonderful. At least I didn’t lick the stick of deodorant like my friend P__ did….
STONEHEARST ASYLUM (2014)
THREE + TOP HATS
This one came as a recommendation from my (our) dear friend Kim and I liked it! I didn’t love it the most but it was a lot better than some of the shit I look at. I kind of figured out what was going on early so the twistiness of it didn’t really do it for me like the BIG twist at the end of Pitch Perfect 2 (did you guess who the killer was in PP2?????) (BRILLIANT!!!)
I did like this though. I’d recommend it for a rainy day. Although I can never really look at David Thewlis without remembering that scene in Total Eclipse when he’s getting a good, Thorough and Proper rogering in the butt by Leonardo DiCaprio…
LA FEMME NIKITA (1990)
THREE TOP HATS
A long time ago we did a Shitfest contest and our associate over at table nine mutant won. As the victor, she got to pick five movies for Movie Rob and I to watch. I think this is the last one from the list but I’ll have to go through my old work notebooks to find the list (unless she comes by here and reminds me of any I missed). I thought – wait – shit that’s not the right poster. One sec.
There you go. I appreciate that if I had seen this in 1990, wearing a mullet, my cowboy boots and polo shirt and drinking cheap Milwaukee’s Best, I would probably have liked this more. It’s a well made movie and probably one of Luc Beeson’s top five or maybe six. But… since I watched it 25 years after it came out, I thought it was REALLY dated and this may sound weird but it looks like it’s a copy of Beeson’s later work, even though it came first. Does that make any sense? Oh – and:
Oh shit, that’s wrong again. One moment.
There it is. Now we’re back on track. Do I need to say what this movie is about? A Bad Girl is recruited against her will by her government and turned into a kill-everyone and destroy-everything assassin. Reminds me of my senior year of college. I think you call that “University” over there Mutant. Anyway, I think I liked the U.S. remake better called Point of No Return but I haven’t seen that since 1993 so… I always did have the hots for foxy Bridget Fonda though.
BROKEN SIDE OF TIME (2013)
THREE TOP HATS
It’s probably better than a three top hat movie but it’s very art-y and I didn’t particularly care for the emphasis on photography and all of its different interpretations and symbolisms. I watched it only because my twitter pal Jessica Mazo is in it and sat through a lot of artistic nudity and crying. And darkness. Lots of darkness. This aging, skinny artist can’t get work any more since everything is internet porn and younger models so she decides to take a cross country trip and make a run down Memory Lane. Along the way she does some drugs, does some sex and everyone does a lot of talking, mostly while naked.
In the end I guess she finds some sort of salvation or redemption or some such such shit and other people will probably like this much more than I did. It’s just not really my bag… at all…. BUT – I did get to see Mazo in action again : )
TWO TOP HATS
Gary also thought I might like this one – he liked it a lot – but I warned him that I pretty much hate Mark Duplass. I gave The Lazarus Effect a shot before I went into it and I didn’t hate him in that so I rented this thing. I just REALLY don’t like his style of acting or the words that come out of his mouth. I also think all of the dialogue that comes from him is ad-lib so I guess I don’t like how he thinks either. I mean – what’s with this fucking shit:
I suppose the concept behind this is decent enough – a guy pays another guy to film him doing shit – for his unborn son – since he’s getting ready to die soon. Stuff like taking a bath and climbing a rock – all the while pretending to attack him (the cameraman) and scare him and pretend to kill him. I wouldn’t do ANYTHING with this guy unless it came with some sort of unworldly payout. Then there’s a scene towards the end that I just hated.
I guess that’s it! Did anyone read this? Did anyone like it? I’m finally figuring out a routine so hopefully I can get caught up on everyone’s stuff soon!